Is this normal?

(62 Posts)
flippingebay Tue 05-Nov-13 18:48:54

After a week of introductions our 20 month old dd came home to stay..

Is it normal to feel utter UTTER panic? Burst into tears at a moments notic, panic I'll never bond with her??? I'm a mess and feel like I have the emotions of just given birth!

We have a 5 yr old birth dd and I even feel and cry over feeling guilty for her (even though she's been an absolute star)

Our new dd have really bonded with my DH and he's been brilliant ensuring he gives me time with dd and doesn't take over just because it's easier. But everything with me is either 'no' or tears and tantrums.,

Please be gentle with me hmm

Happiestinwellybobs Tue 05-Nov-13 19:33:56

Absolutely normal to feel a whole range of emotions. I went through a stage of "what on earth have we done?" and in fact suffered with post adoption depression for quite some time. I'm not suggesting you are, but what I mean is don't feel bad about what is going through your head.

20 months is a testing time as it is (well it was challenging for us) and that coupled with the fact that all your lives have been turned upside down, I would be surprised if there wasn't an element of panic.

Whilst we didn't have a birth child, we had a dog (who up until DD coming was our baby). I remember being upset that I couldn't just take him and me out for a walk, felt guilty that he was being neglected (which he wasn't - spoilt pooch!). Everything seemed too much.

But it will get better. You will settle into routines, and the bond will come with time. It sounds as though these are early days?

RadagastTheBrown Tue 05-Nov-13 19:47:37

Sounds normal to me....my DW & I brought home our DS last Feb (aged 10 months) and we both were more tense and panicky than I've ever seen us. The first afternoon our DS 'choked' on a rice cake and they've been banned from the house ever since! As I'm the SAHD, my panics started once DW went back to work. I only ever seemed to say no and get grumpy DS whereas DW got the 'fun' side with loads of easily induced giggles when she got in. I feared we'd never bond and I'd screw up the attachment.

So many months on, I have a fantastic bond with DS but still feel slightly jealous that DW gets giggles more than I do. On the flip side, she is a bit miffed that when she tells DS 'no', he always looks to me for confirmation.

I think the emotions you go through as an adoptive parent are akin to those of a birth parent but, knowing the often poor starts adoptive children have had, I think we put even more pressure on ourselves to do a good job.

Enjoy the rollercoaster!

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 05-Nov-13 19:49:06

Tbh I felt most if that and I gave birth to my children! So I'd say yes, definitely normal.

TwistAndShout Tue 05-Nov-13 20:03:27

Absolutely normal! We're 6 weeks in and it's completely overwhelming.

The mix of emotions is crazy but not dissimilar to those we felt after having our birth children either. It will start to settle down, give yourself time, it's a huge undertaking.

flippingebay Tue 05-Nov-13 20:18:27

Thank you so much for replying... Just having people confirm what I'm feeling is normal is a huge relief!

At one point I just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and sob... What for I couldn't even tell you. shock

Thankfully my birth DD and DH are really understanding.

I'm avoiding talking to friends and family as I think I'm supposed to be all happy and on cloud 9, but in reality I don't think I could hold a conversation without crying...

I'm dreading the SW coming around tomorrow hmm

TwistAndShout Tue 05-Nov-13 20:27:24

To be honest, I think this is what social workers would expect. If you were skipping around on cloud 9, then the reality of what you were doing wouldn't have sunk in and they would probably be more concerned!

RadagastTheBrown Tue 05-Nov-13 20:37:06

Totally agree with TAS - the SWs expect you to be phased as it means you're taking it seriously!

TrinnyandSatsuma Tue 05-Nov-13 21:03:45

We are 5 days into placement, so I wouldn't say I was an experienced adopter at all, but based on our first few days, I'd say completely normal.

I have felt like this. My mantra is.....one day at a time.

Keep smiling x

Maryz Tue 05-Nov-13 21:10:54

Oh, God yes, perfectly normal.

I have to confess to having multiple "oh FUCK what have I done" moments.

And remember, the guilt is a typical "second time mother" guilt syndrome. I felt terrible about giving attention to dd and not spending enough time with ds1.

I think adoption also brings the added problem of not being comfortable about complaining for fear of someone saying "oh, you can always give them back" which obviously isn't an option for birth children. I mean, I know it isn't an option for you, but other people do say stupid things.

YouAreMyRain Tue 05-Nov-13 21:11:43

Completely normal, congratulations thanksthanks

flippingebay Tue 05-Nov-13 21:17:40

Thank you all... I've had a large glass of wine and a bath and I'm starting to feel human.

I'll keep re reading this post tomorrow when I wobble

Maryz Tue 05-Nov-13 21:21:46

Oh, and the bonding with her dad and not you - ime that is also normal. With both mine they had spent an awful lot of time with their foster mothers, but little with foster dads. So I think they bonded more easily with dh than with me.

Lilka Tue 05-Nov-13 21:30:01

NORMAL!!

Wine and bath is a great idea, look after yourself smile

Devora Tue 05-Nov-13 22:16:49

Gosh yes, panic, resentment, exhaustion, an overwhelming longing for freedom... your post brings it all back!

All very natural, if you consider all that is now being demanded of you. It is made worthwhile when the love comes, but that often takes awhile.

Hang in there, be kind to yourself, we've all been there smile

RudolphLovesoftplay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:35:58

Very very normal!! I had a complete meltdown most days but we got through it eventually . Both my DS bonded much quicker with my DH than me, my youngest still blatantly prefers him!!

Kewcumber Tue 05-Nov-13 23:23:17

I cried a lot in the first three months - and I don't do crying.

I felt overwhelmed and so responsible and terrified I wasn't up to the job and thought I'd feel like the babysitter forever.

Turns out that I'm really not up to the job of being a perfect parent but we seem to muddle along OK anyway! Thankfully DS hasn't read the job spec for Perfect Parent and so he thinks I'm the bees knees.

Give yourself a break - adoption is one of the weirdest things you'll ever do... you get given a strange child and expect yourself to fall in love instantly without the benefit of any hormones and pretend to everyone that everything is just as it should be. Bollocks to that, you're babysitting a strange child and having to pretend that they're your's, you'd be just a tiny bit odd if you went along with that without your brain saying "wtf!"

Of course thats not the line you'll use with the SW tomorrow - but I'll just bet its what 90% of us were thinking at this stage "What the actual fuck am I doing!".

Shows you're normal which is a very good sign grin

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of adoption!

Kewcumber Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:53

Oh and I have a personal unscientific theory... men are designed to learn to bond without the benefit of hormones so they're just going along with the normal course of events, its we women who are designed to be doped up to the eyeballs with oxytocin and have to work that bit harder without it.

Maryz Tue 05-Nov-13 23:26:53

I really wish Mumsnet had been here when I started with mine. I spent the first six months with ds (and about two years with dd) just feeling so overwhelmed and guilty.

I thought it was me. Now I see it was normal.

Kewcumber Tue 05-Nov-13 23:45:43

Ha Maryz! I just reread my posts and thought - Blimey you sound like a hard old bitch. But now I see that I am a normal hard old bitch grin

flippingebay Wed 06-Nov-13 09:48:22

Thank you all again, I'm sat crying again ( and I also don't 'do' crying ) as my mum just rang. I can't even talk about it without crying and I don't even know why I'm doing it lol

Just seen the SW is t due until tonight, I thought it was this morning - my head is just a mess

Maryz Wed 06-Nov-13 09:54:58

Here, have a few (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Honestly, it's just shock, it really is.

You have looked forward to something for so long, your expectations were for it all to be hunky dory from the start and it is so rarely like that. It's all bound to be a bit of an anticlimax, added to which you have people watching you fall to pieces and you are probably terrified that you have to pretend everything is great, and you are fine.

As Kew said "you're babysitting a strange child and having to pretend that they're your's, you'd be just a tiny bit odd if you went along with that without your brain saying wtf!" Give yourself a bit of time to get used to everything.

You only have to put on a smiley face when the social worker is there. The rest of the time just get by, do the minimum you have to do to survive, and sit it out. Next week you will feel a bit better, next month you will feel better again. And this time next year you will laugh at yourself looking back.

At least, that's what I did grin

Kewcumber Wed 06-Nov-13 11:40:00

flipping - I spent several years reading blogs of adoption journeys (mostly american) crying at the wonderfulness of it all and all those lovely people falling in love at first sight with their children. It was the biggest shock to me that I didn't feel like that when it came to it with DS - I was worried about the future, his medical, his difficulty attaching to me, my difficulty attaching to him - it was all made so much worse by every person who met him raving about how lovely he was (he was!) and although I could see that dispassionately, I couldn't feel it.

AS a result I was slightly more honest in my blog - though don't think I mentioned the fear and the crying! I can;t tell you how many adopters subsequently emailed me and thanked me for being honest and making them realise it was normal.

Do keep an eye on it though post adoption depression is terribly common - I didn't need treatment for mine and it slowly cleared as familiarity kicked in but don;t ignore it if it doesn't slowly start to improve.

Happiestinwellybobs Wed 06-Nov-13 14:29:46

I hope the meeting goes okay. Have a glass of wine when they're gone smile

Your post struck a chord with me as when I adopted DD I just joined mumsnet and didn't have the courage to ask the question you have asked. I wish I had. Maryz is spot on about expectations - yours and your perception of what others are thinking. I didn't feel I could ask for help - what would people think after all the hoops we had gone through and years we had been trying? How wrong I was. Having opened up to people about PAD months after it had gone, every single friend said they had wished they had known at the time as would have helped.

What I am saying in my ramble is don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. At the beginning I wondered how I would ever bond with DD. 18 months later that bond could not be tighter. I can't really remember when it clicked; it just grew over time.

This board is full of lovely people, lots of then more experienced than me who will offer lots of advice as you go through these tough weeks (and beyond!).

Remember smile for the SW, then a big glass of wine smile

flippingebay Thu 07-Nov-13 10:19:17

I can't begin to thank everyone enough for posting on here, it really helps.

I was on an up when the SW arrived and my birth dd was playing with dd so it was a fun atmosphere. I just about managed to hold it together and only had a few tears. She also said its normal.

I'm a bit better today but do find myself looking at her and wondering if I'll ever feel the same bond I have with dd.

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 10:37:06

Of course you wonder that. I did.

I very piously decided early on that if I couldn't ever love DS that I would at the very least commit to making his life better than it would have been without me. It did actually help me stop continually going over and over in my head my worries about bonding with him. Just try to park it to one side, accept that you will make DD2 a part of your family and give her a good life and pretend to everyone (including her) that you love her.

Then one day you find yourself crying at the thought that something might happen to her and Bob's your uncle!

I got to that point somewhere between 6 and 12 months but I have no idea when. The first 4/5 weeks were the worst, things improved when we got into a normal routine and I didn't feel quite so watched and wasn't asked quite so often about how lovely he was.

If it helps at all - DS is nearly 8 now and I have been known to forget I didn;t give birth to him! I was recently asked which hospital I gave birth in and I actually did try to remember for a couple of minutes before the realisation struck that i'd be thinking for a really really long time grin.

It was impossible for me to visualise loving him when I didn't and its hard now for me to remember a time when I didn't.

Glad the social worker visit went well, just try to live in the moment and not over analyse things (says the queen of over-thinking here!)

allthingswillpass Thu 07-Nov-13 16:46:13

Felt the same. Couldn't imagine how emotional it would be.
We're 18 weeks in and the strange child is now OUR little boy.
Ups and downs mostly ups now.
Lost 2 stone though grin

Maryz Thu 07-Nov-13 20:01:42

I didn't love dd as much as ds for a long time.

Not until we got a phone call from the social worker saying that there had been a mix-up with her paperwork, her father hadn't been informed she existed, and now that he knew he had appealed the adoption order and wanted her back.

Then I realised I loved her shock

To be fair to him, he was great. He was very young, we met him and he signed everything on the spot.

Devora Thu 07-Nov-13 21:38:09

Oh bless you, I know how hard this is. I decided I wasn't a very nice person, as I just resented dd2 for quite a while, and certainly didn't love her as much as I loved dd1 (my birth child).

Two things helped.

One was that I didn't fall in love with dd1 straightaway either. I remember looking at her when she was a few months old and thinking, "At what stage do I feel I would jump in front of a truck to save you?". I think I'm just a slow burn kind of mum - rest assured I love them both now, with great passion!

The second thing was knowing that I do find caring for toddlers very stressful. With dd1, I kind of mentally breathed out when she turned 4, and started enjoying her much more. dd2 has just turned 4, and I can feel the same relaxation, the same heightened enjoyment of her company.

Oh, one other thing helped!

dd1 and dd2 love each other. Really, really love each other. Strangely, I wasn't expecting that (was much more keyed up for sibling rivalry) and seeing that love emerge, even as I was finding it all a bit hard-going, was tremendously motivating.

Hang on in there - I promise you, it gets better smile

flippingebay Thu 07-Nov-13 21:53:20

Maryz that must have been horrendous!

I've been feeling a lot more 'stable' today and I keep reminding myself of certain bits if what you've all said. I keep re reading this too, to remind myself I'm not completely fucking everyone's lives up shock

DD1 has been a bit sensitive and tearful today so we've been trying to be extra kind to her too.. DD2 also woke with a terrible cold and is currently a snot monster (we do this because we enjoy it right wink )

Devora Thu 07-Nov-13 21:57:50

Oh yuck, snot is never going to help you love a child. I can handle pooh, blood, vomit, but I've never reconciled myself to kiddy snot (and the way it ends up being wiped over you, or dribbling into their mouths, or... I'll stop there).

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 22:36:26

I knew I'd bonded when I caught DS's vomit in my hand rather than let it mark the sofa. envy <= thats a "vom" emoticon

Devora Thu 07-Nov-13 23:01:03

I caught a poo once, just before it hit a friend's carpet...

* flippingebay* no guidance to add, you seem to be doing well so just sending a virtual hug <<<>>>

Thepoodoctor Thu 07-Nov-13 23:20:22

Our first was 20 months when he came home and I well remember the 'fuck what have I done' moments! And as for when he was 5 and DD came home ...

All normal, hugs and well done!

It is a slow burn. I remember thinking I liked DS when he came home (he was a seriously cute toddler) but it took me a while to love him.

However I was reading Philomena (book of the film about an Irish adoptee and his birth mother) last night, with my heart breaking for the little boy being taken from his birth mum for adoption in the States ... Except I was relating it to the idea of someone taking DS from me.

Noticed the paradox after a while smile

flippingebay Fri 08-Nov-13 20:51:00

Had a really crappy morning but a much better afternoon. Almost managed to enjoy it..

I think I struggle and really take it personally that she doesn't want me. I'm trying not to and also notice my DH takes no notice of the 'no's' from DD2.

Kewcumber Sat 09-Nov-13 00:15:48

DS didn't want me at first - and I had no DH as an alternative but frankly he'd have taken anyone over me. It does make bonding much harder.

I resorted to below the belt tactics - his baby biscuits (he wasn;t allowed normally) smuggled in and dangled in front of my eyes until he made eye contact then he got the biscuit as a reward.

Thats a shameful thing to admit isn;t it... I bribed my child to bond with me blush

Worked though grin

Maryz Sat 09-Nov-13 08:59:31

Oh, it's horrible.

ds's eyes used to follow dh, and when I picked him up they would slide away and he'd pull back - and he was only a baby sad

It's so hard, when you care so much and they seem not to give a shiney shite. But you just carry on, and it does ease a bit. It's very early days yet.

Kewcumber Sat 09-Nov-13 12:37:34

flippingebay - now you are in the know about why I roll my eyes when people have said to me "next time I'm doing it the easy way and adopting"! hmm

flippingebay Sat 09-Nov-13 12:52:25

You're absolutely right Kew!

She's asleep at the moment, she's sleeping really well and a lot which I'm putting down to stress at the moment, but making the most of a few minutes peace.

I've been on my own with DD1 and DD2 this morning so we've had a trip to the park. A few tears from DD2 but I've put that down to being cold and tired. Everyone's words of wisdom on here I've been remembering which has really helped my sanity.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Sat 09-Nov-13 15:44:19

Bribing sounds like a genius idea!

Hang on in there, I haven't adopted but have so much respect for those that have, it's not an easy ride and I can't believe people still think it is (except I can believe, as people think all sorts of stupid things!).

The people on this board are very wise and compassionate, great people to listen too.

Maryz Sat 09-Nov-13 17:13:56

I used to bribe a bit too.

After the first few awful days I refused to let dh feed ds at all, working on the principle that if I was the only one who fed him he would eventually look at me.

Of course he didn't - he managed to look at the curtains, out the window, at the back of the chair, wherever he could hmm

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 10-Nov-13 14:37:59

Ah, OP, frankly if you weren't feeling a bit overwhelmed at being a new parent again I'd say you weren't doing it properly wink

DD bonded with me quickly, but took much longer to get going with DH - probably because (unusUally) she was closest to her foster father rather than mother, so I was less of an obvious replacement, IYSWIM. Lots of games like tickling and peekaboo helped no end to help that bond along.

flippingebay Sun 10-Nov-13 18:11:24

We've just had our first proper day out as a family and I'm almost feeling human. DD2 was great and not at all grisly or grumpy and DD1 even managed to say 'it's not fair' when DD2 had something different which felt 'normal' smile

Last night was a real struggle with DD2 not going down or sleeping but DH insisted I saw to her and wouldn't even stay in the same room. It was bloody awful at the time but I think it's made a difference today and she even held my hand for a few minutes.

I'm clinging onto those few moments in a day when I'm feeling better and trying to remember them when it's not so good.

Thank you all for all your help and kind words, they really have made a massive difference

Kewcumber Sun 10-Nov-13 18:25:26

Good for you. The first time I took DS out once we were home - he was about 14 months and (obviously) still in a pram. I cried because it was a rear facing pram and the bloody wheels wouldn't go where I wanted them to! It was a bloody disaster and I howled for the 30 minutes we were out! So you're well ahead of me.

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 18:32:03

Did I ever tell you about our first family holiday with dd?

We had to cancel the holiday we had booked with ds when dd was placed (we got two days' notice, believe it or not, because the foster family were going on holidays). We hadn't been abroad for years, so when the final adoption order came through we booked a week in Tunisia, very cheap.

It was a night flight, she cried from the moment we got to the airport until the minute we got to the hotel.

Four of us jammed into a tiny hotel room. ds and I got d&v. dd cried every night, all night. We had to give her bottles to pacify her, and ran out of formula so we then had to give her half strength bottles at night.

(not to mention the freezing cold pool and revolting food)

She cried all the way home.

I told dh at least a dozen times every day that I had never wanted to have children anyway. I really, really resented her blush.

God, I did so many things wrong.

Buster51 Sun 24-Nov-13 16:52:38

Reading through all of your comments has really helped me a lot. I am now 4 weeks into the adoption of our 4 yr old boy, & since my DH returned back to work our bond has got stronger (I think?!). That being said when he returns on weekends I/we take a step back (I feel this anyway). He has always been more comfortable with DH since day one, & when he returns he goes back to him constantly etc (I realise this is probably also an element of excited to see him). However, he is still yet to attatch to me in the same way. I have got as far as him being able to sit on my knee through a lot of play which is great progress.

My worry is I take it personally everytime, & I know I shouldn't. I just wondered how other mums have dealt with this as it does upset me sad advice is much appreciated smile

MyFeetAreCold Sun 24-Nov-13 22:23:48

Oh, thank god for you all and for this thread! Turns out I'm normal too! (And only a few weeks into placement.) You made me cry, you vipers.

Lilka Sun 24-Nov-13 22:31:40

Of course we did, we're very vicious vipers at that wink

You are 1000% guarunteed abolsutely normal, end of story

Lilka Sun 24-Nov-13 22:37:00

It took me a long time to feel love. Truly honestly, at first with my girls, there were days I disliked them. And not in the 'ever parent dislikes their child sometimes' way. There wasn't any love there, only bad feelings. First came protectiveness. Then came the slight change I can only describe as "I'm used to having you around now, I am struggling to remember the time before you moved in". Then came the time when I began to like having them around more often than I felt dislike and resentment. And so on and on. Till I didn't want them to leave. And then more time. And then I loved. And then more time. And I loved unconditionally.

I love the fact that this board is here, so you can say, and know there will be people reading who get it, how you are feeling. It's so normal to take a long while to bond.

Kewcumber Sun 24-Nov-13 22:57:26

Buster - if its any consolation DS wouldn't actually make eye contact with me for about 3 weeks - and I didn't even had a DH to compete against for attention! Way to go Junior, how to make your mother feel like a total loser!

My worry is I take it personally everytime, & I know I shouldn't. - well yes but that's because it is personal! DS seemed to understand for the outset that I was somehow different to all teh other random people he met and fought tooth and mail not to bond (IMO!), its almost like fighting against falling in love with someone because you know its going to make you vulnerable and the one thing almost all adopted children have already learnt is that shit things do actually happen, people you have bonded to leave and that it hurts.

It may be that because your DH is not around consistently in the week he doesn't feel that overwhelmed by him (if that makes sense) or maybe he hasn't ever bonded with a man before so is not so threatened by developing an emotional relationship with one - just speculating.

Anyway, knowing you shouldn't feel that way isn't really very relevant (though why on earth shouldn't you?!), what matters is that you are able to accept that the bonding and attachment process really does take time - months in my opinion. Marathon not a sprint and all that...

And be kind to yourself... its bloody weird being given a strange child and having to pretend they're yours for the best part of your waking day - its exhausting!

Maryz Sun 24-Nov-13 23:01:06

[arf] at us all reassuring each other we are normal. It's all a bit "lunatics taking over the asylum" ish, isn't it grin.

As an aside, and on a good note, ds1 bought me a birthday card shock

irishe Sun 24-Nov-13 23:40:05

We have just passed our first anniversary of dd coming home and she still prefers DH! A recent example, I have just returned to p/t work, luckily dd appears to enjoy nursery (I still worry though, but I digress). DH and I both went to nursery to pick her up. Dd saw us coming in the door and came running over in excitement, I was in front of DH and bent down to pick her up, she dropped to her knees and literally crawled between my legs to get to DH! I must have been feeling resilient that day as even I laughed, along with every other adult in the room. . . .
It took months for dd to call me mummy and yet it was dada almost immediately (or so it felt). But despite my ongoing insecurities I have fallen hook, line and sinker for my little girl. I can still remember the morning I woke up and heard this little voice on the baby monitor calling "mama, mammy". I nearly vaulted out of the bed with excitement and shock, I think I had almost given up hope I would ever hear the words coming from dd. it felt so good!
I have taken a lot of comfort from speaking to friends with birth children who have all also felt rejected or at least felt the non favoured parent at times. I console myself that it is normal behaviour from toddlers. I also feel a lot of joy watching dd and DH play together. I am convinced my turn will come as dd gets older, and realises my chat is much better than dh's!
Which is a long way of saying, all your worries and emotions are normal.

Devora Sun 24-Nov-13 23:50:32

Wow Maryz, that's great (and happy birthday) smile

Maryz Sun 24-Nov-13 23:51:58

He bought me a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate as well shock - he knows me well.

I'm thinking of starting a thread about it.

Lilka Mon 25-Nov-13 00:36:17

Maryz that's fantastic! Happy birthday! smile

Buster51 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:32:28

Aw thank you all, really helps a lot. DH has returned back to work for the week & DS is slowly starting to approach me again.
It's like when DH returns home he reverts back to how he was very early placement (very clingy & extremely distant from me). Although it is not as bad, he still seems to have his guard up suddenly with me. Mid-week when he is not around he sometimes even asks me to sit near him! So it is all very strange, we are unable to work out why he feels this way when DH is home at weekends.... It's almost like he feels it has to be one or the other, & goes to him as he is clearly more comfortable - I don't know??

I am just keeping my head high & trying to not let it get me down smile it is still very early days & he has came on so so well in that time.

I can't tell you how much it helps talking to others in similar situations smile

Buster51 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:45:49

Kewcumber - yes DS didn't have a father figure around before he was placed in foster care, & since being with us he has never mentioned his foster dad either, so it could be that he has never ''been let down" by a man so he has no reservations in bonding with a man.
He lived with his (tummy mummy) as he now knows her, & a foster mum for two year, perhaps feelings of loyalties to her or being scared to attach in case I leave him too!

That being said he is much better during the week, sits on my knee & asks me to sit by him on his chair, this just stops as soon as DH is home (as mentioned above). He is very very comfortable with DH & could quite easily 'snuggle' etc for long periods of time.

X

flippingebay Mon 25-Nov-13 17:56:02

I must come back to this thread on a daily basis just to remind myself I don't have to look like those 'god awful' 'can you foster/adopt' posters they are sticking up everywhere.

I am pleased to announce that I'm past the mad panic stage (as you all said I would) and I'm now just taking one day at a time.

It's really helped that DH has gone back to work and I have a few hours on my own with her. I even get the odd giggle and laugh out of her. She still blatantly prefers my DH. The reaction he gets on his return is very loud and she runs up to him. Whereas I nipped out for a few hours on Sunday, when I walked through the door I got a minor glance lol. Yes, I do take it personally, but I'm starting to accept that's the way it is. DD1 prefers me and I've never really appreciated how hurtful it can be.

We have our first looked after review this week and I know they want to talk to us about submitting the court order, and this is what terrifies me now shock . It seems so final, but I always knew there'd be no going back anyway, but it's still scary. My DH seems to be taking it all in his stride - lucky bugger

flippingebay Mon 25-Nov-13 18:13:53

We had a bit of a family get together to celebrate an engagement recently, now I don't get on particularly well with my MIL, we tolerant each other, well who do you think DD2 has really taken to? Yep, you guessed it - her.

She was stuck like glue to her all evening, wanted to be picked up etc etc, at the end of the night I went to MIL to collect my DD and she wouldn't come back to me, tears and everything confused marvellous! They seem to know which person will really annoy you and zone in on them.. smile

jamo1111 Fri 13-Dec-13 20:31:09

i felt very strange the first month I didn't have any feelings for the baby .then I put my self in his shoes and its all came together I would do anything that you can like cradle and sing to baby rock baby to sleep anything thay is bonding I did all these things and feeling started coming

Buster51 Mon 23-Dec-13 11:39:58

I still often find myself coming back to this post for reassurance, 7 weeks in now!

I have also got past the mad panic, depressive stage & now try to take each day as it comes. DH is back from forces leave & DS is admittedly more balanced with us both than he was before.

His issue is "closeness" "snuggles" "sitting side by side" he will actually say "mummy can you sit up" "mummy can you sit on the end of the sofa & me on your back" - he can sit on my knee or on my back but says "I don't like lying".

Perhaps this is more intimate for him? Or has never done this with a woman figure before? I do however find myself going crazy wondering why & how/if I should address it. I feel once he has 'cracked' being able to do that then he'll let me in more & more.

I have also noticed that every time he is out of routine/staying with family (granted only a few times) his behaviour is affected, he becomes distant or clingy! & wakes out of character in the night calling for me, but doesn't seem to actually 'enjoy' my comforting when there! But he does drop back off to sleep.

Any advice on this at all??

I realise this may come across as a small problem but it is still something that is always on my mind! Knowing if to act or not??

I couldn't thank these posts enough they help me feel more normal! smile

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