Utterly destroyed

(40 Posts)
Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 20:17:17

Have had a terrible day with DD culminating in her throwing things and hitting DH. Have decided to make that step next week and contact SS to find out what extra support there is. Feel like I've failed and let her downconfused

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 20:18:34

Why have you failed? Perhaps she is just feeling secure enough to act out what is going on internally?

I really really hope you get the support you need and that she deserves.

You haven't failed by needing support you'd be failing her by not asking or by letting adoption break down without trying everything first.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sat 19-Oct-13 20:30:42

She may be ill or all kinds of things. This iswhen she needs you most. Do not judge your success as a parent by her behaviour or stress levels. (Unless you had a paddy and threw thngs back and hit her?)

flowers

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 20:37:01

She's not ill. She has control issues that have spiralled recently and at the moment whenever she can't be in control it gets worse. She's been with us 3 years and I feel like we've failed by not making it better

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 20:41:03

flowers

You know contary to what lots of people who have no experience of dc damaged in their early years sometimes love isn't enough sad

You have not failed, you are asking for the specialist help you need to help her have the happiest & best life possible for her.

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 20:46:34

I know Random, it's just hard to accept

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 20:51:11

I can only imagine. Have friends and one of their long term foster dc had to move on as their behaviour was so awful even the bio siblings wanted them gone - the future for that child is so so bleak but they tried so hard and the lack of help and support from social services schocking sad

Kewcumber Sat 19-Oct-13 21:12:00

I feel like we've failed by not making it better

How do you know you haven't made it better? What would she have been like without you?

Looking for help when she needs it even when you don't want to is the hallmark of a loving and concerned parent not one who has failed. And saying you "failed" kinds implies the end of a process which I'm guessing this isn't? Isn't it all just one part of a continuum which we live through in order to help our DC's be the people they can be.

I asked a social worker for help with DS's behaviour this year because nothing I tried seemed to be making any difference. Perhaps I'm more arrogant than you... I didn;t see it as being a failure at all, just an acknowledgement that I don;t know everything and someone else might have some approach I haven't thought of.

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 21:25:22

You know as a bio parent I often feel I've failed too, see sign of a true parent - LOL!!!

Just because it's difficult know doesn't mean that things won't work out, good on you for asking for help and recognising you need it at the moment x

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 21:26:40

Kew, absolutely not the end, really did not mean to give that impression. We love her so much and would never ever give up on her. Just struggling

Crikeyblimey Sat 19-Oct-13 21:30:35

You've done such a good thing seeking help. Adoption is a marathon, not a sprint.

Take all the support and help you can get.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum.

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 21:32:32

Thank you Crikey and everyone for words of support. Think I worry too much about everything being perfect all the time.

I have no experience with adoption (other than an adopted cousin who turned out v sane indeed wink), but we have behavioural problem with DS2, some of which surrounding control etc.

I am just posting to say, don't focus too much on the problem being you or her or the fact she's adopted or whatever her background might be.
Other families can have these problems too with their biological children sad. It's hard when it's bad.
We've had good support from Primary Care Counselling for DS2 (he's now 9).
I think reaching out for support is a good idea.

The only perfect families I know appear on the front of holiday brochures btw grin.

bsc Sat 19-Oct-13 21:41:38

I was just about to post what pacific said much better!
bio-children also end up in meltdowns, and it is difficult.

How old is she? About 5?

Kewcumber Sat 19-Oct-13 21:44:34

We love her so much and would never ever give up on her. Just struggling

Thats what I mean Hayley - you didn't give the impression that you'd given up at all... so you haven't failed. You're just taking the next step in your journey.

It isn;t one you like and its totally understandable that its depressing but it isn;t "failure" its "parenting"!

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 21:47:40

Thanks kew, always admire what you post so guess I'll trust you on this wink

Think I worry too much about everything being perfect all the time.

You need to embrace the concept of Good Enough Parenting, Hayley - seeking perfection just sets you up for disappointment as it expects impossible goals.

We have 4DSs and DS2 is at least 3 times as much work as the other 3 taken together.

Kewcumber Sat 19-Oct-13 22:07:15

You can come back and tell me you've failed when you're 94 Hayley as long as you're not surrounded by 15 grandchildren and 25 greatgrandchildren....

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 22:08:52

Kew that is a fantastic way of looking at it.

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 22:16:17

Kew, that made me cry, thanks so much for the support. You too Random

Lilka Sat 19-Oct-13 22:42:54

Hayleyh hugs

You have not failed your DD. You might feel that way because you can't solve her issues all by yourself, but that's not failure, and it's not because of you. You are doing everything you can to help her, you are a fantastic mum, a caring mum.

Sometimes our children need extra help. You reaching out for support or therapy for her emotional issues is not any different to you reaching out for support or a wheelchair for mobility issues, really. In society, there's this prevailing attitude and people are conditioned to think that parents can solve all emotional/behavioural issues and it's a 'failure' if you can't. And it's not true.

You don't have to be perfect. And yes, I spent years pressuring myself to be perfect. You only end up making yourself really stressed and upset and counting everything you did wrong.

Count all the things you did right instead. That was something the therapist who was helping DD2 suggested to me. I said I was a total failure yesterday, she coached me through the day - actually, I had - woken her up with a smile, got her ready, got her to school on time, given her a peck on the cheek, made her a nice lunch, nice dinner, picked her up on time, never neglected her, never hit her no matter what she did, a lovely safe house to live in, a warm bed, a routine, I was attentive to her needs....the horrific tantrumming and yelling and being berated and sworn at and eventually shouting and crying and feeling useless was all I was thinking about and feeling like I was doing it wrong. But that's not what it's really about, is it?

You are giving your DD everything she needs from you. Today and every day, you have given her a safe home, food, a warm bed, care for her education and health, love, attention, you worry about her, you seek out help for her...You are doing it right

Really hope PAS comes back with something helpful for you

pacificdogwood it's great that counselling helped your son smile however, honestly, sometimes it is a very good idea to focus on her DD being adopted - or more accurately, her DD having been traumatised and in care, and moved around. As much as bio children can most definitely get control issues and many other issues...her DD's issues may very well have their cause rooted in her experiences. We can't ignore the fact that early trauma causes these issues (and many other issues), and therefore can't ignore the fact that our children are adopted. Certainly with my children, many of their issues exist solely because they have been through trauma and been in care. Saying 'they are adopted' is just a shorthand for that. Some bio children have the some of the issues my children have, but the cause is different, and that can sometimes mean the most appropriate way of dealing with it is different

Lilka Sat 19-Oct-13 22:44:11

meant

<<hugs>>

didn't mean to make that a false link!

Hayleyh34 Sat 19-Oct-13 23:02:18

Lilka, thank you so much for your words. Totally agree that need to focus on DD being adopted - we know her issues and know that they are related to this.

Have just had a day of feeling beaten by everything and then feel really awful for feeling like this.

I don't know if you and Kew are aware of the impact that you have on people but it's because of posters like you that I have the confidence to come here and reach out for support so thank you

Lilka, I understand what you mean wrt to focusing on the fact that she was adopted and would never presume to underestimate the importance of a child's early experiences. And yes, to focus on that to understand what may be underlying a child's behavioural challenges is of course important
What I ment was simply to reassure Hayley like other posters, including you, have said, namely that the best parenting in the world does not and cannot take all troubles away for our children. Adopted children can have a whole heap of additional problems to deal with due to their early experiences, but the feeling of failing as a parent or helplessness in the face of our children's distress and the fallout that causes for the rest of the family are not unique to any particular type of family.

Wishing you a better day today, Hayley.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Sun 20-Oct-13 12:33:06

Just wanted to come back and say thank you, Hayley for the clarification. It feels like a brave step to get professional help for our children, but it is often just what they need and having that help can make all the difference. (Even if you are not actually doing anything different yourself).

You are a great mum, you are 'good enough' (which is all any of us need to be) and you are not a failure. You can't have failed, the job's not half done yet! grin

also: You are not to blame.

Lilka Sun 20-Oct-13 22:27:31

I hope today was better than yesterday Hayleyh x

Hayleyh34 Mon 21-Oct-13 11:48:34

Thanks everyone, yes it was a bit better. Am going to take that next step today and phone the post-adoption team.

Thank you all for your support

yeghoulsandlittledevils Mon 21-Oct-13 12:45:52

That's great, well done!

Hayleyh34 Fri 25-Oct-13 16:06:15

For all those who offered support - an update. I've contact the post-adoption team every day this week and am yet to get hold of anyone. My DH left a message on one occasion but since then, whenever we phone back no-one answers.

I think progress may be slow with this one. On a positive note, the first half of the week was horrendous but the second half has been better. Not bad going considering this week had several triggers for DD, including a school trip and a change in their normal routine today as they were making pizzas for Italian week.

She seems to be taking it in her stride!

Lilka Fri 25-Oct-13 17:53:38

I'm glad to hear the last couple of days have been better, well done to DD for coping so well

Hope PAS actually get back to you/you reach them. Bloody minded persistance is often the only thing that actually achieves anything

MaryZombie Fri 25-Oct-13 21:08:08

I just want to add to the "you haven't failed" shouts.

I struggled and felt a failure for years. Now (having had lots of counselling) I realise I'm not a failure, because (20 years later) I still haven't given up. I'm still fighting for him, even when he doesn't want me to. And I still love him, despite everything.

I do think trying to take it less personally helps. Don't think of her behaviour as being to hurt you, or upset you. Try to be a bit more dispassionate about dealing with her behaviour - make practical decisions rather than emotional ones, if that makes sense.

Also, the best advice I ever got was to keep a diary, of his bad days and even more importantly his good ones. So when I really thought it was all awful, I could look at the daily diary and realise that, actually, we did have good days.

smile

It's nice to hear you had some better days this week.
And I hope you can access support v soon.

Hayleyh34 Tue 29-Oct-13 12:05:48

Thanks everyone for the support/advice. Still trying to get hold of PAS...!!

whoselifeisitanyway Tue 29-Oct-13 22:16:18

I am wondering what support you are looking for from social services and what you are hoping they can provide. I have been where you are and I genuinely believe the sort of specialist help my ds needs is not available in my area and probably not even in the UK. I hope you get what you and your child need.

Also Lilka, I agree with you. You can't compare adopted children with biological children. Something I was told early on in the adoption process was that you have to treat adopted children differently because they are different. I was shocked at the time but years on, I think it is true.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 08:47:36

whoselike Could tou share a bit more about what you say there. What sort of specialist help and support is effective, and if not available in the UK, where is it happening where it works?

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 08:51:25

Hayleigh Even though things are better these last few days, you could try seeing your doctor and seeing if you can get NHS counselling for yourself. Separate to that, you could also try sseeingif you can get a counselling referral for your DD, whuch you could go to too (if she will do that).

Hayleyh34 Wed 30-Oct-13 09:00:49

Hi, thanks for the advice but I don't feel like I need counselling just because I've been doubting myself a bit.

Social services have laid out what they can provide for us and that includes family sessions with a social worker, a group that DH and I can go through and they also said that they have experts from the TAP panel that can talk to us and provide with a reference to CAHMS if we choose to go down that route.

All sounds interesting and we want to know more, just can't get them to answer the bloody phone!!

yeghoulsandlittledevils Wed 30-Oct-13 09:20:14

Well, you could go down the CHAMS route with your DD's GP. Might be quicker, that's all.

The things they are offering are all types of counselling, probably, just with a different heading, and you can use counselling any way you want. Just to clarify... You dont have to have MH issues as such to use counselling, just having stressful and pressured life events and wanting to improve ones own responses and handling of it can be what counselling is about. The title of the thread is 'utterly destroyed', after all.

Hayleyh34 Wed 30-Oct-13 11:51:21

Yes, that was how I felt at the time. I'm not sure if you have adopted or not but at times things feel overwhelming and it can be really hard to accept that you can't change what has happened to your child or the affect that it has had on them

The post-adoption team said that they are a quicker route into CAHMS then anywhere else.

I'm not against counselling, have worked for counselling organisations in the past so am aware of what it is/how it can help

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