Crisis, please help

(40 Posts)
Lilka Tue 04-Jun-13 14:53:01

sad Bear with me

Just two days ago I was happy, and she was happy and we were all ticking along pretty well

Yesterday DD2 was arrested sad

She left college at lunch to meet with her birth mum for lunch at birth mum's house. And then I have no real idea what exactly happened, just that DD had a bad 'episode', dissociated and had no clue where she was, what was happening or anything like that, and birth mum had no idea what to do and tried to get too close to DD too quickly I guess, because DD attacked her (with her fists and feet only, no weapon or anything). So apparently BM ran out of her house and called the police and they arrived, and what do they do? Of course, approach her and terrify her, so she tried to smack them and promptly got arrested for assualting her bm and then trying to assualt the police officer, but was in such a state when they got her to the station, the police realised an ambulance might be a better idea.

And did I know about any of this until later that day? No. BM told the police she was DD's mum and also told the hospital staff the same. SHE GAVE THEM THE WRONG NAME FOR DD AND TOLD THEM SHE WAS DD <BM's SURNAME> No one found the truth out until DD started wailing for her mum (me!) and insisted BM wasn't the mum she wanted, and BM was forced to admit her stupid lies.

DD still in hospital but not for much longer, will definitely be discharged later today.

And now we have to deal with police sad I truly hope, given what happened and her mental health state, they don't press any charges.

I feel strangely calm and i don't know why. This is horrendous sad

I have no sympathy at all for BM. It's all her own fault, starting when she neglected and abused my precious DD and left her in this state. She didn't get arrested for what she did. I've never called the police when DD panicked and lashed out at me. And how fucking dare she try and pass herself off as DD's mum?????? I AM HER MUM angry

There must be someone out there with experience of mentally ill teens and the police?? What happens now?

Ilikethebreeze Tue 04-Jun-13 14:58:05

Maryzs thread for trouble teens may be able to help?
Am bumping for you sad

I think it may be best for you to concentrate on your DD, rather than get very angry towards BM.
Getting angry towards BM I dont think will get you very far.

vent away on here about her though is very ok!

FortyFacedFuckers Tue 04-Jun-13 15:01:07

I have no advice but my heart goes out to you and DD hopefully some one will be along to help soon.

BrienneOfTarth Tue 04-Jun-13 15:25:15

Sorry another non-expert here but will post to keep the thread active till someone with experience can come aong.

I agree with Ilikethebreeze that concentrating on DD is the important thing. You are right that BM acted very wrongly, but that's not the issue now, and your anger, while justified, won't help - just concentrate on getting DD feeling safe and secure again.

WouldBeHarrietVane Tue 04-Jun-13 15:28:03

Oh Lilka I remember this - she found her on FB iirc and in the local shops?

I am so sorry to hear this. If there is any justice the police thing will turn out ok. Hopefully she is getting the help she needs in hospital.

Lilka Tue 04-Jun-13 16:56:09

Thanks for the support

DD will be discharged in the next hour/hour and a half

I have not and will not say anything bad about her BM to her, but I am using here to vent. I need some place to do a little venting

DS is so upset and worried sick about DD2 sad , as is DD1 but DS doesn't understand like she does. DD1 has been looking after DS

WouldBeHarrietVane Tue 04-Jun-13 17:03:41

Vent away - the bm sounds like she wants to live the fantasy that she is the full time mum sad

Your poor dd - no wonder she expressed anger and upset towards her bm as she has been badly let down by her.

Lilka Tue 04-Jun-13 19:26:50

DD is home

She is very upset and obviously agitated - she can't keep still, she keeps startling when people move and she's exceedingly clingy, glued to me. Only typing this because she's gone to the loo and she tried to get me to come to the loo with her as well sad

HappySunflower Tue 04-Jun-13 20:06:14

Goodness me, what a horribly frightening experience for her, and for you.

The one positive that I can sense from this, is that your DD appears to be discovering her sense of security in you.
You are likely to have a trying time, but I would take the opportunity to go back into attachment mode, as though she were younger. Keep things calm, keep her close and don't be afraid to reach out for some post adoption support.
She's had a challenging start to her life, so that should be carefully considered by the police and my professionals dealing with her.

So sorry that life is so hard for you at the moment. X

Ilikethebreeze Tue 04-Jun-13 20:21:11

Agree with everything Happy says.
[no experience of adoption].

Agree with all the good advice on here. Get any support you can, spend lots of quiet and close time with DD and most of all try not spend any energy on BM.

You knew (you said yourself) that it would be like this, although you probably didn't know quite how.

Will this instance give you any leverage with the adoption services to show that you need more support and DD needs more help?

Please stay strong and find some help for you, whatever form it comes in (healthy help I mean).

Am very sorry this has all happened but I know you could kind of foresee it and (optimistic side) it could have been worse! She oculd have had a weapon to hand, or been run over running away from Police or anything so at least this has all panned out and hoefullly all (DD, BM, adoption servies) can learn something or am I hopelesssly, hopelessy deluded to think so!

Bless you Lilka for being the mum of her heart, the one she wants, the one she needs and most of all the one who understands her.

WouldBeHarrietVane Tue 04-Jun-13 20:33:59

Italian you put it so well- Lilka, thank goodness that your dd has you.

Moomoomie Tue 04-Jun-13 22:31:37

Oh Lilka. I thought this would be from you when I opened the thread. I am so very sorry you are having to go through all of this. It is your worst fear and completely what you expected.
Agree with others, go back to full attachment mode. Remember that when things were at their worst dd wanted you.... Her mum. Her mummy. Not the woman who gave birth to her.
I really hope that this will bring some professional help for you and your family.

Lilka Tue 04-Jun-13 22:49:16

She's gone to shower, and I've got out some hair product so I can dry her hair and brush it and massage her head. She likes that. We're going to both sleep in her room tonight, she needs me there

This whole thing has frightened her so much sad Police took her away from her birth home, so she is so scared of them, they are a real trigger for her. She found being in a hospital environment really anxiety inducing and she was very agitated.

I know she'll need lots of time now to recover

You are all right about attachment mode, I am certainly doing that and keeping her close and doing anything and everything to show her that mummy is here and loves her and will look after her.

I think the Police will be contacting me tomorrow

Thank you for the support. You are right that I can hold on to the fact that DD needed me. She knows that I am mum, and she loves me smile And I am so blessed to be loved by her

WouldBeHarrietVane Tue 04-Jun-13 22:54:09

Lilka I am so glad you're sharing her room tonight - that will be very reassuring for her.

O dear, I knew it was you when I saw the word 'crisis.'

I'm so sorry the shit has hit the fan. It came relatively soon too, I suppose that's a good thing. As others have said, I'm so glad DD2 knew that you were the real mum, the one she needs when the chips are down.

I have no words of wisdom. I think you are a saint not to be screaming 'I told you so' to DD2, not that it would help her at all, I know. I hope that sense prevails and that there will be no charges from the incident. I wonder what can have happened to DD2 to trigger the trauma response. Time will tell. I just hope and pray that now she'll see sense and stay away from BM.

You are an amazing mother and she is so lucky to have you. She is.

fasparent Tue 04-Jun-13 23:54:32

Every sympathy for you all be strong for each other , similar has happened too us we got a police restraining order and similar for FB
not allowed within 40 miles of area or children, You need too ask police and speak too child protection exploitation team explain worries and build up too events they will have special designated officers who are experienced in such issues and will work with social services.
Our main lead in dealing with this was the LA's after adoption service but only when it got too far unfortunately.

fasparent Tue 04-Jun-13 23:58:26

Every sympathy for you all be strong for each other , similar has happened too us we got a police restraining order and similar for FB
not allowed within 40 miles of area or children, You need too ask police and speak too child protection exploitation team explain worries and build up too events they will have special designated officers who are experienced in such issues and will work with social services.
Our main lead in dealing with this was the LA's after adoption service but only when it got too far unfortunately.

Devora Wed 05-Jun-13 00:25:57

I knew it would be you, too, Lilka. You just saw it coming, didn't you sad

You vent away about BM on here - you need to have somewhere safe to express all that anger. (In your place, I would be able to use my fury to power the national grid.)

Your poor dd. Thank goodness she has you with her tonight, and every night. For now, just keep her close. This will have to be a catalyst for sorting out how you will handle BM going forward, but clearly you'll have to carefully judge the timing of that.

fasparent Wed 05-Jun-13 01:08:29

There are now new law's protecting vulnerable children beyond the age of 16. Our Ds was arrested a few months ago for attacking BM. she used FB too manipulate the children. Still intrudes on their privacy against their wishes use's other peoples names and photo's. Children are all OK now after year's of unkind manipulation. Court and bail conditions help some way.

Lilka Wed 05-Jun-13 13:22:53

Thanks all

Yes I expected something would go wrong sooner or later because of DD's needs. I did not expect this though with an emergency psychiatric admission and the police

The Police have just contacted me to let me know that they won't be taking this any further as BM has no wish to, and they will let the assualt on the police officer go as she was in such a state at the time.

I rang DD in sick again at college, she won't think of leaving the house sad She's still very much in a state, but better than yesterday. Super clingy, needs lots of reassurance that the police and doctors aren't coming back to 'get her' sad I think the Police just triggered some deep fears about being taken away, and now she's terrified she'll get taken away from me sad

fasparent I wonder could you tell me more about the help you have had, by PM if you need? Like what these new laws are etc?

Moomoomie Wed 05-Jun-13 21:08:25

So pleased the police are taking the sensible option and letting this go.
Just continue doing what you are doing, being there for her.
You really are n inspiration to many, the love you have for your children shines out.
And when times are bad just think of your wonderful dd1 who is being such a brilliant mum to her little one because of the mother you were to her.

WouldBeHarrietVane Wed 05-Jun-13 21:10:25

Lilka I am so glad they are not pursuing this. Quite right too as your dd is the real victim here sad

It sounds as though you are doing a wonderful job of helping her feel secure.

Devora Wed 05-Jun-13 22:29:13

My heart is aching for your dd, Lilka. What a lot she is going through.

Who is looking after you through all this?

Glad police aren't taking it further.

Thinking of you.

Devora Thu 06-Jun-13 21:57:15

How are you both tonight, Lilka?

Lilka Fri 07-Jun-13 10:46:55

She went to college this morning on condition I come at lunch so we can eat together

She is still as she was on Wednesday afternoon sad very anxious, agitated and clingy. She hasn't talked about what happened at all.

BM has texted her but dd just deleted the texts and cried sad I think she blames her for calling the police and then the hospital admission, but as I said she's refusing to talk about it

I am so glad the police aren't taking this any further. Dd wouldn't cope at all

Thanks for thinking of us smile

fasparent Fri 07-Jun-13 11:12:12

Interesting Lilka, We had too contact BM when our dd was critical ill in hospital payed for and arrange visit. dd was very unhappy , thought we were doing the right thing. Has not spoke too BM Since or visited has not spoken about what happed or given reasons why she wished too break off contact, She is now a mature Adult and a teacher.

Kewcumber Fri 07-Jun-13 17:22:08

I'm a horrible person Lilka - my first thought was "good, that'll nip the wonderful BM before it gets too deep" Sorry blush

Of course you suspect it was going to end like this one way or another and better it happened sooner rather than later and that you are around and able to help her through it.

Although she sounds very anxious I think the fact that she was able to go to college at all today is a good thing. Let us know how she gets on.

Well Kew, you said it but I thought it so you're not the only horrible person!

And Lilka, I'm thrilled that your dd2 doesn't want any contact with BM. Please God it'll stay that way and you can all move on. I hope you do eventually find out what happened because I would think it's hard to be imagining what might have happened. I just hope that's the end of it for good now.

Lilka Sun 09-Jun-13 21:19:25


We had a quiet, low key weekend. dd was a little better until this morning when a couple of police cars and an ambulance raced by our house sirens blaring and she ran away and had a complete meltdown sad but on Saturday we managed a nice walk together and baked some fairy cakes. This evening we watched tv together. I am back to to sleeping in her room tonight, but she managed last night without me. I am so devastated to see her regress into this state sad on the positive side,she is showing her attachment to me - this is the most consistently loving she has been in some time. I hope this continues even when she has healed more from this experience

I do hope she stops contact with her BM now now until she is older and more stable at least. Although I wouldn't be upset if they were never in contact again. Contact was always helpful and good for us when it was controlled letters, photos, meetings with BM and me etc, and I don't regret it, and would say a controlled open adoption was probably the best thing out of the worst bunch - BUT unsupervised, daily intense contact has been a disaster

Hayleyh34 Wed 12-Jun-13 15:39:45

Oh Lilka, this sounds awful confused. I've only just seen this thread, how's everything now?

Lilka Thu 13-Jun-13 16:28:50

We're into a routine now, and she's in college. Still no contact with BM, not for want of trying on BM's part. I wish she had the common sense to realise that the reason dd is not replying to her is because she actually needs space and a break and doesn't want contact right now.

She has definitely regressed though and some old behaviours are rearing their heads again. She is still clinging to me and I am still going full on with attachment/therapeutic parenting, as she is clearly responding best to this

My heart is breaking for her sad
Thank you for the kind words all, you are more of a aupport than you know when it is hard for me to get out the house and meet my supportive friends and family in the flesh

Hayleyh34 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:46:45

You're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. I'm not surprised that your daughter has regressed. The BM just makes me confused

Kewcumber Thu 13-Jun-13 16:53:00

Lilka - can you not intervene and directly say to BM that DD is not replying becasue she wants time and space?

HappySunflower Thu 13-Jun-13 21:25:58

What support are you getting from the post adoption support team?
I would suggest that you consider contacting them and ask them to contact BM to tell her to back off.

Devora Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:00

Lilka, you are amazing, but doesn't there come a point where you just crack and react like any other parent would, and have a few well chosen words with BM?

Maiyakat Fri 14-Jun-13 10:31:34

It seems wrong that it's your job to deal with BM. The adoption team have a responsibility to act in your DD's best interests, which at the moment would be them telling BM where to go. Really hope you get some decent support from them (I know, flying pigs and all that...) and that you are able to get out soon to see friends and family

Lilka Fri 14-Jun-13 17:41:58

There's a good part of me that would be very happy to tell BM to go away and leave DD well alone, because I'm still very angry with her

And another big part of me that is thinking 'you should distance yourself from her' which is winning out

I also think frankly SS should be doing it, not leaving it to me. But since they are doing their best to win 'chocolate radiator of the year' award...

Unfortunately I suspect neither SS or me will actually succeed in stopping her contacting DD. I suspect she'll just see me trying to sabotage their relationship and refuse to believe that it's DD herself who does not want contact and not controlling and possessive adopter trying to keep DD to myself angry I suspect that only time and DD herself will be able to put the brakes on. How unfair on DD

So yesterday evening and today my plan of action has instead been to help DD stop the contact without talking to her BM directly. I have helped her to unfriend her BM on Facebook and block her.

You can't block individual mobile numbers so I am going to buy DD a new phone instead. I won't let her have modern smartphones or anything, but she has a cheapy older model, so it's not a problem to replace it and get a new number.

I do hope that this on its own might put BM off...if not it's back to SS and if not I'll have to try myself or consider involving other authorities if she is harassing DD, but I hope it does not come to that and she will back off

Maryz Sat 15-Jun-13 12:59:02

Sorry I missed this Lilka sad

You know, I know this sounds terrible, but I think this might in the end have been a good thing to happen. The situation with her bm was always going to end in tears, and at least this way your dd knows her bm is unreliable.

I think you should consider taking legal advice about talking to ss and having her banned from contacting dd - what she did about giving a false name and not contacting you is surely illegal? dd is under 18 and thus should have had a responsible adult with her both with the police and at the hospital.

You have been badly let down by SS here. This is the reason that birth parents are not allowed to contact children. For dd's safety (and for ds's) you really need bm to realise that what she is doing is wrong, and probably illegal.

If you go the legal route (and you need to do it quickly, before dd gets to 18), then she cannot contact your children directly. That way you regain the authority to support them properly, if that makes sense.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now