How should I deal with this? I just discovered my birth mother tried to find me over 10 years ago

(34 Posts)

I was googling my own name (as you do wink), then DH's, etc etc, and for some reason I googled my birth mother. There's a post on an adoption board from the 1990's, it is definitely about me, the same birth date and everything. It just says "(mumsname) seeks (myname), (myDOB), born (the hospital I was born at)." And it's posted by a man with a different name, with an email address at the bottom that I think was hers.

I was adopted at birth, she was 14 years old, and I never had any contact. I got my original birth certificate about 20 years ago with her name on it, but that's the limit of my knowledge.

Weird. I'm not sure how to feel about it, TBH.

Lamazeroo Wed 15-May-13 17:59:50

Goodness, what a jolt it must have given you! Do you have anyone to talk it through with?

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:04:13

Would you like to contact her?

Sorry - I'm not quite sure what to say to you. I was adopted as a baby. I'd love to find my birth mother.

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:07:07

Apologies. That wasn't the right response. blush

I can imagine it was a huge shock to you. Do you want to pursue it? If you do, I would recommend that you try to go through a professional intermediary. Have you heard of NORCAP?

I don't honestly know. It's never been something that I've felt the need to do - I did consider it around when DD was born as she has a congenital condition that could have been genetic, but we decided not to have more children so I didn't take it any further.

It was a real thump-in-the-stomach moment. I have no idea what made me put her name in, I've obviously never done it before.

I actually feel a bit sad that the 'seeking' post has been there for almost 15 years and I could have spotted it any time with a quick google.

FruOla no apologies necessary, everyone's different! wink

I don't know what I want to do. I'll look at NORCAP, I hadn't heard of it, thank you.

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:13:41

oops. I've just Googled NORCAP and discovered that they've had to close down (they were a charity). Sorry.

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:15:52

Ah, I believe that After Adoption www.afteradoption.org.uk/ might be a good place to start - for support and further help.

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:44:31

Give yourself time to process what you've found.

And give yourself time to decide what you'd like to do.

As Lamazeroo said, talk it through with people - your nearest & dearest - and a counsellor if needs be.

As you say, everyone's different, so what you decide to do must be your own decision, rather than someone else's 'opinion'.

I wish you the very best of luck, whatever happens. flowers

I'll look at them. No idea if I want to take it any further - her message was a long time ago, she would be almost 60 now.

It's strange - two hours ago she wouldn't have crossed my mind but now I feel guilty.

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:55:10

Don't feel guilty. Really - don't.

And, take your time to decide what to do - if anything.

(Sorry, coincidentally, I'd actually spent the best part of today thinking about my potential siblings - so I guess you just caught me, or rather, I caught your thread at a time when I'm feeling a bit vulnerable about it all!)

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 18:59:40

Oh - and there is an Adoptions topic on MN www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions.

Although I think most of it relates to parents who are in the process of adopting, or have adopted children - rather than us adult adoptees.

Coincidence is a funny thing.

I definitely have some thinking to do. Have you ever tried to find out anything? I'm just wondering how hard it would be if I did take it further.

TheLakelandCatalogueIsMyPorn Wed 15-May-13 19:10:21

Hi oops

I totally get the “thump in the stomach” feeling - I found my birth mother a few years ago after stumbling across her on Genes Reunited! I messaged her and we swapped a few emails and then finally met up about 3 months later.

My advice from personal experience is to sleep on it for a few days and see how you feel, perhaps after the weekend.

Just remember, you are under no obligation whatsoever to make any contact – it is entirely up to you.

I wish you all the best – it’s a very strange feeling isn’t it?!!

By the way - we are still in contact, and on the periphery of each other's lives but both content to have found the "missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle" and to know that everything turned out ok!

TidyDancer Wed 15-May-13 19:14:07

Wow, that must've been a massive shock.

I don't know that there's a wrong or right way to deal with something like this.

Do you have someone you can talk this through with?

FruOla Wed 15-May-13 19:20:45

I PMd you oopslateagain.

girliefriend Wed 15-May-13 19:22:06

Would you be able to talk it through with your adopted parents? Have you been curious about your birth mum before?

At least you know that your birth mum has been thinking about you and would be interested in making contact.

I think in this scenario you should perhaps make contact as can't think of a reason not to. However I am not adopted so obviously its very hyperthetical for me!

Lakeland I'm glad your contact worked out ok for you both.

My adopted parents don't really know much more than my birth mum's age and name. I've chatted with DH - he was just as shock as I was.

I have put a reply on the original board, just asking if the OP is still seeking. I suspect the email given there won't still be valid anyway as it was so long ago.

It's all made me think a lot more about it all again. Part of me would like to fill in the gaps, part of me doesn't want to rock the boat. confused

I didn't realise there was an adoptions topic - I am going to ask MN to move this. Thanks everyone for your comments.

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 20:58:39

My mum still has her first email address from years ago, so it cud still b in use op. Good luck with whatever u decide smile

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 15-May-13 22:41:28

We've moved this to Adoptions now at the OP's request.

Best of luck oopslateagain in deciding what to do.

oopslateagain no advice for you, just sending you my best wishes.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 15-May-13 22:47:57

I agree with the suggestions of other posters.
A little thing I would say, though I hesitiate.
That occasionally, we have less time than we might think with these issues.
Your mum, though not old at 60, is also not so young as she was either.
Hope you dont mind me saying that.

Good luck with everything.

KristinaM Thu 16-May-13 09:48:51

I met my birth mother when I was in my 30s.i found her.she wasn't keen to meet me and finally agreed. We had two short meetings and she didn't want to keep in touch.

It wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it. I have a lot of information which I didn't before.for me, knowing is easier than not knowing . I think it must be hard for you, as your big mother was so young,you must have speculated as to the circumstances surrounding your adoption.

You mention " rocking the boat" but it seems that your BM does want to contact you. Remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You might just want to send a letter of email through an intermediary to let her now you are alive, well and happy.you don't have to meet up etc .there are no rules . You can just take it one step at a time

KristinaM Thu 16-May-13 09:49:50

Sorry I mean bio mother , not big mother

Blardy autocorrect

I'm still undecided. Has anyone used afteradoption.co.uk? I wondered about ringing them just to talk it all through, but it's not clear from their website what they charge for their services.

FruOla Thu 16-May-13 17:19:31

Did you look at After Adoption www.afteradoption.org.uk/ - (that is, dot.org), so presumably a government website? You've linked to a dotcodotuk website, which is coming up with no website at all.

Anyway, just give them a call to see what their services and charges are. When I belonged to NORCAP (now sadly defunct) I found they were extremely helpful on the phone before I committed to anything financially.

CalamityKate Thu 16-May-13 17:36:30

How odd I was in the same position a few years ago, or very similar!

I googled my birth name and found a post on a "Missing" type website from my half sister looking for me!

Unfortunately it was a few years old and although I replied (presumably replies are then forwarded to the posters email) I never heard anything more.

Good luck with whatever you decide smile

Fru my mistake, it was the .org website.

Calamity you know you have a half-sister out there somewhere. Who knows, one day - maybe you'll find each other.

I think I will give them a call, probably next week. I would normally talk to my mum about it but it's a rotten time at the moment (family funeral next week) so I can't land this on her too. I feel like I'm keeping secrets sad, obviously I've told DH though and I'm spending tomorrow with a really good friend and I can talk it over with her too.

I'm flipping from excited to worried to sad, I know there's no particular 'right' way to feel about it but it's been such a bolt from the blue that I can't work out how to feel about it all!

FruOla Thu 16-May-13 20:24:21

oops, I didn't want you wasting your time on the wrong website, is all!

Update: I've talked to my mum, her and DH are being fabulously supportive, and I've just posted my details off to the Contact Register. If she's registered too, I'll be given contact details.

It's very strange - I don't have any feelings towards my birth mother at all. I hear stories of adopted people who've always felt there was 'something missing', but I really don't. The only thing I really feel is gratitude - she gave me up to a couple who desperately wanted a baby, and who are the most loving, caring parents anyone could ever wish for.

I will update when I hear from the Register.

Kewcumber Fri 07-Jun-13 17:25:23

I hear stories of adopted people who've always felt there was 'something missing', but I really don't.

I really wouldn't waste too much head space on whether how you feel is normal or not or how other people feel. Everyone feels differently and your feelings will probably change over time depending on what you find/how your life is etc. That's life isn't - we all respond differently to things depending on our own personality and circumstances.

Good luck

Mimishimi Mon 01-Jul-13 03:34:10

Stories are only just coming out in the past few years of how many babies were forcefully taken from their mothers, mostly single but sometimes married(!!), by corrupt church health workers all over western countries like Spain, Australia, Ireland and the UK for at least forty years up until the early 1980s. Often they were falsely told that something was wrong with the child and it was stillborn or died shortly after birth. This meant the babies could be sold for adoption without providing any compensation to the mothers. Of course, many adoptive parents had no idea this was going on...they were simply told by the church adoption networks that the child was unwanted, had been born to a prostitute etc. If your birth mother is looking for you, it could be possible that she didn't give her consent for you to be given up.

Budgiegirlbob Mon 15-Jul-13 21:22:42

Don't worry about not feeling there's 'something missing'. I was adopted at birth and never felt there was something missing. I think that this was because I such a happy and loving childhood with my adoptive parents that there really wasn't anything missing in my life.

That said, when I had my own children, I started to think that my birth mum might be wondering if I was alright. So I registered in both the government register and the norcap register. Norcap contacted me to say that my birth mum was also registered, and then they acted as an intermediary and put us in touch. With their help we took it slowly, and things progressed until we finally met. That was over ten years ago, and I now have a great relationship with my birth mum.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't worry about what is 'normal' , take it one step at a time, and move at a pace you are comfortable with. If you can use a third party it can really help

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