So, where are you at?

(132 Posts)
MyDogEatsPoop Fri 05-Oct-12 12:28:22

A 'getting to know you' thread, as I'd like to update my spreadsheet wink

I'll kick off shall I?

Started the process with the first (nervewracking) phonecall in June of 2010, Workshop not until July 2011(!), followed by Homestudy a couple of months later.
Finally approved in June 2012 smile
Turned down one link as not suitable, and have a meeting coming up soon to discuss a little girl!

Fishwife1949 Fri 05-Oct-12 15:04:12

I am waiting for the nod to get on to the prep group

Tigglette Fri 05-Oct-12 15:13:01

Just about to go for medical ahead of starting a prep course. So, at the v beginning of a long road.

We brought ds home this week!
First phone call to ss nearly exactly a year ago. By some amazing stroke of luck got linked very early and had matching panel a week after approval.

Ds is 9 months old and although it's still very early has settled very easily. I assume it's our honeymoon period you read about but long may it last.
We have a dd who is just three and a little clingy at the moment understandably, but seems to be enjoying her new baby brother.
We're exhausted but very happy.

Actually, we had a bit f a longer wait to matching, it was a week from matching panel to meeting ds. Still can't complain too much. Have a lot to thank our fab s/w for.

I adopted a wonderful daughter a couple of years back, through a local authority.

Moomoomie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:57:05

I am a very old, comfortable piece of furniture. grin
We went on prep course November 2000.
Panel May 2001.
Dd1 and dd2 came home July 2001, aged two and a half and six months respectively.
Surprise phone call form social services in September 2007 to say birth sister had been born. She came home in December 2007 aged six months.
We are now complete.

Lilka Fri 05-Oct-12 20:11:29

Oh dear, if Moomoomie is old and comfortable furniture, does that make me an old and worn out piece of furniture? grin

Thought about adoption in 1994, homestudy and approval in 1995
DD1 home August 1996, aged 10
Approved again in 2003
DD2 home March 2004, just turned 8
Found out about DS when he was born in 2005, home February 2007, aged 23 months. He is DD2's biological half brother

DGD born May 2012 smile

Good luck with your meeting MyDog and huge congratulations to you juno how wonderful smile

Moomoomie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:48:17

Lilka... It makes you a really comfortable squishy armchair that everybody loves to cuddle up in. grin
Reading that back it sounds a bit creepy, not what I intended!

Thank you Lilka. Honestly can't believe how lucky we have been.

Went on open evening in June of this year, had social worker visit last month, going on the training in January.

(Have wanted to adopt for about 20 years but seriously been thinking about it on and off for about 5 years.)

Devora Fri 05-Oct-12 23:01:03

I brought home my baby girl just over two years ago smile

BeaLola Sat 06-Oct-12 00:26:49

We became a family in May this year - our beautiful son is 4

HappySunflower Sat 06-Oct-12 00:30:37

We were matched pretty quickly with my little girl coming home 3 months post approval at the beginning of this year smile

Lovesoftplay Sat 06-Oct-12 06:47:09

We brought home our beautiful sons 18months ago smile

First contact with SS October 2009, went to panel in may 2011 due to a massive wait for a social worker as local authority restructuring!!

Bananaketchup Sat 06-Oct-12 14:50:06

First enquired 2009, waited on tenterhooks til early 2010 when I was turned down. Applied again Easter 2011, prep September 2011, panel April this year, approval letter came in May. Am waiting - not so patiently as times goes on - for 2 siblings aged 2-6.

Moomoomie Sat 06-Oct-12 16:40:35

bananaketchup..... How awful to be turned down, good for you for sticking with it and now being approved. Good luck with the perfect match, hopefully the phone will ring soon.

funnychic Sat 06-Oct-12 16:49:38

Applied to my L.A in March 2011 waited 10 months for prep course still non on the horizon so jumped ship to another L.A prep course Jan 2012, approved July 2012 and potentially linked this week!

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 06-Oct-12 17:12:38

Initial enquiry Jan 2011, followed quite quickly by training in April and home study in July. We were approached with details of our DD in Jan 2012 and brought her home aged 10 month in March. We are just waiting for a court date, which seems to be taking forever, after everything else went so quickly for us.

Bananaketchup Sat 06-Oct-12 18:54:08

Moomoomie there was no way I was going to give up - I jumped through every hoop and then some til they agreed to assess me! I'm struggling with the waiting now much more than when I was trying to get my foot in the door tbh. Everyone knows that older children and sibling groups are harder to place, right? Well everyone from my prep who wanted a baby is already matched and it's me still waiting! Adoption is a very funny business sometimes.

Maiyakat Sat 06-Oct-12 20:32:08

I was approved at panel yesterday!!! grin

Devora Sat 06-Oct-12 20:34:11

Congratulations Maiyakat! grin

Lilka Sat 06-Oct-12 20:47:10

Congratulations Maiya!! grin

It's great that there are lots more people on this board now - stick around, it's too quiet otherwise smile

Moomoomie Sat 06-Oct-12 21:06:13

Congratulations. Maiya.
Lots of new faces, let's hope there are more waiting in the wings.

Tigglette Sat 06-Oct-12 21:37:03

Congratulations, that's fantastic news....

LocoParentis Sun 07-Oct-12 13:46:50

congrats Maiyakat grin

I'm in the middle of my prep course now

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 07-Oct-12 14:07:08

Congratulations Maiyakat smile

MyDogEatsPoop Sun 07-Oct-12 16:55:38

Congratulations Maiyakat!
It's lovely to read all your stories, and know so many people really do make it out the other side - I'm still a bit disbelieving that people are REALLY going to give me a child to look after!

Maiyakat Mon 08-Oct-12 11:25:05

Thank you all! I have a possible link with 2 girls, been stealing the keeping calm ideas from funnychic's thread!

HappySunflower Mon 08-Oct-12 12:12:39

Oh how exciting for you!
I had a link very close to panel-my head was in a complete spin grin

Kewcumber Mon 08-Oct-12 14:57:12

there seems to be a wave of newbies in that exciting just started phase. i think I ffeel jealous but can't quite make my mind up!

Devora Mon 08-Oct-12 15:12:53

Gosh yes. It is such a weird time after the arrival of your child - whether by birth or adoption - best of times, worst of times stuff. I felt just overwhelmed, exhausted and emotionally numb, and also thrilled, happy, obsessed with the them like the start of an adolescent crush. Falling in love IS stressful, isn't it? So is having your old life blown up and replaced with something very different.

I don't think I'd like to go back there full time, but I would love to have a day pass, to be able to go back for a day or two at a time, to hold my little ones in my arms with all the awareness of how wonderful they will become and how much my love will grow.

Kewcumber Mon 08-Oct-12 17:16:54

"with all the awareness of how wonderful they will become and how much my love will grow" - oh yes that would be amazing. All that stressing and how much I wish I could have lived in the moment more at that time than worrying about what issues DS would present with and whether I would ever bond with him.

I need a time machine.

Ladyofthehouse Mon 08-Oct-12 19:57:21

Congratulations Maiyakat!!

We went to prep last November, approved June 2012 and linked 6 weeks later. Match approved by panel September and today I finished work!!

Meeting tomorrow with foster carer and social workers to agree introductions and meet our DD's on Wednesday!

MrsDeVere Mon 08-Oct-12 20:08:14

Got a phone call from SIL in May 2003 telling us DGN was being removed from DN's care.
A week later picked up our DS from court age 1 day short of 8 weeks.

Approved to adopt him at the beginning of September 2004
Adoption finalised March 2005

Congrats to all the newly approved and matched and placed smile

Fishwife1949 Mon 08-Oct-12 21:07:00

Right i rang sw today ladies, had home vist last tuesday and i was told they are having the team meeting to talk about us and others on thursday

I think somone needs to shoot me with a dart gun i am clawing the walls

HappySunflower Mon 08-Oct-12 23:54:04

Oh, Fishwife thanks I found the waiting and the wondering the worst part.
Fingers crossed for good news for you!

funnychic Tue 09-Oct-12 09:11:19

Maiyakat, Congratulations on being approved and your potential match. I'm so glad my little meltdown has helped others in this new and scary situation. It's so funny how things change in only a few days, I now have her photo on the fridge and I speak to her every time I go in the kitchen!! I feel a sense of calm and even dare I say it excitement.
Very best wishes to you and all the other newbies. x

Ahhhtetley Tue 09-Oct-12 14:09:36

Congratulations grin

We'll I'm a newbie, had our home visit last Thursday and we're now wading through the mountain of forms to fill out smile

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 09-Oct-12 22:24:40

Lots of lovely news on this thread, congratulations to everyone just through panel, matching etc!

For the spreadsheet: prep Sept 2010, panel July 2011, matching panel and introductions etc Aug 2011. Can't believe DD has been with us 14 months already!

Kewcumber Tue 09-Oct-12 22:32:29

Oh yes the spreadsheet

Ummm... application around around March 2004, matched Nov 2006 (11 mnths), DS came home with me January 2007 and will be 7 next month shock

Devora Tue 09-Oct-12 22:46:32

Ah, the spreadsheet. [Racks brains] I first enquired early 2008, got slowtracked to prep August 2008, approved October 2009, matched July 2010, dd came home August 2010 and has just turned 3.

TheTragicClam Fri 12-Oct-12 21:37:16

Hello everyone. I've been a (lurking) member here for a while, but just starting to get into it.
We started life as respite foster carers (initial enquiry feb 2010, panel jan 2011) and are now approved adopters (enquired june 2011, prep course nov 2011' approved June 2012).
We've had one failed link already and now trying not to panic as have just been linked again, but feeling quite insecure! Weirdly the link feels more "right" this time but just waiting to find out more about the LO.

Pleased to meet you all!

sadie1 Sat 13-Oct-12 18:54:00

I'm reading this thread with a mixture of nerves and hope. I'm a complete newbie to posting but for the record I have one ds (one of twins his brother died at 11 weeks). Dh and I applied for adoption in Oct 2008, prep course July 2011, approved feb 2012, and to cut a long story short now in the middle of introductions. I am such a huge mixture of emotions! Little one is 9 months and has v strong attachment to foster carers, so I'm worried he will take ages to attach to us. Worried I am ignoring ds by spending so much time trying to bond with lo. Felt so confident previously and now all over the place. Have several friends who've adopted but all in different circumstances to us, and worried every time lo cries, feel guilty for taking him away from foster carers, Aaaargh, just hoping it gets slightly easier! Any advice hugely appreciated.

Moomoomie Sat 13-Oct-12 19:37:02

Sade..... Welcome to the adoption threads. The fact that the baby you are hoping to adopt has strong attachment to the foster carer is a good thing, it means the baby will be able to transfer that attachment to you. It is a worse situation to not have a good attachment in the first place.
It may be worth reading some books on attachment ready for the intros.

Devora Sat 13-Oct-12 20:43:13

Hi Sadie, lovely to meet you. Introductions is a very, very difficult time, and you have my sympathy. My little girl was 10 months when we met her, and my older dd was 4 (and started school just four weeks later - NOT ideal). From what you have written, I strongly doubt your ds2 will take ages to attach to you. He is strongly attached to his fc, and when that is removed he will be bereft. Yes, that is awful, and the guilt is excruciating, but he will NEED to replace that attachment figure as soon as possible - and you will be there. It is far more risky to take a child who has learned to not trust or rely on any of their caregivers.

My dd was very, very strongly attached to her fc - they adored each other - and I can only guess at how distressed she was to lose her (early photos show a very sad little face sad). But she clung to me like a little monkey; I wore her in a sling or carried her around for months, and she transferred her attachment quickly and easily.

Having an older sibling is a very mixed blessing, I think. On the one hand, there is no way you can give both children all the attention they need in those early months. You need to give as much as you can to the new arrival, but you can't just abandon your firstborn. No easy answer to that. On the other hand, IME at 10 months old children just adore older children. My dd2 was just fascinated by dd1 from the start, and I think that really helped us bond as a family.

The early months aren't easy, but they are also very special. My advice? Keep calm, get lots of sleep, buy a sling so you can keep ds2 close to you while you talk and interact with ds1. And come on here a lot to talk to the rest of us smile

sadie1 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:16:53

Thank you lots moomoomie and devora. It is great to talk to other who've been in a similar situation. Devora, yes lo is fascinated by ds1 and just paws him at every opportunity. Ds1 has only just started school and has found transition from nursery not easy despite going 5 afternoons a week, so timing not great either but you don't choose these things do you. Lo due to be here for good on Wed so v nervous but excited too - think I've spent sooo long imagining what it would be like, that am worried when reality not quite the same ( my problem not the childrens!!) Thanks again!

Moomoomie Sun 14-Oct-12 11:27:05

As always Devora is more eloquent than me, I wish I could get across in words what I am trying to say.
Sade.. I did not realise you were at I tro stage.... How exciting. I second the sling idea. I carried the little ones on me for a long time. I then went on to a hip seat, I actually used a strip of material to " tie " her on to it. Indespensible when you have an older child to look after.
Best of luck to you.

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:15:13

Nearly a week since I posted and lo has now moved in. All seemed to be going well, and in ds1, although v resentful mid week now seems happier. However I am feeling hugely tearful today, full of anxieites, protective of ds1 and feeling resentful towards lo for diverting my attention away. i have phoned my social worker who says this is normal and these feelings will pass, and its just letting out all the pent-up stuff from however many years of waiting and planning but really hoping I will learn to love lo as really not feeling there at the moment - reassurance needed! Many thanks

Kewcumber Fri 19-Oct-12 13:26:04

how old is DS1 sadie? I only have one but what you describe sounds fairly normal to me - sure I'd feel the same way and I've heard people who gave birth to a second describe something very similar - I think its part of the process of moving from 1 child in the home to 2 (apologies - I know you had two and I don't want to ignore that but presumably you've been a one child household for a while now)

Kewcumber Fri 19-Oct-12 13:29:13

Re bonding.... ha! A week... ha! it took me a while to bond with DS (months) I did feel very responsible for him early on but not love - I don't know when it happened - I pretended for a while then mysteriously at some point it stopped being pretend! I felt like the babysitter for what seemed like the longest time and like the worlds most unnatural mother. Doesn;t seem to have done either of us any in teh long run, DS is nearly 7 and has been with me forever for 6 years.

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:46:08

Kewcumber - thankyou - no apologies needed. Lo is adopted and i keep feeling thats why i feel different but really hoping it's just to do with having 2. DS1 has just turned 5 and yes been just the 3 of us up till now. Been working towards the adoption for so so long hoping it just letting go of everything and finally being a family of 4 - something dh and I have wanted for so long. But just feeling so tearful and doubtful today.

Kewcumber Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:09

no I understand Lo is adopted (so is mine!)

But just feeling so tearful and doubtful today. yes all very normal but do keep an eye out for post adoption depression - there is a theory thats its more common than PND.

Lilka Fri 19-Oct-12 15:54:16

Hi Sadie. This is all very normal. It is such a big change and many people get exactly these feelings. They may persist for a while yet but for most people they will pass as you begin to form a life together. As Kew said, if they last several months and more, and it's affecting your life badly, you need to see your GP, but at this stage, this is common, and you are not alone. You are suddenly together in a home with a new little stranger and the reality is here and you can have all these doubts and fears hitting you. I'm sure such a big change and a new child will bring about some changes in your body/hormones, even if you haven't given birth, and that will affect you as well, and make you tearful. Like the baby blues, but for adopters! Hang on in there

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 18:57:35

Thank you Lilka - I'm feeling a little better although exhausted from crying all day! I talked to a good friend who said she felt the same when number 2 dd came along. talking really helps (if I can stop crying to get the words out!) both on here and to others. I also spoke to fellow adopter who said she felt the same so not feeling so alone, but still feeling a bit wobbly. especially when ds1 says how he doesn't want lo here. Hard to cope with lo's screaming, which he seems to do when he's happy, but I am trying to think in his shoes - coming into our family without knowing how any of it works must be v hard. Any reassurance greatly appreciated!

Devora Fri 19-Oct-12 20:23:12

Hi Sadie, I promise these feelings are normal. I felt a great deal of resentment and irritation with dd2 for more time than I care to admit after she moved in. I'm not proud of that but I think it is inevitable - at the beginning, it's a bit like somebody has left their kid with you to babysit and hasn't come back to collect them.

Remember: fake it and the love will come smile

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 21:20:08

Hi devora - thank you so much again. Exactly how I feel. I remember feeling my identity had been hijacked when ds1 was born and for first year, but feeling that plus more now...exhausted, cross, sad but also knowing this what me and dh have wanted for so so long. And guilty I don't feel happier! And really scared about dh being back at work next week. All support is so so appreciated

Devora Fri 19-Oct-12 22:07:56

Ah Sadie, it is tough. But just think: you have taken a stranger into your home, one who is constantly, unrelentingly demanding. Plus you're really aware of how difficult this is for him, and that makes you feel guilty, which is probably making you angry too.

All I can do is promise that it will get easier and easier. My dd has been with us two years now, and words cannot describe how much I love her and how happy I am that she is my child. I don't know many adopters who did not feel the way you do in the weeks after placement, so go easy on yourself and keep talking about it here. We will understand!

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 08:49:45

still feeling truly awful - thinking I've made an awful mistake. ds1 had nightmares and ended up in bed with us which is most unusual. What have i done

Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 09:44:37

really Sadie - you just have to stick with it. Its a big change for everyone including you and it won't do your DS1 any harm to have the odd unsettled night or to not get all your attention 24/7 in the long run. Its more likely that having a sibling will benefit him than not but understandably he is used to having your attention all on him - doesn't mean its good for him! And I say that with an only child.

Stop worrying about whether you've done the right thing or not, focus on the practical and get on with things. Keep your days busy and get out as much as possible (walks, soft play etc), stress how much DS2 likes DS1 if you can and don't get too obsessed with how you feel about the situation. At this stage its just getting through the day and starting to work out a totally new routine which works for all of you.

This about how you would feel if you had given birth to this baby... DS1 wouldn't feel any different - you would just accept as everyone else does that he will be fine when he adjusts. Of course the added wrinkle is that you haven't had time to bond with the baby yet which complicates things and you are therefore looking at things much more from your perspective of loving DS1 more than DS2 at the moment but that will change.

Keep posting here, others have been through this and I haven't so I may be being unnecessarily harsh with the "just get on with it" as I didn;t have an older DC to deal with - I did however have total cold feet and wonder what I'd done so I can identify with the feeling.

funnychic Sat 20-Oct-12 14:45:05

Aww Sadie I really feel for you. I have no experience I'm not officially matched yet but the common thread is to take it day at a time. What your feeling is normal and is too be expected. When you first met your hubby you didn't love him immediately did you? or have to cook, clean, feed him. A baby is so demanding at the best of times even when you know them and have a connection with them, so a 9mth old baby who is a stranger is doubly hard.
Iv'e tried to think what would I so if I felt this way and I came up with the answer that I would try and think how the baby is feeling now, scared stiff, greaving for his FC and in a strange place with strange people and I would try and make his life as comfortable and nurturing as possible in the hope that doing this would bring me closer to him and quell my anxiety. As for your birth child try and get them as involved as possible helping to care for him, pass me your brother/sister nappy, help me brush his hair etc the sooner he feels at ease with the baby the better for all of you.
Please come back on here regularly and tell us how your feeling, having someone who has experience of what your going through is invaluable hun. xxx

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:17:22

Has this board gone quiet?? I only just joined mumsnet.
We have adopted two children. First contact with VA in Spring 2011, Prep course, home study, matching panel in May 2012. Were warned that match could take till about now, but brought our children home in September!!!!!!
very early days, but so far so good.

Are you guys using any other discussion sites? Maybe some that are not so openly accessible? I have been on fertilityfriends website for ages. any other ideas?

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:19:39

Apologies, i had not figured out how to go through the entire board, have done so now ...

Will spend some more time reading up here.


Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 16:22:27


Weekends tend to be quieter around here.

I don't use any other adoption boards partly because I like the crew on here and partly because we don't have any major adoption related issues just minor ones which I don't have a problem discussing on a public forum.

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:34:08

Hi Kewcumber,

just caught up with reading! Thank for answering. I am also after more general advice, as so far we do not have any unsuual problems and hope that it will stay so. We had a ton of information about the childrens' background.

Sadie: I read yoru posts with much interest as I felt very, very similar to you. I hope you are already feeling a bit better. Having two children 'invade' our hoem and life was a huge shock and the fact that we had invited the invation did nto help, but added guilt to my other mixed emotions. 3 weeks down the line and we seem to approach a sor tof normality ... - right who is laughing?? I can hear you!!!

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:59:05

Am having a rubbish day. Fortunately my wonderful dh is doing everything. Social worker came round at lunchtime and was very supportive and said it was normal and offering all sorts of advice and ideas. But I'm still not really wanting to engage with lo at all and thinking he'd be better off elsewhere. I took to bed after social worker left and have just managed to make some supper for everyone but really don't want to help with lo at all. Full of anxiety, fear and doubt...

Devora Sat 20-Oct-12 17:52:05

Sadie, there is no way you can know at this point that you haven't made a terrible mistake. Children are always a huge amount of work and sacrifice. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is the amount of love you share. And right now there's no love to share.

Post-adoption depression is very well documented as a concept and if you are struggling you should seek help with this, just as you would after childbirth.

I really relate to how you are feeling - it's good to hear that Serenity does too - and of course I can't promise that you will grow to fall deeply in love with your new child. But I think it is highly likely that you will!

Incidentally, I have an older bc and felt deeply guilty about what I might be doing to her. But she absolutely loves having a little sister and I have absolutely no doubt that all the sacrifices that she too has had to make are worthwhile.

Kew is right: you need to stick with it. You can overthink these things - if you spend your days searching for the certainty that you have done the right thing then you will feel bad because you're not going to find that certainty yet. Keep on keeping on and I promise the love and the certainty will just creep up on you. Caveat on that is that if you think you are getting really depressed or anxious you should of course seek help with that.

Devora Sat 20-Oct-12 17:52:49

Serenity, lovely to meet you. Do you have two children? How old are they?

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:15:38

devora - huge thank yous. what you are saying so rings true. i could do with a hug please! have felt a little better tonight - bs and lo had a bath together and enjoyed it although i got cross and irritated when lo cried and screamed coming out the bath. lo's sw has been wonderful and has said i must talk and include friends/family to help me get through. also by talking to gp, and hv. i have suffered from depression before many years ago when i split with my husband and this feels the same - just more sudden and intense, and more racked with guilt cos children involved. many thanks again x

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:37:42

Hi Sadie,

please try not too worry yourselff too much. You sound liek me and I went as far as telling our social worder nto to aks me whether I wnated to keep the chidlren, because i was afraid what answer i woudl give!! I now feel very foolish about this comment ( and the guilt is also still there!!), but I KNOW what you feel and it is distressing that you have to WAIT until love (like any feeling!!) developes. I am glad you can detect positive changes in yourself. And I too still get irritated by both my cherubs behaviour, whereas Dh somehow seems to manage to stay calm. But we both admit to each other that we are not 100% burning with love - yet. But we start to manage to feel that we are a little more than their caregivers (for want of a better word - personal assistants??, slaves? ;-)
I don't want to waffle, but please hang in there. I too was so worried that ours would be a failed adoption. I sisnce have heard from two of my frineds and they both had these doubts/lack fo feeling and they had it at very differetn stages fo the adoption process and it lasted several weeks and several months in the other case.

Devora - yepp, in at the deep end - two for us!! And they are 1 and 2. We were so surprised. I think that is also why i had such a hard time adjusting. See above comments. I coudl nto believe it and then badly surprised myself for not feelign grateful, overjoyed and in love instantly. But getting there ... day by day, hour by hour. ;-)

Have a lovely evening and weekend everyone. DH just brought the take-out menues and a glass of well deserved vino. cheers

smile wine ... hm, is this smiley stuff working??

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:38:25

Oh, look it is indeed !!!

wine grin

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:05:52

Thank you for your messages serenity and devora. I am going to try and have an early night although feeling i will never sleep again. I told the social worker I wanted her to take him away and then felt hugely tearful at that thought too... just don't feel I know what I want at all apart from to run away from my life (taking ds1 with me of course) I am upsetting and worrying my dh too. Hoping it really will get better...

Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 21:15:28

"I wanted her to take him away and then felt hugely tearful at that thought too" - gosh I remember that - I was desperate for someone to take DS and when they did (for a break) that didn't feel right either I felt like I was doomed not to be happy for the rest of my life, that I would forever feel responsible for him without loving him enough to enjoy him.

Try to switch off and not overthink things - just keep plodding along with the practicalities and worry about how you feel another time.

sadie1 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:06:49

Ok, having had a good nights sleep I wake up this morning feeling just as bad (no thinking required). Just looking at lo makes me cross and irritated. I'm failing to do any care, have really upset my dh who can't really inderstand how I'm feeling and ds has had second night of nightmares. I just want to run away...

cedar12 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:58:25

I agree with kew. Its really hard at first just try and deal with one thing at a time. Maybe try and get out this morning. Have you had any time on your own with lo? Maybe your dh could take ds for some one to one time and you can have some time with lo with no distractions.

LocoParentis Sun 21-Oct-12 10:19:08

Sadie how did you feel about your ds2 during introductions? I'm just wondering of your feelings changed as soon as he came home and your ds1 struggled or if you had niggles during the intros as well. I haven't gone through it yet so feel free disregard any of my advice but I agree with cedar. Why don't you spend some alone time with ds2 it may help with the bonding. Good luck I've been thinking about you a lot over the last few days

Lilka Sun 21-Oct-12 11:20:15

Sadie, I'm sorry things are so hard right now

Focus on the practical things you can do and make yourself do them. Making a simple dinner, going for a walk, giving dc's a bath, be busy as much as possible. I think you are in danger of falling into a vicious circle if you stop engaging with them and providing care (do you mean practical care as well as the emotional care?) where you aren't doing much, so you focus more on how rubbish you feel and that makes you want to withdraw even more. Make yourself interact a bit more with DS2 when you're doing things with him

It's not really the same, but I really remember weeks when DD1 was very challenging and a lot of me wanted to pull the covers over my head, refuse to get out of bed and not engage with her because everything I did and said was wrong. She had a routine, but I really had to make myself follow a rigid routine as well, including when she was in school. After dropping her off, I will do this, then I will do that, and so on. Can you give yourself a bit of a routine of things to do?

If you think this feels exactly the same as when you previously had depression, then I wouldn't wait so long (not several months) before going to see the GP

Serenity70 Sun 21-Oct-12 11:46:58

Hi Sadie,
sorry to read that you are having another hard day. Keep writing here and do get some help. I started taking a herbal remedy for calming and relaxing and especially sleeping at night. I very much recommend it: Clipper sleep easy organic infusion (via amazon or any big supermarket). it contains - amongst other things - valerian root. Even better for me was Valerian root drops. search for "valerian root extract" on amazon. A few of those into a glass of water.
If you had depression before and you know other things work for you, do no hesitate to try those. I hit rock bottom during introduction week. I found it so stressful, that I stopped sleeping for three nights, then could only nap for several more and on top I could not eat or keep food down. Needless to say I was run down and THEN the children moved in. I felt like i had made THE biggest mistake in my life.
But you know ( and I did) in your head (though currently not in your heart) that you are not in a good position to make decisions because you first have to get yourself into a better place. I agree with Lilka, do engage with your LO, but be kind to yourself as well and do not expect it to be fun. Just do something for or with him every day. Does not need to be much.
Fingers crossed and let us know how you get on.

As for myself - not having a great day myself. Am totally hormonal 9periods - urgh!), shouted at 2-year old already (because he is pushing his boundaries and my buttons) and feeling pretty rubbish about it. Of course he is good as gold now so I am confused as to whether he needs a very from hand (but shouting??) or whether I would have gotten to the same blissful state of affairs without the shouting perhaps. Wait, I think I can figure this one out myself ;-)


Kewcumber Sun 21-Oct-12 12:44:51

I also wonder whether it would be worthwhile your DH taking DS1 out and leaving you to deal with DS2. It's not something I would normally advise but I am a single parent so I had no option but to care for DS from day 1 - whatever I felt. Its the act of caring that starts the bonding process and you are being allowed to duck it.

Whatever your feelings re DS2 and whether they will grow as was the case for all of us, you are an adult and should be capable of physically caring for DS2 regardless of your feelings in the matter. If you aren't even able to look after him then I would suggest that you are depressed and as Serenity suggests think about coping strategies that you had before.

DS1 is fine - a few nightmares isn't the end of the world, he is safe and secure with both of his parents engaged with him - really this isn't going to traumatise him and I think you need to try to stop focussing on that because you're using it as a handy cop out for why you feel this way.

You feel this way because babies are bloody hard work and even harder work when you don't love them and its terrifying to wonder if you've done the right thing. But you're not going to bond if you choose not to and avoid doing anything which helps that. It's also not fair on your DH to be doing everything so "man" up and start pulling your weight and reassess in a few weeks how things are going.

And it isn't going to miraculously change overnight because you had a good nights sleep!

I know I sound harsh but I think you do need to accept that you took on the responsibility to look after this child and so you must. What you feel about him is irrelevant. You can choose to listen to everyone on here and your SW about how this is absolutely normal at this stage and get on with things or you can choose to feel sorry for yourself and treat this child like an inconvenience that you ignore. That is now the choice you have to make. EVen a tiny choice - to look after DS2 for an hour everyday whilst your DH takes DS1 out - will be enough to show yourself that you can do this.

Kewcumber Sun 21-Oct-12 12:51:25

Oh lordy -I sound really horrible! I know it's hard Sadie, I've been there, we all have. But please try to listen to what we're saying.

cedar12 Sun 21-Oct-12 14:33:23

I hope your ok Sadie. I found it a lot harder than dh when ds came home. But the best thing we did was to have time with each of them seperatley for a few hours. The child psychologist recomended in fact. Keep posting, and i hope today has been ok.

funnychic Sun 21-Oct-12 16:26:14

Hi Sadie sorry your still feeling awful but I have to say that I agree with the others. Can you at least try to do some practical things for your little one, like feeding, bathing, changing nappies? There is no way you are going to know how you really feel if you are not engaging with him in anyway.

I really do feel for you, but I do think you should try and engage and then if no improvement in your feelings then at least you can say you tried and then make a decision about all your futures knowing you made an effort.

Best wishes I do hope things improve xx

KristinaM Sun 21-Oct-12 17:30:10

Sadie, I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I think you shoudl trust your instinct that this feels like depression coming back again. You need to make an appointment with your GP tomorrow and tell him/her what you've told us on here. Being tired, stressed and not feeling any particular attachment to your child is very normal at this stage. I'm not sure that crying all day and not caring for your child at all is.

Post adoption depression is a recognised medical condition. Its not your fault and doesnt mean you are a bad mother or your won't be able to bond with your new child. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake adopting.but it does mean you need help.

Please see your GP and come back and let us know how you get on.

sadie1 Sun 21-Oct-12 19:50:16

Thank you to everyone for their advice etc. Today has been one of the most awful days I've ever had - I have the most marvellous support which just springs in to action when I put out the message, but sadly its my head I've got to deal with. I am going to see a doctor tomorrow and speak to post adoption counselling although at the moment I feel thoroughly talked out. I have various people with me all day. I did manage to make food for everyone this evening including the lo, and i held him for a bit... we shall see...certainly not in any place I want to be at the moment. But knowing others have at least been there does help so many thanks

Devora Sun 21-Oct-12 22:16:15

I'm so sorry today was so terrible, sadie, but so glad you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. Grab with both hands at whatever help is offered. And do please keep up the contact with your new lo - it really won't help to avoid that.

Claifairy Mon 22-Oct-12 09:37:50

Sadie, I hope today is a good day for you.

Where abouts in the country are you as my LA pays for a mums and tots group which is fantastic as we are all able to get together and chat about anything! We are all at different stages and been through different things and know how to help each other - normally with a night out including wine!

Claifairy Mon 22-Oct-12 09:41:13

For the spreadsheet!
Info evening Jan 2011
Prep Course Feb 2011
Home study May 2011 - July 2011
Approval Panel Sept 2011
Matched Dec 2011
Home Feb 2012 - would have been earlier but Xmas in the way!

(We had been matched a week after panel but had to withdraw when more information was disclosed and we were not shortlisted for another match but our LO was meant to be)

Fishwife1949 Mon 22-Oct-12 17:19:51

Right i have a meeting tomrrow with my ssw and somone from the adoption team and lunch time so i shall let you know how it went

Oh and on a lighter note i passed my theory test today

MyDogEatsPoop Mon 22-Oct-12 20:38:19

Congrats on that Fishy!

I might have to update myself soon as well - we had a linking meeting last week, and it looks like everything's going ahead to match us with a little girl.

Lilka Mon 22-Oct-12 21:07:34

Oh how exciting MyDog!! Keep us updated please smile

There's a lot of people on this forum all getting linked, matched and bringing little ones home at the same time!

I hope today was better than yesterday Sadie

sadie1 Mon 22-Oct-12 22:07:04

Today has been hugely stressful and very sad. Lo is now in emergency foster care but due to all our earlier complications (including v difficult intros) we have breathing space to perhaps rebuild a life with lo if we decide that is right for all 3 of us. I just know both partner and I need to sleep on and do more thinknig and talking...thank you to everyone here for your advice and support

HappySunflower Mon 22-Oct-12 23:30:55

Oh, Sadie that must have been a dreadfully difficult thing to do.

I hope you have a peaceful night and the way forward seems clearer to you tomorrow.

Kewcumber Mon 22-Oct-12 23:33:35

So sorry it worked out like this sadie1 - did you go to GP? I think it would be worth discussing the depression issues with her as I'm sure whatever happens with the baby, you are going to need some support.

Devora Mon 22-Oct-12 23:44:12

Oh Sadie, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope this will give you the breathing space to make the right decisions. Did you see your doctor?

Get a good night's sleep x

Lilka Tue 23-Oct-12 00:10:22

I'm so sorry Sadie. I also hope this will give you the space to make the right decisions. I hope you can get a lot of support through this. Have you been to the GP?

I hope you can get some sleep tonight and find the best way forward, whatever that is

WendyGx Tue 23-Oct-12 12:07:51

I've held back from posting as I'm so frustrated about 'where we're at'! I wanted to wait until the next stage but just waiting for it is driving me mad. In terms of dates, we went to open evening August 2011, training November 2011, homestudy Jan-April 2012, approval start of May 2012 then we had to put family finding on hold. I started chemo late May and finished in August. On 12 Sept my consultant said 'we're done' and agreed to sign me off to re-start family finding. Spoke to our SW on 14 Sept who agreed in principle but needed the consultant's report. I waited patiently silently for 3 weeks and found out the SW still had no report. I called my consultant's office to chase (I know it wasn't my place as I had not requested the report) to be told they'd call back, a long weekend later they fessed up that not only had he not done the report, he'd lost the request. So I called SW asking their medical officer to re-send the request. Its been 3 weeks since and still no news. The waiting is awful and only me and my DH seem to have any urgency. I went back to work yesterday (only pt) and I'm pooped. I honestly went back just to keep busy and it worked. I was distracted. Its been emotionally draining. Getting over chemo, re-starting work and waiting for this letter and of course waiting for a match. But its too tough today, I'm so upset. I know I'm tired and maybe a match would be better when I'm stronger, but this is so draining in itself. I know its not even a year since training (and matching could take longer), but this was only put off as I had chemo in 2011 and a hip replacement in 2010, due to treatment in 2006. We'd found out in 2007 we couldn't concieve and we'd planned adoption since 2009, so its really been a good few years of waiting. God if I cannot cope now, what am I going to be like for the matching wait.
Oh what a whiney post. Someone tell me how wonderful it'll all be and it'll be here before I know it (aka hope).

Fishwife1949 Tue 23-Oct-12 19:28:27

Right had the vist with the sw from the adoption team and my ssw from fostering support to be honest i am really not sure WHY she came she said nothing

Oh was asked why he wanted to adopt again and seing that he has no issues why dosent he find somone who can have children also asked about he will feel in 10 years time confused the team said it was strange we had not gone for ivf and gone stright for adoption

He expained his reasons in full

Then i was asked about how my up bringing effected me and also why i dont speak to both of my parents and why i refer to them by there first names ( i hope i am not judged on my parents mistakes i can do nowt about them being toxic)
the actuall sw had no concerns helfself the TEAM wanted clarity

Also wanted to know about the money sistuation since giving up fostering would mean looseing some income
Oh just got a new job last which pays more

Also wanted to know why i hadn't mentioned a caution i had gotton when i was about 20 as i already foster for the la i a hoping to adopt from i did expain that i thought as i already foster for them i assumed she had looked at my CRB already

She said she would let us know weather we can go on to the next step on thursday

I just feel a little deflated i guess oh says it will be fine

Also she took me out on my owan and asked me if i thought about oh leaving me because i cant have birth chikdren

I satayed strong and didnt even wobble even though i had a good cry when she left not very nice at all

LocoParentis Tue 23-Oct-12 20:45:24

That sounds bloody awful fishy. It sounds like you handled it really well tho, better than I think I would have.
It sounds to me that they will want to proceed.
Good luck

Fishwife that sounds terrible. I am so sorry for you. They sound very rude. I can't believe they can ask those sort of questions about your dh. Try and stay strong. Hope that things will pan out well.

KristinaM Wed 24-Oct-12 22:35:43

The questions about splitting up because you can't have bio kids are most unprofessional and completely inappropriate. Yes of course, the issues will be adressed during the home study but not in this manner .

How you doing fishwife? Hope you are feeling more positive.

Maiyakat Fri 26-Oct-12 18:16:19

Sadie - really hope having the space this week has helped to make things clearer for you
Fishwife - did you hear from the team yesterday? The SW who did my homestudy wasn't the one who did the initial visit, so hopefully yours wont be either!

I've had an interesting week - had to step out of the match with the 2 girls as after getting more info I really wasn't sure I could meet both their needs as a singlie as their needs were so different. So many emotions in such a short space of time!

HappySunflower Fri 26-Oct-12 23:53:54

I'm having a bit of a tough time of things.
I thought about starting a new thread, but am really worried about being identifiable as know a lot of Mumsnetters in rl through work.

Despite my return to work arrangements all being agreed months ago, my formal flexible working request has been refused.
They are insisting that I return closer to full time than has been deemed to be in my child's best interests.
I've had a meeting at work that was very difficult and I am now playing a waiting game to see if they change their minds or not.

If they don't, then I have the option to appeal or take out a grievance, or try to reach a compromise agreement and leave.

I've had legal advice, union representation, and brilliant support from my sw, so kind of have things covered from those pov, but would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has had experience of this kind of thing.

Hi HappySunflower I'm afraid I can't advise really as have not been in your position. I am also not sure of your situation, are you a single parent or the only salary coming into your home? I guess these factors will influence how you feel. When you say "Despite my return to work arrangements all being agreed months ago, my formal flexible working request has been refused." Do you mean they agreed to what you would be doing (either in writing or verbally) and have now changed their mind, or something else.

Whatever you do decide to do I wish you all the best.

I hope you will find something that works for you.

I have been very lucky that my boss has given me remote access at home and I do a percentage of my work at home at any time of day or night, so it does not affect child care with my school-aged DD. We have not yet adopted but hope to, if we do I would like to go back to work - but ideally with fewer hours and maybe in a different role. So I might end up with a battle on my hands in years to come.

Anyway, all the best and if you can get all the help you need because it does sound very unfair of your work to agree to something then change, if that is what they did.

WendyGx Sat 27-Oct-12 10:33:42

Hi HappySunflower

I'm sorry you're having a tough time and the last thing you need is an unsupportive employer.

I suspect you have been given the following advice already, but in my experience of flexible working requests the following may be of use.
If you are declined and chose to appeal, please do so with some basis other than you are not satisfied. I hope this doesn't sound rude or patronising! Employees can appeal against the decision because: the employer didn’t know something important related to the application when they made their decision and/or the employee wants to challenge information used by the employer. So think about things like...
- precedents - does anyone else in the organisation have this work pattern?
- solutions - i.e. can you offer alternatives e.g. job share which has not been considered
- trial period - offer to work this way for 3 months with a review to 'test' any concerns they may have
- temporary / fixed term solution - perhaps ask them to agree to a fixed term solution which will resort in agreed time frame.
- annualised hours - essentially decreased hours year one and increased year two - or whatever period
- suppport information - have you submitted any 'professional' guidance in a formal way e.g. letter from child's gp/sw supporting the need
- flexibility - maybe a tweak on your original request to show you are willing to compromise. have you considered working from home, compressed hours, flexi-time with core hours

Another thing to remember, if they say 'no', they must have business reasons for rejecting it; e.g. cost, unable to absorb by other employees. If ots not clear, ask.

I wish you all the best and lets us know how you get on.

HappySunflower Sat 27-Oct-12 11:36:08

Thank you both for your responses.

I have suggested a compromise which would make things tricky financially but I could possibly find a way to make it work.
My SW and Union rep have both submitted letters of support
I have said that I would be happy to work some of my hours from home, and will offer the organisation as much flexibility as I can. I have also suggested compressed hours.
I have also stressed that I have already been employed by them for many years, with a good track record. I am known for my commitment and flexibility and have really gone the extra mile for them over the years. I would potentially work for them for many more years, so am really asking for flexibility for a short period of time in the context of my long term employment with them.

This has caused me so much stress this week and I am having trouble sleeping so really hope we can reach an agreement soon.

WendyGx Sun 04-Nov-12 18:02:12

Hi HappySunflower, just wondering how you are and if you've managed to agree arrangements at work. Hope so.

Happysunflower any news? Thinking of you and hoping things will develop in a good way. I feel your employer seems to be acting badly!

Wendy made a lot of helpful comments and suggestions, I will take note of them in case I find myself in a similar boat!

Happy I do hope it will work out, if they do squeese you out in any way I hope you will take whatever action is appropriate (I mean legal) because it sounds rather anti-family policy at the very least. ESPECIALLY as you have said about home working, which is what many employers seem to actually want! Home working can result in fewer work-related train/car journeys, people clogging up roads etc - working from home is rather the future/modern/environmentally-friendly, so for them not to allow it or to restrict it a lot seems not at all sensible!

Anyway, thinking of you.

HappySunflower Tue 06-Nov-12 11:41:34

Thanks everyone- we've finally reached an agreement.
It was not what I had asked for but will do for now- at least until I work my 12 weeks by which I hope to have found another job.

It has been a very stressful few weeks!

KristinaM Tue 06-Nov-12 13:04:22

I'm sorry to hear all this, it DOES sound very stressful indeed. And so short sighted of your employer, who undoubtedly will lose a good emplyee. I hope you can put up with the situation and find something more suitable soon

WendyGx Tue 06-Nov-12 15:05:02

Hi Happy, I'm pleased its at least something you can manage for 12 weeks. It annoys me that some employers are so shortsighted. You'll be having a busy 3 months, best of luck with the job hunt.
Italian, hope you don't ever need the advice! Thanks for kind words.

Happy I hope it will all be OK in your job situation. I feel very cross for you that they have not helped you.

All the best and stay in touch... please...(just nice to hear new people's new experiences).

Karbea Mon 19-Nov-12 17:00:17


I've not posted on here for a bit, but thought i'd pop by to say it's finally the open morning at the LA tomorrow for us. I think it'll be really interesting and DH and I will have a lot of talking to do afterwards... I've told him to expect horror stories, but what else should we expect to hear?

HappySunflower Mon 19-Nov-12 17:55:46

You will probably be offered the opportunity to talk to some adopters, and during the presentationy bit they often reel off some stats for you- number of children adopted last year, and their ages, etc.

I don't remember a lot else!

Cheltenhamgirl Sat 29-Dec-12 23:24:13

Hi we are at the start of a long road. We enquirer in July this year through Barnados and started the assessment process in September, have had numerous visits already by SW, both together and on our own. Have had medicals, crb checks, references completed, family trees drawn up and are still going through the assesment process. Our training is next month and I am looking forward to meeting other prospective adopters. Does anyone know how far we have to go before we get to the panel? I will ask our SW next time we see her, just thought I'd get opinions.

Hey guys, any news for anyone - MyDogEatsPoop, Fishwife1949, Tigglette, Juno, Happiestinwellybobs, Maiyakat and anyone else???

Loco, Wendy, Sadie, and Cheltenhamgirl - sorry if I missed anyone off. How are you all. I can't sleep! Am in middle of prep group. Not literally this minute of course!

Best wishes to you all. On the fertility threads we were always hugging each other, doesn't seem to be quite the thing to do here! so firm handshakes all round! Off to be bed now but would love to hear how you all are.

VerityPushpram Sun 13-Jan-13 10:50:35

I've missed this thread, so I'll add myself to it. We had our prep group November/december, started home visits last week, just had our medicals, and CRB checks will be on wednesday this week. We've also got a load of homework! Done about half of it, want to get the rest done today (financial statement, just finishing off the family tree).

So, a firm handshake from me and maybe an airkiss or two. Hope everyone is progressing well, see you around.

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 13-Jan-13 11:17:02

We finally got our court date and had our celebration in December - a relief that it was all finally official smile. I am back at work tomorrow, so we have been doing a phased induction into nursery. She is loving it, which I thought would be the case as she is such a confident little girl, but you still worry about these things. Luckily I am able to return part time so can still spend a couple of days having fun with her.

She has settled in at home brilliantly - the past 9 months have flown - made lots of little friends (the babas, even though they are all only a couple of months younger than her!). I still have to pinch myself sometimes - 12 months ago we didn't even know anything about her !!

MyDogEatsPoop Sun 13-Jan-13 12:47:43

Sorry - I started the thread, and haven't updated myself.

Well, the match to the little girl went ahead, and we're off to matching panel in a couple of weeks. It's not been easy - she's quite the character, by all accounts, and we're definitely going to have our work cut out, but we're pretty sure it's going to be fun as well!

We've been wallpapering her room, installing blackout blinds and painting furniture this weekend. I'm quite jealous of her girly bedroom.

Maiyakat Sun 27-Jan-13 11:23:28

Glad to hear of all the positive progress! MyDogEatsPoop, have you been to matching panel yet? So exciting!

I have a possible link, not telling people in RL yet... Trying so hard not to get carried away and failing, as there are so many hurdles to go yet

VerityPushpram Sun 27-Jan-13 13:41:11

Hey, good luck with that!

Lilka Sun 27-Jan-13 14:25:03

That's fantastic MyDog smile Good luck for Panel!

Can I ask how old she is?

MyDogEatsPoop Sun 27-Jan-13 15:41:45

Hello! We went to Matching Panel on Wednesday, and were unanimously approved! Now though, we've got a bit of a wait again AGAIN until intros, as they have to sort out the intro-planning meeting (I forget the proper name of that!), and do some work with small child before intros can start.

She is nearly five!

MyDogEatsPoop Sun 27-Jan-13 15:43:47

Oh, just read back properly - good luck Maiyacat!

MrsBW Sun 27-Jan-13 19:56:02

You can add me to your spreadsheet smile

Started the journey with an LA and fell at the second hurdle i.e. they didn't accept us onto prep group after our initial visit, as my husband and I hadn't lived together for long enough; he worked away from home for a couple of years.

Now starting the process again with a VA and have initial visit in early Feb so here's hoping!!!

Nice to 'meet' you all and I hope those at intros or matching are getting along well. x

MyDogEatsPoop wow, wonderful news. I just wish you best fun time getting that room ready and thinking of her in it! I really hope all goes well.

Best of luck Maiyacat.

Verity would you be willing to tell me or PM about the medical, what do they check? Also the family tree, how detailed is it and what is it all about, I've not heard of it before. A firm handshake from me and maybe an air kiss or two back to you.

MrsBW, hope it goes well for you next month, not long to go.

Best wishes to Fishwife1949, Cheltenhamgirl, Sadie, Tigglette, Juno, Happiestinwellybobs, Loco and Wendy

MrsBW Sun 10-Feb-13 15:32:06

Visit went brilliantly, totally different from last time. Social Worker said there and then that she'd be making a recommendation that we be placed on next month's prep group.

We're on our way grin

Fab, * MrsBW* good news.

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 10-Feb-13 18:11:38

Ooh exciting news!! smile

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 10-Feb-13 18:43:58

Ooh exciting news!! smile

Mum2G Mon 11-Feb-13 18:36:32

Fab news MrsBW, great that you didn't have to wait to find out too

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