Spoke to my birth mother after 42 years..

(76 Posts)
squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 21:47:52

As the title says really. I just need to post this somewhere and this seemed the right place.

I always knew I was adopted, it was never a secret or really something that bothered me.

But natural curiosity always made me wonder about my biological mother. My mum (adopted one but she will always be mum to me) died 4 years ago, my dad died 19 years ago, and as I had no siblings, I felt rather lost in the world, so my curiosity stepped up a level and I thought I would try and find the woman who had given birth to me. It was luckily quite easy thanks to the power of the internet.

I had also been looking in the wrong country for the last decade when I made my half hearted searches, so no wonder I hit a dead end.

Anyway, I found her, right name, right age, living in the USA. And after a few glasses of wine last week, I just rang the number.

She answered.

Probably the most awkward stumbling introduction of my life, and I feel a bit bad for just springing the call on her, but hey, I figured she has had 42 years to wonder if one day I might just find her.

Well, we spoke for an hour, and I now dont feel like I have a missing piece of my personal jigsaw. She is going to write to me and send me photos.

The next night I also had a phone call from her neice, who is older than me by a few years and had always known of my existence. She said my BM was so utterly thrilled to have heard from me. She has spent the last year battling cancer and just been given the all clear, and hearing from me was her dream come true (thankfully!!).

That was last Thursday, and I have felt so wierd since then. In a good way. I always said while my parents were alive, I had no need to even find my birth mother, but after my mums death, I felt the need to find out more strongly than ever. I knew my BM would also be getting older (she is 68 now) and realised that if I kept hesitating, one day it would be too late. I am so glad that I have done it and it is so far going ok on both sides.

Thanks for reading my waffle. And if there is a better place I could have posted this, please advise me and I will ask for it to be moved.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 25-Sep-12 21:52:52

squeaky, this is absolutely a good place to post this and glad to hear that your contact is going well.

bushymcbush Tue 25-Sep-12 21:55:54

How brave of you to make that call! And a lovely, satisfying outcome.

PopOozeTheFastest Tue 25-Sep-12 21:59:34

How lovely for you Squeaky. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Pooka Tue 25-Sep-12 22:00:45

So she was just 16 when she had you. sad

How lovely that you've been able to find her after all this time and that in the meantime you had (I hope) fantastic mother and father while you were growing up.

squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 22:01:48

Not sure about brave.. lol.. drunken courage most definately..

Thanks.. smile

I did completely freak my husband out a bit though.. I stumbled went up to bed and prodded him, and said "hey, i just talked to my mother".. he opened his eyes and looked at me as if I had lost the plot... me "no, no, not the one who died... my birth mother"...

I cant wait to see the photos that she is going to send me, as it will be so surreal to see someone whose genes I have.

She was lovely about my parents, (I knew she had met them once, but didnt realise that she had met them a few times during the adoption process). She wanted to know that I had had a happy life and been loved (which I was, very much) and I reassured her that I did not hate her for giving me up, and totally understood the circumstances.

squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 22:04:39

No, I am 42 and she is nearly 68, she was 24 when she had me. She did already have a 7 year old son (my half brother) who was from an abusive marriage that she had left. Back in 1969 there wasnt the help available for single mothers that there is now, and she knew that she would struggle to cope with two kids, so she decided I deserved a better chance than she could give me. As I said, I dont blame her, and I had a fabulous childhood with the best parents you could wish for.

Hassled Tue 25-Sep-12 22:11:29

I can't imagine the courage it must have taken you to pick up that phone and make the call - no amount of wine would have made it easy! Am delighted for you smile.

lljkk Tue 25-Sep-12 22:13:19

Ooh, what a fantastic story. I hope it builds & you can find a friendship together.

mirry2 Tue 25-Sep-12 22:14:26

lovely story. It's given me goosbumps

LouMacca Tue 25-Sep-12 22:15:08

Oh wow!! Very best wishes for the future smile

Pooka Tue 25-Sep-12 22:16:19

Maths not my strongpoint then wink blush

Really pleased for you.

Must be a strange feeling though.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 25-Sep-12 22:17:49

Wow that's amazing!

Lilka Tue 25-Sep-12 22:18:48

Very glad to hear it went well for you, and best wishes for the future smile

lemontruffles Tue 25-Sep-12 22:20:35

Wow, you did have courage wine or no wine what a wonderful story.

Hope your photos arrive soon, and how exciting to have this new beginning for all of you!

squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 22:23:10

We are already in the middle of planning a trip to the USA to my best mates wedding next spring, so will hopefully now be adding a couple of more stops onto the trip.. although if we win the lotto first, I will be going much sooner!

I dont want to rush things, but equally, the last few years have made me realise how quickly life goes by, and how short life is, and that some things should never be put off if they are important.

showtunesgirl Tue 25-Sep-12 22:49:25

Wow, amazing story OP. Hope the trip turns out well. smile

DameKewcumber Tue 25-Sep-12 22:50:13

How lovely to hear that contact with her was so positive for you. If I were any kind of believer I would like to think of your parents smiling down on you - I would be if it were my DS.

Good luck

chickydoo Tue 25-Sep-12 22:53:14

WOW!!!
Good on you. How lovely to read a positive post. I hope you can now find a kind of peace ( or even piece) in your life

Devora Tue 25-Sep-12 22:57:11

Wow, what a post! smile

whethergirl Tue 25-Sep-12 23:07:11

That's fantastic, what a great outcome.

Was she very shocked when you told her who you were? Or did she think it might happen one day? It must be amazing to suddenly discover a whole new family.

FizzyLaces Tue 25-Sep-12 23:15:52

Wow, just wow! That is truly amazing - well done for making the call.

squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 23:17:56

Thanks everyone.

She was a bit shocked I think, but she couldnt stop talking.. and neither could I.

It was very wierd, it really was. It felt like I knew her, she didnt seem like a stranger.

Knowing I now have a new family is really really good. Knowing I can now do my family tree is great.

It was the one thing I had unanswered in life, and as I dont have biological children of my own, (I have stepchildren), it was even more important to me to find a link if that makes sense.

LizLemon007 Tue 25-Sep-12 23:21:41

Wow, what a phonecall!

brew

budgieshell Tue 25-Sep-12 23:22:40

That must have been a very strange conversation what on earth did you find to talk about?

Sounds like you found more than just your mum, a half brother and cousins, aunts and uncles ? How big is your family?

My mum could not find her birth mother but was frightened of what she would find out. So you are very brave, well done, I hope it all goes well for you.

whethergirl Tue 25-Sep-12 23:24:47

Wow, I don't think I'd know where to start - if I was either of you!

So happy for you squeaky!

squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 23:32:11

We talked about her meeting my parents, she asked how they were, I told her they had died, we talked about my job, her job, my husband, her health, how tall we were.. just bits and bobs really, and she wanted my address, which I gave her, so that she could send me a letter and photos. I left it that I would wait for her letter then ring her again and send her some photos.

Then the next night I had a phone call from my cousin. She had rung her immediately after we spoke to tell her the news, and my cousin wanted to speak to me to let me know that I have always been known about, and they were so pleased to have me in the family and couldnt wait to get to know me, which I thought was so welcoming and sweet.

I want to know more about my birth father too, and I am sure she will tell me, but I didnt want to bombard her with too many questions on the first phone call either.

kissyfur Tue 25-Sep-12 23:39:44

That's lovely squeaky smile

whethergirl Tue 25-Sep-12 23:44:55

Fascinating! I bet you can't wait to see a photo of her.

And what a lovely thing for your cousin to do.
It must be nice to know you weren't kept a secret. Sounds like they are very eager to have you as part of the family squeaky.

squeakytoy wow, that is an amazing story. I really hope the trip will go well and wish you all the very best.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 26-Sep-12 00:01:54

Wow! What a lovely story, thank you for telling us squeaky. And that was very brave, wine or not, there were lots of possible, less happy outcomes.
Congratulations and well done thanks.

squeakytoy Wed 26-Sep-12 00:03:52

I think I had steeled myself for dealing with worse outcomes. Logically, if they didnt want to know me, then fair enough, I wouldnt be losing someone I already had in my life and at least I wouldnt spend the rest of my life wondering "what if"...

I do feel incredibly fortunate that it has gone well so far.

I'm so glad for you, squeakytoy, and hope it continues to go well with your new family.

Noqontrol Wed 26-Sep-12 23:22:52

Wow, thats fantastic. Very exciting. I'm sure your adoptive (real) parents would be pleased for you too. I hope it all works out good for you.

queenofthepirates Wed 26-Sep-12 23:35:52

How wonderfully exciting! I do hope it goes well and give us an update when you get photos. What a fantastic new chapter to add into your life.

I wish you much, much happiness.

FizzyLaces Wed 26-Sep-12 23:45:52

Just to echo queenofthepirates, I wish you lots of happiness. And admire you for your bravery too. At a time when you were feeling rootless, you have been given roots. I expect it will not always be easy, but the best things in life aren't easy, are they? Good luck to you and your new family.

Just wow, you are amazing smile x

squeakytoy Thu 04-Oct-12 22:06:37

A quick update. The photos arrived today.. and I am the double of her. Its so weird, but in a nice way.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 04-Oct-12 22:13:17

how lovely.
i wish you well, i wish i could do this but i cant, i have never known my father.
i never will. i wish often i could find out about him, maybe even talk to him.
im really pleased for you squeaky. what a lovely story.

smile

whethergirl Fri 05-Oct-12 00:14:32

Wow, that must feel amazing. Are you going to send her some photos of you?

That's amazing, squeaky. I can't imagine how weird it must feel. Good luck with it all, I hope it continues to go well for you.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 06-Oct-12 23:38:47

Op.

How wonderful for you. I know its early days but do you feel all gushy and like you want to rush to meet her.
I speak from experience and know what those photos mean to you. I never got to meet mine as she died very young, but met several aunties, uncles and cousins.
You know who you are now, I'm so so happy for you. wine

squeakytoy Wed 12-Dec-12 21:03:32

A quick update again.

Got a christmas card off my mother today. smile

I have put a couple of photos on my profile, you can see if we look alike!

My cousins daughter (so my second cousin) emailed me a month ago to say hi, and we have become FB friends, and have chatted every few days for ages, so I have found out loads more now about my family history, which has been fascinating.

She has also emailed me a load more photos too, and she took the photos that I had emailed to her mum round to my mothers (they live close by each other). My mother apparently burst into happy tears saying "oh my baby girl at last"...

I am the talk of the family (again and for a good way this time I imagine as opposed to 42 years ago!), and my mother and her sister are busy planning where they want to take me and what they want to do when I get over there in the spring.

I also rang my (adopted) mums best friend today who knew my mum for over 40 years and is like an aunt to me and told her that I had contact my mother. I was a bit apprehensive of how she might take it but I neednt have worried, she was absolutely thrilled for me and burst into tears too.. (I seem to have the knack of making people cry happy tears lately quite a lot). She said that she was sure my mum would not have been upset if I had talked before she died about wanting to find my birth mother, and that they had often discussed it, and my mum had always thought I would want to find out more one day. Part of me wishes I had done it a bit earlier now, but then again I know I wouldnt have been able to show how excited I am without worrying that I was hurting my mum. If that makes sense. I think the timing was right for me.

Lilka Wed 12-Dec-12 21:19:24

What a lovely update smile So gald it's all going really well

In the top photos, you are amazingly alike! I could easily have mistaken you both for the same person if I had just seen the two photos with no caption

Dollydowser Wed 12-Dec-12 21:20:02

I've peaked at your photos, my god you are so alike! Your story has made me smile, I hope your trip next year goes well, please keep us updated smile

squeakytoy Tue 15-Jan-13 21:25:18

quick update..

I am flying out to Denver on 28 Jan to meet her.. and all my cousins and aunts!!!

grin

edam Tue 15-Jan-13 21:36:39

Wow! I hope you have a fantastic time. The resemblance is stunning!

My sister's best friend found her Dad via Facebook, and flew out to America to meet him and the whole family. It went really, really well. I hope your reunion is just as joyful. smile

Wish we could find my Mother's birth mother but sadly hit a dead end despite using an adoption detective. But it's always great to hear of a happy story where someone has got a resolution.

squeakytoy Tue 15-Jan-13 21:56:18

I am really excited, and quite terrified in equal measures I think. But I am sure it will go ok. We speak on the phone once a week now, and get on so well.

Smudging Tue 15-Jan-13 22:05:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoodlesNoodles Tue 15-Jan-13 22:13:26

I love stories like this. smile. I peaked at the photos and it is amazing how similar you look. I know that is not the surprise of the century but it is still lovely. Are your voices similar too?

I hope your trip goes well. thanks

squeakytoy Tue 15-Jan-13 23:25:04

voices are not really similar as she has an american accent.. but apparently we have very similar tastes, likes and dislikes.. which is quite spooky..

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 23:30:30

Have just read this and it has made me smile after a shit day. So so happy for you Squeaky, and cannot wait to hear all about your trip! How wonderful. Much love. x

Lilka Tue 15-Jan-13 23:46:35

Wonderful smile

Hope it all goes really well!

aftermay Tue 15-Jan-13 23:56:23

What a lovely story. I hope you'll have a lovely time getting to meet everyone.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:02:10

i wish you the very best squeaky

how fantastic. im going to live vicariously through you! keep us updated and fingers crossed it all goes brilliantly!

FarelyKnuts Wed 16-Jan-13 00:13:52

What a fantastic outcome squeaky. I am so pleased for you. I hope the trip goes well! smile

Maryz Thu 17-Jan-13 15:57:17

Wow, how fantastic. I missed this thread the first time around but I'm delighted for you.

dd is the spitting image of her birth mother - really a carbon copy. I hope she feels she can talk to me about meeting her one day, should she want to (atm she is adamant she doesn't).

Have a lovely, lovely holiday, and best of luck with meeting your second family smile

MrsMcEnroe Thu 17-Jan-13 16:06:30

Only just found this thread - have a wonderful time squeakytoy! I am the spitting image of my birth mother too, and also of my half-siblings. Glad the pieces are falling into place for you.

Squeaky so glad it is all working out for you so well. Do you have support in real life, people to talk to if things do not always go so well?

Just think it is good to have people you can talk to through this, it must be very emotional for you.

So lovely to hear that you spoke to your (adopted) mum's friend and she was so encouraging. It's really great.

jenny60 Thu 17-Jan-13 19:26:31

Good luck. How exciting.

RufflingFeathers Mon 21-Jan-13 14:33:38

Read this whole thread, and it made me cry !! so glad you're able to go out there, really hope it goes well - do let us know !!

Budgiegirlbob Tue 22-Jan-13 13:11:38

Just came across this thread, and wanted to say how wonderful it is, and good luck for your trip to the States. You made me cry too!
I found my own birth mother 10 years ago, and it's like all the pieces suddenly fell into place. She lives 200 miles away, we are in regular touch and visit often . You are right, even the first time we talked, it felt like we had known each other all our lives - a very strange feeling. And she now has grandchildren, which she thought would never happen.
The best thing of all though is that my birth mum feels like a huge cloud has lifted. For 32 years she wondered if she had done the right thing in giving me and my sister up for adoption, now she's says she knows she did. We grew up in a happy, loving home with wonderful adopted parents, and the relief my birth mum feels is enormous.
Just by making contact with your birth mum, you've given her that feeling of relief. I hope you have a great trip, and enjoy it, even though you'll be nervous. And be prepared to be 'shown off' to all her (your) family and friends!

squeakytoy Sun 27-Jan-13 22:09:44

well I fly out there tomorrow... am so nervous... been an emotional wreck for the last week..

MrsBW Sun 27-Jan-13 22:29:31

Hope your trip goes really well x

LocoParentis Sun 27-Jan-13 22:30:30

good luck, I really hope the trip is all you want it to be

Wetthemogwai Sun 27-Jan-13 22:39:21

Good luck!

Does she know how alike you look? Can't imagine how surreal it will be when you first see eachother in the flesh but I hope it's surreal in the most wonderful way!

Have a lovely lovely time and I hope everything works out as you want it to xxx thanks xxx

I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope your meeting brings you both peace. Best of luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes.

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 00:40:49

I am home..

It was an experience. Good and difficult. None of it bad.

We got on fine. I wasnt expecting a disney reunion anyway. I am realistic and cynical enough to know that was never going to happen.

We are very very alike in many ways. Both reluctant to show our emotions unless we have had a couple of drinks to ease the way. There were some very hard conversations which were tearful on both sides, but we had a good laugh too. She was trying very hard to be a "mum" at times which was both funny and irritating.. my cousin was fantastic and probably because there was less pressure, I found her much easier to be with. My mum and hers (sisters) are very narcissistic... and she was was a great ally to have.

Ikeatears Thu 14-Feb-13 00:57:13

Hi, sound like it was a real mix of emotions - I found my birth m

Ikeatears Thu 14-Feb-13 00:59:46

Sorry, posted too soon:
I found my birth mother many years ago and reunion wasn't always easy but I don't regret it. I'm glad I met her.
I hope you had the experience you hoped for and I hope your relationship continues to grow. In what way were they narcissistic?

squeakytoy excellent news.

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 01:07:54

I dont regret it either.

The narcissistic bit is very hard to explain without it being long and drawn out. Basically, the whole family is pretty disfunctional.. mainly due to my mother and her sister, their string of failed relationships with wealthy men, and kids who were left to bring themselves up, (with no shortage of money, but clearly a shortage of attention).. one of my cousins comments was "you really want to thank fuck you were lucky enough to be adopted". confused

Much of this has been in the past and has calmed itself down now as mother and aunt have got older, but I can see the hurt that is still there with my cousin. She only had two brothers, who both died at early ages (36 and 48) due to drink and alcohol problems, and she holds her mother indirectly responsible due to the lack of attention because she and my mother were out partying all the time as they were growing up and basically left them to sort themselves out.

As I say, its difficult...

Glad you're home in one piece, squeakytoy. I'd imagine it'll take time to process all you've been through over the last couple of weeks. It's great there's a cousin in the picture too, for you and for her.

I don't know if you can watch this ( based in Ireland) but there's a fantastic series on at the moment called 'Adoption Stories' which gives different slants on the adoption triange. Here's the link:
www.tv3.ie/3player/show/346/59002/1/Adoption-Stories

Maryz Fri 15-Feb-13 15:16:09

Goodness, that all sounds very tough shock

Do you have any siblings, or did your mother not have any other children?

I suppose, in a way, you have done what you needed to do to find out about your background, but it might be handy that they are the other side of the Atlantic.

Your cousin sounds nice - it sounds like there is a good possibility of developing a long-distance relationship there.

Happy, I've been watching those programmes - my kids tut and turn them off if they come on, they are still refusing to talk about adoption at all.

jax10 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:17:29

I'm glad to hear overall it was a positive experience. I am 40, just made contact with my birth mum and things are going well. Have plans to meet her in a couple of months.

jax10 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:21:17

I'm glad to hear overall it was a positive experience. I am 40, just made contact with my birth mum and things are going well. Have plans to meet her in a couple of months.

lisalovesyou Thu 17-Oct-13 22:11:31

WOW I am sadly a birth mum and would give anything to hear from my daughter. she will be 18 soon and I prey I will be in touch with her soon. xx

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