Help please re: matching

(39 Posts)
MissFenella Wed 22-Aug-12 18:32:16

SW came over today and just dropped into the conversation that they have changed the timetable for meeting our adoptees. They have added an extra 2 weeks onto the timetable.

We have had this discussion before. The FC wanted the girls to move mid October, to fit with their half term and so they could have an early birthday party. We obviously want them here asap but being pragmatic suggested the start of the month. We then got confirmation that the agreed plan was for 1st October. (All of this considering they should have been here from mid sept - but FC booked a holiday and necessitated respite for the girls...)

Today we have been told, its not going to be before mid October at the earliest (ie going with the FC preferred options). The agreed plan wasn't a plan blah de blah.

We being gullible idiots have structured our adoption leave around what was agreed! It such a pain and I genuinely feel that this is to dance to FC tune rather than what is best for the girls.

I doubt we have any authority to change things but does anyone have any advice or failing that could cheer me up a bit?

adoptmama Wed 22-Aug-12 18:45:39

Sorry you are going thru this. I remember being told it was impossible for me to get DD1 before christmas (thankfully didn't turn out that way) and I was devastated. I know this must be so painful and disappointing for you that the start of your new family life together is being delayed. As my adoptions are outwith the UK I'm afriad I have no advice as to whether you can change this decision - just advice on how to try to view it in a different light....

My advice, on a practical level, would be to immediately make arrangements with your employer to move the start date of the adoption leave. I would expect and hope your employer can accommodate this as you are still giving plenty of notice and it is not unusual to have delays in adoption.

I would also say to try to view what is happening in the delay as being good for the girls on one level, in that they have a better finish and start time with the old/new schools as they will be moving over a holiday. It gives them a chance to move on and prepare for the new start without being thrown straight into it. They will have so many changes going on in such a short space of time that perhaps having a few days extra grace over the half term to process it all will be good for them. It does also give them time to have a final b/d party with the foster family which may well be important for them too. I know it is better for them to be settled in their new family but it is also important that their good byes are handled well.

Sorry I'm sure its not really much of a comfort. I also found screaming at the walls made me feel a lot better!

MissFenella Wed 22-Aug-12 19:35:58

Thanks Mama

We are pulling ourselves together now and thinking big picture. Dh will change his time and I will take leave.

MissFenella Sun 21-Oct-12 17:21:22

Well, they move in tomorrowgrin

Very mixed feelings about it, sure it's normal for any parent.

Either way, tomorrow will change our lives forever!

Lilka Sun 21-Oct-12 17:27:23

Oh fantastic grin

Big congratulations to you smile

lunar1 Sun 21-Oct-12 17:28:18

Congratulations for tomorrow, hope everything goes well.

ovenglove Sun 21-Oct-12 17:29:14

How exciting....and terrifying! Its now 2 years since DD was placed and life has most certainly changed. Enjoy pumpkin carvinggrin

MissFenella Sun 21-Oct-12 17:58:50

Luckily I love all that shizzle, I already have 3 pumpkins blush

Great news.

Devora Sun 21-Oct-12 22:21:17

Oh wow! Best of luck smile

Moomoomie Mon 22-Oct-12 19:30:39

Hope all went well today, mixed emotions I expect.
Congratulations and best wishes.

lunar1 Wed 24-Oct-12 10:20:57

Hope everything is going well.

MissFenella Wed 24-Oct-12 21:37:51

Not really - girls are fine its me and Dh who don't like it sad really feel we have made an awful cock up.

HappySunflower Wed 24-Oct-12 22:00:13

It is bound to be a big life change for you both so will take some adjustment.

Want to talk about what it is you feel you don't like?


KristinaM Wed 24-Oct-12 22:28:42

How did the introductions go? Did you have these concerns from the start or just since they actually moved in?

It's such a stressful time I know, but please come back and tell us when you can

MissFenella Thu 25-Oct-12 07:16:46

It is just the whole what have we done thing

I am sure it will improve.

Will post more tonight when they are in bed.

Moomoomie Thu 25-Oct-12 08:23:32

It is such a huge, life changing event that you are going through. You are bound to feel a bit scared. You now have two little people who depend on you totally.
I am sure everyone goes through this stage to a certain extent.

And, to be honest, after all the assessment and intros etc once it is just you as a family together at home it can be a bit of an anti climax, even though this is what you have been building up to for all these months.

Take care of yourselves, talk to us, hopefully we can help.

KristinaM Thu 25-Oct-12 09:31:45

Hope you are feeling better miss fenella. How are your 3 bio kids coping? Are your new children at school?

Brasssection Thu 25-Oct-12 10:46:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnychic Thu 25-Oct-12 12:00:44

Missfennella I really feel for you, I am having serious doubts and my child hasn't even arrived yet. Please keep posting the good people on here have great advice and for me, your thought's and how you deal with them I'm sure will resonate with me and others. x

Devora Thu 25-Oct-12 17:21:25

This is so difficult, because nobody can ever tell someone they will enjoy parenthood.

BUT I can promise, hand on heart, that when I adopted dd2 I felt little other than fatigue, resentment and a screaming desire for freedom. I was kind of proud of her, mainly because she was so pretty and everyone admired her [not-proud-of-myself emoticon]. I reckon it took me six months to get fond of her, and a year to love her. And then in the second year I hurtled into new depths of love that just increased all the time.

What kept me going? Actually, it was knowing that this was exactly what happened with dd1, who is my birth child. I don't think I'm very good at instant bonding. I also know I'm better with older children than with young toddlers and babies (they're cute but BORING and the lack of communication is so FRUSTRATING).

I also knew people who had adopted and experienced the same thing. A very old friend of mine adopted a 1yo and when I first visited them I was shocked at her fairly obvious ambivalence towards him. I thought, "Oh my god, that poor kid, this won't last". But within a year she was completely besotted with them and, 6 years on, that placement is going brilliantly.

So I think I just kept going and had faith that the feelings would come. I decided early enough to forgive myself, to allow myself to keep a smiling face while inside I was thinking, "Leave me alone, you little toerag". And the feelings DID come and I'm really glad I didn't panic.

Kewcumber Thu 25-Oct-12 17:23:23

I don;t need to write anything as this says it exactly for me:

So I think I just kept going and had faith that the feelings would come. I decided early enough to forgive myself, to allow myself to keep a smiling face while inside I was thinking, "Leave me alone, you little toerag". And the feelings DID come and I'm really glad I didn't panic.

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 25-Oct-12 20:56:55

It is normal to feel this way. It is 7 months since we brought our DD home, and it has not been easy. I honestly don't think anyone would have suspected it, but I struggled - lots! I have had ups and downs with my feelings for her, but slowly we have built our bond.

These are early days for you - my first days were full of "what on earth have we done?" thoughts. Take time for yourselves.

I now don't regret adopting our DD a bit (something I couldn't have honestly said at time over the past few months). She is a delight, and I know how lucky we are to have her.

I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt - eventually my DH. My advice is to talk to people in RL if you can.

Stay strong - remember why you came to adoption. When times were tough, I thought about our SW's words at panel. She said that I should remember how i felt at that time, how much we wanted our DD. And I did - and it helped.

MissFenella Thu 25-Oct-12 21:08:09

Thank you so much. I do feel small steps forwards. I'm being kind to myself (and Dh) and we are laughing our way through this.

Thanks again x

Ps I have no bio kids, let alone 3 !

KristinaM Fri 26-Oct-12 07:28:56

Apologies, I was confused blush

MissFenella Fri 26-Oct-12 18:52:43

Confused I can empathise with

KristinaM Fri 26-Oct-12 20:54:06


Ifyou have gone from a peaceful childfree household to having 2 kids overnight then you will be totally shell shocked. It's just so much more intense and hard work than you can imagine before you are a parent.

I often s mlie when I hear people saying " oh yes I know all about children, I'm a teacher /nursery nurse". I want to say " yeah,do you work a 168 hour a week shift then? "

As you know now, it's not the same.never getting a break is very exhausting, especially when everything and everyone is so new. And you have the added stress of wanting to do it right all the time because this is what you've wanted for so long.andyou don't want to mess up these poor kids anymore than they have been already .and you can't palm them off on granny /neighbour like bio kids because of the attachment issues.

Asking yourselves " what have we done? "is totally normal I think ? Just keep on keeping on. It's gets better, honest

MissFenella Fri 26-Oct-12 23:01:00

Thanks Kristina - you are of course spot on.

Things get better each day, I have hope :D

Hope things are going well

Ladyofthehouse Sun 28-Oct-12 20:31:00

Hi MissFenella,

Our two little girls moved in just before yours by the sound of it and I am now just starting to feel confident around them. I've always thought them adorable and so cute but in the way you would look at a friends child. And when they've been here having tantrums (or worse, the constant toddler whinging!) I have thought why????

The youngest didn't attach to me at all and my DH literally couldn't leave a room for the first week so I really struggled to imagine how I would be at home with both of them when he goes back to work. That is what I think is different. We've had all friends and family giving us advice and their opinions but they just can't understand that what is difficult is now actually knowing these children!

I honestly think you have to just think about 1 day at a time. Each day she has come to me more and more.

Make sure you are giving yourself time to yourself as well. This morning I felt guilty going out for a run but I have felt so much better for it all day without feeling that they are taking all my time and energy.

I'd also advise lists! I've stuck up lists on the inside of the kitchen cupboards for food they like, meal plans, an outline of a routines, ideas of games to play etc. Otherwise it's the moments when I'm truly stuck for how to entertain that get me down.

Hope you are feeling better!

MissFenella Sun 28-Oct-12 21:14:29

Its getting a little better every day. we are taking it slowly and being kind to ourselves.

The girls are fab but Dh and I have not bonded so we are still in babysitting mode but, little changes in their behaviour to 'our' way is starting to help.

KristinaM Sun 28-Oct-12 21:50:08

I'd be worried if you thought you were bonded to them aftre a few weeks. Thinking they are quite cute kids you are babysitting is the best you can expect at this stage. After all, they are total strangersto you. and to them you are total strangers who have kidnapped them. So why shoudl they like you?

I wouldn't like or trust someone who came and took me away from all I've ever known, promising me that they woudl be my " forever family". With their strange voices, faces, smells, food, rules and routines. It must be like being kidnapped by Martians sad

Bonding is hard at the best of times. < whispers> lots of parenst feel like this about their new born babies too. They are just too scared to say. And they have the benefit of a genetic link and family resemblances, in terms of temperament and personality as well as appearance

Missfenella all the very best, keep going and enjoy the bits you can. It sounds like things are going well and you are getting lots of good advice and tips on here. Just wanted to wish you well.

WendyGx Wed 31-Oct-12 10:20:45

MissFenella, so please to hear its going in the right direction.
KristinaM, thanks you've made me really, really, think from the child's point of view in the first few days. I appreciate your honesty.

MissFenella Mon 05-Nov-12 21:37:01

Getting better every day!

Thanks for your kind words

Kewcumber Mon 05-Nov-12 22:03:47

Its a bit like moving a man that you quite like the look of and have met a couple of times into your home and spending 24/7 with them! You'd expect it to be a bit stressful, wouldn't you?

Glad to hear its getting a bit better every day. One of the things that kept me going was that each week just seemed to get better and better (though to be fair not every day as I still had ups and downs) but each week was identifiably better than the week before.

2old2beamum Tue 06-Nov-12 12:29:26

I am so glad things are getting better every day. For some reason I found it hard to bond with our 4th adopted DC. Over a year post adoption he was very ill and was waiting to go to theatre for neurosurgery. I suddenly burst into tears as I realised how much I loved him. We were joined at the hip until he died 8years later. The love for your DC's is there but you haven't realised it.
This is not a sad post I loved him so much it was worth it.

Cheltenhamgirl Sat 29-Dec-12 23:36:55

hello just wanted to check how it was going for you? We are at the start of the process and I know it's going to be a long and hard road. We have no children so this will be our first if we get approved.

2old2beamum just read your post above, am so sorry for your loss, you sound like an amazing mum.

MissFenella how is it going? Christmas can be a very stressful time for all families, so hope yours was OK and if not, at least it is over. My 2013 be a fabulour year for you and your family.

And for all of us.

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