(53 Posts)
Lilka Sat 26-May-12 19:57:13

It's been a while since we had one of these. Anyone want to chat? Everyone welcome smile

It's rare that DD2 is in the mood for a cuddle or wants to spend any length of time with me in general. Tonight, she does want to curl up on the sofa with me and some chocolate watching TV

I am delighted smile

The (significant) downside is that, as you can probably guess, she wants to watch Eurovision

Frankly, I should get a medal for my acting skills in pretending that I a) want to watch it, and b) I actually like it

Why didn't she want to watch a nice movie or something??! Why do I have to spend my evening watching singing Russian grannies and bloody Jedward!

I will grin and bear it. I am envy of those of you whose kids are too young or too sensible to want to watch this. At least I have my laptop and therefore MN with me

What are you all doing this fine evening?

Lilka Sat 26-May-12 19:58:22

ps. I may just have offended any of you who are Eurovision fans. I would apologise but I can't bring myself too. I hate it that much grin

funnychic Sat 26-May-12 20:26:56

Hiya Poor poor you having to watch Eurovision! I have been doing a general search on all aspects of adoption tonight as (nowt on tv)! I have searched several of my favourite sites and several adoption blogs I have been reading and I'm having my very own panic attack!! I cant seem to find any positive or easy reading about adoptive children, It really all seems intense, hardwork and angst ridden. Am I doing the right thing? I am starting to have my doubts as I am getting near to panel, I know it is what I want but please tell me its not all as bad as I keep reading?
Really sorry I have hijacked your bright and breezey chat post but I am seriously having my very own breakdown sat here!!! I think chocolate is required its that bad!

Lilka Sat 26-May-12 20:54:56

You aren't hijacking. I am happy to be distracted to be honest grin The Russian grannies have finished now - DD2 is still singing the chorus loudly and badly shock She's giving me dirty looks because I'm typing as well as watching!!

You should have chocolate- it is the best feel good remedy of all time smile No need to feel guilty about that. Or, if on a diet, a relaxing bath. And tea. A cup of tea will make anything feel better brew

I would say that in 15 (nearing 16) years, I have lived about 2 or 3 where I was having such problems that we didn't have a family lfe, and that was with one child only. With DD2, although she is hard work and it is intense, we do have a family life, and we are usually happy. DS has issues but is a delight to parent usually. We have up days, great days, down days, and awful days. But there are lots of small positives as well as bigger progress. What I wanted more than anything was to be a parent, and i am that now, and it has been a very challenging journey but very worth it for me personally. Even though my children do have issues stemming from their past, we deal with those slowly over time. I may not have the family life other families do, but I have one and am so glad of it

I know other families who haven't had problems which is great. It's a possibility you wouldn't have any problems. I just think being prepared for special needs and issues is the best thing to do. And if you do have a lovely child who has issues, it is still a positive thing. If that makes sense. You can have a positive, great life with a child who is not the same as other children

One of the reaosns I like chat threads is that I can post the little stuff, especially the nice things, that happen every day, but don't merit starting a thread about


HappySunflower Sat 26-May-12 21:26:51

Hello smile

New adopter checking in. I am also watching Eurovision but my baby is fast asleep hence far too young to blame, so yes I am watching it through choice grin

We have had a nice day playing in the paddling pool in the garden- I so hope that this stunning weather continues!

funnychic Sat 26-May-12 21:42:58

Thanks for the reply. I think I need to read a lot less and just go with the flow. I thought I was doing myself a favour educating myself and I suppose I have and nothing will come as a suprise now, but I do think I am doing myself more harm than good now. In my rationale reasonable mind I know that for every post about problems, there will be 10 just getting on with life.
Thanks again I'm a bit calmer now

Moomoomie Sat 26-May-12 22:09:24

Hi all.
Dd2 11 years old returned from a school activity resedential trip.... And had a fantastic time, I'm so pleased. Although she is extremely tired and grumpy.
Also, looking a bit better for a diagnosis for dd3 who has just turned five.
Happy weekend to all.

Lilka Sat 26-May-12 22:13:27

Great. Now DD has to vote as well. What a waste of 15p!!! She wants the Russian grannies to win. I thought Sweden was probably the best

Happy - Lovely smile The weathre has been great, we were outside most of today. DD2 and DS sprayed me with their SuperSoaker. DD1's fault - she bought it for them. I was so hot I was actually pleased grin

Funny - Try to keep calm. Wobbles are normal. If you do deal with issues in your children, you will be in good company and get good advice here smile How long till panel now? Exciting times

Lilka Sat 26-May-12 22:15:30

Moo - So glad your DD had a great time smile Best of luck with the dx, it isn't an easy process but getting a dx can be really worth it IME

HappySunflower Sat 26-May-12 22:48:18

Funny...sorry, I just noticed your post blush
A wobble is perfectly normal. I had one or two pre-panel and given the enormity of what you are doing, it's no wonder, really- it's a huge life change!
My little girl has been home for a matter of weeks and although there are obviously challenges I have quite honestly never been happier and adopting is absolutely the best thing in my life that I have ever done.
Feel free to private message me if you want to chat offboard.

funnychic Sun 27-May-12 09:35:22

Thanks Happysunflower, you might be sorry you made that offer!! LOL smile

Lilka Sun 27-May-12 12:51:15

Still gorgeous weather here smile Kids in garden with paddling pool, and DD1 is coming over with DGD soon. I can't wait grin DGD is 4 weeks on Tuesday and already has a full head of hair. It started out dark but it's getting lighter by the week. Think she'll be blonde soon!

Moomoomie Sun 27-May-12 16:00:46

Sounds an idyllic Sunday. Lilka. Enjoy those baby cuddles.

Lilka Sun 27-May-12 21:24:13

Have had a lovely day smile Very peaceful by our standards - only one tantrum in the whole day from DD2, and she and DS barely fought at all. We all had fun. DGD is just gorgeous, had a wonderful time with her and DD1

What did you all do today?

Kewcumber Tue 29-May-12 16:20:12

Hi all - first experience today of DS being asked in school - why didn't your real mum keep you? (from a close friend of his) As luck would have it I was there (reading with kids) and said very firmly "I am his real mum". Oh OK well teh mum who grew him "Thats is DS's story, it is private and he doesn't have to discuss it at school"

Teacher overheard and asked me if she needed to intervene (no just make sure he isn't being badgered about it). I think it all went OK and gave DS an idea how to handle it if it comes up again.

Lilka Tue 29-May-12 18:21:08

Well done Kew smile

Having a go at cooking with DD2 tonight. A simple pasta. This could end very badly!! We shall see....

DD2 is not doing enough revision! She didn't do enough for the couple of exams she's had, and she still isn't doing much. I mean, she'll never set the academic world on fire (she's less academic than DD1 who got less than 5 GCSE's), BUT she could try. I know this is mostly my problem. I KNOW she feels its pointless because she won't manage above a D in maths or English or Science even if she does put in mega effort, I KNOW she feels stupid and worthless, so doesn't try. But, I just can't help feeling so frustrated and upset when I see her sitting there doing nothing sad I don't expect her to get good marks, I just want her to try alittle bit. I've tried everything i can think of to get her revising, but she won't unless I can coax her into an hour with a treat promised at the end. And if she gets frustrated because she can't do something she throws her books around and storms off

I am fed up of exams already. So glad that after this year, I don't have to deal with them for another 8 ish years!!

Kewcumber Wed 30-May-12 15:35:50

I don;t feel "well done" I feel a bit sad - you know the kind of sad that they have to learn to deal with it even at a minor level and that you can't ever take that away from them.

Have also asked teacher to refer DS for speech therapy and she's agreed - apparently totally aware of the issue but has never mentioned it at either of our consultations before. Would most teachers have mentioned it or am I being a bit picky?

Adoptionrulesok Wed 30-May-12 15:52:34

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that I really like the adoption forum on here. Everyone seems lovely and it's great to be able to share experiences with likeminded mummies (and maybe daddies?).

Has anyone else become a real adoption ambassador since adopting? I find myself crowing on about how fantastic it is all the time smile I love being a mummy!!

Lilka Wed 30-May-12 15:53:19

I know what you mean Kew. I'm sorry if I worded that poorly - I meant that I thought you handled the situation very well (IMHO). It isn't easy when a question is just sprung on you. I hope DS is not feeling too affected by it

I think his teacher should have mentionned it personally, if it's to the stage you need speech therapy then surely it warrants a discussion?!

Our pasta did in fact turn out very nice. Not only that, but DD did 3/4 hour of revision. Proud of her smile

Adoptionrulesok Wed 30-May-12 15:54:44

sorry Kew, I meant to answer your question in my post. I think the teacher should have mentioned it. Speech problems can have such an impact on social skills, which is surely one of the reasons children go to school?

My eldest has speech therapy and she is the lovliest professional I think I have ever worked with smile

Kewcumber Wed 30-May-12 16:03:55

I think his speech problmes can be fairly easily resolved but tehre are a few of them - lisping S, V instead of TH and some very odd vowel sounds which don;t come from any bit of the English language I've heard (though I haven't worked my way through all the Russian ones!).

His speech sounds cute now but what sounds cute at 6 isn't going to sound cute at 9 and he's already started to get a bit self conscious about it. He is in prime territory for speech problems - very premmie (26 weeks) institutionalised for a year, switched language at 12 months, language delay still at 3 and adopted. I think that may be a "bingo"!

Its OK Lilka I know what you meant - was just feeling a bit sad about it. He's probably forgotten already!

Lilka Wed 30-May-12 16:04:13

adoptionrulesok - I don't know. On the one hand, I am very positive about it, and I am definitely always happy to give people information if asked, irl and online. I do think adoption is fantastic for me - and fantastic for you as well of course smile On the other, I don't tend to promote it, as in I don't actively recommend it to people. Nor do I discourage it. I just talk about my experience and about adoption generally. It's not right for everyone.

Also, I'm very cautious irl in how much I say, as the person I'm talking to will know my children personally. I'm cautious online as well, but in a different way (for instance, irl I am happy to say which council I adopted through, but I don't say that online. Online I share more about my kids difficulties than I do irl)

So glad you are loving being a mum smile

Adoptionrulesok Wed 30-May-12 16:19:02

lilka I follow similar rules to you about the internet. I think I really offended one of my DS1's friends mums when I asked her to remove several photo's from facebook of my DS at her Ds's birthday party. Hey ho, you have to protect your own children.

With reference to the crowing on about it, I should probably clarify that like you, it dont recommend it to people, just tell them what a good experience it has been for us. Do you find that people ask questions that would never get asked if your adopted child was a birth child? e.g. "so how come they are with you then?" I sometimes feel like saying "well if you tell me the details of the conception of your DC, I will tell you the reasons my children are with me!!" Is that unreasonable? (disclaimer....have never actually said this to anyone!!).

Lilka Wed 30-May-12 17:04:29

Oh yes, I've been asked that many times!! I have often felt like saying that as well! But it would be a bit embarassing if they called your bluff "yeah, pretty sure DC was concieved on the kitchen table in the missionary position. So, about why your kids are with you?"... shock

But yes, definitely. Adopted children are public property, doncha know? hmm

It's worse when the grow up a bit, and they get asked the questions instead of me. I hate being asked, but rather ask me than ask my child! Having said that, DD2 is actually very good at fielding questions now, but it was hard when she was younger

I have had some real nasties though. "What did she do to get herself taken into care?" about DD1 shock sad was the worst.

I admit on that situation, I did go for the nasty sarcastic reply, which was something like "NOTHING! What did you do your brain and mouth to dare ask me that?!" Ugh

Adoptionrulesok Wed 30-May-12 17:46:22

OMG, someone actually said that!?!? What a knob!!!

I tell what else I get all the time...."how come you adopted, can't you have your own?" followed by sympathy face. This one I feel I definately can give TMI and sometimes go into very graphic details, just for shock value really smile

How did you help your DD to be able to answer questions herself? Just asking cos DS1 starts school in september and want him to be as prepared as he can be.

Kewcumber Wed 30-May-12 18:32:20

Someone recently said to me (not in front of DS) after discussing DS with them and his adoption (rarely discussed these days and it reminded me why) "so do you have any children?"


"Errmmm... just DS"

Of course I knew what they meant - do you have any real children

Lilka Wed 30-May-12 18:56:49

Kew shock Sadly, I am just not surprised. No insensitive comment surprises me any more sad

Yep, adoptionrulesok, that was exactly what they said! I know that was a prevalent attitude a good few decades ago, but the rest of the world has moved on since then...

DD was about 13/14 before she was confident enough to field questions. We went through all the usual questions at home, then went through answers and practised them a bit

DS is 7, and so far very few questions, but he has been upset when he was asked sad We have also been through a few of the likely questions and I've suggested answers. Also talked about privacy and his right to keep his story private

Lilka Wed 30-May-12 18:58:26

sorry - I meant "13/14 before she could field questions confidently" not "confident enough to feild questions"

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 31-May-12 21:15:58

I am getting fed up of the conversation with work colleagues along the lines of "I'm just back from adoption leave". "Oh, I didn't know your son was adopted". "No, he's not, our daughter is." "Oh, so why didn't you just have another one". <deep breath in, deep breath out>

The best I've come up with is "lots of reasons".

I know it's probably unfair to get riled by it, as most people don't think of adoption as something that people do in addition to having a birth child. In fact, most people don't know anything about adoption at all.

Hey ho

Kewcumber Thu 31-May-12 21:30:48

"Oh, so why didn't you just have another one" - the answer to that is "I did, thats why I'm just back from adoption leave" and look slightly puzzled.

Adoptionrulesok Fri 01-Jun-12 13:14:13

lol kew you always have good responses to peoples questions. I have stolen several already smile

HappySunflower Fri 01-Jun-12 19:28:46

I'm new at all this, and some of the comments people make astonish me but I generally don't respond straight away now as I find a few moments to think of a response is time well spent!

The best I've had is: 'Do they let single people adopt then? Wow! That's interesting-I really didn't think they would'.

Kewcumber Fri 01-Jun-12 22:45:28

My favorite response when my mum announced very proudly to a friend that I was adopting "how selfish"...!

Actually I quite like it, it beats "how marvelous you are" or worse "How brave"

Devora Sat 02-Jun-12 00:11:02

'How brave' is a particular bugbear of mine. It masquerades as a compliment, but what it's really saying is: "That child is going to be nothing but trouble, you mark my words".


FamiliesShareGerms Sat 02-Jun-12 22:01:35

Yes, we've been described as "brave"... No, not really, well, not more than any other parent. Greer

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 02-Jun-12 22:02:02

"Grrrr" I mean!

Lilka Sun 03-Jun-12 09:07:37

I've definitely got that one...even on MN once I think!!

Anyone doing anything nice in half term? smile Looking forward to it, or dreading it?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 03-Jun-12 13:32:10

Bit of both, Lilka. Nice weather = everrything so much easier during half term, not sure if we will get it, though

Adoptionrulesok Sun 03-Jun-12 16:32:03

We are going on our first proper holiday and I am stressing about what to take with us. They are just 3 and just 4 and have both expressed they want to take practically every toy they own. My eldest has said if Woody (toy story) can't come, he will be sad and him and Buzz (lightyear) with cry together at night!!

Please can everyone wish for nice weather for us?!?

Moomoomie Sun 03-Jun-12 16:55:15

Good luck with the holiday. Adoptionrules. I don't want to be a doom merchant, but be prepared for possibly disturbed nights or different behaviour.
I will always remember our first family holiday not only because it was when 9/11 happened but because of dd1 being quite unsettled.

We went to toysrus today. Dd3 bought a huge great soft bunny with her birthday money. She has called him vanilla ice cream cone. He will live very happily with the 306 soft toys she already has . grin

Devora Sun 03-Jun-12 22:50:56

We're not doing anything much. Looking forward to a jubilee party tomorrow with the neighbours. Our elderly next door neighbour today came and hung bunting across the front of my garden fence. It's original stuff he bought for the Coronation! I feel very vintage.

Kewcumber Mon 04-Jun-12 09:59:56

We went to Hampton court on Saturday - garden party. DS loved the Sooty show which also celebrates its 60th anniversay this year. Street party in the pouring rain yesterday and Twickenham fair today then off on hols tomorrow.

HappySunflower Tue 05-Jun-12 21:40:13

We've had a quiet weekend.
We are still in the phase of fairly limited contact with people so as to build positive attachment, but have had lots of fun playing at home and in the garden smile

Maryz Wed 06-Jun-12 11:32:42

Hi all, just checking in and marking place as dd is hanging over my shoulder wanting the computer.

I will be back.

And (big news) ...

ds1 has been offered a place in college in September shock grin. He will be going in after almost four years out of eduction. And all the other entrants are school-leavers, so he will be back with his peers, which means that we may just have come full circle.

Lilka Wed 06-Jun-12 11:48:08

Wow!!! grin grin

Maryz, what fantastic news! It's so lovely hearing that your DS life is really changing for the better. Congratulations to him from me!! And also to you - he couldn't do this without such great parents behind him smile

We have had a quiet weekend. DD is not revising again, but is otherwise behaving well. Actually, as many problems as she still has, I feel she is emotionally making progress all the time smile I am very happy about that. I just worry a lot about her future given her learning difficulties. What is there for someone like her, with next to no qualifications?

DS is just a delight. DD2 is teaching him to knit, and he is enjoying it! He has been doing very well in school with the support of his teacher (who is wonderful). He really loves reading (just like his mum)!

We are planning just a couple of days out later this week. Hopefully the weather will hold up! Hope Devora and family enjoyed the garden party

Devora Wed 06-Jun-12 21:20:49

Maryz, that is wonderful news. Light at the end of the tunnel! Many congratulations to your ds.

Lilka, thankyou, I DID enjoy the garden party - because I didn't go! I was feeling unwell - not hideous, but enough to enjoy luxuriating in bed with my kindle while the rest of the family went next door for fun and games. They had a LOVELY time. I painted union flags on their faces before they went, and they had a great time. dd1 even stayed overnight, in a tent in the neighbour's back garden with their little boy. They had a 'midnight' feast (9pm) and stroked a 'real black panther' (a cat). In the morning I looked out to see them both jumping up and down on the trampoline in their PJs and dressing gowns...

dd2, meanwhile, is suddenly very grown up. She is potty trained, and at pre-school, and learned how to climb out of her cotbed so I have now taken the sides down. Sadly, this has opened a dizzying vista of freedom for her, and getting her to stay in bed is just hell. dp is STILL up there now - 9.15pm, and supper congealing in the pan...

Oh, my favourite Jubilee story: dd1 came home from school with a photocopied picture of 'The Queen's Jubilee Knickers', over which they had all had to make their own design (dd had written 'Queen of England Yay' over the crotch). I laughed and said, "That's a bit rude". "It's VERY rude, Mum", she replied. "When the teacher told us we had to do it we all just stared at her like this shock." "What did your teacher say?" I asked. "She said, 'It's supposed to be fun!'. But we didn't think it was fun. We all stared at her like this [hmmm]"

Love love the idea of 30 solemn and disapproving mini-monarchists all staring down their irreverent teacher grin

Ellalouise2010 Tue 19-Jun-12 22:59:12

Hi I wanted to ask my child is in the process of being adopted not what I wanted for her but as I look at it now it for her safety and I am now In a new relationship is it wise to have another child as I don't want another one been taken away from me I am not the same person as when has my daughter as she was taken from me because her father was violent towards me

Maryz Tue 19-Jun-12 23:03:48

Hi Ellalouise, you sound as though you are in a difficult place right now sad.

I think any mother who can look at things as being the best thing for their child is very brave. Has your daughter been placed with her adoptive parents, or is she still in foster care?

I think you have done well to escape from a violent relationship. What is your new partner like? I have not been in the position you are (I am an adoptive parent), but I think you probably have to grieve the "loss" of your child and give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with what has happened to you.

Do you want to talk about it all? Sending a few supportive (((((hugs))))) your way smile

Kewcumber Wed 20-Jun-12 12:39:47

Ellalouise, I know there are other people on MN who have had a child adopted and gone on in different circumstances to have further children with no indication they would be taken into care. Like Maryz I'm not the ideal person to comment, not having been in your position but the only point I would make is that if your child is still in the process of being adopted then it must all be very raw for you and I expect relatively recent and I would be cautious about considering another child whilst you are still processing the grief you must be feeling.

You might get more responses setting up a new thread in adoptions which will attract those who have had children adopted whereas chat threads in adoption tend to be a magnet for adopters. I would like to think that we are an empathetic bunch and will give you the best advice we can but we are all limited by our personal experiences and you might find it more helpful to hear from those who have been in your position.

Moomoomie Thu 21-Jun-12 18:42:20

maryz and kew you are both so eloquent in all your posts and say all the things I would like to say but don't know how.
You have both been very helpful to many.

And, can I add to Moomoomie's sentiments, kind. You are both always kind and level-headed in your advice.

RAFdad Thu 30-May-13 21:49:54

Does anyone know of a number for the CSA that doesn't charge you the world per minute?? Thanks.

I think you are better starting a new thread to ask the question. This is an old thread RAFdad but you can start a new one with your question in the title and may get a better response.

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