Mumsnet Talk

Hi, I have thought about name-changing for this, but anyone who knows me, or searches my earlier posts, will recognise me so what is the point. I am having huge problems with my oldest son. To be honest, he absolutely hates me. He has a lot of problems, and blames most of them on the fact that he was "dumped" (i.e. placed for adoption). Whenever we have a row at the moment his final comment is always "why don't you just send me back, you know you want to".

We adopted ds1 when he was only 9 weeks old. Three years later we adopted dd (at 7 weeks) and less than a year later I discovered I was pregnant. I wasn't impressed by this - I was happy with 2 children, but everyone else seemed to think that this was the best thing ever, and that he was a miracle baby etc.

ds1 was always a challenging child - very interesting, great to do things with, but very active and caused a lot of problems in school. He was never a happy child - he minded about everything, and used to challenge teachers about everything. He was referred by the school to the child psychological services (after he had threatened to make a "potion" to kill himself) and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 9.

We worked a lot with him - I spent a lot of time explaining things to him, trying to allow him to "fit in". He was very sporty, and got on with other children as long as they agreed with him, and at the age of 12/13 he was a high-achieving member of his school. He asked to go to boarding school, because he was very good at a number of sports and wanted to do them at a certain school (he could have gone on to regional or national selection at at least 2 sports at one time).

He then discovered cannabis, and an obsession with health and sport became an obsession with drugs. He fell under the influence of some local older teens and started using most weekends. He was expelled from boarding, took drugs more and ended up expelled from school last March. He is more and more under the influence of these people and is now dealing (though he doesn't think he is dealing - he says he is just collecting money from his friends to buy dope for them). He is too young to get a job, too young for a training course, so has been at home since March.

I love him to bits, but I am getting to the end of my rope with him.

For those of you who have followed it this long, he says that the reason he is so unhappy is because of his relationship with me. He says I am not his mother - he was dumped by his mother and shouldn't be part of this family. He says that we are trying to turn him into us - he doesn't want to go to college, he doesn't see why our ambitions should become his, etc. etc.

We have no control over his behaviour, he comes and goes as he wishes, he is rude, he calls me "that thing" and "the bitch" when he is talking about me, even in my presence. He calls my younger son "your real child" and "the golden haired boy". He says we wish we never got him and we would have been happy with ds2 because he is "perfect". If we discipline him in any way he goes missing and sleeps rough, sometimes for days at a time.

I just don't know any more how to deal with this. The more I try, the more he resents me. I don't know where to turn next.

If his drug use continues I am going to have to throw him out for the sake of my younger children. We already have dealers calling and phoning, and I am scared to let them out of my sight. ds1 has been beaten up a couple of times and I am afraid the same will happen to my younger children.

Sorry that got so long, I just kind of stopped.

What age is he now? Sorry if you have said and I have missed it but cant see it anywhere.

Gosh, how awful. Sorry, I don't really know what to say to help, but didn't want you to go unanswered. What do SS say?

How old is he? I think you might have to ask him to leave maybe temporarily for the sake of your younger children. Is there a relative he could stay with temporarily?

He needs to be allowed to take responsibility for his own actions - let him decide what he wants but make it clear that abusing you is unacceptable. The feeling of abandonment is overwhelming in many adoptees and may manifest itself in different ways - without them even being aware of it being an issue.

Can you seek out any support from any post adoption services?

What's his relationship like with his father? Could he take the lead in dealing with him? It sounds like he's transferring his anger and resentment of his birth mother to you.

He is only 15. And I have asked social services to get involved but they won't. There are apparently 200 children in our area waiting to be assigned social workers. The only way they will get involved is if we refuse to pick him up from the police station the next time he is arrested, or if we write to them and abdicate our parental responsibilities. We are almost at that point.

Has he ever had any counselling? Would it be worth seeing your gp and requesting a referral to CAMHS?

Maryz... I feel so sad for you. I'm not sure what you can do unless he wants to be helped. As his mum who loves both him and his siblings that must be so hard for you though.
He obviously has very real emotions about the fact that he is adopted but the immediate issue is his drug taking... nothing can be worked through while his mind is not his own.
If you turn him in for help you may lose him... if you don't you may lose him, possibly in a worse way. If he gets clean, he may understand why you turned him in for dealing....
I don't envy you this decision and I hope you will continue to post for support.

How about Barnardo's? They may offer some support to you.

I would agree with chacha about the post adoption sevices. There has to be someone who can advise you about what to do.

I'm with everyone else-how old is he? If he's 14 he probably can't be tossed out of the house, but if he's 18 or so he can. Maybe you can just tell him that you love him very much but he needs to take responsibilty for his own actions now, and it's time for him to be on his own.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through- this has to be so hard. My brother was an awful child/young man. He would do many of the same things you're describing-disappear for days, etc. He wanted to move out for years and my parents let him when he was 16. It took a long time but it finally helped their relationship. He's 30 now and is finally getting his life together. I'm sure it's nothing you did or didn't do. Some people are just hardwired to make life harder for themselves than it has to be.

Yes, Barnardo's... they have a very good 'after care' scheme... it's got to be worth asking.

Oh, just saw that he's 15. Do you have any relatives that he gets along with well and could stay with for awhile?

Maryz - as he has been arrested in the past,is there no Youth Justice Service involvement?

Also, he may have been excluded from school but the local education authority have a duty to provide alternative educational provision. What have they put in place for him?

You should not be left alone to deal with this.

He has been to a series of counsillors, but hasn't really engaged with any. The first one was a school counsillor who basically sais we should back off and let him make his own decisions and said he would step up to the mark. The drug use escallated as soon as we relaxed the rules a litte. After he was expelled from school he went to a specific drug counsillor, but he is very persuasive and convincing, and they discharged him. They said he used a bit of dope, but it was under control (this after he has been expelled from school and arrested a couple of times!) We are in Ireland so trying to get referred anywhere is almost impossible.

The adoption agency he was adopted through just say "oh dear". The have no suggestions at all!

He get on better with dh than with me, probably because dh isn't so hands on. He goes off to work every day, I have to deal with ds1 24 hours a day, so I am the bad cop in this.

The anti-addiction services don't want to know unless he wants to give up.

Sometimes I just don't know whether maybe I did cause all this. When you have a difficult and unhappy child you spend all your life trying to anticipate problems and solve them. Maybe if I was more relaxed about everything he wouldn't be where he is.

I won't pretend to have any knowledge or experience here. I just wanted to say he is lucky to have you and will appreciate you plugging away at this, one day.
Teenagers are generally challenging and trying to find and understand themselves, and will throw anything they can in your face to hurt at the best of times.
If he wasn't adopted it would be something else, I doubt he doesn't love you but the things he's calling you and doing are unnacceptable, I feel for you.

It sounds like he is hurt by what he knows, is hurting the closest to him in reaction, and the drugs are probably a way to numb that pain.

Sounds so hard trying to do the best by all three of them, hope it works out for you.

unavailable, you would think the education system would get involved, but our truant officer equivalent just told me that I sounded like an "educated and concerned parent so he wouldn't get involved". He told dh that the only thing he could do was sue us for not sending ds to school - there was no point in instigating an investigation of any kind because it took about a year by which time ds would be 16.

I know this sounds like a bad soap opera, but it is true.

The police juvenile liaison officer has tried to help. He cannot do anything drastic until ds does something worse, i.e. is stopped for dealing as opposed to just possessing a small amount for personal use.

Maryz , please dont blame yourself. Many teenagers from loving homes have difficult transitions into adulthood.

I'm sorry I have no practical advice, as I dont know the Irish system.

I'm off to bed now, thanks for the input. It just makes me so tired and unhappy, as I just don't know where to turn.

Our last posts crossed Maryz. I'm sorry to hear that you have, in effect, been told the help wont kick in unless or until your son gets in to more serious trouble. As I said, I dont know the Irish system,so am pretty useless. As you are worried about his cannabis use,have a look at the FRANK website. It gives some good advice and information for young people and parents.

I agree with Lotster -one day he will appreciate the love and concern you are showing him.

I was your troubled son. As a teenager I behaved very much like him, it mostly sprung from feelings of emotional neglect and rejection. Is it likely that he is harbouring these feelings too? What happened at boarding school that precipitated his change of behaviour?

I would suggest that rather than getting him to go to counselling on his own, you arrange some family therapy. Change the focus from "you are the problem" to "lets work together to sort out the problems we have as a family" IYSWIM. He sounds like he feels quite alienated from your family unit, I'd encourage trying to build bridges.

Post-adoption services also sound like a good idea, as that is clearly an issue for him, and it can't do you any harm to look into what advice and services they can offer.

Post adoption services may sound like a good idea but the reality is that they are very patchy so its worth a try.

Also try contacting Family Futures www.familyfutures.co.uk/ I understand they have some good success with severe damaged families but I don;t know if they will work with families in Ireland.

The difficulty is if you let him move out he will see that (as I'm sure you know) as a rejection, but I absolutely agree that you need to protect your other two children.

My instinct (and I'm a long way from having to deal with teenagers so discount if you wish) is not to engage him in too much discussion but to treat him a little like you would a toddler in that situation eg

"I hate you" - "thats a shame I love you"
"you aren't my mother" - "I will always be your mother and I will always love you"
"you want to turn me into you" - "I want nothing except that I would like you to be happy"

"The police juvenile liaison officer has tried to help" - good, keep in touch with him, it will give you someone to talk to if nothing else.

Your relationship sounds like it has totally broken down - is there nothing he does that you like or enjoy or can praise? That may be a silly question because it does sound like a fairly impossible situation.

I think counselling etc will only help if its with someone who has experience in there kinds of behaviours post adoption because part of the problem is obviously his abandonment issues.

Yours posts make me want to give you a very non-Kewcumber like hug - I'm so glad you didn't name change.

So sorry to hear of your experience with your son. Adopt UK see website)have database
and can put you in touch with others who have had similar experiences and can offer support if not actual advice and suggestions of where to turn for help. Would second Kews comments about counselling with someone who has expereince of dealing with those with adoption related abandonment issues.
Would also second suggestion of CAMHS
Hope you find some appropriate help soon.

Also glad you didn't name change - we're a
(mostly!)supportive bunch on here - please feel you can come on whenever you feel the need. It's one of the places that adoptive parents can support each other or just sound off when things are difficult!

Maryz

From what I've read about adoption (and mine aren't teenagers yet either) your son has near classic symptoms of problems coming to terms with his abandonment/early traumas. Certainly don't blame yourself. I particularly remember some talk/book about adopted children being prone to drug use (self medicating basically).

As beemail and Kew have said, other adoptive families (particuarly Adoption uk where you read this kind of thing all the time) and therapy services targetted towards adoption issues will probably be the most likely place to start. At worst they can give you strategies to protect yourself and other children (physically and mentally), at best they might help your DS get to a point where he can accept people loving him.

It's so annoying to have to say "adoption issues" as if adopting caused the problem when of course what we mean is "issues-from-separation-and-abandonment-by-birth-family-that-left-no-alternative-but-adoption-issues ".

I am dreading the teenage years for my two. TBH it's like having a time bomb in the house.