Mumsnet Talk

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this question but I have always wondered why I was never adopted. I was abandoned at a few days old so never knew my birth parents and I was brought up in a series of foster homes and Childrens Homes but the question of adoption was never mentioned as far as I can remember. I have asked social workers a few times but they always acted shifty and a bit evasive, even the nice ones. I am 22 now but would still like to know the answer.

Can't you ask to see your records now you are an adult that would probably give you more understanding of why.

Do you know with a 100% that you were an abandoned baby?

I have seen the police report so yes I do know I was abandoned at a few days old. I know a bit about why some of the foster homes didn't work out, some my "fault" some not. But no clues about adoption that I have ever seen.

can't offer any advice I'm afraid but didn't want this to slip through x

I think the reality is if you weren't adopted whilst very young, sort of under 3 then your chances were very very low.

Could have been that you got shifted around far too much as a baby & toddler that you had "attachment issues" and once labelled you were even less attractive to potential adoptive parents?

Was it in this country MrsHiggins? (Only asking because I know there were some quirks in the law in other countries in the past which might have prevented adoption)

Don't be daft. How could any of those foster homes not work out because of your fault. You were a child. The system let you down not the other way round.

Did they ever trace your mother ? It maybe that there was a legal issue around her reliquishing responsibility. Sadly cargirl is correct and it is much harder to place children permanently as opposed to babies. Some long term foster carers do go on to adopt but it sounds as if none of the placements worked out. Can you ask to speak to a specially trained social worker or counsellor to discuss your feelings.

Some were my fault and I can accept that. I was "too quiet", "too clever", "too challenging" are three labels that come to mind. This was all in England (not Scotland where perhaps the system was/is different). I realise that I was unlucky but I do still wonder ....

Was there an imbalance between the number of babies available for adoption and the number of people willing to adopt 22 years ago? I know now that there are many more people who wish to adopt than babies, could it have been the other way round back then?

How can those things be your fault? As I said, you were a child with no-one. If you didn't have problems there would be more wrong imo. Please don't keep thinking like that. You were failed and blaming yourself lets them of the hook.

Granted however, you need to look forward and not back, but please don't let this view of yourself as having caused some of your unfortunate experiences colour your self-esteem or your future.

Well from my limited knowledge there would have had to be a court order or similar made that said you were available for adoption. If you had a poor social worker then perhaps that side wasn't sorted until you were an older toddler (because of you circumstances) and then you were less attractive to potential adopters because of your age?

The only way forward is to get hold of your records, I don't know how you do that but you do need to do it with professional emotional support.

There could have been a negative slant report on you (perhaps not even accurate) from one carer that made it more difficult. Perhaps your Mum did make contact when you were an older baby and then social services spent 12 months faffing decided if she could/couldn't have you and then you were "too old"

OMG, MrsHiggins, you were not at fault! How can a child be 'too quiet' or 'too clever'? As for 'too challenging', er, all children are challenging. That's part of learning about the world. You were just a child, it wasn't your responsibility to make anyone happy. They should have been trying to make you a home

You weren't/aren't "too" anything

You were a child with different aspects of personality like us all

I imagine any of us could be described as "too" this, that or the other but what children need is acceptance and love not people trying to change them to make them fit. Not your fault at all

I am sorry you still feel this sadness

Hiya,
Just wanted to say that Im your age, and its hard enough being a young adult let alone one with unanswered questions about your past. He is a big hug for you and wishing you all the luck for the future xx

I've googled and can't even find out how you go about getting access to your records!

this says you are entitled to see them

www.ico.gov.uk/upload/documents/library/data_protection/practical_application/subject_access_-_right _of_access_to_social_services_records.pdf

Gosh this has made me cry

I don't feel negative. I am going to be married in the New Year to a lovely man I met at university and my future MIL and FIL could not have been kinder to me. FIL is taking me down the aisle in the church. Over the last few years I have been shocked at the kindness people have shown me. Some of the real stars are coming to my wedding including my uni course tutor who made certain I got one decent meal a week without me ever realising it was charity rather than "doing the course review"! Who says scientists have no soul!

Please, please don't be sad for me. And double please, please don't let anything I say put you off fostering or adopting a child.

You should approach social services - they can tell you. A friend of mine read her's and they did help her but they also triggered alot of memories she had supressed - so if you have someone close that you trust, I'd recommend you take them with you when you read the files.

Oh MrsHiggins

I have been approved to adopt and am currently waiting to be matched. One of the little girls we have seen details of was abandoned at birth - they have no idea who her family is. She's not a good ethnic match for us so we won't be able to adopt her, but I can't stop thinking about her. In particular, hoping and wishing that her new parents will be able to help her make sense of her past, when they will not be able to give her any real information.

I can't believe your social workers haven't been more helpful to you in your quest for answers. I feel so sad for you. Have you tried the Post Adoption Centre?

Oops, just seen you don't want us to feel sad for you - too late!

Seriously, I'm so pleased to hear how well your life is turning out. That is a real testament to your strength and personal qualities.

And, I promise you, nothing you have said will put me off adopting a child

It wasnt your fault. If it was your fault then its the fault of thousands of children currently bouncing around the care system.

I agree that the intial reason was some sort of difficulty getting a freeing order for your adoption. Then it became likely that your age went against you (come on, how can that be your fault?)

Have you ever contacted NORCAP or After Adoption? I am sure they will be able to talk you through this and advise you on what to do next.

Good luck with the wedding and I really hope you find some answers.

*Mrs Higgins* There is a very, very good charity called After Adoption. They will give you a case worker who will give you practical and emotional support.
I am an adopter. I sometimes struggle with dd's behaviour due to attachment disorder. However I am acutely aware that it is not her fault and it is up to the adults in her life to help her recognise and manage her behaviour and emotions.
Never, never think that your situation was your fault.
What region are you in?