Adoptions & Smacking

[snailtrail]

Hi, I have a bit of a worry. My DB and SIL have decided to try to adopt, after years of TTC. They haven't acually formally started this yet, but I understand they will be screened/ interviewed etc as part of the process.

Years ago, we once had a conversation about smacking, which has stayed with me ever since, because it really upset me. My DH and I don't believe in smacking our kids, and never have done. My DB and SIL did not agree with this stance. They both feltthat there is a place for smacking, and used expressions like "showing the child who is boss" and "putting them in their place".

As I type this, I realise how awful it sounds, and you must understand that they are LOVELY people, would make wondeful parents, but are a bit old-fashioned (IMO) in this respect.

Does anyone know if they would be allowed to adopt if they were open about these views, when asked?

I am wondering if they may even have changed their views anyway in recent years (I have steered clear of the topic ever since).

Any advice, anyone?

[blametheparents]

I have not adopted a child myslef, but I have been interviewed by a social worker as a reference for a dear friend of mine that is adopting. I would say that the social worker would have taken a pretty dim view if I had said that my friends would smack the child, and cerainly would not have like phrases like 'showing the child who is boss'
I'm no expert atall, and I hope someone with more expereince may be able to offer their views.
Perhaps aswell their views ahve changed over time, we can all be quite headstrong when we are younger!

[PheasantPlucker]

For us, as adpotive parents, we had to agree never to smack our dcs. If their SW asks them the direct question about 'punishment' and smacking and they give the answer that they are for it I think at the very least they will be challenged and told to rethink their views. Or worst case scenario that won't be allowed on the training and prep.

It can be really hard (around here) to even get taken on to be trained as prospective adoptive parents, and smacking is a total no-no.

[Littlefish]

I think there was a case recently where a prospective family were refused adoption because they smacked their own child, even though the said they would never smack an adopted child. I might be remembering the facts wrongly though.

I'm pretty sure that your DB and SIL would not be allowed to adopt if they were open about their views. In my opinion, the fact that they they have talked about "showing the child who is boss" and "putting them in their place" would ring extreme alarm bells with me. The children/child they would adopt is likely to have come from a chaotic/abusive/disrupted or neglected background, may display defiant/manipulative/controlling behaviour and will need endless patience, consistency and love, not control.

As the conversation you had with them was some time ago, they may have changed their views though.

[PheasantPlucker]

PS I am not suggesting they lie at the interview, and then go on to smack children who might be placed with them if they are taken on as prospective adopters, are approved as adopters and then have a child placed with them. Just to be clear!

[snailtrail]

Thank you all so much for these very helpful replies.

If they were told that they are not allowed to smack, I am certain they would agree to this, and are definitely not the type of people to then go on and smack anyway.

In fact, this would be the best outcome as far as I am concerned.

I've always been really upset at the thought of them having children and then smacking them. None of my business, I know, but it's something I feel so strongly about.

[blithedance]

Well you might find their views changed a great deal once they had children and thought more about the issues/current attitudes. You are going on something said a long time ago. Years ago, pre-DC, I'd have said that occasional smacking was better than your child growing up an undisciplined brat. Now I'm a bit better informed and realise there are other options.

Being childless is a lonely place and they are not in the parenting circle so may well not really know what current attitudes are.

[hester]

I agree with the others: I cannot picture an out-and-proud smacker being approved for adoption. But I think there is every possibility that the process of applying to adopt may sway them. You have to go on a prep course where you spend a lot of time thinking about the experiences of adopted children. On my course, we explicitly considered how appropriate parenting techniques might vary for a birth child and an adopted child, who may have been physically or emotionally abused. I thought I was pretty sussed already, but this course really changed my understanding of what it might mean to parent an adopted child.