Adopting a child - how do you start? Implications of character refs? lifestyle changes?

[Simplysally]

I have a on-off bf who is thinking of applying to adopt a child and he asked me today if I'd consider being a character reference for him. He's 37, single and has no kids of his own.

I'm in two minds about this as firstly I'm not sure what it might entail to give this sort of ref (I said I'd think about it as he is currently on holiday abroad) and secondly I don't want to be assessed for adopting a child myself per se but I think that he is looking for a reconciliation with me. The other thing is that he lives in a one-bed flat and I've said already that he would need to do something about that before he gets a home visit from social services if it goes that far. He's also not keen to involve his parents in the process but I'm sure that they would have to have some kind of assessment too as they would be coming into some contact with any child.

It probably sounds as though I don't think he'll make a good Dad but I don't think that he's really thought through the implications or life-style changes. I'm sure I couldn't do it and I already have a child. I guess I'm a bit worried if I give a ref and he gets turned down, he'll blame me and if I refuse to give a ref and he gets turned down, it'll still be my fault! I know very little about adoptions but I'm sure it's a long process. Any advice welcomed.

[feedthegoat]

Can't help with anything other than the reference giving process itself. Dh and I are being character references for our friends who are adopting. Our friends put us forward as a reference in the first instance. It has been well over a year since process started and we got request for paper reference in October. This involved questions about how we knew them, what kind of contact we had, how we thought they were equipped for difficulties, observations on how they are with children and their relationship with each other. We had a face to face meeting with the Social Worker this week which lasted about an hour. It was more of the same and asked for any concerns we may have (which thankfully we don't!). She did stress that the entire thing is completely confidential and if we had of had any concerns social services would broach them with our friends as though they were their own.

I feel for you as it is difficult position to be in if you are unsure what to do. Thankfully we didn't feel that way. I have to admit it was nerve wracking and difficult as it feels as if there is so much riding on it but the lady was lovely. Hope this helps a little.

[Simplysally]

Ok that's put my mind at ease a bit re the reference (still pondering it though). I don't have any issues with the caring aspect but more the lifestyle changes he'd need to make.

Anything else would have to be a case of 'cross that bridge' I guess.

[FriarKewcumber]

you need to talk to him a lot more about his expectations eg what agechildis he expecting, what problmes does he think they might come with, how will his life change, before you are confident that you can be a referreeas tbh a half hearted referree will do more damage than if you said no to himup front.

SS will investigate thoroughly his living accomodation and how his lifestyle might have to change.

be careful though if you want to stay friends with him, I had a friend who asked me how I would cope with the change to having childrenand it sounded terribly condescending to me - how did you cope with the change that having childrne brought. If you struggled with it, thats a far better way to open the conversation that by implying somehow hat he will (more than anyone else) struggle.

There will be additioanl implications to adopting an lder child (my nderstanding is that most single male adopters get referredolder children).

[Simplysally]

I did mention that he might be offered an older child - he doesn't want to take a baby and also a child with SN.

I'm just wondering as he thinks that I baby my daughter too much when I put her to bed as we still do the bath/teeth/story routine together but he thinks that an 8yr should be able to do that for themselves. Unless an adopted child would be more resilient and prefer to do this themselves if they'd been in care?

I will definitely talk to him again about this - there might be a book he can read as well.

[blithedance]

Different people have different parenting styles, I wouldn't worry about details like your bathtime routine. The prep and approval process soon flushes out the starry eyed ones.

You can't really be prepared until you have the children. I'm sure people were looking at us thinking, look at you, two careers, nice holidays, you'll never cope - but then whyever not when you don't have dependents? Do you want him to stuff the proverbial fish finger into the DVD player and strew toys around his lounge to prove he can cope ?

If he is a kind, thoughtful person who can see things from another person's point of view and is resourceful and flexible in approaching life, best of luck to him. He will need his supportive friends like you.

[chegirl]

Just be honest. They are not looking for an expert on adoption. They are looking for a picture of what this guy is like. They will want to come and talk to you too.

It doesnt sound like he has too much of a clue about what adoption entails at the mo. Thats fine, not many people do before they start. As blithedance said, once he gets involved in the process he will pretty soon know if its NOT for him.

He wont get a baby. He is much more likely to be approved for a much older child. I am not sure if you meant he would or wouldnt consider a SN child. Any child he would be matched with would have SN in some form. All kids who have been in care have SN and the longer they have been in the system the more profound they are. I dont mean they have intellectual difficulties but they have all suffered trauma.

He will also be expected to get a fair bit of experience with children as part of the assessment.

I think the assesment process does tend to prepare you for the worst case scenerio so dont worry too much. His approval wont hang on what you put in your reference.

I wish him luck.

[cory]

The bathing routine thing does suggest that he is still a bit of an innocent in these matters. Either he will learn during the adoption process or he will get weeded out.