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I am 21 years old and have just found out that I have a disease of the uterus and will have to have a hysterectomy.
I am obviously devestated as I have only ever wanted to be a mummy.
After talking to my boyfriend we have agreed that we would like to adopt a baby.
The only problem is I have no idea baout how to go about this.
After searching the internet all I can find out is that babies are becoming hard to adopt, unless of course you are famous and then you cn have who ever you want!!!
If anyone can give me advice it would be greatly appreciated!!
Oh yeah I am from England, in case that makes a difference.
I know nothing about this, others will know far more, but have you got time to 'harvest' some of your eggs first? I hope so. I hope that the cancer isn't really aggressive. How completely awful. There are some mums on this board though, who are completely in love with and fulfilled by their beautiful adopted children.
So sorry that you are ill. Are you able to say what is the matter? I believe you will have to be restored to health before being considered for adoption. But I am no expert.
It is a condition called adenomiosis, which is where the tissue that lines the womb and sheds for a periods decides to grow within the uterus muscle wall, therefore it can not be removed in bits, the whole lot has to go.
They wont have to take my ovaries, so I would be able to harvest them, although I am not sure how I would feel to see another woman carrying my baby. Too much jealousy etc.
Have you had a second opinion? Are you in a lot of pain? Have you tried to get pregnant naturally? Have you talked to your consultant about having a baby?
It is like having the worst period of your life, but every day, without fail. It also causes severe back pain. This is due to the fact that even though this tissue is inside the muscle wall when it coes time to have a period it still wants to be shed and bleed but it has no where to go.
Another symptom is infertility. For some reason it makes the lining of your womb very "boggy" so even if an egg was fertilised it would not stick to the wall and I would just miscarry every time.
We have tried naturally but nothing, and IVF is not an option. It will be quite a relief to have a hysterectomy as I am in constant pain.
Hi Louise, so sorry to hear about your illness and infertility.
Me and my partner adopted our DD a year ago, and it's the most wonderful thing we've done, so I'd say start looking at what your options are.
I do think you might have to give yourself time to grieve for the birth children that you won't have first though, before you adopt. I know that for me, I really had a lot of sadness and anger I had to deal with, and adjusting to out lovely DD would have been so much harder if I hadn't got a really good grip on that 'baggage' before she came home.
Wishing you the very best of luck and happiness in the future.
It is very possible to adopt. There are certain conditions though. You must be over 21, you must not have criminal convictions for things related to children and violence (e.g. a caution for shoplifting 6 years ago might not be a problem, but a prison sentence for GBH probably would be). Some adoption agencies insist that if you are married, you must have been married a certain number of years before you apply, to ensure that the child will have a stable home life. It is possible to adopt as an unmarried couple but unless the law has changed recently (and I am not sure whether it has or not, it may have done!) only one of you may actually adopt the child, the other then has to gain PR through a slightly different court order. It's also possible to adopt as a single parent.
If you are adopting due to infertility then most places will insist you wait at least a year from your last infertility treatment. And they may want to see that you have had counselling or whatever to come to terms with infertility (adoption cures childlessness, but it doesn't cure infertility).
Assuming all that has happened, you can go to your local authority or a local independent adoption agency and ask to be assessed. The assessment process takes several months, and it will look in depth at just about every single aspect of your life! If you and your partner are both white, and if you are hoping to adopt a "healthy white baby" you may find it difficult to find someone willing to assess you. Not impossible, but many local authorities already have enough couples waiting to adopt such a child, so they will concentrate their recruitment efforts on finding families for harder to place children - children from ethnic minorities, sibling groups, older children and children with disabilities.
This is not intended in any way to put you off. It is possible to adopt, lots of us do, but it is difficult, and the whole process is extremely emotionally challenging - you need to be in a strong place mentally before you start.
"Some adoption agencies insist that if you are married" no agencies are allowed to insist you are married, it is the law that unmarreid couples are allowed to adopt. Yes both partner can now adopt the child, the law has changed on this.
Your biggest issue in my opinion at the moment will be your age. 21 is very young to adopt and you may (only may) get some resistance to starting so young form your social worker.
AS everyone has said, your social worker/ social services will want to see that you have fully come to terms with your inability to get pragnant and bear a child. The adoption process is long and draining and really it is best to deal with how you feel about the loss of a birth child way in advance of having to deal with pesky social workers!
I would advise you to try and get some counselling (maybe ask GP?) it shows willing and SW's love that and ask your local council about adoption information evenings. They will be honest about potential difficulties etc and give you more information.
Just to reassure you, being a celebrity in the Uk gives you no advantage in domestic adoption at all (read Dawn French's account of thier adoption!). All adoption stories you will have read are American and the process is significantly different there, celebrity or not.
Good advice from Kew. It would be better to give yourself time to digest all your medical issues and their repurcussions before you can recharge your batteries enough to deal with an adoption.
Sorry I thought you had cancer! I don't know why I assumed that. It sounds awful, no wonder an hysterectomy would (in some ways) be a relief.
Don'y worry Liffey when I don't my family there was a problem they thought cancer as well.
I have talked about counelling with my GP already, so I think I will need it.
As to my age, I know that I am young, but, it is such a lengthy process I thought I would be better off getting the ball rolling now.
Me and my BF are both white, however we would not be asking for a white baby. I just want to be a mum, no matter what colour the child or children. I'm not sure I could cope with a sick or disabled child, that may sound awful and I know that there are many children with disabilities that need homes but when you yearn for a child as much as I do I would really want someone healthy. The thought of having a child that could possibly have a life threatening problem, I could not bear.
My local council and local agencies are only interested in homing older children, is it going to be a massive wait for a child under 1?
I don't blame you. My dd has two lovely friends, adopted from China/Taiwan. Both beautiful, happy healthy, their adoptions both went smoothly no probs. Have read lots of dreadful things about babies from Russia whose mothers had alcohol problems, or worse. People want the baby to look like their own though, they don't want the whole world to know their business, and I can understand that. But I'd rather just be upfront and have a healthy baby.
you will need to get all the medical stuff sorted first and i think going for counselling after that would be great
after that you could then investigate what kind of children are available for adoption here and overseas and approach various agencies to see who would assess you both
I'm sure you will appreciate that ( thankfully) very few women these days give up their babies for adoption. So there is not much chance that you can adopt a baby under 1
Most toddlers and young children in the system have been taken away from parenst who have addiction and/or mental health problesm. So these children are at risk of disabilities because of this . These problesm don't always show up when the child is young. Its also difficult to distinguish between temporary and long term issues
so you see its not very likely that you will be able to adopt a healthy young baby. the nearest you can hope for will be a toddler who doesn't show many problems yet but will be at risk of developing them later
healthy babies of mixed heritage tend to go to families who match their background
its not really a waiting list system, as in if you stay on the list long enough you will get to the top. its more like job interviews. The person interviewing you doesn't care if this is your first interview or if you've had 500 and are really desperate. they only want the best person for their vacancy.
kewcumber is right that most SWs will prefer a married couple in their 30s to an unmarried couple in their 20s.they will be seen as more stable and will probably be better off financially. they won't refuse to assess you - its just you could keep losing out at matching panels.
i knwo a couple in their 20s who waited years to adopt a healthy baby and ended up adopting a baby with down's syndrome. They kept losing out because they didn't have a spare bedroom but the Council would only rehouse them after a child was placed
I am sorry I cant give you more encouraging news especially when you are facing such big medical issues. perhaps counselling will help you consider other options for building a family. After all, if you adopt another woman will be carrying your baby and MANY other women will be caring for him/her befroe you bring them home
If you and your bf are both white then you will not be able to adopt a non-white child (unless you are going for an overseas adoption). I can understand your worry about being able to cope with various types of disability, there were some things that DH and I knew we wouldn't be able to deal with, but there are virtually no children available for adoption who are without some kind of issue or uncertainty. It would be a long shot to be able to get a white baby under 1, there are so many prospective adopters out there who want that.
DH and I adopted after infertility, and I really understand the dark despair when you fear that you will never be a parent. But it really is better to take some time to grieve for what you've lost before you start down the adoption route. The adoption process is extremely emotionally wearing, and if you are fragile when you start then the process really would be awful for you.
I recommend a book that I found very helpful called Adopting after infertility. It made me cry a lot but helped me to focus on what I really wanted, and to get past the feeling of loss. It's written for the American market so any reference it makes the the actual adoption process will be different for the UK, but that's quite a minor part of the book anyway.
I know that you don't think you would be able to deal with surrogacy, but once you've had time deal with not being able to be pregnant with your child yourself perhaps you might be able to reconsider it. There is a lot to be said for knowing the family medical history of a child, and that the birth mother had ante-natal care and didn't take any harmful substances during pregnancy. If you adopt you won't be able to be sure of either of these things. But that's a decision for the future anyway.
It is possible to adopt a sibling group which can sometimes mean younger children or with fewer obvious issues. You don't have a rush, I would take a few years to get settled in your home and relationship (as you might if trying to conceive naturally) and then contact your local authority.
I didn't mean that Kew. I said that, IF you are married, some agencies will insist that the marriage has existed for a certain amount of time, i.e. you weren't just married last week
Sorry to hear about your fertility problems. I was older than you when we first applied to adopt but were met with huge prejudice from the adoption agencies as we were not yet 30. This is despite having been married a fair while and having a large family home, financially secure etc. We also have lots of experience with children. After 3 long stressful attempts (no actual refusals but they constantly placed children elsewhere rather than with us) we have put it on hold and are currently fostering instead. I hope you have more success than we did! Perhaps they just didn't like me !
I'd like to add my commiserations on your situation. Adoption UK might be a good place to ask questions - it also means that they can advise on different agencies, not just social services.
Good luck - it's a long, hard struggle but it's worth it. Also hope the surgery etc goes well.
So sorry to hear about your situation. I had to have a full hysterectomy 2 years ago & was left devasted as all my partner & I wanted was a family of our own. Last year we adopted our baby daughter who was 8 months old when we brought her home. The Adoption process took 16 months from start to finish & its the best thing we have done. If you are considering Adoption then call social services & ask to speak to a member of the Adoption team. Many people who are not familiar with the Adoption process think all Childre/Babies awaiting Adoption have been born to drug addicts or have been neglected or abused. Sadly this is true in some cases but not all of them, children awaiting for Adopters to come forward are in foster care for many reasons. Our daughter is prefect in every way & anyone who says it's impossible to feel the same amount of love for a child who is Adopted & a child who is your own birth child I can assure you this is not the case at all. My partner & I love our little girl more than life itself. Good Luck in whatever you decide to do A very happy Mummy xx
I adopted a white pefect healthy baby aged 7.5 months, after being approved we only waited 9 weeks. My partner & I are in our early 40:S . iT'S not true that all babies under 1 year have been born to parents with mental heatlth issues or have drug related problems. We made friennds withe several couples on our pre assesment training course that we had to attend before we put our formal application to begin the adoption process & we were all matched with perfectly healthy babies with no issues whatsoever. Don't give up on your dream. Good Luck Bev x
Bev - many congratulations on your new son/daughter. Can I ask which agency you used, as there are a lot of Mumsnetters who would be interested? I would also love to know how your agency has been so successful in obtaining so much information about birth families?
I am just asking in general terms - I am not asking you about your own child's background as I appreciate that is confidential.
Thanks for your welcome . I am still getting the hang of this thread business !!!. We went through social services & we live in Yorkshire. Do you have any children ??. We were given the full background of our Daughters birth family, we felt that we were fully informed with all the relevant information before we decided that our daughter was 100% the right child for us. I understand that in different parts of the UK babies/toddlers are not readily available for Adoption & it would appear that couples are often waiting for months/years before being matched with a child. We tried for 8 years to have children & the emotional strain & the heartache was very difficult.When I kiss my daughter goodnight as I put her in her cot I still cannot believe how lucky I feel & the love I have for her is like nothing else that I have ever experienced. Keep in touch Bev xx
bev - its wonderful to hear that your adoption experince has been so positive so far.no wonder you are over the moon with your lovely daughter
I'm very interested to hear that Yorkshire has so many white healthy babies availabel for adoption...there seems to be such a shortage in the south east that prospective adopters can't even find an agency willing to assess them.
This will be food for thought for many. Especially those whose work situation would allow them to move house
Kristina - anotehr ICA adopter (Russia) was assessed by one of the YOrkshire areas for a seond child lcoally - said they would have no problem matching them with a child under two. I have no idea how they're getting on.
I would but for the fact that its not stuffed with Kazakhs and he has a lot of asian/oriental/Brtsh mixed race friends that look a bit like him. I'd strongly resist the idea of a sibling that was white!
Kew, I wouldn't give up on Yorkshire as a whole, in Leeds where I come from there are kids from lots of different backgrounds (and mixtures of those). West Yorkshire is a lot more diverse than North Yorkshire, as well as more affordable. Now probably isn't the best time to change jobs though, but there are lots of financial employers in Leeds. Don't know about South Yorkshire.
Bran is incorrect when she says that white couples can only adopt white children. Although SWs tend to look for couples of the same race first, there are lots of children placed in the UK recently with families of different races. We investigated this and were told it was possible, one situation that was likely was where for example siblings had fathers of different races.
Mixed race or black couples are fairly unlikely to consider a fully white child, even if they "come with" a mixed race sibling, and this was seen as a definite possibility for us.
