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I had a baby when I was 14. I never even considered keeping the baby and wanted him to go to a "proper" family rather than stay with a single teenage mum.
I was in the USA and my parents organised a private adoption. My mother knew the couple through work and assured me they were great. At the time I wrote the baby a letter about why I could not keep him and it was agreed I would get photos and updates once a year. It was also agreed my identity would not be revealed until he was 18.
The photos and updates have been lovely and have assured me that I made the right decision. I have never wanted more contact or regretted anything.
He is now 16 and I have just heard that he knows my identity and wants to get in contact. I am feeling very guilty because I don't want contact. I know his life is happy, I know my life is happy. I can only see heartache for both of us if we try and change how things are.
Am I terrible for feeling this way? Is it cruel to simply write to him and explain I have always wanted the best for him and wish him nothing but happiness but I know that happiness will not come through us meeting?
I think, but have no personal experience, that finding out about your roots is very important, especially for children that grew up without their biological roots....so, I think you should let your child contact you...tbh...in a way you owe your child that much... but just my opinion...
Difficult one. I'm adopted and would feel devastated to get a reply like that if I chose to find my birth mother. It would feel like being rejected again.
Why are you so against meeting him? Does your present partner/children know about him?
Personally if I were in your shoes I think I would regret it if I never met him. I also would worry about how he would feel to hear that his birth mother doesn't want to meet him. (but of course that is how I think I would feel....only you know what you want)
Could you maybe communicate by letter for a while and see how things develop?
I'm so pleased to hear that things have worked out so well for both you and your bio son. i can understand why you are reluctant to meet him and upset teh apple cart. i dont think you shoudl feel guilty for not wanting to meet him now. Nor do i think you shoudl feel bad about placing him for adoption - you were only a child yourself and not in any position to question what your family arranged.
however i do feel that it woudl be cruel to refuse to have any contact now. i really do agree that you own him at least soem information about teh circumstances of his birth and his family backgroud.
Are you living in teh Uk now? If so i strongly suggest that you get in touch with NORCAP or a similar agency and seek soem counselling and perhaps use an intermediary to help you though this process. It wont be easy but i think you will always regret it if you refuse to have anything to do with him
I totally understand what you mean. Is there a way that you could arrange to meet his Family - therefore totally acknowledging the adoptive parents as his parents.
I personally feel that you should have direct contact with him. good luck!
I have no experience of this but I can see where your coming from on this it just makes sense to me. If it was me I think I'd want to meet him just to give him the answers he needs and see how it goes from there.
It must be so daunting for you both but please make sure the decision you make is based on your feelings no on else's eg family etc only you can know for sure.
As for are you terrible to think the way you are no you are not. You done what you felt was right at the time and that's what your trying to do again but just consider it there isn't really a wrong answer to this is there? It depends on your individual circumstances.
You don't know why he wants to meet you, he may well also be happy with how things are, just wants to find out who you are, has no wish to change things - I suppose you could just say you'd still rather wait until he is 18, but now the cat is out of the bag I agree with other posters that if you refuse to meet him now it will be very hurtful for him...
DH knows but he is the only person in my life who does know. My parents have since died and after the pregnancy I changed school and never told anyone, or at least nobody I have kept in touch with.
I am not sure why I am so against meeting him but it is a very strong gut feeling. Its strength is a shock to me. I knew I did not long to meet him but I never knew I would be so horrified by the thought.
After the pregnancy I threw myself into school, then university and then my career. I made myself into a totally differnt person and hardly thought about what happened. Even when I got pregnant I never compared it to my previous experience. When I first held my DC I never compared them.
For me, and for him, I had to move on and that is what I have done. He does have lots of information about the circumstances of his birth because they were in the letter I wrote at his birth.
I don't understand why his parents have told him about me two years ahead of when we agreed. I really do not want to hurt him or add to any feelings of rejection but I just do not feel right about this. I can cope with the idea of letters but anything more seems impossible: e-mails, calls, meeting.
hm...I think it might actually be healthy for you, because by the sounds of it you never gave yourself time for emotions and you worked hard to avoud them....
As for why they've told him early, I have a 15-year-old & he can be incredibly persistent about getting what he wants; probably this boy is the same & drove them into the ground so I wouldn't be angry with them I don't think...
I don't know, newname. I've no experience of adoption, so all I can see is that he is the child here and you are the adult and therefore you should put his needs first and not yours. And I'm not sure that is helpful to you.
his parents have told him becasue they feel it is best for him. Anythign they agreed with you 16 years ago is way outranked now in their minds by the needs of their son.
Obviously you don;t have to meet him. No-one can make you. But he had no choice about what happened to him - you and his parents did and you took those choices for him as best you all could at the time. Perhaps he feels its time for him to have a few choices now/
He may not want anthing form you other than to satisfy a curiousity, to see the flesh and blood that created him. If you cannot deal with that then sadly he will have to deal with that. However at the very least I would consider odering whatever you can to start with - emial contact letter contact phone contact etc and take things very slowly. You may in fact find that he "needs" very litle from you other than to look you in the eye and know who you are.
Are you grounded enough to be able to offer that? I suspect you won't know until you try.
I got an e-mail from his Dad who has always had my contact details for the photos and updates. He simply said that his son had asked to be told about me so they had obliged. He son read my letter and was happy to have it but would like to "get to know me a little". The adoptive parents are happy for this to happen but will not give my contact details without my permission.
I know it sounds bad but I really, really do not what to get to know him a little. I know he is happy, successful, popular and healthy. That is all I ever wanted for him. I doubt I could give him the reaction he would need if we were to meet and might that not hurt him more than limiting contact to a long and friendly letter?
Yes I am the adult here. But I was the child. I was younger than he is now when I had him. (I know that is an immature point, and probably irrelevent, but it what I feel).
I wonder if the strength of your feeling against meeting is a symptom of how much you have buried the experience?
i think letters sound a really good idea.
Of course it's a huge shock to you to be asked for contact now and there's no reason you should feel ready. However to be rejected for him would be damaging I would think. I think it would be a great compromise to suggest getting to know each other well by letter first; if you do go on to meet i'm sure the meeting will be all the easier for having gone this way first.
what reaction do you assume he needs? By the sounds of it he has very sensible and caring parents- I doubt in his case (supposition of course) that he is looking for another mother.
erm, soory newname, but your last post annoyed me...this is not about you it is about the child you created...sorryt you owe that child that much...what are you so scared off?
You post is very helpful Kew (as are all the others). I am going to have to do this aren't I? I am going to have to do it because I do not want to have any guilt about this situation. I have had none before because I know I did what was best for him: I continued with the pregnancy, I found him a family who could give him everything, I wrote him a letter to take through like, I monitored his life through yearly updates... I need to protect the knowledge that I have done my very best.
I think it would be fair and reasonable for you to write to him at this point that you have been taken by surprise, you were not expecting this to happen until he was 18, & you are really not ready to deal with it now so please give you some time to come to terms with it.
You must be feeling right now exactly like the 14-year-old who gave the baby up - younger than he is now, as you say. So asking for some breathing space is fine.
However you seem to think that by even meeting him you are going to have to pretned to some emotion that you think he might want to you feel.
It is perfectly reaosnable for you totell him the ruth. That you were a child yourself, that you were scared that you could only look afetr yourself and that you did what you hoped was the very best for him.
You don;t need to pretend that you were pining in a garret desparate to see him for the last 16 years - though obviously a degree of tact and delightful surprise that he has done so well would be nice for him of course.
I suspect you got very littel counselling at the time and have dealt with this by disociating yourself emtionally from it. I think you will find any face to face cotact difficult and would advise you take take each ste slowly and possibly ge some counselling.
But please don't pretend to him, just be honest and kind and if his parents are half the people you think they are, then they will do the rest.
newname-I think you are going to have to do it! Don't see the point in putting it off. He is just curious, wants to see your face, hear your voice. I think it will be worth making the effort, for both of you
I think you need to consider him first and formost. Yes you had yearly updates, but all he has is one letter written 16 years ago. My DH is searching for his dad but looks like it will never happen for us. He doesnt want a relationship but just wants to know more about his roots, if he has brothers and sisters ect. Your posts have upset me a little but only in the fact that they sound selfish and very much about you and your feelings, instead of your sons. I know that sounds harsh but think it needs to be said. Hope it works out for you. How does your DH feel about this?
newname321, I really feel for you. This is very hard. You didn't really have a choice when you were 14 did you? It sounds as though you were not allowed any choice and decisions were made for you?
No wonder you have buried those feelings deep inside.
sorry nwname...I really am...but am thinking through this from the childs percepective...( working with youngters in thia aituatin)....and it really is not fair on the child...and I really think you have not worked through it, but by your posts you seem to have avoided to face up to it...which is a natural thing to do...I am not condemning you, I jsut still think you should give your child, our flesh and blood, the satisfaction , no matter how difficult it is, or at lleat not stum it at this time
Recently I have been doing a lot of research into the family tree. I came across a record of someone in the family that I was unable to match up. Then out of the blue recently she contacted me (having seen the family tree I posted on a genealogy website).
It turns out she was adopted as a baby, and has always known that to be the case. As an adult she has tried to contact her birth parents. She has successfully contacted her birth father, and still has regular contact with him. Her birth mother (who is related to me, but whom I don't actually know) has so far refused any contact.
This means I am the first person in her birth mother's family she has had any contact with (this is just e-mail contact). I think the way she feels is that she would very much like to have contact with her birth mother, even if it was just one meeting etc. But the refusal to have any contact at all feels quite like a rejection. She does understand that her birth mother may have "moved on", but I think in some ways she needs the contact in order to "move on" to the same extent herself. I don't know whether this makes sense.
Maybe you should discuss what to say/how to say it with his dad (adoptive dad) a bit further before you respond. I think writing to him when you're ready and maintaining contact but waiting a while before you commit to a face to face meeting sounds like a good plan. But whatever you decide, good luck, it sounds like a hard situation for you.
newname - do you think its because if you don't meet him you can pretend that its never happened? Are you worried that meeting him will suddenly make it all real? That seeing him will confirm and make real what you've maybe been trying to block out of your mind for 16yrs?
(I've just read that back to myself -I'm not having a go, I hope it doesn't come across as that -I'm just trying to imagine what might be going on in your mind)
Unless you have been in this situation no one is really in place to judge.
Yes we can all stand by and say ooh no you should definately see him because bla de bla.
But do we know anything about it really unless I've missed something we don't.
Perhaps OP is worried it could tear her family apart and could ultimately end in his life being affected too, those of you who are just being spiteful have you not thought that perhaps OP is looking out for her son and is scared that maybe she isnt what he expected or that maybe she doesnt feel the love she should towards him.
Im not saying thats how she feels but thats what I get from it and that why Im in no place to judge, Ive nbever been in this situation so dont know how Id react. Just think before you speak please I think this is probably as difficult as it is without an angry mob blasting her.
WW gives good advice: ask for a little space and time rather than slamming the doors shut. You did do what you thought was best for him and it sounds like it's worked out very well.
FWIW I was adopted as a baby and have never tried to trace my bioparents - partly because I have always thought the reaction might be a little like yours and I don't want to cause that much upheaval (though every now and again I resolve to try, then bail out...)
Speaking as an adopted person, I think the reaction to newname has been quite extreme in some cases - if she doesn't want to have any contact then that is her right, is it not?
tbh - whatever newname syas i suspect newname knows that he deserves to meet her even if only once. She is just struggling to some to terms with the unexpectgedness f it. You sound like a decent but shocked woman who did her best the. there's no reason to beleive that you will do anything but your best now.
If they had waited until he was 18 he would most likely have been able tosearch on his own and could potentially have turned up on your doorstep one day with no warning. At this way you can have time to think and plan.
newlife - you are completely right. you do feel now exactly as you did when you were 14. because you have never really talked about it and worked things through you are stuck with how you felt all these years ago.
when you were 14 i suspect your parenst told you what to do and i woudl guess that now you feel all these strangers on munmsnet are telling you what to do !
of course you don't want to meet him. you must feel that the 14 yo who gave birth to him is another person . or like its a film you watched or book you read. how can you go back and be that person again?
please, take time & space to think about this befroe making any decisions. you really REALLY need to get some counselling. How you are feeling and thinking now is totally normal and understandable. you just need a bit of help to work things through befroe making any major decsions about this
how woudl you feel about sending a holding response, as soemone suggested?
OK. Thank you to all but one of you. I am now going to have a proper conversation about it all with DH and I will also consider counselling. I am pregnant at the moment and I think the hormones are making it hard to think straight.
Any meet-up would take a while anyway given there is the small matter of the Atlantic Ocean between us.
Agree with expat that going through a counsellor would be wise. My relative did this (she used NORCAP who were very helpful) when she contacted her birth father.
I think one of the things she has found is that being adopted makes you in some ways more aware and curious about your roots than if you had always lived with your birth parents. When she got in touch with me, she had already done quite a lot of research herself about our family.
I would say, take it slowly, use counselling, but don't refuse contact out of hand.
I agree Kew is making a lot of sense, it sounds like she has experience in this area.
I think that baby steps are needed here and you really need counselling, particularly if you didn't have any at the time. Please don't say no outright, do you think you could try letters and see how it goes?
[sorry for minor hijack] Kew, your DS is gorgeous! I love the 'Boden pic' on your profile, he's stunning!
good luck with the pregnancy newname, I'm sure thats complicating everything for you. There no tearing hurry to make any instant decisions and as you say the practicality of the situation would slow it down anyway so you do have time to mull things over.
I'm hugely grateful that my son's birth mother took the decision to give birth to him and to go to a hospital when she went into labour at 26 weeks which without a doubt saved his very precious life. Even if she never wanted to lay eyes on him again, she has my undying gratitude for that alone.
I rally wish you all the best - and of course him and his parents too!
Newname, I would take your time over this and start off with letter contact when you are able. That was a very traumatic ordeal to go through at the age of 14 and I would seek counselling to speak to someone about all your concerns. Why don't you phone the national adpotion line and ask for advice? Good Luck.
seeing he is so far away could you maybe have letter contact first, might help both of you. He sounds like he has wonderful people bring him up, and you have your own family, but hope it works for you.
What a complicated and difficult situation for you newname. You were SO young. I suspect that if you contact your adopted son and just remind him that you were 2 years younger than he is now that he will step back a bit in shock. From what you have said I also think that you have not really dealt with what you went through.
I do not have any direct experience other than that my DH is adopted. Is totally uninterested in contacting his bio mother. He feels it would be disloyal to his adoptive parents - interestingly enough both are dead now.
I have a friend who is adopted also and by the time she traced her birth mother it was too late - she had died 6 months earlier. Coincidently she herself had a child at 16 and had him adopted. She went on to marry and have 4 DCs. Her DH has always known about her past. Her adopted son tracked her down and they met a few times. He wanted nothing but to put a face to the mystery. They have met frequently and get on well. But he has his life and she has hers.
I think you shouldn't rush into anything. You have a lot of thinking to do. You have my huge sympathies. You have obv buried your past quite deeply. And why not? You were just a child.
Personally I think that it would be a good idea to start contact. Take it slowly and see where it leads. As someone said earlier I think you are in denial. The fact that very few people in your life know about him tells me that you have strong emotions still to deal with in this matter and counselling may be a good idea.
Ok after having said that I must point out that I am one of those that knows what I am talking about. 20 years ago I gave up a boy for adoption when I was 15. I have never kept it from anyone, well close friends and all my relationships have known from very early on. My dss(14) knows about him as will my ds(4) when he gets to the age thathe will understand. I am proud of the fact I have given life to a beautiful boy, well a man now! I had contact with his parents all through his childhood and I was always known as "nzshar" his birthmum. We did lose contact when I moved over here for a few years as he approached teenage years and I was in my selfish 20's. When I was pregnant with ds I thought it only fair to let him know he was to have another blood relative so we made contact again. He emailed me a few times but thats it. I leave it up to him know and if there ever is a time he wants to meet up I will be here and will have to answer some very difficult questions for him and me but it will be nessercery.
Suppose what I trying to say is that all those years ago I knew in my head and in my heart that the contact day would come and prepared for it. It sounds like thats what you need to do. Either that or hold guilt, as you have already inferred you would.
Please consider meeting him even if you don't want to. Let it be one more loving, unselfish gesture you do for him (just like you did by giving him up for adoption). I honestly think you shouldn't deny him that. Good luck x
Hello I have two birth children and one adopted child. My adopted daughter is only 3 and her birth mother feels unable to have contact with her, which saddens me. We talk about her and she is an unseen part of our lives even though DD does not fully understand her significance.
I feel very very strongly that it is a wonderful thing that your son wants to meet you. It sounds like he is brave, mature, curious and it would be a shame to turn him down. You can go slowly, with letters and counselling, but I believe it would be a good thing for both of you. You are intertwined even though you have not met since he was a baby.
i really do hope you get to meet him i really do its not his fault or yours, things like this must be so hard please for your and his sake meet him when the time is right ! if you don;t i think you will think about it all the time and it will affect him big time i,m sure tc
Janni - would having contact with her birth mother not confuse things though? i have never heard of an adopted child having contact with their birth parents during their childhood - only once they reached 16/18.
Good luck, newname321, I think you've had some excellent advice on taking things gradually and I agree that for lots of reasons, you should let your 16 year old son meet you eventually.
Do you already have children? (as well as being pregnant). Sorry if you have mentioned this.
Are you worried that in some way, meeting this 16 year old son of yours will affect your relationship with your other children? Are you on trying to protect your other children from this perceived upheaval to their lives? Do you think your protective instinct is adding to your uncertaintly over the meeting?
Personally I think that if you choose to go through with a pregnancy and give birth to a child, then you have a life-long responsibility towards that child. Now if taking responsibility means that you give that child up to a life which you know that you cannot provide, that is of course fine, but I still think you should be answerable to that child, and that child should have the right to contact their birth parent in order to establish where they have come from. The child had no choice in the matter. He had no choice about being born, about being adopted, but he should have the choice about whether he wants to find out where he has come from.
You’ve had yearly updates, what has he had?
Tbh it sounds as if your son has had a great upbringing from parents who have clearly been honest with him from the outset. And who have also taken your own feelings into account by writing to you and telling you he wants contact with you. As this is a private adoption, there is nothing stopping his adoptive parents giving him your details and leaving it up to him to contact you himself.
There is no rule that says you have to have an overwhelming maternal instinct towards this child. You were only a child yourself when you had him, and it is therefore understandable that you might not feel about him the same way you feel about your own children. But this isn’t just about you. He is older now than you were then, and he has a right to know where he came from.
And I’m sorry to say this but this is also about your other children. They have a brother, and they have a right to know. Maybe not now while they are young, but when they get older they have a right to form a relationship with their sibling, if they all want that. And given that your son has your details now, he may well find his siblings in the future, and it will do far more damage if they find out elsewhere that they have a brother, than if you tell them and allow them to make the decision for themselves when they are old enough to comprehend.
wholeheartly agree with wannabe be honest with everyone and you new children as if you don,t it.ll come back in the future and will cause alot of upset please meet him and let him meet his family
Nappyaddict - it is standard procedure now in what they call 'open adoptions' that if it is deemed to be in the best interests of the child to have contact with one or both birth parents and/or members of the extended birth family, then it can happen. It is closely managed by post-adoption social workers, perhaps once or twice a year for a specified amount of time and always supervised. In between times there might be an exchange of letters/photos, also at prearranged times.
You have to remember that many many of the children adopted in this country will have quite strong memories of their birth parents and that although birth parents may not have the ability to raise their children, they can still love them and want the best for them. It can also help birth parents move on and make more of a success of their subsequent lives if they can see that their child/ren is thriving and has not forgotten them. My DD has so far had one direct contact with her birth father since she was adopted last year and it was very successful.
It might be easier for adoptive parents to cope with this if they already have birth children, I don't know. I know I was very surprised when I heard about it during our preparation course, but now it seems fine to me. Birth parents do not disappear just because the child does not see them and if some contact is possible, it enables the child to get a more complete picture of who they are and where they come from.
We also keep contact with our daughter's foster family, whom she adores and who adore her, so life can get a bit busy sometimes!!
FairladyRantalot makes a good point about looking at it all from his perspective.....the fact of the matter is that he never asked for any of this..... none of this is his fault.
Wannabe also makes a very good point about him knowing about the children you have now and vice versa.
I got pg when I was 14, and ds1 was born when I was 15.
I was obviously in a different situation to yours, but I went on to marry my dh and have 4 more dc.
Of course the circumstances around ds's birth made things very difficult, and I felt very differently through out that pg, than the subsequent ones.
I cannot imagine how much more difficult things would have been had I chosen to give him away
I guess the upshot of what I am trying to say is that , harsh as you may think I am, you cannot let him down. It is the only thing he has asked of you. I think you owe him that at least.
Ok. I am back, because it helped to get it all out last night and because I mostly received very good advice.
DH and I stayed up half the night talking. It was brilliant, he was so thoughtful and helpful. He has known about what happened for years but I have never talked about it in so much depth.
What I realised while we talked is that I am scared of making my son(!?) unhappy. This is based on two things. One is that I always wanted him to have a "normal" life and "normal" doesn't include having to face this stuff. But this stuff exists, he knows about it, so there is nothing I can do to stop him having to face it.
The second reason I am worried about hurting him is that I know he will ask about his biological father. The truth is hard for me to admit because I am ashamed of it. His dad was 32 when he got me (aged 14) pregnant. He was a charasmatic, handsome, nomadic eccentric and I fell for him hook, line and sinker. When I think how stupid and naive I was I shudder and I don't want my son (I need a better word, he is the son of the great couple who raised him, what should I refer to gim as???) to think badly of me when they know the truth. I also am scared he will try and contact his bio Dad if I give him details and the man should be avoided at all costs.
The other reason I am reluctant to have contact now is that I have a toddler and I am pregnant and I want to give my current family my all. I am scared of PND etc if I am dealing with this while getting used to a newborn. But while I still beleive my family come first that should not mean I can disregard everyone else.
So to conclude I have realised that I should respond to the contact positively. I have e-mailed his Dad and said I am happy to receive an e-mail. My first thought was to attach a letter and current photos but DH persuaded me to let him make the first contact and govern how much info he gets. I think DH is right. We will see when his e-mail arrives.
Newname, I did see this thread yesterday, but didn't know what to write, so left it.
I think you are right to be cautious, and you obviously do have lots of issues. I would highly recommend getting some expert help through an intermediary service - NORCAP are great. In the UK this sort of contact is more normally closely controlled by SS or counsellors and the like; it can result on very hurt people on both sides if it's not handled well.
As Expat mentioned I gave up a baby for adoption 19 yrs ago, but unlike you my lifetime dream is that he would choose to make contact with me, so in some ways I don't have so much in common with you.
It's not quite the same but my boys are adopted, and at the time of placement I was keen to meet the birth parents. It was really important to me to just see the whites of their eyes so to speak, to get the slightest impression of the sort of people they were, get a feeling for the DS's background and roots. We didn't talk about anything of consequence, it was a very brief one off meeting with social workers present.
I don't mind if I never meet the BP's again but that short meeting made all the difference, like a missing piece of the jigsaw. His birth family are a part of him and nobody can take away that connection, even if we acknowledge it's part of his past rather than his present. I believe to be a whole person he'll need to come to terms with that.
Well, not quite the same but I hope it all works out OK and the counsellors can help you through it.
newname. I've changed my name for this. Your story strikes a cord with me. I will tell you my story and you can take it or leave it - I am not in your circumstances.
When I was 16 I became pregnant in circumstances I do not with to discuss here they are irrelevent. It was always my intention from the very beginning to have my baby adopted. Sadly my beautiul little girl was still born at 38 weeks. Like you I threw myself into my work - first A Levels, then escaping to university (wher I had a breakdown) then my career. Like you I never gave myself time to grieve or recover.
Everyday I wonder what my little girl would have been like and all I can say is that I wish, wish, WISH I knew that she was still out there somewhere and that that there was a chance that oneday a letter would turn up asking me to meet her.
If you can find it in your heart please meet your son now while you have the chance. You never know what is around the corner. Even if its only the once to satisfy his curiousity, I think you should agree. I think in some ways adoption is like a bereavement for the birth mum - you have the chance to meet him again grab it with both hands.
Sorry, I hope my story helps you put things in prespective of some sort but if you decide to ignore it I will understand - as I say our situations are different
Changedforthis - thank you for sharing your story. I really am not sure what to say. I read it to DH and started crying. I am so sorry for what you went through.
Your story and Roisin's comment about dreaming of meeting her son do give me a lot of food for thought.
I don't think that this is 'just about the child' she created, I think that new name has every right to explore her own feelings about meeting her son. I can't imagine what the pain and fear of a pregnancy must have been like for a fourteen year old child, I only just managed to cope with all it entailed during my thirties.
I hope that you find the time and the space to explore the reasons for your discomfort and come to a decision that is right for both of you. You gave your son life and ensured that he has a good home, with loving parents. I don't personally feel you have anything to feel guilty about, provided you deal with this in a way that is sensitive to your son's feelings.
i don't think there would ever be a problem if ever you'd be in contact with him. It would feel a little awkward at first i guess but you'd get used to it.
This is a quick update for the people who were kind enough to offer advice on this thread.
I have been in contact with my son. He e-mailed with a few simple questions that were all factual. The questions were not hard to answer so I replied with the facts and added that I had always wanted the best for him and would like to hear how he was doing straight from the horse's mouth.
He replied with a long e-mail that detailed how happy he is and how good his family are. I replied saying how good that was to hear and telling him a little about my other children and my life since he was born. His next e-mail was the hardest. It asked how he could contact his dad and I had to reply and say I did not know. I told him as many facts about his dad as I know and then I lost a night's sleep worrying he would say he was going to trace his dad. He has just replied saying he is not really interested in getting to know a man who could do what his dad did to a 14 year old girl! How mature is that? I was overwhelmed (and proud).
I think our correspondance will fizzle out now (but we will not loose touch). He knows what he needed to know and has a busy life to get on with. We have agreed that if he ever comes to Europe he should let me know and I will do the same if we go to America.
Thanks for your advice in getting me to take the leap.
I have not read all of this but from your last post I think you have been very brave and wish you well, I hope that you can keep in touch with your son if only with Christmas and Birthday newsletters.
I didn't see your original thread newname but i have just read it now and I am so pleased you have been in direct contact and that it worked out well for you all. He does indeed sound so mature - you must be very pleased that you gave him such a precious gift.
I'm so please to read this as I was thinking of you He does sounds a very mature young man and a credit to his parents. I'm glad it wasn't as difficult as you thought
please do consider going to counselling for yourself. This will have stirred up some feelings/memories for you and you don't want them all to hit you just after your baby is born ( those pesky hormones)
gosh, what a mature young man. I wonder, (and I am sorry if this sounds lecturing) if you have thought of counselling for you. Because you can't hold all that in, as well as having lost your own parents and not need some one professional to talk too, I mean you are so young (30?) to have lost both your parents.
get some counselling to address your feelings about the whole thing - then you may not feel so anxious. I think you are anxious about how meeting/communicating wityh him will make you feel. If you have some counselling first you will be better able to deal with it.
Hi I am not moominsmummy but moominsdaddy. I have just read your message about your child who you placed for adoption, and I fully respect your decision. I am a Social Worker and work with children and their biological parents who are in the same situation. The only advise that I can offer you is that in my experience, your child may be looking for closure, and I feel that your child does not see you as their parent and sees their adoptive parents as parents. I feel that your child only wishes to understands their roots and origins. As you have said you wrote the child a letter explaining your reasons, but this matter will not go away, and in most cases your child will continue to request this. I feel that you both will benifit from meeting, and both be able to put closure to the case, or you both may even decide to keep in touch. I understand that this is a very hard decision for you, and I hope what I have written helps in some way.
i have only read your op and MMd's reply, but in slightly diff circs, my dp's father left them when he was 2 years old, he split with dps mum and soon after broke all contact. Out of the blue, dp's father puts himself on genes reunited knowing dp is tracing his (older ancestors)..dp and his sis got very excited, exchanged some lovely emails with father, photo's...and then father started being lax emailing, now doesnt bother at all again..dp just wanted to met him, understand why he did what he did in hearing it from his father and not from a third party, say hi and then move on, maybe speak now and then but def DIDNT want him to be his 'DAD'..i think your child wants similar, he will be confused and TBH will(if you allow) see you more of a friend as he already has a mum and dad now..good luck
Didn't see this thread originally, but have read it all now and I just wanted to pass comment on how difficult this was for you, but you were so considerate with your thought processes and seem to have made the right decision for all parties. Your birth son sounds like a wonderful young man, and you also sound like a wonderful woman and I wish you much happiness on this journey.
Hinewname - just wanted to thank you for sharing the outcome. So glad it has been better than you expected and I wish you all luck in dealing with this as things mo
so I wouldn't be angry with them I don't think... 
must preview when cross...
at your really offensive post] 
