Hi,
I have read so many messages here and have found them really useful so now it's my turn. I am 41, married, with one DS, aged 4. I have always wanted to adopt and we tried a few years ago but were told that we had to wait until ds was older so that there was at least a 2 year age gap between them. I found social services so incompetant, even at that early stage that it out me off. I went on to try for another baby, had 2 hideous pregnancies and 2 misacarriages, one very late. It was horrendous, but I feel good now and we are on the adoption road again. I am very scared as it is such a big thing and I don't know if I'm up to it, but we feel that we have enough love and space and time for another child. It sounds an awful thing to say, but I am worried that I won't be able to love the second child as much as the first, but then again I felt the same when I was pregnant for the second and third times. But it must be different when you adopt. Or maybe it isn't. I would love some advice, stories and even to know if anyone is at the same stage so that maybe we cn support one another. I am nervous, but very excited. BTW, we don't mind about sex or ethnicity, but we don't think we could take on a child with special needs, though we've thought about it a lot.
Thanks for reaidng this. J

hi jenny, sorry to hear about the difficult time you have had over these last few years. i recommend that you join Adoption Uk and, if you think you might wish to adopt overseas, Oasis.

Would i be correct to assume that you are a white couple and that you live in the UK? If so, your first issues will be to locate an agency who are willing to assess and approve you for the type of child you want. I would write a brief letter outlining your family circumstances and send it to ALL the adoption agencies who cover your area.I would then follow up EVERY agency from whom you get a positive response.

I would counsel you to try not to get too excited at this stage and don't tell many people in RL at this stage - I'm afraid you have a very long road ahead . Please do NOT tell your employers or your son - its far too early.

I'm sorry to sound so practical, as i can read the excitement in your post

I note that you say

" we don't think we could take on a child with special needs, though we've thought about it a lot"

I think this is going to be a major issue for you. You imply that you are hoping to adopt a baby/toddler (under 36 months). i think you will find that most white "babies" in the care system now will probably have special needs of some sort. Many will have pre natal exposure to alcohol or drugs and/or a family history of mental illness. Many will have developmental delays and some will have been neglected or abused. All will be at significant risk of attachment problems.

I would recommend that you familiarise yourselves with these kind of special needs and consider whether or not you could take these on.

its something i would consider doing but at 46 i,m to old i think my youngest is 3 and my oldest is 27 i have 5 and its normal to think "how could i possible love another child " trust me you do
best of luck !

Thanks for the replies.

KristinaM: yes, we are a white couple and we live in the UK. We don't want to adopt from overseas. Though we would be happy to adopt an older child, there has to be that age gap between the two so s/he would have to be about 6 or under, assuming that the process takes 2 to 3 years. I have two close friends who have been through the mill and I have watched carefully and have an idea of some of the pitfalls. I am very aware that most kids who need adopting will have troubles, some very serious troubles, and all I can say at this stage is that I am trying to keep an open mind. There's no point pretending that we can handle anything that comes our way but we don't want to let the doubts stop us either. We are excited, but we we know it's a long process and we will try to be realistic along the way.
Good idea about contacting all the adoption agenices. I always assume it's just the local council that can help, but of course there are many others. We are going to an introductory meeting in November and are reading and researching as much as we can. But I guess that's just like being pregnant. You can read all the books in the world, but nothing really prepares you.

I would love to hear some real life stories form people about adoption.
Thanks again.

good advice about all the adoption agencies: I will do that.

"Though we would be happy to adopt an older child, there has to be that age gap between the two so s/he would have to be about 6 or under, assuming that the process takes 2 to 3 years."

If your son is already 4 and it takes you about 2 years to be approved, he woudl be 6 so you would be looking for a child under 4. An " older child" woudl usually be school aged.

Unfortunately there is a long list of families already approved and waiting for a child under 4, so you may find it hard to get an agency to assess you.

"I am very aware that most kids who need adopting will have troubles, some very serious troubles, and all I can say at this stage is that I am trying to keep an open mind. There's no point pretending that we can handle anything that comes our way but we don't want to let the doubts stop us either. "

That sounds a very realistic and balanced approach. I woudl advise you to find out a lot more about these "troubles", so that you have some time to consider the impact they might have on your family, especially your son.This research will stand you in good stead if you decide to proceed with adopting.

"I always assume it's just the local council that can help, but of course there are many others. "

You should contact every agency that covers your area - voluntary agencies and all other local authorities who work in your area. Sadly its common for a family to get 6 montsh down the line with one agency before they are told that they wont assess them.

See herefor example. You will see here that this poster started enquiries in summer 2007 and it took until July 2008 to discover that they the agency would not assess them

Its perfectly normal to approach several agencies - you don't have to decide which to go with until you have it it writing that they will assess you for the type of child you want. Then you have a home study with ONE agency.

"I would love to hear some real life stories form people about adoption."

Have you thought of joining Adoption UK and going along to a local group? You will learn a great deal more from meeting other adopters. You will appreciate that many APs are reluctant to share much of their story on a public forum

Yes, of course, I was thinking 4, but wrote 6 thinking of my DS. I wrote a letter today and will send it to the agencies I can find. I realise that finding a child under 4 will be very difficult, if not impossible, but all we can is to try. I really am trying to be as realistic as I can about it: please don't think I am naive enough to think this will be easy. It might not work for us, but we'll give it a really good try. I've signed up to do some voluntary work with a local school where there are children with speical needs so that should give me an idea of what we may need to deal with. I also took your advice and joined Adoption UK today. I found lots of useful threads there and will use it a lot I think. Can I ask what your experience of this is? Not in a nosey way, just curious and tell me to mind my own business if you like. Thanks again, J

"I wrote a letter today and will send it to the agencies I can find. "

That's great - its harder for them to ignore a letter and less demoralising for you than endless phone calls that get no where.

"I realise that finding a child under 4 will be very difficult, if not impossible, but all we can is to try. "

There are quite a few younger children in the system,its just that most have special needs and/or need black or mixed race families. Some are in sibling groups and need to be placed together. Other will need to live in a certain area so they can continue to have regular contact with their birth family.

Also when young children and babies are relinquished by their birth families, it is usual to give the the birth parent/s a choice of adoptive families. Normally teenage or 20s mothers chose adoptive parenst in their 30s. And you will be in your mid 40s

Another factor is that SS will insist that one parent stay at home with the child until school age, and not every family can afford this. Even if they do not stipulate this, families with a WOHM will always lose out at panel to a SAHM

If you want a white healthy child under 4 with no special needs or developmental delays etc then many agencies will probably place only one or two children like this a year.If they have 6 families already waiting for a child like this then will not spend several thousands of pounds of their money to assess you when they already have a three or four year supply.They are only intersted in finding placements for their children - not in finding a child for your family

"I really am trying to be as realistic as I can about it: please don't think I am naive enough to think this will be easy. "

I don't think that at all.You sound like you have thought about this a lot. Anyway, we are all naive until we have been through it. like you say, you can watch a film or read a book about childbirth but its not the same as doing it ,

Just remember that most SWs you meet are not adoptive parenst. Most have never even been foster carers and have never lived with a child with attachment problems, foetal alcohol effects or with ASD, let alone parented one. They have simply had a few days training and done a few assessmnts - they have only read and heard about it - they have never lived it.The better ones will have experience of post placement support and additional training

i hope you get the chance to meet some adopters face to face and hear about their families.

Good luck with your voluntary work - shoudl be interesting

"Can I ask what your experience of this is? "

yes of course - i am an adoptee and an adoptive parent and i have been a foster carer

You did not mention assisted conception - are you aware that you will need to have completed this for some time before an agency will start to assess you? they will require a report from your GP regarding this

Jenny

I am an adoptive parent of 2 siblings. I don't have any birth children to compare but I just came down from bedtime thinking that they were two angels borrowed from heaven! I think Friday night has made me come over all sentimental, especially given the mess the "angels" have left in the kitchen.

Don't discount local authorities. Try your neighbouring authorities, it's a bit of a postcode lottery. We are fortunate that our SS department is very professional and supportive but had we lived a few miles away it might have been very different. I don't know where you live (don't feel you have to say) but I know of an older, white couple who moved out of London to the home counties so they had a better chance of adopting, which they successfully did, a 2 year old IIRC.

Adoption UK's publications and message boards were a good source of advice to us, and helped us go into it with our eyes open, although we haven't had too many problems surface so far. Also if you get the "children who wait" magazine, you pretty soon get an idea of the sort of children looking for new parents, although bear in mind these tend to be the "hard-to-place" cases. Local authorities will place all the children they can within their own pool of approved adopters.

Best of luck with your enquiries

Thank you for that and I am so glad to hear that things have worked out for your family. We do live in the home counties and my best freinds has just been through the process here and found it pretty smooth, though she thought she would have problems as she is single, not financially solvent and certainly can't be a SAHM. The social worker told me it should take about a year from initial inquiry to approval but I don't know if she is lying, being optimisitc etc.. It took my friend 18 months. In any case, we'll stick with the council and others and hope for the best. I'm already finding the Adoption Uk website really useufl and I have contacted the coordinator of our local group. Fingers crossed and thanks again for your encouragament: I know we have to be realistic, but having so many people only spell out the negatives doesn't always help.

Kristina always tells it to you straight and knows what she is talking about.

We have birth sons of 12 and 8 and last July received a little girl who was 2yrs 8months. She is very bright and has no 'special needs' as such, but does have longterm health problems, in the form of cystic fibrosis and short gut syndrome. There had been very few enquiries about her because potential adopters were scared off by all the medical info. We, however, have found that getting into a good routine and accepting that trips to hospital are a part of our life, means we just have three children and it's really no big deal.

There is 5 years between her and our younger son - that relationship has been quite volatile as she has rejected him a lot, in favour of his older brother. I have found that quite difficult to deal with, but I have not found the issue of 'loving an adopted child as you do a birth child' a problem at all. It helps a bit, I think, if the adopted child is a different gender, so it is harder to make comparisons. I also think that it is in the day to day care of a young child that the feelings of tenderness towards them really develop, which is why I think it is so helpful for you as the parent, that the adopted child is the youngest by a few years.

I'm not sure if that makes sense and I'm sure it's not everyone's experience.

Hi Jenny - just wanted to wish you all the best of luck for your journey ahead. People are wise to counsel caution, but I just wanted to say that I hear where you are coming from, that you don't want the doubts to stop you: it can happen smoothly and everything can slot into place. Our DS1 is adopted (two bio children followed him) - for us, the lengthiest phase was the approval. We approached our local council in the January to say we wanted to start the process, eventually got onto one of their mandatory two-day prep courses some 7 months later, and began the home study about 4 months after that. The home study took about 5 months. Then we were finally approved as adopters; after having gone through some 18 months of preparation, we were matched with our DS two weeks after going to panel! 9 months old, healthy, with no 'issues' and freed for adoption. Just wanted to say that, yes, you do have a lot ahead of you, but it is possible for things to happen very straightforwardly.

Oh, and try to make sure you build a good relationship with your social worker (even if, at times, you find the whole process very frustrating, as we certainly did) - he/she will be your key advocate and could well be instrumental in making sure your papers are in the right place at the right time. Good luck .

We were assessed and matched with a child through Surrey Social Services (although we have since moved). They were pretty good, and in our small sample of the couples we met along the way most of them have been matched with children under 2 years old (I think that there are a lot more of these children than social services let on).

Yes, almost all these children have had some drug or alcohol issues but so far developmentally "normal" but only time will tell...

My advice would be to (as you already are) stay as open minded as possible. So many times we would roll our eyes at our social worker's latest request or idea only to realise weeks or months later that she was spot on!

Go along with everything social services ask of you - they make you jump through endless hoops which seem pointless at the time but it is just the system and you have to stick with it - our little girl is now 2 years old and charms people wherever she goes, such a joy in our lives.

Lovely to hear about some more experiences. We talk and talk about this and are going to give it our best. We will expect the worst and be thrilled if things work out well. I was wondering about the geneder things. We said we wouldn't mind a boy or girl, but perhaps a girl would make the process smoother for DS. Have spoken to the local group rep. who is very encouraging about local SS. Fingers crossed. Have any of you adopted in your 40s? I am 40 and DH is 39. We are not currently and never have had assisted concetion treatment and don't plan to. I hope the fact that I had my last miscarrige only in May won't be held against me.

We adopted a small boy (18months) in the home counties from the local ss, and yes dh was mid 30 me approaching 40. We started the process about a year after my last mc, which did trouble ss! They made it clear I would have to be a SAHM and er take precautions. Approval took 18 months and we waited a further 12+ for ds to be matched. We were approved for 1-2 children up to 5 (with or without mild sn) so were actually surprised and delighted to get ds details. Ds does have sn although that has become more apparent with time. Our original hope was to adopt 2 - but as ds sn became more apparent we realised that he would benefit from 2:1 parenting, and any second child might suffer because of ds high needs.
We love our son who is nearly 9 and frankly I forget he is not my flesh and blood! He might as well be.
Ds needs very high parental energy and at times his needs have tested relationships around us. My life is quite different to other mothers with one child, and it can be a little isolating as it is for parents of sn dcs , especially when behaviour is problematic. I can honestly say ds starting ms school was amongst the hardest times of my life (and like you I have s/b and m/c amongst those hard times). Ds is now in a lovely special school for children with ASD and MLD who understand him and treat him fairly.
Would I do it again if I could go back 7 years ( with todays knowledge) - ofcourse I would!

jenny - there are more boys than girls in the system, so it might take you longer if you are only approved for a girl

agencies will all have their own opinions as what they will deem is an accepptable amount of time to wait after a m/c, but i suspect that as its only been 4 months they may ask you to wait for a while, and/or to have soem counselling. as magos says, they will also tell you to use contraception ( goodness knwos how they check!)

they may also wish conformation from your Gp that you have not been referred for assisted conception services. if you change your mind about this they or get pg they will stop your adoption application immediatly.

just to warn you. soem people think they will defer it to see if the treatment/ pg is sucessful but they wont.

Good to know. Absolutely no way we will ever go for another birth child: that is clear and my GP will tell them that. If I do want to 'try again' I have to have a very large fibroid removed. I am going to leave it be so that should be pretty conclusive for them. Have had counselling and they told me I was doing well so that's that. I hope they don't make me wait too long: surely at our age, we know our minds and we have been thinking and planning for this for years.
I can't be a SAHM but I do get 6 months adoption leave and my job is very flexible so I hope they won't hold that against me.

Magso: did you ever think of adopting a second child?

Its not that they will " hold it against you", its just that they want to make sure that you have come to terms with not having another bio child. i understand that you feel that 4 montsh is long enough to deal with this but they may not agree!

Likewise, they will not hold it against you that you are a WOHM, its just that when you go to matching panel for a young child you will be competeing against other families. More often than not, panel will choose to place a child under school age with a family with a SAH parent. Children who have had disrupted lives need a lot of attention and may struggle in childcare.So unless you flexible job allows you/your DH to stay at home all the time, you may find its a problem in adopting a child under 4, although you may get approved.

Some birth mothers may also express this preference

Please understand, i am not advocating adoption agency policies , I am just explaining what i understand to be common practice. Information is power

I'm sorry if you feel this is being negative but what i really don't want is for you to get a year down the line with an agency only to be told they wont assess you because eg you cant give up work or you wont consider a child with SN

Jenny. Yes. But realistically ds sn were very demanding at the time and we were worried that we would not have been able to keep a second child safe! I only manage to work very part time now - and ds needs (he has autism amongst other things)are such that I doubt that I can ever again work full time (unless dh and I swop). It is not a choice to be an almost SAHM but a necessity.

I knwo you are not asking opinions on thsi but I can never keep my mouth shut...

if your choices are to have a fibroid removed and then be able to conceive or go through the adoption process i woudl go for the first like a shot.

disclaimer - I am not a doctor. i am saying this as soemone who has had a m/c and an emergency c section (which i assuem is similar to a myomectomy) and several adoptions and i can tell you that the ECS was a walk in the park compared to the adoption process

hi jenny, we had a failed adoption with a baby. the adoption agency insisted we waited a year before applying again, they said they would do this with the loss, by any means, of a child. good luck.

it might be worth saying you will be a sahm as they dont approve of you going back to work so early.

once the adoption is finalised, 3 to 6 months depending on age you can do what you want.

you will get the same rights as anyone on maternity leave.

but as magso points out, your child may need you to say at home

It's not just the fibroid: the removal would be a doddle, I know but I have had 3 hideous pregnancies (the worst sicknes my GP has ever seen and she in her 50s), lots of hosptial stays and after the last m/c at 18 weeks, I just won't do it again. Not just for myself, though I was desperately despressed every time and it took me a long time to recover mentally, but also for my ds who really suffered and is still reeling from having mummy so ill and then having a brother coming and then not having a brother arrive. I think living through that hell and having to worry about anothr late miscarriage might just push us all over the edge. In any case, I really have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember and I wish to god I had not get pregnant again the thrid time. But there you have it. Thye may think four months is not long enough, but my thinking on this is that I have known for a long time that I wanted to do this, and I know it will take a long time so it's best to begin now isn't it? They won't get around to seeing me until later this year anyway.

Hifi, I am really sorry to hear about your baby. Can you tell me what happended. Will fully understand if you don't want to discuss.

Sorry to be vague, but I'm not sure what you mean about leave and work. Will I be expected to stay home longer than 6 months? If this is the case, surely that means only wealthier couples can qualify. I need to work for financial reasons, but also because I love it. Giving up would be a really big deal for me. What are other people's expereinces.

Kristina: I don;t mind you being negative at all: I know you are just being realistic. I don't know what the policy will be here, but hopefully things will be clealer when i speak to some more people who have recently been through the process. My friend, who adopted through our local SS recently, was pretty positive about the whole thing and she was certainly not expected to stay at home for more than 6 months.
Sorry about my shocking spelling by the way: I type quickly, but badly, but I can spell... really

jenny, you just have to say you arnt going back, \change your mind after the adoption.
our baby went back as his mother changed her life around, life's tough.

Sorry jenny, i appreciate that you have had a horrible time. I knwo so many families have been through stuff like this and feel that teh adoption process must be much easier. sadly sometimes its not

If you have had post natal depression you need to read up about post adoption depression, so you are aware of teh risks. You also must know that many families have a failed adoption, so your son woudl have to live with this too, as well as a number of promised placements that fail to materialise.
you will see that hifi and her Dh lost a baby and their story is not unusual.This is espeically a risk if you go for an agency that does concurrent planning, like Corum, or if children are not legally secure.

"it took me a long time to recover mentally, but also for my ds who really suffered and is still reeling from having mummy so ill and then having a brother coming and then not having a brother arrive. I think living through that hell and having to worry about anothr late miscarriage might just push us all over the edge."

please understand, I am not trying to talk you out of adoption. i just want you to know that you are still at risk of most of the things if you adopt.

please listen to the other posters who have shared that their children have special needs which they were not expecting. this is a much higher risk than with a birth child, due to family history of things like ASD & mental health problesm, pre natal exposure to drugs/alcohol and damaging early life experiences such as abuse, neglect and multiple placements.much of this " soft" neurological damage does not show up properly until school age and its hard to seperate it out initially from develomental delays from being in teh care system.

so you need to knwo that whatever SS tell you you will be probably be adopting a " high risk" child

only you can decide if its worth going through a horrible pg etc to have a bio child. you will have teh stress and uncertainly and risk of depression or losing a child with either route

I was worried I was being too negative too. You are very wise to have asked for others storys - I am sure they all different.
To answer your questions. It was made very clear to us that we could only go forward for adoption if we could have one parent always with dc for at least a year - preferably until school age. We had to show ( in discussion) we had thought about and arranged our finances to be in a position to do this - though nobody actually asked to see the (private) papers!! (We changed to a flexible mortgage) I espected to be able to return to part time work once the adoption was complete (18months)- but it became obvious ds needed longer than that (and childcare is very difficult when sn are involved). Dh has slightly flexible hours to allow me to work. I do miss the cutting edge of work ( and being knowledgable in a way its hard to be when you only do it pt)- since now I am filling in at the bottom so to speak and am always rushing to get home on time so miss out on social contact!
I can understand not wanting to risk another late mc! Good luck whatever you decide.

I was 42 when we adopted, DH was 39

ill be 42 when we get our next on. my friend was 47 and 2 weeks, and single.

I would have been 41 when second son would have been born had he lived and I don't think it's that old, though I do understand why younger parents might be seen as preferable.

Hifi: I am so sorry and I really hope the next placement works out for you.

Kristina: I do understand wht you're saying and I also know that I can never know what any of it means or feels like until I am in the process myself. The 'sensible' part of me tells to quit while I'm ahead and to be grateful for my lovely ds, but there's a real desire for another child which is hard to deny. But you know, I may yet change my mind. All we can do is to get on with it and try to keep an open mind while we're in the process. If it feels wrong or if we really don't think we can cope, we will be honest enough to say so. I was with some children with sn this morning at the school where I was volunteering and they ranged from retty severe to very mild as far as I could tell. It was an eye opener and I don't think I could deal with very severe probelms full time. I know a couple who adopted siblings and were told they were 'meeting all their developmental mislstones'. It tunred out that thatg both were autistic and became apprent when they were about 4 and 5. Tbhis has turned out to be very difficult for this couple and I can see why.

jenny - i'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. No, of course i dont think 41 is "old" - I had babies at 42 and 43!

Personally i think a lot of the Ss rules are complete rubbish and have little to do with the best interest of the children placed. But I get angry when they are not upfront with prospective adopters. They often say that teh rules are flexible so families think that they will bend them their particular case if they can give a good reason. Most of the time what they actually mean is that they don't all apply if you will adopt a hard to place child.

So families who want a white NT baby or todddler are strung along for months before they are told that they wont even assess them.

they are often not honest with families about the types of difficulties that children can have. your friend story is sadly very common, many of these things don't show up clearly enough until the children are nursery or school age. Often SW, (who have no training in child development) will just go on what the health visitor or Gp has told the foster carer - rarely do children have a proper assessment with an appropriate professional. The childs medical is often performed by a GP who are not experts in PDD, ASD, FAS, RAD etc

Even if issues are picked up they are often dismissed with " i'm sure this will go away once they achieve permanence".

If you read the SN boards here you will see how hard bio families have to work to get a DX for their children - it often takes years. And thats when you have no complicatiing factors of abuse, neglect or multiple placements

I'm sorry, i woudl love to be abel to tell you that there are many white healthy babies waiting for you to adopt them but there are not. There are many older (school aged) children, often in sibling groups, many who need a black or mixed race family, and almost all of them will have additional support needs. And there are some younger children who will also be at high risk of developing problems.Of course all these children deserve a loving home - but not everyone is able to meet these needs, especially if they have existing children and teh appropate support services - respite, psychological, psychiatric, educational, therapuetic etc- are very thin on the ground.

You can request a meeting with the panel medical advisor or whoever is responsible doctor fo rlooked after children to discuss the medical history and needs of the child prior to your decision to adopt the child, some children do display behaviour which can be attributed to attachment issues / lack of permeance / neglect which also mirror traits found with ADHD and the like. It is important to be as honest as possible with the social worker assessing you as this will give the best assessment and allow you to explore the issues which you need more information about before you can make a decision about what you can realitically cope with in a child, it is important to be honest not everyone can cope with the same issues so do not feel you should be able to cope with everything

Kristina: what's a DX? I am really glad of your advice and in my letter to the VAs which cover this area, I asked them to tell me realistically if they would assess us. I just hope they answer truthfully. I'm told there is a shortage of all adoptive parents in the area, so I hope that puts us in good stead.

Gothicmama: good to know that: if it gets to that stage, I will request it. It's best to know everything isn't it?

I remain determined ... we won't know until we try.

(Dx is diagnosis.)Good luck Jenny.

jenny60 - what Kristina says about SS not being particularly interested in white, middle class couples whom they see as only able to offer a home to a white, non-special-needs baby/toddler, certainly rings true with me.

The trouble is, they will also pigeon-hole you and not assess you quickly unless you appear open-minded about the sort of child you could consider. We were happy to be considered for non-white children, but they would not hear of it.

Our assessment took nearly two years.

It was only because I identified and enquired about our little girl that they even thought of us for her - even though she was one of 'their' children. They had her medical needs down as too severe for us to cope with - total nonsense as it turns out. It has been a very successful placement and they now ask me to talk on their adoption courses and to prospective individual adopters.

What I'm saying is that you have to be very proactive and make them see that you are worth prioritising, by not seeming to have made up your minds too soon about the sort of child you can or cannot adopt.

I know people say there are more boys than girls in the system, but it will just totally depend on what is happening in your area when you are approved - it's been almost all girls adopted by our friends over the last 2 years! However I know that 2 years ago there were hardly any girls at all. So you can't make your decisions based on what may or may not be out there. You just have to decide what is best for you.

The issue of going back to work... Yes, this is a big one for social services. I was always definately going back to work (for financial reasons) and indeed did so after 6 months, but DH stayed at home for another 9 months and now we split the care. This is NOT what I thought would happen, but so many things change the way you think, it's not easy for an adopted child to just slot into life in this new family. I really believe it takes a year for it all to settle, and sending them to nursery too early can be a real set-back.

My work was really important to me before DD, but now we have her all that business stuff just doesn't seem so attractive!! We have made a lot of financial cut-backs to afford for me to be at home more but it is the right things for our family. So just be open-minded and tell ss you may or may not go back depending on the child...

You are not restricted to waiting for a child in your own area. There is an Adoption Register for England and Wales. Here is some information from Adoption UK

After prospective adopters have been approved, the agency must forward their details to the Adoption Register within three months, if they have not been matched or linked with any children. The register seeks to link hard to place children with prospective adopters. Adopters may also self-refer to the register.

The Adoption Register provides a national overview of adoption in England and Wales by:
Maintaining a national database of all children needing adoption and of all approved families waiting to adopt.

·Identifying ‘what works’ in finding families for children; the trends in adoption; the characteristics of children needing families and the adopters available to meet their needs.

·Providing a free service to adoption agencies which identifies links nationally between children and families where a local or regional link is not desirable, or cannot be made within a reasonable period of time.

When adopters are approved, their agency forwards their details to the register and they are entered onto the database. This can provide the additional opportunity of a match with a child beyond their local area. It can also lead to speedier placements for children in public care.

While newly approved adopters may feel comfortable waiting for a child locally, there may be a child somewhere else in England or Wales who also waits. But they cannot be linked unless the adopters’ details have been activated on the register.

While agencies must refer adopters to the register three months after approval, they can refer adopters before this and will usually do so if it is unlikely they will be able to match the adopters with a suitable child in the area quickly.

I just wanted to say thanks to you all for replying. We're just going to get on with it, taking all your advice on board, and hope for the best. I'll keep you posted. J

Good luck.

Hello there! We adopted a little girl aged 17 months just over four years' ago. She was given up at 5.5 weeks and spent the next 15 months or so with fabulous foster carers who loved her like she was theirs. We have never had any problems with her whatsoever, we bonded from day one and I couldn't possibly love her any more. However, we were very lucky. We have met very many adopters along the way, some good stories and some not so good. I'm afraid I have to disagree with people when they say that adopted children come with problems, no more so than any birth children. We have a very wide network of adopters who are close friends and the only problems we ever have are the usual problems with kids in general. My daughter knows she is adopted though she doesn't know really what the word means. She knows what her birth mother and father look like and she knows I am not tummy mummy. Having said all of this, it very rarely gets a mention. I am sure this will change as she gets older. I am happy to chat with anyone who wants to know of my experiences, good and bad (let's say, social workers don't figure that highly in our home) but at the end of the day, having our daughter was the best thing we ever did and I won't ever regret making the decision to adopt.

I would say to anyone thinking about making the step to go along to an information evening. The first thing the SW will tell you is that there are no babies and if you only want a baby then not to apply. Not true. When we adopted our daughter we met 4 other couples in the same boat as us - all without children and hoping for a healthy baby. All of us got children under the age of 2 and we were all matched with our children within a year of approval - for us we got our Littlie within six months. I hate to say it but you have to tell SS what they need to hear - DH regularly had to bite his tongue at the home study meetings. We were advised to use contraception whilst going through the process, we didn't.

Good luck to one and all.

Bongo xxxx

Thanks so much for thay and I am very glad all is well with you and your family. I have read in a few places that often children who seem absolutely fine begin to show sings of various kinds of distress at around 3. Has that been your experience or have you heard of this happening to other people?
I would love to hear more about your experiences. How old were you and partner? Are you thinking of adopting another child? We are booked into the information evening and I for one can't wait to hear more.

when is the info evening jenny? do let us know how it goes. have you had any positive responses from other agencies?