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Hi, looking for any advice on when is the correct time to share with our 9 year old ds a letter written to him from his birth mother.We adopted our ds at 6 weeks old he has always known his full history and we talked fairly often and retell the happy story of his adoption.We have a letter written to him from his birth mother explaining how much she loved him and the circumstances leading to his adoption it is a lovely letter however I am unsure if he is ready yet to read it as I guess it is a bit sad and I worry that it might upset him. He has just had his birthday and as always we are thinking and talking about his birth mum.Anyone any advice on this one. Thanks
It's hard to say without knowing your son and without seeing the letter, but 9 sounds quite a good age to me. Are you waiting for a time when you feel he won't be upset by it? Will that time ever come? Has he given you clues that he would welcome more information?
have no experience at all, just wanted to say how well you sound to have done it all, such a lovely positive story, and there are no surprises waiting for him.
Would it help to let him know that there is a letter, and that he might like to choose when the right time is for him to read it - which can be at any point in time he wants. I think I'd want to make sure he can read the letter himself, i.e. has the literacy skills to do it. I sounds lovely to have a letter like that, your ds is lucky to have you.
Thanks hester yes I think he is maybe starting to look for more information. The letter is very loving and honest and yes it will probably upset him whenever he reads it but more due to sadness for the situation that his birth mother was in rather than lack of love for ds.
I think your instincts are moving you towards showing him the letter, or at least giving him the option. You're his mum, you know him best - I think you should trust your instincts.
No rl experience of this but I think if this has always been a open subject I think your relationship is built on a trust and honesty and you have nothing to hide or fear. Your ds will probably read and take what he needs at his tender age, and with time will understand and see the true meaning of the letter, it will probably grow with him and bring comfort when he needs it.
Thanks all gigglewitch I was planning to say that there is a letter and if he wanted to think about reading it sometime with Mummy and Daddy. We met our ds birth mum at the time of the adopion and regularly recall the story of meeting her to him.The story of our ds adoption is so straight forward. Thanks
We have letters for our children, I think in theory they were written to be read at age 16 but the social worker said in reality 9 or 10 is the age when most people tend to share these things. My kids are not that old yet but perhaps it's a better time to get the sad issues out in the open rather than the early teens when they don't communicate so well.
I think the idea of giving a flavour of the letter, and letting him know it exists, is a good one. Let him choose if he wants to read it now. You can go as far as to tell him it may make him a little sad, because BM loved him, but was in a difficult situation when he was born (presumably).
Can I add I am full of admiration and respect for how you have handled things so far. Very hard to prioritise honouring the BM letter given the strength of your maternal bond and feelings. It shows just how much you love your son.
My DSis is adopted and I think it would have helped her very much indeed to have had such a letter. I think it is a resource for him for the future.
Just like the way he has always known he was adopted, I think before too long he really needs to know that there is a letter. I think keeping it a secret for too long would make him wonder what else was out there - in a way be unsettling when it was meant to be completely the opposite.
This may have been just our experience, but my sister's "adoptedness" came a bit more to the fore when she was a teenager. I think it is a time of questioning your identity and obviously the fact of being adopted comes into it. That's why I think him having seen the letter before then would be a good thing.
he's still a child. don't load him up with somebody else's stuff just yet.
i am adopted and i think at nine there would be no way i could have dealt with this tbh.
it is bloody hard to have contact with birth family- even if he is well adjusted etc i do feel maybe just wait a bit longer.
does he push for all the birth mother stuff, or is it driven by you?
not sure at 9 i would even let him know there is a letter. he will end up having to take on some of his birht mother's baggage- 9 is too little for that i belive.
hi oops, thanks maybe some of the birth mother stuff is pushed a bit by me certainly not by my dh . I suppose I was just thinking about preteens and feeling secure but maybe 9 is still young.
I just think that the stuff around adoption doesn't have to be a big thing. as a family we talked about it on occaision, but it wasn't a big thing to us.
when we were little we had a bedtime story about when we came home form the adoption home and i knew my um was young and didn't feel able to take care of me well enough.
and that was it tbh.
i don't feel it ws detrimentla to me as a child to NOT talk about it too much IYSWIM. i just got on with being a child and doing chil stuff.
later in life- about 35, i decided to think about my adopted mum. we have met and are in reg contact and i have siblings.
i think it would be hard for a 9yr old to carry stuff from his birth mother IYSWIM. he's just a kid and all the other stuff is just so adult.
Oops - that's a really interesting perspective and VERY different to what today's social workers advise. If possible, we are meant to enable supervised contact with the birth parents throughout the adopted child's life, so that there's not big secret lurking...
We're doing it with our DD, but it's a tricky balancing act!
it is not the way i define myslef, and i think it was good to not have to think about it too much as a child
i felt secure and knew my parents loved me.
i think too much of the letter etc would have been destablising to both me and my sister tbh.
The thing is, my birht mum, bless her, is a bit bonkers anyway and supervised vistis with her through my life may not have been the best thing ever.,
i can't belive that visits are encouraged tbh.
how is that meant to amek the child feel more stable???? and how does that help the birth mother move on and deal with it all?
i dunno really, adoption in s weird thing. i don't know if i am glad or not that i was adopted- i just accpet that this happened to me and now i deal with it.
sounds like today what happens is it gets picked at again and again....not sure if that is the best way.
anyway, i feel like i am hijacking your thread with my ramblings.
No, your ramblings are good Oops, because we're all just trying to do the best for our adopted children and we do what the social workers advise, but if it's NOT the right thing, then we need to hear it!
I'd be in the camp who are suggesting you let him know the letter exists, in a really matter of fact way.
That's because my perspective on this is from the complete other end of the spectrum, though. My mother didn't find out she was adopted until she was in her mid-40s and had to send off for a replacement birth certificate. So it was a hell of a shock. Both her parents had been dead for 20 years so there was no way of answering any of the 1001 questions it threw up. Even worse, it was a private adoption, not through an agency, and the court records had been destroyed in a fire.
So I do think the current practice of encouraging families to be open about adoption is much better. Although it must be a tricky balancing act.
meeting up with my birht family was amazingky overwhelming, but ultimately has led t alot of heartache my birth mother doesn't really take alot of responsibilty for herslef and her life- not sure if this was since i was born and adopted, or was the cause of my adoption. it has been hard to be part of the family.... but i do have rather a fab sister and a crazy brother.
as a child i think the more the adoption thing was pushed the more frustrating i would find it. i just wanted to be like everyone else, parents, house, sister- nothing too complicated
i would understand more if adopting an older child where there had been some memories about the birth family tbh.
i have a friend witha beautiful adopted dd who had some time with he BM and foster family before she came to my friends, so i can see that memories need to be talked about and discuseed etc.
It's not just that there are no answers, btw, it's the sheer shock for my mother of discovering everything she thought she knew about herself was wrong. And that her adored parents had lied to her. With the very best of motives since that's what parents were told to do in those days, and there was a big stigma about illegitimacy etc. etc. etc.
But the trauma of that discovery was immense. It must, surely, be better to be as honest as possible while being kind and bearing in mind the child's age and level of understanding?
i was told that my mother was young and couldn't look after me- but she did love me.
which is pretty much true so no surprise there.
and it was nice to feel that i was loved by everybody.
moe than that in really didn't need to know. I think i was breifly hurt to find that my poarents married and had two more kids after i was adopted... but i am quite a snaguine person and realised that i was ok with my adopted parents.
having found out more and more about it all, then i'm less worried about being adopted. life with my birth family sounds like it was choatic to say the least
i think that if your boy is a young 9yr old and seems secure otherwise then just let him get on with his life for now
i think your first instinct is right .... i would tell him about it now and ask him if he wants to read it
also agree that you should try to tell him everything that you know about his birth family BEFORE adolescence.
domkat - i hope you don't mind me saying but i think you have to accept that although the story of his adoption is a "happy one" for you, its not necessarily for everyone else. Its possible that both your son and his birth family have mixed feelings about his adoption.
i suspect that your personal emphasis on the "happy story" of his adoption is making it hard for you to deal with the fact that he might feel sad or upset. Unfortunately you can't prevent him feeling sad about the loss of his birth family just by not showing him the letter - the loss is still there
i think that at 9 he is more than ready for a more adult discussion about the complications and sad/mixed feelings around being adopted
As someone who is adopted, I am leaning towards Opps' views.
This is mainly because even though your ds is very secure in himself and your family and as always known about the adoption, actually reading a letter from his birth mum is a big step.
(From my own life, I have always known I was adopted, that my birth mum was very young - 16 - and that she loved me). But, having recieved details of a letter she did for me on my 18th birthday, and still not actually reading it, I am shitting myself about what is in it!).
Reading a letter from a birth mum is hard at any age, and I feel that whilst he is secure in your life, you may find that he will be upset.
Also, your ds may never want to read it, and this should be his decision. At 9, he may not truly understand what is in that letter.
I think that in theory it is good to let him know about the letter, but in practice you need to look beyond that to the feelings he may come up with. If you do show him this letter will it open up a lot of feelings and questions that you are not able to deal with (either emotionally, or because you actually do not know the answers). I would agree with oops to let him enjoy his childhood, unless he specifically asks for more information. What if he reads the letter and wants to know more? What if the information you have is not enough? What if he wants to search now? You would have to explain that you cannot search until he is older. The gap since his adoption is still quite small, and even if you could contact his birth parents are they in a position to deal with contact?
I believe you have the best intentions, but I would be very careful before opening up too much discussion. He is happy with the current position, you have been open and honest. It sounds to me that you are doing well as you are.
For what it is worth, my two children both went through a patch of curiosity at about age 10 - now at 14 and 12 they don't want to discuss it at all. They don't seem bothered, but occasionally I feel pangs of guilt that I should encourage their questions. dh's attitude that they are happy with what they know is probably more useful in the long term.
I am adopted and was given a letter like this when I was 7 (mainly because my brother was also adopted and is 4 years older and they felt he needed to know and it would be easier to explain it all in one go) and to be honest I wish they had waited a bit longer.
I found it quite hard to deal with and also once we were told so were our cousins and they told all our friends etc so I was constantly being asked about it!!
I traced my BM a few months ago and must admit it has been a very positive thing and we are quite close,I also have a half brother and half sister and have just become an aunty The only problem is that I havent told my adoptive parents about tracing her and dont feel that I can.
They have always been open about the adoption but I dont think they would cope well with her being back in my life. I have recently lost alot of weight and my parents have always told me I get it from my BM who was big and they wonder whether she still is etc so it can be hard not to blurt out that actually she is rather slim etc And when people comment on how DS looks like my mum she cant help but say to them "well I dont know how because she is adopted!!"
I think that is very important that you share this information with him because it does make it easier to understand the reasons behind the adoption but maybe leave it a bit longer, at the end of the day he is still a child and should be able to enjoy that innocence without being clouded by doubts and thoughts he doesnt need to deal with yet x
This is such a huge decision and I say this as an adoptee - you've done all the right things, exactly as my parents did, by always telling me about my adoption. However, I wasn't really ready to actually read anything or physically see anything until I was 18/19 years of age - and I was a mature teenager.
I personally, would wait until perhaps your son asks you for more information. Or put together a file with things in which he can have and read, and touch (if you've photos) for when he reaches an age where you feel that would be right.
If you feel that age is now, then show him the letter but I would say wait until he shows more proactive interest in his past. I sat down with my mum and a social worker from the Catholic Children's Society and went through my file including letters from my birth mother which she wrote when I was 3 and 6 months old and also around my 16th birthday. It was a very special day and almost a passage of age, as it were.
Good luck and you'll know deep down what to do. And whatever you do choose to do will be the right thing. You've done the right thing so far so don't ever doubt you'll continue to do so.
Id do it as soon as possible tbh, without making a big deal about it, that way it just becomes part of his history and you all move on. I was adopted at 6 weeks but never knew anything about my birth mother except the fact that I came from a "Catholic home for unmarried mothers". I always knew I was adopted and have never had any issue with it, neither have I ever wanted to find my birth mother.
I really wouldn't wait until he gets hormonal when you risk the whole thing become a bigger issue than it needs to be.
I would agree with Oops - I'm adopted too and always knew I was - it was openly discussed whenever I asked, but I certainly wasn't told too much - any of the details that would have enabled me to find my birth mother had I decided as an impetuous 9 year old that I wanted to (I was regularly teed off at my parents at that age, and would have gone down this path on a weekly basis as a result!).
At 18 I made the decision to find out about my birth parents, and at that point was given all the information my parents had, before I approached the council I was adopted through.
I do wonder about the current advice to always talk about the birth mother, as this would make being adopted a much bigger deal than it ever was to me or my siblings.
