I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

only you know whether it is the right thing to do.
I am sure that if you want to go ahead with it then you will be offered counselling of some sort, and I would personally take them up on it, because it's something you need to be very sure of.

you have a long way to go, and you may find your feelings change before you get to term.

I don't know changed. it's a huge thing. I expect some people will think badly of you, yes. but at the end of the day if you're making the right decision for you and your family that's not your problem.

just make sure it is the right decision

i - personally - have nothing but the utmost respect for you

please do not worry what others think - if they think badly of you they are not worthy of knowing

you have found yourslef in a difficult position and are dealing with it as best you can

good luck!

An excruciatingly difficult decision to make, but you have to do what is best for you, your unborn child and your family. Nothing else to say, other than, it must be very, very hard and, well, the very best to you.

Oh gosh nothing to add from TIY's very very sound advice but what a hard decision to make. My thoughts are with you.

(actually, can I just underline what TIY said about having a long way to go... you may well change your mind). But only you can make the decision that's best for your family.

Good luck xx

correct me if i am wrong but doesn't your partner have to agree to it as well if he is the baby's father?

please see your midwife or GP to talk about your feelings.

there may be other options out there which you may find give you more support to cope with young children.

or you may need some assistancw with your feelings.

Could you have a chat with social services or barnardos? Adoption is very different these days and there are lots of different routes to support both mother and child (and the rest of the family)

How about fostering until you think your circumstances change or how about thinking about some practical support from a charity like Homestart?

Such a difficult decision to make - do you think you may be in shock from finding out you are pg so soon?

I would say you are still in shock to make any firm decisions yet but mothing more to add than thisisyesterdays advice get soem help and make sure it's the best decision for you and your family it doesn't matter what others think.

I hope that you get all the support that you need to make this decision. You are obviously only thinking about what is best for your unborn baby and the two that you already have - this makes you a lovely mother and no-one can say otherwise.

As yesterday says, you have a long way to go before you have to decide anything final - good luck x

Crikey, only you can decide what to do here.

How old is your DD? How old will your DC's be when this baby is born?

When you say you couldn't cope do you mean emotionally, financially or physically (ie, not enough room/big enough car?)?

I feel for you, you are definately in between a rock and a hard place. Take your time, and be careful and don't make any decisions in a panic. Mull it over and see how you feel in a few weeks time.

You have lots of time to think about it.

It is still a shock.

You and your DP may well decide you can cope with 3 close in age.

Good luck.

What specifically do you feel you won't be able to cope with? With more financial/emotional/practical assistance could you cope? Forget about nuts and bolts coping, do you definitely not want the baby?

I think you just need to be 100% sure of your choice and then ignore what everyone else says or thinks. A very hard situation to be in.

It is a massive step, (goes without saying) and socal services will want you to have the baby before you decide what to do. They will also try to dissuade you from this course of action. They will be very keen to support you in keeping the baby. Good Luck, I wish you well.

I don't 'think badly' of you, but if you were my friend, I would be worried tht you would thinkof the baby you'd given away every day for ever, and that there'd always be a whole in your heart.

If you kept the baby, it would be impossible for you (you haven't elaborated why) but I respect that. Would that last forever though? AT 6 and 4, you might find having children more 'manageable'...

I don't know your exact reasons so I don't know if the children being older would mean that you would find being a mother easier or not.

I hope you get plenty of support making your decision.

Yes, I do think I'm in shock but I honestly dont think that I could look after another baby ( I had bad PND with DS). My DP does have to agree to it and would if he knew it was what I wanted ( probably the wrong word to use I dont 'want' to at all).

I think that it is something that will be hard for you to do, you should accept any counselling and make sure that it is the right decision for you and your family. If you only found out about the pregnancy recently you may need to learn to accept it, im not saying this means that you will change your mind, but that you need to get over the iniatial shock and believe that it is really happening to you. You also need to discuss how you will deal with reactions and explain to your DS when he is older.

It is a possibility you may change your mind either at a scan or at the birth, I would say dont do it unless you are 100% certain, as it is not something you could reverse.

I think it takes huge courage to give a baby up willingly.

If you really really feel that you couldn't cope with another child, then maybe this is the right decision for you. But also maybe you are just in shock, and need a bit of time to get used to the idea you are pregnant again

I expressed that really badly. What I mean is that keeping the baby could make your life harder in the short term, but ultimately, thinking long term into your old age, it could be easier as you wouldn't have to live with that constant ache of wondering where he/she was, who he/she was....

If you had PND, change, PLEASE contact your GP asap. He/she can get you a psych referral.

You may have antenatal depression.

At any rate, speaking to a counsellor definitely needs to be arranged.

So difficult for you, an unimaginably hard decision. You say you know in your heart you wouldn't cope, do you think you could articulate why?

You must be utterly exhausted bfing and coping with a 2 year old.

The fact that you don't 'want' to means you need to explore every option.
Is it the pnd you are worried about ? You can get support , did you have any support with ds ?

Agree with expat. You need to start speaking to counsellors etc asap.

Giving up a baby is far harder than keeping a baby and coping so you really do need to get some counselling to help you get through this.

I do feel for you. You have two very young children. 3 children under 3 is bound to be tough, to start with. But, by the time your baby is born, your oldest might alreay be potty trained, he may be able to dress himself, and he will have a free part time place at preschool. Your babies will not stay this young forever, it may be a few hard years ahead of you, but then, when your youngest is 2, and your oldest 5 and already in school, it will be so much easier. And you may have 3 children who are close enough in age to be really good friends.

Medical problems, such as pnd and spd can be helped. They dont last forever either.

But the decision is ultimately yours and your dhs. And if you truly think you cannot handle the next couple of years, and can weigh it up against your ds asking "where did baby go" at the end of the pregnancy, and possibly missing your baby for the rest of your life, then you should go for it. And I dont think people will think bad of you. They may think "why on earth?" And they may try and dissuade you, so please be 110% sure this is the right thing to do before giving your child away.

I agree that you should get counselling and explore what help there might be for whatever the problems are that make you think you couldn't cope with another child.
I'd also like to say that, from the point of view of a person who was adopted as a baby, it's an OK thing to do. Being adopted doesn't harm a person and it can be a better option than growing up with biological parents who resent/don't want/can't cope with the child.

People have asked in what sense I wouldnt be able to cope...definately emotionally.
It would be difficult financially but I would live on bread and water if it meant my kids didnt have to go without anything. Practically we havent got much room but we'd cope. Emotionally and psychologically though I dont think I would. I have a long history of depression and have been on and off medications. I had help at the time with my PND with DS but have since stopped the medication. I havent had PND with DD but I still dont feel the same mentally as before I had kids. I think if I have this baby I would be putting all of the children at risk...by having the baby adopted i protect my 2 children and the baby.

If you are prone to depression, you have to consider how giving away a baby is going to affect you.

Please see your GP, change. NO matter what your decision, not feeling alright mentally will not predispose you to making a decision you can live with comfortably, and that will affect your family as a whole.

If you get nowhere with her/him, talk to your midwife, she can arrange for you to see a consultant who can refer you to psych.

As another mum I really want to support the decision you feel you have to make. As a woman, you have to weigh up those frightening first few years against the rest of your life. You obviously feel things deeply, would you be able to separate this baby from the two you would make such a sacrifice for?

changedid, i feel for you.
feeling as tho you are only just coping wiuth day to day life, is not 'better', and you could probably still do with some help.
i think the depression, and hormonally induced pnd, could be just as much of a problem whether you keep thebaby or not.
there is help out there, you just need to find it.
there are meds you can take while pg, to help you through this time.

I definately think only you can decide, my DHs sister was adopted for the sake of the 2 children MIL had i.e. DH and his sister. My MIL split with their dad anyway (baby wasn't his) and has spent a lifetime regretting it and is desperate to contact her. I am not saying you will regret it but what if she wants to contact you later? How would you deal with giving the baby up emotionally. You have said you don't want to so really make sure you do want to if you decide that is the best for you and your family.
It takes a huge amount of courage to be able to do this and I am certainly it won't be done without lots of thought. All the best to you all whatever you decide. Such a difficult decision and I hope you get all the support and help you need.

Oh gosh, how hard but is it possible that you will still have PND anyway and possibly be depressed about giving up your baby. Maybe I shouldn't say this but would a termination be easier to cope with - I hope this doesn't offend you or anyone else. I think you need to get some counselling to explore all the options - maybe even some temporary fostering for the early months to help you get through it.

I really feel for you. And what you are contemplating giving up...

Please don't jump to adoption as the right answer without exploring other ideas.... Short term fostering, any relations that can help - short term etc

Although.. I have heard local, informal adoption is on the increase.

This is boring, but I agree with everyone else that you need some support to come to a decision. A history of depression could well be affecting your thinking. Please do go and see your GP - it's possible you are depressed right now (as well as in shock, of course). With the right treatment, you get get a clear head so you know the decision you reach IS the right one for you and for your family.

may be the right thing for you to do

but consider the affect it will have on your existing children when they find out their new little baby brother/sister is being taken away

and they might react badly when older if you keep it from them now,

We normally hear of mothers who give up their baby for adoption when they're in very different circumstances than you: alone and not in a stable elationships, with no other children. So, your situation is very different.

I can't see how such decision can in any way be easier for you and your family to cope with than keeping the baby yourself. Have you thought about this? Also, your children will see your pregnancy progress and then will wonder what happened to baby, maybe. Or remember it well in the future. It might have a huge psychological impact on them.

I'm not saying adoption is necessarily the wrong choice, just how much it's going to impact on everyone.

Also, once baby is born they're your child just as the other two are, how are you going to feel about that? It's so sad.

No-one has any right to judge you for this, and you seem to be thinking about everyones best interests.

Do you think that you might be depressed at the moment, and that might be colouring your perceptions of how the future will be?
Hopefully your GP will be able to refer you for psychiatric help with your mental state at the moment, and after the baby is born.

You might find that over the next few months your other children becomes a lot more able and independent, making it easier for you to care for another baby.

There are charities that exist to help people struggling to cope with their children, maybe social work could get you some help that way when the baby is born?

Could you move to be nearer relatives who could help?

Try not to think too far ahead. If you do keep the baby in your family it might be easier to think of it in terms of coping one day at a time, rather than panicking too much about the bigger picture.

Good luck.

While I respect the fact that you are really trying to think about your immediate family's needs and your mental health and the impact of everything on everyone, I would urge you to find someone (professional) that you can talk to about all of the issues that have been brought to this thread.

Your own MH/depression needs will be sorely tested by any outcome of this latest pregnancy - whether or not you keep the baby - you will likely be put through the mill as you are between a huge rock and a hard place - it seems to me anyway.

The needs of your partner and especially your two little ones need to be considered very seriously for the reasons outlined so well by ethanchristopher and onestonetogo.

This will potentially have a massive ripple effect on all the people around - not to mention people outside your intimate circle of friends and family who will ask you about your pregnancy and afterwards will ask about the baby - you will need some help to know what/how much to share with close frineds and strangers alike. You will need help to decide upon your 'cover story' - so that you don't need to explain or justify your decision to all and sundry, but you need to be comfortable with what this is and how you share it.

Please do also consider the implications of this decisions upon your unborn baby. Thank you for considering adoption over abortion as your choice, but as a parent of an adopted DD I want you to know that this decision will (potentially) affect this baby very much. A great many adopted children - even those who have not encountered huge suffering - live with a sense of displacement or rejection. Your decision will eventually form the basis of this baby's life story and his or her sense of who they are and where they have come from. Adoption may seem like your only option, but it's certainly not the easy way out, for anyone.

Your decision is MASSIVE for you and for the baby. Please get some proper professional counselling help to work through all the issues and decisions that are facing you right now. Much respect to you for so trying to do the right thing - I don't have the answers, but would urge you to get appropriate help.

agree - get to the doctor. why have you stopped taking the medication for PND? if you have stopped taking it you are probably depressed again and may not be thinking straight?

catinthehat, was your directed at the OP or anyone else in particular...?!

I want to tell you a story..

I had my Ds1 when I was 19, then had DD1 when he was 2.5, when Dd1 was 9 months old I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had had PND after the birth of Dd1 and was on ADs at the time I fell pregnant. I was in shock and cried for days. I spent the whole pregnancy in denial and refused to even think about the baby. I remember one day when I was 28 weeks and on the hospital ward (I had a tough pregnancy, in and out from 27 weeks) turning to DH and saying I didn't want another baby, that adoption was my only option. I couldn't even think about the baby inside me, I didn't want another baby, the baby had 'forced' its way in, it wasn't how my life was supposed to be.

Anyway at 33 weeks I went into labour, and delivered my beautiful Dd2, as soon as she was born, and I saw her, I cried, because I had denied her for so long, she was helpless and needed me. It took me a while but I loved her. I have to say that Dd2 changed my life, I didn't have PND after her birth, and she could light up my life with a smile.

I feel so bad that I denied her for so long, and now when I look at her, I can't imagine life without her (she is 6 now) she is my angel, who came into my life to help me.

hi changed, I really want to echo what some other posters have said about it being much more difficult to give up a baby than to cope with one.

there is medication and therapy that can help with your depression. it CAN be sorted. you don't have to feel like this.
there is medication that is fine with pregnancy and breastfeeding. it isn't a one or the other choice.

I think that if you are depressed, then giving up a baby that you said yourself you don't want to give up could be horrendous for you.

I really hope you go back to your GP and request some counselling, sometimes having someone totally unrelated to everything can help you to see things in a different light.

do keep us updated

I agree completely with MissPollysDolly

Lovely post sparklygothkat

changedid

You cannot make this decision until you have a) sorted out your mental health NOW. YOu sound panicky and depressed, you sound like you feel trapped, you sound just like I did when I was pregnant with ds2, and I was horribly horribly depressed.

And b) - the SS won't let you put your baby up for adoption straight away, they will want you to try to care for him/her first. They don't snatch them and cut the cord on the way out. They are more likely to send you a social worker than an adoptions worker.

I hope you sort this out to your satisfaction but I truly believe that you cannot give a baby away unless you know with every fibre of your being it is the best thing to do, because if you don't, it will torture you.

Get your depression sorted first. Then rethink it. If you still come to the same conclusion, go for it, but please don't make this decision in a panic because it's not representative of what the rest of your life could be like.

I don't have anything to add other than what many have said on here - it may be the right thing for you and your family but please talk to your GP and HV and get the help you need to make thins difficult decision. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best x

changedid - How are you doing today? I have been thinking about this post a lot this morning...

You have to be mentally stronger to give a baby up for adoption than you do to keep the baby - that's how my birth mum viewed her decision.

Thankyou for all the helpful and supportive posts..ive just been reading whats been posted since I had to log off on sunday. I still feel confused. 'Onceinalifetime' brought up the option of a termination...its not something I could consider at this stage, i'll be 19 wks this week.
I've got an appointment to see my GP tommorrow...im going to ask him if I can go back on to Seroxat that I was on before and to refer me to someone to talk about my options regarding the adoption. I didnt realise I would have to look after the baby after it's born? Im not sure I could do that.
my other option is to possibly ask my sister to look after the baby until I feel better. Thanks SparklyGothKat and misspollsdolly for your posts they have helped me a lot.

I am adopted and found my birth parents several years ago. They later married and went on to have two more children who always knew about me and they always hoped I would find them. When I did I felt even worse than ever that I was the only child that had been "abandoned" and that I had always had a "real" family. My birth parents regretted their decision. Please take all the advice you can and get all the support you can before you make this decision.

Please ask him for a psych referral.

And perhaps for some help from Social Services because your baby may be able to be fostered temporarily rather than permanent adoption.

but would you not feel anything for the baby when was born?,could you really do that, only you know whats best, but if you really cant cope then thats up to you,but could you not have an abortion, i personally could not do it, but if thats what u have to do then do it. in think you should talk to someone about it as it wont be the end of your problems, what if you regret it and how would baby feel when older

'but would you not feel anything for the baby when was born?,'

reasons include: depression, hormonal problems like low thyroid, extreme anaemia.

those are just three reasons why a person can feel nothing for her baby after it's born.

untreated antenatal depression can also lead to low birth weight.

the OP does not want a termination.

i am not judging just asking, just hope everything goes ok for you

www.depression-in-pregnancy.org.uk/ I don't know if this forum will be of interest to you. I found myself in a similar situation this time last year and I now have ds2 (16 months) and dd (4 months). I had a lot of support from these people as I had antenatal depression with ds2's pregnancy and PND while pg with dd.
Wishing you courage and strength xx

Hello changedid. How are you feeling?

I had a baby adopted nearly 19 years ago and have a friend who went through the process just 3 years ago.

It is certainly possible to have the baby placed from the hospital and never care for them in any way yourself, if that is what you wish.

Giving up my baby is the hardest thing I ever did, and it had an immense impact on my entire life since, my personality and my character. I also went through a period of severe depression afterwards (the only depressive period I've ever had in my life). So please don't think it's an easy option.

Do feel free to ask me any questions you wish either on the board or by CAT if you prefer.

Changedid Please know that there is a huge demand for adopted babies. ENough that there are very strict criteria for adoptive parents. They are likely to have wanted children for a very long time and perhaps have been unable to have them. They will have had to jump through hoops to be 'allowed' to adopt. They will very often have been unable to have children of their own, and therefore be a little older and more financially and emotionally secure.

IF it is a path you decide to go down, you'll be making a couple very very happy.

However, please make sure you are sure, and take on board much of the advice already given on this thread!

Only you can judge if it is the right thing.

Yes, there will be repercussions for both yourself (and your dp) and the baby but only you can balance them against the likely repercussions for your family if you keep the baby.

I think if I were you, I would seek counselling and deffinitely keep adoption open as an option, but I would wait until the baby was born until making a decision - maybe even for a week or so after the birth. Don't pressurise yourself to decide during the pregnancy - it is not a decision that you need to make now.

That is such a big decision, only you can make it, I think that if that is what you feel is the right thing to do, then you should explore it more thoroughly, but I dont think depression will leave you because you have the baby adopted, that seems to have been part of your postnatal symptoms, and that will be no different if baby has gone.

I feel for you and wish I could say a wonderful thing that would make it all better. The fact that you are feeling this right now is heart wrenching, and I send you strength and hope.

I agree that no one can tell you if it is the right thing for you to do.

I have had PND and AND so can understand your worries on that score.

My mother put me up for adoption and changed her mind at the last minute. I can never forgive her as I spent the rest of my childhood in and out of children homes and foster homes. It was a truly awful time and one which I long to forget. I am 36 and still want a mum, any will do as mine is crap.

Please don't have your baby adopted. Please get all the help and support you can and work through this. This baby is meant to be here and you know what you will be missing out on if you give them away.

All kids want is their mum and dad. They don't need fancy clothes and expensive toys. I know my mother didn't want me and that feeling will never go.

I know this is different but it is a big leap from having had a baby to giving the next one up. I am probably in a minority of one when I say I don't think it is in the best interests of the baby to have them adopted. They would be safe with you, they would be loved by you, their dad and their siblings.

I wish you luck.

You are not in the minority. i do not think it is in the best interests of the baby to be adopted, unless there is no one in their family (including their extended family) who can give them a safe and loving home.

gooseyloosey - in the Uk mothers cannot legally relinquish babies until 6 weeks after the birth, although they can be placed with foster carers straight from the hospital.

Imnotamama Surely it would have been in YOUR best interest to have been adopted into a loving family that really really wanted you rather than messed around by a mother that couldn't make up her mind?

I don't believe that the maternal mother is the only or even best person to look after a baby. Any loving and committed person with the interests of the child at heart can do a fabulous job.

The OP has to be very very sure, but it isn't about 'giving away' a child or even not wanting one, - it is about giving the child a better start and oportunity than you yourself can give and giving a wonderful gift to a family that desperately want, and are set up to care for a child!

A baby will not be bounced around foster homes. There is a very high demand for babies for adoption!

And it IS possible to keep hold of a baby you know you are not capable of looking after, for selfish reasons!

Giving up your child is extremely hard even if you know it is for the best!

changedid, your situation is heartbreaking. As other posters have said, adoption has changed a lot and it would not simply be a case that the baby was whisked away and handed to adoptive parents straight out of delivery room - there would be a period of fostering, and lots and lots of counselling and social services liaison before anything was finalised - I would imagine the whole process would take a year at least.

I was fortunate enough not to suffer from PND so I can only imagine how frightened you are at the thought of going through that again, but that could still happen even without the baby present.

I think (with no medical knowledge) you sound depressed NOW. I had slight antenatal depression and spent most of the first two trimesters in tears. I didn't et any treatment and lied through my teeth at all MW appointments - I was terrified of being considered unfit. I was very silly and if it were to happen again I would seek help.

the problem is, the OP cannot be 100% sure and confident this IS the best decision for her, and her family, until she gets her mental health issues sorted out.

she needs to have these addressed before she can begin to discuss what the options are for her particular situation.

her partner sounds like he could do with some counselling, too, as this is also his child and he must consent to having it adopted out as well.

SG I would have felt rejected by my mother if she had had me adopted. It would have been best in some ways, not others, but it is a completely different situation to the OP's. My mother couldn't care less about me then or now. I was her only child.

The OP has children already and can't seriously be going to put the child up for adoption because they will struggle financially?

I know she has depression but I doubt they would let her make this kind of decision when she is ill.

It isn't always about a better start and giving someone else a family. Children just want their mum. Better start, etc smacks of materialism.

Does anyone seriously give their child up for adoption to give someone else a gift of a child?

I know my post will piss people off but I don't care tbh. Some things just need saying.

Absolutely Expat! I certainly would not encourage someone who wasn't sure, down the adoption route. I just think that the thread has been a little one-sided. The maternal home is NOT always the best place for the baby, and deciding to give a baby up for adoption a few years down the line is a lot more messy for all involved.

Also, I think I would be happier knowing that my mum gave me away at birth because she couldn't cope, rather than a few years later because she'd got to know me and didn't like me iyswim, especially if she'd kept her other children!

the other issue, quite sadly, is that this poor lady is part of a family.

not the same as a single woman who has been left on her own or who is very young or the like.

there are other siblings who will be affected so again, it's paramount that she get the help she needs to sort out her mental health.

changed, if you are out there, i hope you are getting some help from MN here.

please, please! i have AND. i struggle.

it's scary, the thought of having this one, even planned.

but there's help out there and there's help here.

But Imnot, stepping away from the OPs personal situation for a mo, you say a child wants their mum. The adoptive mother IS their mum.

And not to be harsh but it sounds like you feel rejected by your mother anyway. If I were the OP your story would push me further down the adoption route, not change my mind.

It isn't materialistic to be concerned that you cannot, emotionally and psychologically, give a child what they deserve. You don't have to be wealthy, or even very comfortably off to be a good parent. I know plenty of loaded people who I think are pretty shocking parents.

But a few years down the line I doubt this OP would then give her child up for adoption!

We are always going to be high emotive on threads like this when we have had personal experiences and it is hard to be objective.

To the OP please don't think I am getting at you, I am not, I am just trying to stop you making (what I think) is a mistake. Feel free to ignore me.

I have known my whole life my mother doesn't want me and it is defferent from finding out I was adopted.

Good God, I hope not. Having her child adopted is not what I want her to do at all.

I never said it was materialistic to not be able to provide emotionally. Obviously materialistically is money. I never said anything about what your last paragraph says georgimama.

starlight - i know of several adoptees whose birth parenst relinquished them but kept their full siblings and they found it VERY hard to accept this. especially as their birth parents were still together

i woudl expect that the Op baby woudl be in foster care for at least 6 months before SS woudl place him/her with adoptive parenst. They will try to get the Bm and other family members to visit regularly. As others have said, they woudl be concerned that the Bm was suffering from PND and was making a decision while she was ill

No but you said a "better start smacks of materialism".

I don't think (and you clearly don't think) that a better start actually means that, and when most people refer to a child getting a "better start" with their adoptive or foster parents I would imagine they are also referring to emotional well being rather than money.

i think that sometimes people ARE referring to money and social class when they talk of giving a baby a " better start". Though I'm sure no one posting here would mean that....

Better start usually means material things in lots of cases and the OP did mention they would struggle financially.

The couple who wanted to foster me had nothing but 30 years later write to me with much love.

The well off couple who did foster me abused me in every which way and I am still paying for it now.

ok, here goes.
I think the last post is spot on.
I am adopted and i knew that my mum was made to give me up when she was young and i have forgiven her for it.

I have two full siblings that she kept and they grew up with her and my birth father

I accpet this and Have dealt with this as part of getting to know them all in the last ten years.

I honestly think i would find it hard if i had been the third child of my birht mothr and father and the other two grew up in the family and i was given away

I do understand about a "better" life for a child, but different isn't always "better".

i know 2 adopted people who were devastated to find they had siblings once the stuff around their adoption came to light.

Soryy- i really really understand it must be hard for you and hope you find some resolution... please get some help for your depression and see what help you can get from family/friends/homestart/ss etc.

I just want to give you a hug and say it will be ok in the end, but there is a hard journey for you all.
Sorry

oops - you sound very together

if only you knew!

I am together on the stff regarding the adoption- i had a fair bit of counselling.

The rest of my life is crap but that bit is ok

Changedid, i hope you are still out the reading and thinking- being pregnant also makes you feel emotionally vulnerable too, doesn't it?

i wish you well, i really do.

Im sorry but I feel ive got to correct some people...ididnt say that I would give my baby up for adoption for 'a better life or start'...im not so shallow as to think that a family with more money would provide a better home. I said we would struggle financially but lots of families with 3 children would....but we could cope. This has nothing to do with financies.
If I keep this baby I run the risk of all my children going into care because I cant cope....I run this risk of my children literally being at 'risk.' I just wanted to explain my reasons.

Please get some advice.

i understand changedid - i have 3 young children with the youngest two very close together and they drive me totally crazy. I'm sure it would be even harder if they were all close in age.

I have never had PND so can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

But i think that it might be better for you all if you coudl get some help with your feelings and also some practical help for after you have the baby.It will be tough but I honestly don't see how giving away your baby will be any easier.

You will feel guilty for ever, no matter how hard you try to persuade yourself that you have good reasons. you will always worry about your child and how they are. you will have to deal with the reactions of your friends, family and community. your other children will not forget their sibling easily. It will affect the relationhsip between you and your partner.

There is no easy solution here. Keeping the baby will be very hard, but so will giving him/her away

Whatever you decide to do in the end changedid, I wish you the very best of luck. I also had horrific PND after my DD was born, she's nearly 4 now and I am still taking antidepressants, although in my my case there is a physical (underactive thyroid) as well as emotional cause.
For this reason (particularly that the underactive thyroid may get worse after another pregnancy), my DH and I have decided to stick with our gorgeous girl and not have any more kids. I think you are very, very brave for going through pregnancy a second time after your first experience, and if people want to look down their noses at you for doing what you genuinely believe is best for you and your existing family, it is there problem not yours.

Thanks MollyCherry

i have suffered from PND twice and AND three times.

i am currently pregnant with no. 3 and on antidepressants.

at 32 weeks, i have a joint appointment with OB consult and psych consult to determine my drugs treatment in the run up to the birth and afterwards.

PND robbed me and my eldest of much of a relationship for hte first 18 months of her life.

i went back to work FT when she was 8 weeks old and her father stayed home with her.

you are in no state to make decision to adopt out your baby.

sorry if that sounds harsh, but i'm just going off your posts here.

PLEASE sort this out and do NOT take it lying down so that you can make a decision you can live with.

and be honest. admit that you are so ill you fear keeping your baby will make you unfit and you will lose all your children!

if you get nowhere with your GP or midwife, see another in the surgery, follow the link red posted.

get your partner to fight your corner as well.

tell him you are ill and need help.

but please, please, changed, this is YOUR LIFE.

fight, fight, fight for it.

you will find support here in hte mental health section as well.

I just want to say, that having your baby adopted is a perfectly valid choice.

However, that is a choice that will be available to you right up (and indeed after) you give birth. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

Take your time to make an informed choice, once you have had time to think through what it will mean for your family.

I think from a mental health perspective it will be far from the easiest choice for you to take but with proper support it may prove to be the right way forward.

Getting some professional support to help you with these difficult decisions is crucial though - you should start putting that in place as soon as you can.

I wish you peace, whatever decision you take

More importantly, this is your baby's life.

Agree with expat, that this is your life and you need to be able to decide ensuring that you're in a position to do so which would include consulting the professionals to ensure that you are getting all the help you deserve.

Your ability to cope short term can be managed.

As long as it's a decision made from a position of strength, then fine. If you aren't feeling strong about the decision, then get help, please.

" if people want to look down their noses at you for doing what you genuinely believe is best for you and your existing family, it is there problem not yours"

MollyCherry If that is aimed at me, I suggest you take it back and apologise as I am not looking down at her for making this choice. I am trying to point out to her that I think it will cause her more pain than keeping the baby will. If she has the baby adopted she will get very little support for the rest of her life. If she keeps her baby, she will have support from all sorts of people.

I doubt a good social worker would let the OP just give her baby up for adoption anyway. The passing over or not period will include foster care until they know the op is of soundmind to make a decision

I actually think you need to see a therapist as i dont actually think its a normal reaction or brave (as others on here do) sorry. I think you sound scared and frightened and you need professional help not a forum of faceless women to make a decision

Changedid, how are you feeling today?

I just wish there was a way of sending help to you, no-one should be feeling as wretched as you sound.

From the title of your thread, I feel you have already made a decision about your baby. Do you think it could be a way of coping with your almost unbearably hard situation? In other words, however awful you feel, you have a 'solution' and that means you can get through the days at the moment? (I know that's the wrong word for the enormity of what you face, whatever you do.)

I can understand how it would be impossible to wait and see if you are able to feel better and more well; from such a sad dark place you need an answer don't you?

Mollycherry, I don't think anyone is looking down their noses, I think everyone on this thread is just worried that changedid is making a brave decision for good reasons which are actually fundamentally flawed and may live to regret this, forever.

changedid - you are a great mum. I can hear it in your online "voice". Get reliable advice. Some here is true and some is not.

I think you are thinking so much of your children - all of them. Remember to think about you. I, for one, will support and admire you, whatever you decide.

I don't want to comment on the ins and outs of your situation, but I do know that a period of depression is the worst time to make a life-changing decision.

I suspect, as other posters have suggested, your request to adopt wouldn't (and shouldn't) be as straightforward as you think.

It might even be worth a call to SS now to see if they can offer support for you all before the baby comes.

At any rate, professional support is definitely what you need.

Changedid. The people on here are not professionals, and you need to see a professional and listen to them.

It is NOT right to say that giving up a baby will be harder than keeping one. That is an opinion. Having watched a friend being sectioned and ending up in hospital for 4 months because she really couldn't cope with ther 4th child means that I have a slightly different opinion. It doesn't mean I am right and I accept that such situaitons are as rare as hen's teeth, but that is my opinion. Professionals will be able to make a more informed opinion and advise appropriately when you speak to them.

I was adopted. I am well aware that I was abandoned. I grew up in a house with very few material posessions and a brother who hated me because I was the cuckoo in the nest. Yet I seem to have had the happiest and most stable childhood of anyone I know. People thrive in the oddest of circumstances and there are outlyers on every curve.

Insist on seeing a psychiatrist, changedid. This is forum for people who will support you in what you do; what you need is excellent expert advice as well.

I can only agree that you need professional help now. I can totally see that having a third child now could put your current children and whole family at risk. However I would say that if you are so close to this, you should be getting help whether you are pregnant or not.

Forget the pregnancy for a minute, you owe it to your cuttent children to get help. Once you have got that you may find yourself in a better place to make the right decision for you and your family.

squiffy - i agree with you that changedid needs to get some professional advice and support in RL. But i don't think that anyone here has told her that "giving up a baby will be harder than keeping one".Most posters have emphasised that either option will be very hard and most importantly, she doesn't need to make that decision just now.

You mentioned the sad situation of your friend who developed postpartum psychosis. I'm not sure how relevant or helpful this is to the OP. As you point out, this condition is very rare, perhaps only one or two women in a thousand. The Op did not mention that she has any history of pyschotic illness, so there is really no reason to suggest that she will suffer from this treatable but distressing condition.

Besides, most doctors believe it is caused by hormones and NOT simply by having several children close together ( or a lot more of us woiudl have it!!). Your friend would probably have suffered this anyway, even if she had placed her baby in foster care

Changedid, have you been back to see your GP? How did you get on??

Kristina. I posted because I was upset by that very comment, made on Mon 08:56:19

And I am concerned that sometimes people who have not suffered a mental issue thems