Hi all, apologies in advance if this rambles a bit. I am a regular on mumsnet but am a reader rather than a poster so might not have the knack of efficient posting.

Anyway, I am 34 and have always known I was adopted (my birth parents were just 16 when I was born). Great relationship with mum (adoptive) and adopted sister and mum always made sure we knew that she was happy for us to trace. So, in August this year I got hold of my original birth cert and sent a message to my birth mother after finding her on t'internet. Anyhow, turns out she and my birth father are still together, been married for 28 years and have two daughters. We have communicated loads by email and have met up (I live in south england and they live in scotland so it was not hugely simple to organise) - meeting was really positive and we all got on great.

However, my mum is gutted and is really struggling with feelings of rejection and jealousy (despite my reassurances that I am not seeking an alternative family and that I still love and regard her as my mum). She is very gracious about it though, and wants me to do what is best for me. Other issue is that birth parents never told their daughters (17 and 21 yrs) about the child they had adopted and they say now that they need to tell them, and how do I feel about the girls wanting to be part of mine and my family's lives. Feels like they are waiting for me to give them the green light to tell their daughters. I have told them that I am happy for them to tell or to keep it a secret, as I don't want to feel the responsibility for their daughters taking it badly and it causing a potential family rift.

I talked to dh last night and he said that I am the one holding all the cards cos any decisions I make will affect everyone else's lives. I don't know what to do for the best.

Should I completely embrace my birth parents and my birth sisters into my family (dh, dd (4)and ds (20mths)) and risk hurting my mum, or just back off, "remember where my loyalties lie" and maintain an email relationship with birth parents at a safe distance?

Well done if you have got to the end of this! Thoughts from anyone gratefully received.
thanks in advance

What a fascinating story!
I would go for openness all round. The risk is, that your mother would never recover from her feelings of rejection. But most people do get over most things, given love and time.
If you back off, you risk undercurrents carrying on for years. eg your sisters will find out eventually. your children will find out they've got other relatives. your mother still may feel hurt and hide it. you yourself may feel that you missed an opportunity.

Given that I am never going to be in this situation, I would go for the openness route for the same reasons as nightynight - it would be harder to deal with in the future if it all came out then and hopefully for your mum, time will help with her feelings. Obviously it is a lot easier to say when it doesn't affect you! Good luck with whatever you do!

It's a situation very close to my heart, as I had a son adopted at birth 18 years ago, and hope one day he will choose to get in touch. (My boys 8 and 10 have 'always' known about him btw.)

However despite that I think I would urge caution upon you. Given that you only got the birth certificate in August, things are moving very fast. If you had made contact through a counselling service they would have encouraged you to take things far more slowly and gently.

I do think you should be giving your mum more time to come to terms with it all.

Thank you for your replies - they are really helpful.

NN and BB I am veering towards the openness route as I think that the longer this situation goes on in secret (with birth parents' daughters) the worse it will be when it (inevitably) comes out.

Roisin, I made a conscious choice not to go down the pre-counselling route (also it's not a requirement in scotland) as I have a good awareness and insight about how to deal with these situations initially (through my work). I have been very measured about the contact, ensuring that the three of us were comfortable at every stage of initial contact. My mum is very philosophical though, and knows that she will always be my mum, iyswim. I did talk to her about it beforehand and she was (and is) fully aware of everything that goes on with the situation.

It is interesting to hear that you told your boys from the start - I feel that this kind of openness is very healthy. I hope you get the contact you want at some point.

Thanks all. Much appreciated.

Your posts sound very loving and focused on everyone else's feelings - but what do you want? Do you want your sisters in your life?

I think everyone else can (and should) adapt to what you need to resolve your past - after all this really is all about you imo.

Hi Scotsbird, my ds was adopted though he's too young at the moment to have any isues for me to deal with (he's not yet two). I can only tell you what I would feel as his mum if he wanted contact with his birth mother.

I would encourage him 100% if thats what he wanted no matter that I probably would feel slightly anxious about it (which I think is pretty normal). It is his right to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his birth family and it is not for either them or me to dictate what should or shouldn;t happen. We all had choices about his adoption and he didn't. We all owe him the right for his life to develop in the way he wants it to.

In much more long winded way, I'm agreeing with ib - what do you want.

btw, I really don;t think that your b-mum should be telling you to make the decision of whether her girls are told. That is her and her partners choice and I think you probably need to say that to her very clearly.

If your mum loves you as much as I do DS (and it sounds like she does) she truly does want you to be happy, so you should do what makes you happy. I think it wouldn't be a bad thing to tell her (if you haven't already) that you love the fact that despite it hurting her that she is prepared to support you and that you need some time to weigh up the curiousity about your birth family against your desire to protect her.

I wish you luck.

and I agree with roisin - there's no hurry is there? You can mull things over for a little while.

I love Kewcumber, she is always so thoughtful and forthright with her posts. I agree you need to have a long conversation with your mam. I am sure if you was in her situation you would long for your child to have contact with her birth family but, be very nervous and jealous to, I think it would be a truly remarkable person who wasn't, so I say again do what kew says and include her .. which I am sure you have.
As it happens, my dniece's bio father did a runner when she was 19 months, she and her mam had gone to do the weekly food shop and he just disappeared, he never contacted her again, he never paid maintenece even with the csa involved. He wrote a letter when the csa finally traced him 2 weeks before her 18th, shocking really and wants to be a major part of her life, even now 9 months later dn is so traumatised that she only saw him the once, but he sends weekly letters ... now. He had married on her 2nd birthday to someone he had met 3 months earlier! He hadn't told his wife or kids anything and his parents had colluded too keep her a secret he wants her to tell them who she is ... I'll not go any further as it makes me mad.
Except to say, had you thought about going for counselling for just you and your mam.

OOh I have a fan! Does forthright mean mouthy?!

na kew, course not, I always thought forthright ment direct and to the point. I like you, I'm just not a big fan of the scarletts I prefer the quinns!

Scotbird have you thought any more on your options, You know the more I think about it the more I feel your birth family copped out a bit by never telling their younger girls about you, society has changed so much in the last 30 years that it should not be taboo anymore. I can't understand them not having said anything at all and I think they are still coping out a bit by insuating that the descion to tell their girls should be yours. Not very parenty is it really. sorry.

Hi All, great to hear from so many more of you - different opinions really help to put things into perspective. As I said before I really appreciate your time over this ...

KC, my birthparents arent strictly asking me to make the decision about whether they should tell their daughters, but I think its more to do with the fact that they dont want to tell them about me if I have no intention of letting the girls into my life in some way. I have made very clear to b-parents that I am not responsible for their decision. I have also made it very clear to my mum that it is very much a testament to her great parenting that I am feeling so emotionally stable about this now - she is in no doubt how I feel about her. It's good to hear from someone in the same situation as mum.

WL I agree about them not having told the girls before now ... Its probably not the way I would have done it, but ....

What an awful thing for your niece - her dad doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world.

Thank you all again, you have given me much food for thought and confirmed some of my feelings on this.

it sounds like like you're handling it well given the circumstances. I think its a bit odd to only tell your half sisters if you're going to be part of their life. Like if you decide not to them you don't exist!

Good luck - do let us know how you get on.

Wideload - were you formerly known as BGD?

I would say that if you start spending birthdays and significant holidays with birth parents then your mum would have "real" grounds for anxiety. Now it's probably just fear of the unknown and the thought of "losing" you despite you being an adult with children of your own.

Do you have siblings in your adopted home?

I'm adopted. My adoptive mum also encouraged me to find my BM.

However when I did, she immediately felt like your mum, and as an adopted child this puts you in a fairly horrid situation.

My adoptive mum was my mum, not bm. However I felt angry, that what most people know automatically carried such a huge burde of guilt for me.

I didn't keep in contact with my bm as she lives in Canada, and was a bit too possesive, which made me feel completely smothered.

I know exactly how you feel, and don't have any answers for you. i reassured my mum, that she was by mum, and bm was just a vessel, but it was a very difficult situation. Hoope it works out for you

Scotsbird I too am adopted and on tracing my bm discovered that she was married to my bf and had gone on to have 4 more children (all boys).

Unfortunately my adoptive parents never once told me I was adopted and kept it a secret from me (although I actually found out when I was 11 by overhearing a conversation). I knew they felt unable to talk about me being adopted and this made me feel unable to mention it to them so when I went to Uni I traced my birth parents without telling anybody mainly because I just wanted to know who they were and who I was. It was a very stressful and emotional time for me and led me to practically having a nervous breakdown from the stress of all the secrecy so I finally told my family a year or so after tracing my birth parents. By that point I no longer cared what the consequences were.

It did turn out well for me in the end though as I have now enjoyed an 18 year relationship to my natural family and my children know them as grandparents and my brothers as Uncles etc. My adoptive family are also very close to me and I have separate relationships with each family.

I am glad you seem so together about it all. I am content with my situation now but there is not a day goes by that I don't wish I had never been given up.

I wish you luck and I agree with another poster who said it is really what is best for you and your family that counts now as all the others made their decisions when you were born and you had no choice in the situation.

Thank you for all your stories - they are really so interesting to hear. Adoption is such a fraught area, isnt it?

sKMum - yes, have a younger adopted sister, and this is another part of the problem. My mum keeps saying that all this will be upsetting her (my sis) but this has a distinct feeling of projection (iyswim). Oh, I dont know.

fizzbuzz, interesting that you refer to your bm as a "vessel" - I had never really thought of it like that before. My bm doesnt seem possessive or anything like that, but it was really weird when we met and she touched my hair (to feel whether it was the same texture as my b sisters').

23balloons - I suppose the outcome that you have achieved is the same as the one I hope to achieve, but how do you get the balance right and keep everyone happy? I am glad I havent had to keep it all secret, although I have to rein in any excitement from my mum and appear to be really measured about it.

The story has changed a little since I first posted - they have told the girls about me and apparently they were really shocked (but in a good way as they thought their parents had sat them down to tell them they were divorcing!). They are very curious about me and my life and I reckon I will be hearing from them soon ... not definite, but a feeling I have in my water ....

Anyway, if any of you have got to the end of my ramblings then well done ... it is nice to just type and let thoughts flow out.

I would definately go for the openess route. I was adopted over 36 years ago when I was just a few weeks old. Around 6 weeks ago I suddenly had a letter from an adoption charity letting me know that my birth family wish to get in touch. I happily received a letter from my BM and one of my Birth Sisters and wrote back to them(all done through the charity). In this time I hadn't found the right time to tell my adoptive parents. I eventually told them this week and got the shock of my life. They are very happy and excited for me. My mum is well and truly over the moon for me.
Today I received more letters and have swapped email addresses with some of my birth siblings(there are a few. lol). I have kept my mum informed of this and chatted to her about it.
So I really think it's important to be open. I was petrified my parents would be so upset, and was nicely surprised.
Deep down, your adoptive parents will have known that one day all this could happen. It will still be a shock to them now it has, but they will adjust. Keep on reassuring them that THEY are your parents and always will be.
It is horrible to feel like piggy in the middle. Thats how I felt at first. But it is your life and future, and you need to do what is right for you.
Good luck and as we are going through the same thing at the same time, I am hear if you want to chat.

x

Kew, I have been many many names, I am a serial name changer, but, I have never been BGD or for that fact anything begining with a B. Lol.

You are a remarkable woman Scots bird, it must be so obvious to you and your sister that your mam is so scared because you have found your bfamily, and she is worried that she will go from two 'little girls' too none. The way I see it is your mam adopted you with the thoughts that you would never be able to trace your bfamily, as it was never on the cards that tracing was an option 30 years ago. When tracing became an option, she got scared but pushed it to the back of her mind as something that would more than likely happen in years to come, and she would be a brave and supprotive mam, but she still pushed it away. Then you tell her you are going to trace probably 15 years after she excepcted you too, it must of been a hell of a shock. (BTW I am not saying you dropped the news in a bombshell sort of way, I am saying thought hat even if you eased into this with your mam it would of felt that way to her!) Especially if your child gets to 30 and has never mentioned it before then, bang gives you a fait au compli, it must be so hard, such a shock, give her time and maybe go to joint councelling. What is true though, is, everyone had a choice except you, and your sister and birth sibs in this matter.
With your work have you come across any mam's that feel like your mam does, I wonder if there are any support groups that could help her.
Cor, I do ramble on.

i had the same thing happen, and i was freaking out about telling my adoptive mum that i had contacted my birth mother.

then my adopted mum fell and was rushed to hospital and had a fracture reapir. I just had to tell her the night before the GA what i had done... i was too scared of losing her and having unfinished business IYSWIM.

she just wept and said she was happy that i would have a mum when she died...

my already high opinion of my adopted mum went throught the roof at that
she was such a strong and kind woman.

she died abotu 2yrs ago- and my birth mum is nowhere near the person she was . i am sorry to say that although i think it was right to contact her, and i do love her, she has caused alot of bad feeling from some of her actions. My adopted mum was even talking about how much pain my birth mum had caused pretty much on her deathbed.

anyway, not not how this will help you- but act very very cautiously.
having a new birth family is like embarking on an affair- it really feels exciting and taboo and crazy.
You adopted mum needs you more than you need you brith mum at this stage i reckon.
Go slow and take are of the love you have.. don't get too carried away with the new family, I hope it won't, but it may not be so idyllic as it seems

Scotsbird - I too am adopted and have traced my birth mum. I met her and liked her very much and we exchanged letters and spoke on the phone quite regularly for a couple of years. However, I stopped contacting her about two years ago because she clearly would like to meet my children (her grandchildren) and be involved in our lives to some extent, and I could see no way of doing that without hurting my adoptive mum really badly. However a few months ago I finally managed to tell my adoptive mother that I had traced my birth mother. Like yours, she is not at all happy about it and now I feel worse than ever as I feel I have let down both of them.
I really advise you to take it slowly, I rushed into contact with my birth mum and now I have hurt her, hurt my adoptive mum and I feel crap about the whole thing - and also slightly like a juicy bone being squabbled over by two hungry dogs.
Sometimes I really hate being adopted.

RosaT that is a terrible situation to be in. It is really unfair of your Mum to make you feel that way. I hope you find a way to work it out as its not your fault you were adopted.

you haven't let anyone down Rosa even if you feel that way. Realistically both "mothers" will have considered the possibility of you having birth parent contact and lets me honest you didn't have any choices at the time so I think it's probably your turn now.

Obviously it isn't that simple as you woul obviously prefer not to hurt anyone but ultimately this is your life and you need to do what feels right for you. It may take a litle time yet, 2 years is no time at all really with such an emotive issue.

I hope that when time lends a little distance you can get a resolution that works for you.

Rosatransylvania, that is EXACTLY how I feel. My bm had no other children, and went mad for my ds. I had to choose to back out, as I knew it would just upset my adoptive mum.

The guilt and pain were just too much to carry on behalf of my adoptive mum. I felt resentful and annoyed rather than angry.

I think it is one of those situations that seem quite clear, until you are involved in it. Then when emotions become involved it is very hard.

Also when I was adopted there was no contact between any people involved, and at the time (in the 60's) it was expected to stay that way. So as times moved on, and it became a more open situation, people who adopted children at that time didn't find it that easy to move on with the open aspect of it all

That's it Fizzbuzz. I was adopted in the 60s too and as my adoptive mother pointed out 'we were promised by the adoption agency that there would never be any contact'. OK but nobody had the right to promise something on my behalf. I actually have huge feelings of anger and resentment about the whole way adoption was conducted back then - in my view a lot of it amounted to no more than legalised kidnap - but of course I can't put that point of view to my adoptive mother who would be horrified, and in fact views the way things were done in the sixties as a very good system.
There is no way of explaining that it can make the adoptee feel like a package without a return address.
I am not ungrateful for being adopted. I love my family and I am quite sure that I have had a much better life than I would have had otherwise, but not only is it not completely straightforward emotionally, it is very difficult being under pressure to pretend that it is straightforward.

I just bowed out of the whole thing, it was too much.

My adoptive mum died last year, and I do think about contacting my bm again, but never seem to manage it. She will NEVER replace my adoptive mum, and tbh my main interest is genetic rather than emotional. I also feel my dc should know about my heritage, but the guilt doesn't really go away......

it certainly is different now. One of my lingering sadnesses is that DS will probably never get the chance to have any information about let alone meet his birth mother . I'm doing a birth parent search on his behalf now before the trail goes too cold but its not likely that I will find anything.

Every time I log back into this thread there are more amazing stories. I think that it was Oops who said that contact with bparents is like having an affair and I think this is a really good description of it. There is quite a feeling of excitement about the whole thing.

Rosa2, I think you are so lucky that your adoptive parents are delighted for you - that must help you to feel really secure. I don;t want to give the impression that my mum is devastated because she isn;t, rather she seems to be experiencing feelings that she didn't expect to feel.

Rosa and fizz, did you not feel that there was any way to have a relationship with both sides like 23ballons has with both her adoptive and birth families. Rosa, 2 years is a long time to be in contact with someone to then stop completely. It must have felt like quite a loss? I am concerned about bparents and my children - my mum is their gran, so what does this make bparents?

I think that as adoptees we can end up being the ones racked with guilt about our (only natural) curiosity and need to know about our roots. As Kewcumber (and others) have said - we weren't given any choice at the time the decisions were made about our adoptions, so does this not give us some rights of expression now? I am not sure if this is right, but it feels a little like this in my head, like its my turn.

Wideload, the work I do only brings me into contact with those who have had children removed and placed/freed for adoption. So I am around at the start of the "adoption journey". Nowadays there are far more measures in place to create life stories for adopted children and letterbox schemes which hold letters from birth parents etc.

More rambling from me - apols, but I am really enjoying being able to chat to others in the same situation.

Rosa2 - you mentioned that you suddenly had a letter from the adopted charity - can I ask, had you registered with them? or did the letter just come completely out of the blue?

My mother has emotional blackmail down to a fine art. I am tired of always being the mediator and the conciliator and having to consider everybody else's feelings all the time. Easier just to give up and opt out.

I name this post; A thought for the future!

Cor, I do think a lot of myself!

When my kids were born they had 4 great grans and 2 grans. It was a lot. dh had 1 Nanna and a Nanma! and his mam is Nannie, I had 1 Gran and 1 Granny and my mam is Granma. My sisters girls call their other gran. Granna.
So plenty of names to choose from. Oh, a thought, my dad is for some bizarre reason called Grandpappy!! (but, he's always been a law to himself!!) or Grandpaps for short. I would take out what your kids already call their grandparents and whatever you called your maternal Nan and choose another name for your BM, and she has to stick with what you decide. That way it is one less chance of you upsetting your mam.
Take care,

can someone please explain something to me.

I have no idea how any of the system works.

I want to know if my bm has tried to make contact with me at all..

I don't actually want to meet her, but would hate it if she had left a letter etc for me that I never got to see.

Could I be contacted without registering anyway?

I would like my bm to know that I had a very happy childhood and understand the decision she made and in fact am really pleased that I was adopted as I had such great parents and brothers.

I have no real need to met her as I don't feel that I am missing anything as I really don't believe that my life could have been any better etc, even though both my mum and dad have now passed away.

Someone asked me the other day whatabout your DD, what if she asks and you don't know anything about your BM, so now part of me feels that maybe I should make some sort of contact for my DD sake but not sure about that at all...

Anyway after all the waffle what I really want to know is the process for finding out bm.

I know my real name, dob and place and that is all really (got a typed list of bm features and hobbies etc) but don't know what adoption charity etc that it went through..

Any help appreciated... I am almost 40 and it has only just recently become an issue for me!

.

.

Gosh this is all interesting stuff, and something that my DS may have to face in future (but not for a while as only 9 months). I live overseas where he has no legal right to trace his birth parents, but I have his BM's name and current address so he'll have a starting point at least.

What concerns me, though, is I know enough about the birth family to know there is some nasty stuff in there and I wonder how to handle that. Have a while to worry about it though.

Does anyone know whether girls are more likely to trace their birth families than boys?

And to those of you tracing at present, best of luck.

Heifer. I am currently going through the process of tracing birth parents. Like you I have no wish to meet them but I am hoping to find out some medical information (I started another thread about my search a few months ago).
I had more information than you so could contact the adoption agency direct. However, I am now using a 3rd party to trace all the information. They told me that as well as the adoption agency the local authority where I was adopted may still have files referring to my case.
The organisation I am using is called After Adoption. They have offices in Manchester, Cardiff and Leeds. I am sure that there are other organisations that do the same job but I have been impressed by them so far. They provide all sorts of services, including counselling.
I find posting about it really helpful because very few people know about my adoption. I feel as if I have been living a lie but now I am 40 it is almost too late to 'tell the truth'. (Again I have another thread on this dilemma!) It really helps to get other people's point of view in an anonymous forum, but also know that fellow posters care.
Sorry that went on a bit. Wishing you luck in whatever you decide to do.

ONM - based on the work we did on our prep course, I would say that there isn't a predisposition of either gender towards wanting to search rather it is based on the nature of the person and the degree of curiousity they have about their genetic roots. Like my sister and I - I love to research our ancestry wehreas she really couldn;t be less interested in the people she hasn;t met. It also seems that certian life events can trigger the need to search in many people who have previously been uninterested eg birth of their own child, death of a parent.

As for dealing with unpalatable infomration - we had to dicsuss a real life situation where a child was born to a 12yr old girl as a result of rape by her step-faterh who was subsequently jailed for the attack. Our discussion (subsequently confirmed by social workers) was to feed little bits of information over time that were age appropriate. Eg you start with a very young child saying that their tummy mummy (or whatever phrase you use) was very young. Then expand that to "still in school" etc. We all still felt that it was important to be honest (gradually) even with such dreadful information particularly as in this case it would have been easy for the child to find out.

Of course now I have a child, the thought of having to break such news would be daunting and I would be tempted not to. I still think its right that peopel should know everything they can about what made them.

Sorry Heifer - I don't know the process, but I'm sure someone else does.

Thanks KC.

Over here it is SO easy to adopt (once you work out the red tape) and there's no pre-preparation required. So you're left to prepare yourself, and sometimes you wonder if you've prepared enough. Makes you worry about the kids whose parents don't prepare, for example a lot of kids aren't told they're adopted.

Sounds like it goes too far the other way in the UK though, i.e too many hoops to jump through.

Heifer, can't remeber how the system works. I think you apply for a copy of your birth certificate, and then you have to agree to counselling before you go any further.

I know you have to have counselling about it. I was based in Manchester at that time, so used After Adoption who were very good.

I have to say, I never had a burning desire, it was more curiosity than anything else, and also to know about genetics atc.

TBH meeting my bm was a huge non-event. I felt no desire to keep in touch, in fact I found it smothering. I don't regret meeting her, but had no real wish to maintain contact

thanks openingacanofworms

I had a look at after adoption website, but am now even more confused!

I really don't know where to start, so I think I will have to bite the bullet sometime and phone up - really would have preferred to do this online!

I do have some paperwork (2 certificates) but don't really tell me anything.

they do have entry numbers on so that may help with my search, but not on the database I got linked to, it only asked for details that I don't have (adoption agency, birth home etc)..

I have no idea why I suddendly want to do this - I have had no interest in the last 39 years! then suddendly I am frustrated that I can't do it all online!...

Heifer, I went through it all about 6 years ago (But despite having a name and address and number, I never made 'that' call, primarily because I didn't want to risk upsetting my adoptive mum).

Anyway, I decided that I would leave my contact details on the register in case my real mum had been looking for me, because I couldn't bear the thought of someone out there possibly being deeply unhappy about their decision back in the 60's. I made an assumption that if that was the case then my BM would have found the contact register and left her details on it. Turns out that this hasn't happened in my case, so I've left my details and moved on..

anyway, here is the register I went onto... there may be others but this is the one social services told me about..

sorry - wrong link. Have just checked google again and this I think is the official one linked to social services

thanks squiffy, I will take a look at that - sorry you didn't feel that you could make the call, maybe one day you will.

It may well be that I decided not to proceed, but at the moment I want to get as far as I can until I have to make some big decisions etc.

If you got on great with the birth parents what do you have to lose by meeting the sisters? I think its worth meeting them at least. They may feel put out that they're not the first and onlys but they may be thrilled and you might find you have quite a bit in common (its not unlikely )

A friend of mine got in touch with each birth parent and found half brothers and sisters on both sides, and actually while he has little contact with the parents these days he loves the siblings and they stay in touch.

I know its scary, but if you've done it once already you can face it again.

all the best of luck with this one!

Heifer.
As it happened I had been to the Social Services in the County that dealt with my adoption in December last year. As I was adopted before 1973 I had to have what they call a 'One off councelling session'. It's just to let you know the pit falls and the good things that happen about finding your birth families, they then gave me the details for an adoption charity who could then help me if I wished to take it further, ie- they would request my adoption file and then if I wished tried to trace my BM. I knew which County etc I was adopted from so that bit was easy. But then with Christmas and a few other things happening hear I never carried on with the search. During all this time, my one Birth Sister was trying to trace me. She had left messages on adoption sites etc. She eventually tried Social Services in the same County and they found me pretty much straight away. Granted it helped because I had been to SS already a few months before. But it wouldn't really have taken much to find me anyway without that.
So if you know which County you were born and adopted from contact the SS's for that County and they should be able to help.

rosa2 - thanks for that. I do know where I was born and what county court dealt with the adoption so that is a starting point.

Think I will probably take it very slowly and decide each point at a time and not rush into anything..

Hi to everyone, I just wanted to give you an update (if you are interested of course!) and let you know how things have panned out with my original issue. This was really about my birth parents telling my birth sisters about my existence (bparents got married and subsequently had two more daughters).

After loads of really helpful musings and advice from posters on this thread I told them that I thought that they should tell the girls, particularly as we were going to continue building up our relationship. I explained that I thought it would be a more contentious issue if they left it for a few years and then told them that I had been part of their lives for a while.

So ... they told the girls and it was really positive. The girls said that they were really excited about the fact that they had a sister, and that they wanted to meet me. As I live in England while they live in scotland it makes it easier to take things at a more steady pace so I have said I will meet them while I am up home for Christmas.

Fingers crossed and thank you all for your time and thoughtful words - they really helped.

Gosh, there seems to be a lot of us around!
Like RosaT, when I was adopted my adoptive parents were told there would never be any possibility of contact with my BM.

When I traced my BM I told my adoptive parents because I couldn't bear the thought of doing something as important as this behind their backs. It was a huge shock for them. I felt that my adoptive father understood why I had done it but adoptive mother has found it difficult to come to terms with and simply will not discuss it.
I discovered that my BM was not the scarlet woman that my adoptive mother had always described her as. She'd had an 18 month relationship with my BF before she became pregnant. He was in the United States Air Force and in those days if a U.S. serviceman got an english girl pregnant they were shipped off to another base.
I discovered that my BM had a twin brother and I first made contact with him. He spoke to her and by the time I met him he told me that she wanted to talk to me on the 'phone.
Ironically, a couple of year after I was adopted she got married (not to my BF)and her husband was unable to have children so she has an adopted son of her own.
He has always treated me as a sister, and when his daughter was born sent me a photograph with the words "Here is your beautiful niece" on the back.

Tread carefully and take your time, Scotsbird. You sound so thoughtful and kind, not wanting to hurt people's feelings but this can be an emotionally draining experience for you too. Take plenty of time between each step of this journey.
I wish you well.

Hi Ladies
Thought I would give you all an update on my story. I met my bm and one of my bsisters for the very first time yesterday. Me, my dh and our 2 children went. It was lovely, we all had big hugs and then basically sat and chatted about anything and everything. Takingthe children helped because they helped break the ice as you could kind of be busy dealing with them whilst getting more relaxed.
I had even taken some photos of me growing up, which my mum and dad gave me to take to show them, so I went with my parents blessings. Although I had an hour long 3rd degree over the phone last night. lol. But can't blame them.
It was a lovely day. I can't descibe how I feel now, happy yes, but also strange, it's like you have been told of your adoption since time began so it's always been like a story you are told as a little girl. Then suddenly this story has come true and you are meeting the characters from this story.
God, does that make sense? lol.
Anyway, next month we hope to meet my other birth sisters which will be nice as we have all been chatting on msn and email so we seem to get on.
I know a few of you don't want to actually meet your bm's, and all I can say is, go with your feelings. As the adopted child, you do feel like piggy in the middle, but remember, it's YOUR life.
Take care all

x

I'm so glad to hear that your meeting went well. If your parents are anything like me, they will be desparately curious about your birth parents. You shouldn't consider yourself "piggy in the middle" but "the centre of the universe", or even several universes! Good luck with everything.

Hi everyone, each time I log back into this thread there are more fascinating stories! Rosa, your meeting sounds great, and I can really see the advantages of taking your dh and children. I hope your meeitng with your birth sisters goes well - let us know how you get on!

Christie, I am trying really hard to be cool, calm and measured about every aspect of this "journey" but like yours my mum (adoptive) is increasingly not Ok about the whole thing. She told me the other night that she thinks birth parents only want to meet me because they feel guilty for putting me up for adoption all those years ago (I know this is not the case and that they are genuinely interested in ME). She has also said that my birth sisters are only my sisters through "an accident of birth" and I can't describe why but this really cut to the quick when she said it (I am not the type of woman who gets easily upset so I was surpised by my reaction).

Kewcumber, you said that you would be curous about your ds's birth parents and I think that this is a testament to you rather than an across the board feeling on the part of adoptive parents - I wish my mum felt like you do!

Finished blethering on now, am off to have a cup of tea. thanks for listening!

Scotsbird - "only by accident of birth" , well adoptive siblings are only siblings through "accident of social worker". I sort of know what she means, ie you haven't a lifetime of shared experiences that you have with the siblings you grew up with but am really shocked that she said that to you.

I understand that she may feel very threatened by your search but really, that is her issue to deal with (however hard) and alienating you over it is not exactly going to make you less likely to want to know.

It's easy for me to pronounce on the topic however as I'm some years of having to face this in reality.

I also think adoptive parents are far better prepared now for the fact that many children wheo were adopted do want to know as much as possible about birth parents. And whatever we feel about that I think that most of us accept that fact in return for the priviledge of raising that child. I can't imagine not being curious about DS's birth parents - they are part of what made him who he is and I adore him. I would love to know what of his personality and abilities are inherited and which uniquely his from lord knows where, where his beautiful eyes and smile came from etc. I occasionally (birthdays, Xmas etc) draft letters in my mind to his BM as I sometimes fell that she is the only other person who (in a parallel world) would have felt the same about him as I do. Of course that may be a romanticised image of her, but I can't help it!

hi there. i too am adopted and hve found my birth mum, nearly 20 years ago now. we have a fantastic relationship. of course when i was adopted in 1960 things were very different and adoptive parents were assured that the bm would never know anything more of the child and vice versa. it is of course distressing then for the adoptive parents to feel anything but apprehensive. i fully understand why your bm has not told your siblings also, as that puts more pressure on the family unit. i am a foster carer now and foster pre adoption babies. its all a very different story now. each child has a lifestory, in 2 parts. a personal history of time spent with bm (which the bm can contribute to if she feels able) also a part of the time spent with the foster carer including milestones etc and then there is the part from social services which the child can read when they are old enough to understand detailing the whole process including their part in the proceeding......gosh i am waffling. what i wanted to say that i dealt with it and still do by keeping my two lives completely seperate. my children now in their 20's do too without ever being asked to do so just seemed to sense it was the best thing to do.
enjoy both your families and god luck x

I've been through something similar, my birth mother found me in 2000. I get on fine with her and her two sons, I consider them brothers yet see her as more of a friend. When she originally found me I was already going through a very difficult patch in my life. Although I was completely open minded about the situation the reaction from my adoptive mother and brother (Dad is always cool about stuff) really pissed me off. It became about them and how she felt. At the time I muddled through but now I really resent her for it. This is about you as the adoptee, no one else. Don't be guilt tripped into putting their feelings first, this is too important. Her feeling insecure is not your problem, its hers. Sorry if I sound harsh, just a tad bitter from experience.

hi all, can I hope on here?!?

was adopted in 1976 and all I managed to do was see a copy of original birth cert and my adoption records at the court when I was 18

have done nothing since and not sure if I should or not, everynow and then I take a notion to do it but never seem to get round to it

the link to the social services earlier was only for England and Wales, anyone know where to start for Scottish adoptions?

I have an adopted DD and I hope that, one day, she will have a good relationship with her birth parents, who live locally. I am gradually telling her her story - very gradually - as she is only 3. I have two birth sons and I think that helps me not to feel possessive towards her - her birth parents had many problems of their own which meant they were not able to parent her, but I know they love her.

I think you CAN have your birth family and your adoptive family in your life, but you need to move slowly so that you are not overwhelmed, both by joy at having found them and grief at having lost them in the first place.

dizzy - have you accessed your records held at the Registrar generals office in Edinburgh? Have you registered with Birthlink?

general registrar office

birthlink

sorry didnt really answer your other questions. of course, no one but you can decide when / if its the right time to seek further information about your birth family. everyone is different. the fact that you have never got around to it probably means that this is not the right time for you. you will know when you want to move forward on this

you coudl go for counseling to help you explore these issues, with no comittenmnt to making any kind of contact

kristinaM I saw my original birth cert at edinburgh and they pointed me in direction of court that dealt with the adoption and I saw the adoption records there

have done nothing since

Okay!

I am not adopted, but my sister was and she contacted my mum when I was 18!

She kept in contact with my mum, - and although it wasn't a secret from her parents, she didn't make involve them or talk to them about it as she knew it hurt them.

As a consequence I know her, and have a good relationship with her, but have never met her parents or her sisters, and tbh wouldn't want to. They aren't really anything to do with me. Her other adopted sister isn't related to me in anyway!

So, - I think bringing in your half-sisters into YOUR family is a little inappropriate (unless everyone involved thinks it is a fab idea)!

BUT, maintaining a realtionship with your Bfamily, is not inappropriate. However, you can underplay this to your parents for their protection!! No lying, - but minimise mentioning them!!

Funnily enough, the last post from Starlight is the one thing that would worry me about my children searching for their birth parents.

We have a lot of information about dd's family, none about ds1's. While I am very supportive of them searching when they are older, the one real worry I have is that one will find "a family" and the other won't. I know that if dd finds and has a relationship with her birth mother and wider family (which is very likely), I would be very upset if they didn't look on ds as being her brother because he is. I would prefer to include her other relations into "our" wider family, than have her included (but not the rest of us) into "their" family.

I just think it's sad that you think of your sister's adoptive sister as being "no relation".

Does that make any sense?

maryz: It's the way it turns out! She declared herself as such.

She was adopted too, - but never found her birth mum and soo his heaping guilt onto her sister (my half-sister) and downright refused to see or acknowledge us. It influence the way I saw her. Nothing at all against her though - never met her!

I guess these things are never straightforward and can depend massively on the people involved!!

Sorry starlight - I wasn't blaming you in any way when I said it was sad. I was just pointing out that there is more to encouraging adopted children to trace than just being supportive and hoping there will be a happy ending. As my children get older and closer to the day when they will go out into the big bad world I find myself more concerned about what will happen than I was when they were little.

When they were small I was absolutely certain that I would encourage their curiosity, and support them in their search. As they get older I am so much more aware of the pitfalls, and want to protect them from rejection.

ds hasn't a hope of finding any information about his birth family, and unfortunately he is the one who is most interested and most likely to search. He is also the most vulnerable as he has had a lot to deal with in his short life. I really hope that if dd finds her birth family he will be happy for her, and I hope they accept all of us if you know what I mean.

It must be really hard for the adoptors! Even if they are happy for their DC to search, they were adopted for a reason, - and that reason isn't always positive, and may not want to be relived!

Luckily my Dad knew about my half-sister, and my brothers weren't really bothered one way or another, - but I can see how an adopted child turning up could wreak havoc for a family and be totally rejected, possibly denied!

I dunno what the answer is! I hope your DC have positive experiences!!

God! This whole thread reminds me how complicated this whole area is. If you are interested, my story is that I was adopted in 68 in New Zealand. My bm was an australian catholic girl, and during that period a LOT of these girls were sent/went to NZ to have the child and then return home after their "holiday" without the embarrassing problem. In NZ at that time there were a lot of baby adoptions for this reason. Not only that, because there were so many babies, it wasn't a case of feeling really lucky that you could get a baby, but the babies should be grateful for getting a home!
My adoptive mother gave me quite sinister and unnecessary impressions when I was a girl that my bm was of a very "bad type". I don't think she ever said it outright, but I was under the impression she could have been a hooker. Nice. As a result, I was also told that I had to be very careful as a teenager about boys, etc, as if I had a genetic inheritance that made me more prone to promiscuious behaviour than my sister, their birth child. I cannot explain how it feels, at that age, to be told you cannot trust yourself, that if I didn't constantly check myself, I might "revert to type". I was actually incredibly sad.
So I found my bm when I was 18, and guess what, she was an estate agent in Perth! I weep with relief. She had married a few years after having me and had three more children. But it was difficult; she flew to NZ to meet me and she wanted to take over my life, to go and live in Perth and reintegrate into her family. My bm said she hated her and could never forgive her for the way she treated me (?).
It was all too much so I came to London and have remained here ever since; I have a dh, a ds7 and dd10months. I have no family here.
My bm died of cancer when I was 26 and I have had some contact with her children, and it would be possible to have more, but it would be too complicated. I could separate out in my head the two separate families, but how do I ask my children to do that. It would have to be a secret that my son knew about his aunts in Australia when he speaks to my sister in NZ.
Ideally I imagine my sister in NZ getting on with my bsisters and my adopted mother accepting my bsisters now that my bm is dead and having family get togethers but the reality is this will never happen, so I can't accept that I'm the one (and my children) who would have to sneak around and keep secrets. I also can't contemplate drawing my own lovely children into the tainted family environment that I had to put up with.
The result, though none of them can see it, is that I live on the other side of the world.
Once you open the adoption box, I'm afraid that you have to be prepared for making all the compromises yourself, because everyone else has an opinion about who you should be allowed to talk to. Unless you are a very strong person it can be very overwhelming and distressing.