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Birth child doesn't want us to adopt :-(

(9 Posts)
Rosiemae1234 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:37:15

We at stage one of the adoption process and we have a birth daughter who is 7. Being trying for no. 2 for 6 years. 2 ivf fails etc etc.... At first I wanted to wait until telling our bc but with sw coming out and research books around, some family and friends knowing, it's started to feel like we're keeping a big secret from her and doesn't feel right. So we decided to tell her, just played lego and talked about family and friends who have brothers and sisters and gently approached the subject by saying that we were looking into adoption. We have friends who have adopted so it's not alien to her. I knew we'd have a little apprehension as she's very happy being an only child but he response was worse then I thought. She said she absolutely doesn't want to do that and it's not fair if we're all not happy about it, and after a while said that if we do she'I'll move out! (Yes she's only 7 not 14) then we've had tears.
So after feeling excited about our new chapter I'm now really worried on the affect this is going to have in our very close happy family unit. But having a bigger family is all I've ever wanted. So we're even worse off now than before, back to secrets I guess as I don't want to keep upsetting her when it's such a long process. Anyone got any advice or experienced this with their children???

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sun 06-Nov-16 12:20:40

No direct experience.

I would let the dust settle a bit for a few days, and then approach again, and try to understand why she is so against it. It could be fear of change in general, or fear of the unknown, or specific worries which you may be able to alleviate. Would she have same reaction if you said you were pregnant, or are their specific adoption related worries.

Rosiemae1234 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:31:43

She's never wanted a brother or sister. I am an only child and always wanted to have more than one. Although we have talked to her in the past about 'if she had a b or s' we didn't want to go on about it too much we haven't been able to have another one. I think it's because at the moment she's the centre of our world and she has some friends with brothers and she sees them as a bit of a pain, but then, she has other friends with siblings and they get on great. Good idea.. going to let it settle now and see how she goes in a little while. I don't know why she would have worries about adoption as she doesn't know anything negative about it. That I know of anyway

tinks269 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:04:12

Surely you have just answered yourself. If she has never wanted brothers or sisters then you telling her that she is going to be getting one is going to upset her. Instead of talking to her about adoption I would talk to her about this. At the moment how she becomes a big sister is far less important to her than the fact that her role and place within her family is going to alter.

Italiangreyhound Sun 06-Nov-16 20:46:47

We have a birth dd and adopted when she was 9.

I would say although your dd may feel it is not fair for you to have another child unless she wants a sibling the reality is most parents choose how many children they want and never consult their existing children before reproducing.

My guess would be she is worried she will lose out on your love and time, and her status will change, although she may not be able to express it as such.

I'd leave it a while and then I'd try a different track, perhaps! She will remain your special and brilliant girl. Reassure her of your love without necessarily agreeing that you all should be on the same page.

I hope things improve and she gets on board. It is a tough one; a sibling will change her life but one hopes for the better.

Rosiemae1234 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:24:12

Yes tinks269 your right, talking to her about becoming a big sister and the positives is the way forward. Going to let it all settle a little bit as don't want to stress her about it but gently work our way through it.

Italinagreyhound yes you have a very good point there that we don't normally consult our children before reproducing! It is something that we will work through over time by reassurance that we have enough love for 2 children with gentle conversations after the dust has settled. Thanks for your advice. smile How was your dd in the initial stages after you brought your adopted child home?

grumpymcgrumpypants Mon 07-Nov-16 14:43:27

We don't normally consult our children before reproducing.

However, adoption is different.

I agree with what others have said, regarding finding out why she isn't on board.

However, if she stays opposed, from my experience, SWs will be very concerned. Even if you get approved, it may well be another hurdle at matching. Children's SW view older children in the family as a huge risk for disruption. I found they ignored the many benefits of a sibling for LO, and spent ages dwelling on how risky birth children are. Are you prepared to go through approval, hoping she mellows a bit, only to find she doesn't, and you can't get matched? Can you as a family unit weather that? Once an adopted child is home, you can't realise your DD is firm in her opinions, and send them back!

As someone said, adoption is a family business, and your DD is a crucial part of that. Adopted children need so much more than birth children. You're not just asking if she'll have a sibling, which she doesn't want.You're asking if she wants a special needs (even if those needs are 'just' ordinary adoption related needs) sibling.

My DS's adore each other. Proper mutual worship. They make casual acquaintances tear up when they see them together, seriously. But we're very early days, and older DS did want a sibling, and very much wanted to adopt.

In fact, older DS has declared I should adopt again, now.

I don't think my liver or waistline could take it.

Adopting a sibling is very very different to having your parents reproduce. And it's going to go tits up if she doesn't come round! So, gently, try and explore what the concern is, and spin siblings in a positive light, and see what happens?

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Nov-16 16:03:15

Yes I do agree grumpy it is different, and I agree that social workers will be concerned. I guess I wonder where she gets the idea you all have to agree to a new child. Have inadvertently suggested that, Roaiemae?

In answer to your question my dd did want a sibling but was keen on a baby brother or older girl, maybe 5, she was 7 when webyalked about it first. Although that would have allowed 2 years difference for our dyslexic young for her age dd that would have been disastrous.

We ended up saying the 'new child' would probably be a boy of three. Two years later we adopted a boy of three!

The first year was not easy. But since then it has been good.

If my dd had been adamantly against it I am not sure I would have proceeded but I really felt that the benefit of not being an only child outweighed thing for me and I guess I knew dd had expressed a lot that she wanted a sibling.

I guess for me children do not get to decide how many kids you have buy I do recognise it is not the same not easy and a 'principle' Doran't mean it is right, it is just my opinion! smile

conserveisposhforjam Mon 07-Nov-16 20:53:10

Hmmmmmm

I would go very easy on 'the positives' of a new sibling though. IME they are few and far between at first as the new child takes up so much parental time and attention - I mean bcs and acs by this.

Our children now get on incredibly well but I am sure that being very honest with our bc about the effect a sibling would have on her life was a huge part of this.

I get that this is going to be a very difficult tightrope for you to walk though. cake

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