Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Right then, that'll be the forms in

(12 Posts)
chocoLit Thu 25-Aug-16 02:17:19

In a moment of insomnia induced maddness I have filled in the Birthlink form, sent it in along with the required donation and copies of certificates.

Not sure if this is a midlife crisis encouraging me to consider tracing my birth mother OR a direct result of Davina bloody Mccall!!

Wish me luck - not quite sure where I want this to go but at least, according to the website, I'm in control hmm

Rainatnight Thu 25-Aug-16 06:51:44

Good luck. flowers

user7755 Thu 25-Aug-16 06:56:35

Good luck cake

chocoLit Thu 25-Aug-16 08:13:06

Thanks guys. Not quite sure where am going with this. I found unseen adoption papers after my Ddad died so I suppose it's been a suitable length of time since he passed.

That probably sounds silly. I'm never had any burning desire to find her. Nothing has been missing in my life. I suppose now am 40 am curious and have a congenital disorder I'd like to know if there is any history about.....

chocoLit Thu 25-Aug-16 17:49:45

Oh! Apparently it only takes a week for them to reply.

I feel a bit silly. I don't know why I thought it would be longer blush

chocoLit Tue 30-Aug-16 19:55:15

So the letter is back and apparently there is nobody on the register looking for me.

PoppyStellar Tue 30-Aug-16 20:08:07

That must be really hard. flowers I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice on next steps but read your post and didn't want to leave you hanging with no reply.

chocoLit Tue 30-Aug-16 21:36:13

Ah that's kind poppy I'm not that fussed to be honest blush it's a system where you can register and they'll look to see if someone involved in the adoption has been looking for you.

I also have the option to contact the adoption agency.

I would be delighted to know that my birth mother has gone on to live a full and happy life having made the right decision for me. Watching programmes like 'long lost family' always make me worry that she's sitting wracked with guilt somewhere wondering.....

I guess not!!

Kr1stina Tue 30-Aug-16 22:05:21

Choco - lots of birth family members have never heard of the registers . They may avoid programmes like davinas becaue it's too painful for them .

Some are worried about upsetting their adult child's life. They mistakenly belive that most adoptees don't even know that they are adopted and they don't want to set off a bomb in someone's life .

Others are ashamed and embarrassed about the circumstances that led to their child being adopted. They fear that their biological child and / or other in their life now would judge them harshly . Again i think that's generally wrong .

Many are convinced that the adoptive parents will have taught their child that they are Evil and they will have been told lies about them . I don't need to tell you that's hardly ever the case, in fact most adopters strive to put the most postive interpretation possible on their child's story .

Lots of mothers deal with their loss by simply putting it out of their minds and pretending it never happened. It's their coping strategy . Now in their 40s , 50s or 60s , probably with more children , they feel like a different person from the one who did all these things years ago .

And of course some have led loves scarred by the very reasons that led to the loss of their child - mental health problems, addictions, domestic violence .

Some simply don't give a flying fuck but I do think they are in the minority .

Some adoptees find it helpful to get the adoption file from the agency and the court papers from the registrar generals office. They give more background information, which can sometimes be upsetting ( in content or tone) but is usually worthwhile .

chocoLit Tue 30-Aug-16 22:11:46

Kr1stna thank you. I already have the adoption records and letters written after I was placed with my family. It was all very civil and amicable I believe. She was young, had family support and was sent photos after I was placed.

Am just curious I suppose. Had she wanted to find me the register is fairly easy to look at & use. Am just glad she hasn't been waiting on it for 20yrs for me to get in touch.

Kr1stina Wed 31-Aug-16 10:36:46

You can also get your court records from Edinburgh , I think you have to go along in person . It might give you More information.

It's fine to be curious about your own past grin

And yes, it's good that she hadn't been waiting for you for 20 years . That woudl have been just another thing for your to feel guilty about ( we adoptees are big on guilt )

flowers

chocoLit Wed 31-Aug-16 15:55:44

I already have those. Got them when I was 17 just to check the circumstances of the adoption.

I hadn't seen the correspondence/papers until my DDad passed a few years ago and this is the first time I've looked to see if anyone had registered looking for me.

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