Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Resources for grandparents?

(8 Posts)
Rainatnight Sun 14-Aug-16 10:22:18

Right before panel, we've had an extremely negative reaction to our adoptions plans from MIL. It's complicated by the fact that we're a same sex couple, so definitely not just adoption related. Could be just as much about the same sex thing (so I'll post on that board too grin)

Could anyone possibly recommend any resources for reluctant adoptive grandparents? Books, online interviews, kicks up the bum...

CrazyCatLaydee123 Sun 14-Aug-16 11:28:09

www.amazon.co.uk/Related-Adoption-Handbook-Grandparents-Relatives/dp/1907585389

A really good book, gives family members the need to know on adoption, the process, the children etc. I bought a copy for all 3 sets of future GPs. It's concise enough to not scare them off.

My dad's review of it, "I read it while I'm on the toilet, it makes a lot of sense." High praise, believe me!

Not sure if it will help with the negativity, but think of it this way - she had a life planned out in her head, probably from childhood, that probably included biological grandchildren, and what they would be like. It's a bit like the 'ghost children' theory. She has to almost mourn the loss of those ghost grandchildren, get her head around the fact that that's not how it's going to be. Give her time. She'll come round.

WelshVickie81 Mon 15-Aug-16 20:38:33

I've ordered a copy of this book too, I'm planning to read it through before giving it to family members but its got good reviews.

I agree with CrazyCatLady tho to give MIL time. We're just finishing our PAR so not matched yet but when we first started up the process I had to put up with a lot of stories of near miracle conceptions as MIL was struggling to deal with the idea of non-bio grandchildren and thought we'd "given up" too easily. Good luck!

MintyLizzy9 Mon 15-Aug-16 22:19:18

I'm a single adoptor and when I told my religious parents my plans they were open mouthed and silent (NOT THE NORM!), to be fair I dropped it on them out of the blue and said so I'll see you later and left. I went back later that day and my dad just said well I thought you'd be married by now and you know.... (Having birth kids). I just smiled and said well let's not take the chance eh I'm no spring chicken and I want to be a mum.

It took him a few weeks to get his head around the fact it wasn't what he had envisioned my life being but as soon as it was becoming real ( me being shortlisted to the final two adoptors on a few occasions) that he really got excited about it. As soon as it stopped being about 'adoption' and about this little person I was telling him about it didn't matter one jot how we were becoming a family just that we were.

I did ask what his concerns were straight out and he was worried I would be taking on too much responsibility alone so I didn't overshare on the challenges adoption can bring but certainly did explain in layman terms that my parenting would be different because many adopted kids have been through X Y Z and that I wouldnt be linked to kids who had X Y Z challenges/experiences as I didn't feel I could cope which I think helped. I also think seeing the amount of work and training I did helped him to 'get' that I was serious and ready and prepared.

Maybe involving MIL with some of the exciting bits of becoming a grandma will get her on board enough to be really interested in learning more and addressing any concerns she has head on and bashing them out now rather than in the early days of being parents because that's bloody stressful enough!! worst case you know where you stand, best case the air is cleared and you have support (and Grandma!).

Best of luck X

JustHappy3 Tue 16-Aug-16 12:47:41

These things helped with our reluctant parents
A) Time - time to process it and think about it a bit
B) Repeated explanations - cos it doesn't go in first, second or third time when it's new stuff like attachment.
C) Actually meeting a real life new grandchild. Hesitant, fearful grandparents to be of a theoretical child were instantly smitten and completely wrapped round her little finger.
D) Not losing our temper when they come out with daft stuff (she's young so she'll forget etc) or express indignation that we didn't ask their permission to adopt!

WelshVickie81 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:27:40

Just a thought, our agency offers a workshop to friends and family which my mother, MIL & FIL are going on. It's worth finding out it your agency/LEA offer something similar.

Rainatnight Wed 17-Aug-16 07:51:27

Thanks so much, this is all really helpful. All great ideas. I'll check them all out and try to bear in mind that she might just need time.

I think I'm just feeling a bit cross because her reaction was SO negative, and as though it was 'wrong' and I feel like saying 'butt out, I've wanted a family for a decade and it's really not up to you to say how we get there!'

But I realise that may not be the most constructive approach grin

Rainatnight Wed 17-Aug-16 07:52:28

WelshVickie Our LA definitely does those courses, thanks. I think they're a great idea. We're a while away from being able to get her anywhere near one...

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