Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

SGO - going on to adopt?

(24 Posts)
LoolooandMoo Thu 09-Jun-16 22:04:35

Hi there, this is my first post so not sure how this works yet so please bear with me!

My 20 month old niece has been with me and my partner since Dec 2014. Brief background of birth parents: drugs (heroin etc), alcohol, domestic violence, birth father numerous prison sentences (currently serving now).

We really want to adopt this little girl who we now see as our own, I can't describe how much I love her (sorry in tears now) and we truly believe she is in the best place now. We were told there would be no chance of her BPs 'getting her back' but there's always that worry in the back of my mind, especially when receiving threatening letters from BF in prison.

I guess my main question here is has anyone gone onto adopt a child they have an SGO for? I've contacted the LA adoption team, the first time I just got sent a booklet on general adoption, and now waiting to hear after making another enquiry.

Thanks for reading.

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 13:38:19

Does this LO still see her BP?
SGO's are favoured for people looking after family full time as adoption can confuse the child.

I think from what you've said there would be no chance of the child going back to BP.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 19:26:44

SGO's are favoured for people looking after family full time as adoption can confuse the child

Really ? I've not seen this research, could you post a link to it please?

Looloo - you might find some useful information here

www.frg.org.uk/need-help-or-advice/family-and-friends-carers

And welcome to Mumsnet smile

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 19:36:07

When a child is still having contact with their BP's and others in their family it is confusing for them them to live with another member of their family through adoption.

Say their grandmother adopts them is she then mum?

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 19:48:00

Could you post a link to the research please, as I'd like to read it ?

If you read the OP you will see that Looloo is the child's aunt and not her grandmother .

So if she adopted, she would go from being her bio aunt and her legal aunt to being her bio aunt and her legal mother . Her adoptive grandmothers woudl be the mothers of her adoptive parents. Just like anyone else - your grandmothers are your parents mothers .

HTH

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 19:55:16

I don't know how to link.

I do however have first hand experience of a family member looking after a child through a SGO. The SW assessing made it very clear that adoption was not an option as this would confuse the child as he was going to be maintaining contact with both parents. When a child is staying within their family with regular contact with BP's the SGO is the preferred agreement in almost all cases. Unless as in rare cases the child is at danger of contact with parents and will not ever see them. I've only heard of this happening once.

Hth.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 20:29:22

So can I just check, your comment about children finding it confusing was what someone told you that a SW told them about the child in your own family ?

And not actually a fact about all children in kinship care in all circumstances or about the Ops family in particular ?

Because you stated it so dogmatically I assumed it was based on research.

I'm also confused about why you are asking about the Op being a grandmother ?

BTW links are converted automatically on MN. You just cut and paste them into your post .

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 20:32:38

It was within my family. So no, not he said she said.

I'm know if you look on FRG it will give you all the information you are looking for.

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 20:34:50

I haven't asked the OP if she was a grandmother either.

Many of the people that take a child through a SGO are grandparents, I gave that as an example.

I find your tone very unfriendly I have to say.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 23:33:41

I see, when you said

" Say their grandmother adopts them is she then mum?"

I thought you were asking a question, not giving an example . So I tried to answer your question .

I find your tone dogmatic and your generalising from your own family to every family unhelpful as well as potentially upsetting to the OP. Because I don't know her or her child , I don't know what's in her child's best interests so I can't tell her if adoption woudl be best for them. .

However I guess we have different opinions .

op I wish you and your family well and I hope you find the information you are looking for .

LoolooandMoo Sat 11-Jun-16 02:07:42

Thank you for the replies.

Initially birth mum was supposed to be maintaining contact (child was with a foster carer from leaving hospital at 11 days old to being 12 weeks old whilst our assessment took place). But as soon as she came to us BM stopped turning up to contact and has made no effort to re-establish it despite encouragement from myself, our mum and social services. The difficult thing is she truly believes she and her partner were capable of looking after baby, and in my honest opinion I don't think the little girl would be alive today if she was with them, their lifestyle is extremely bad. I have seen her perhaps 3 times since Dec 2014 and despite her saying she wants a relationship with the little girl, she makes no effort make one and to be honest I don't believe a relationship would be beneficial. She has two elder sons she had before starting taking heroin, they are 19 & 17 and she has made no effort to see them in about 12 years. Her and her partner accept no responsibility for their own actions and do not understand why little girl was taken off them, which is what concerns me the most, the fact they don't see how damaging their lifestyle would be. Unfortunately they put their own wishes and needs before the little girl and are only concerned at how this has affected them.

Adoption was mentioned in the beginning but as my sister was supposed to be maintaining contact we all agreed an SGO was the best way to go.

I'll admit at the time of my first post I was very upset as we'd received a letter with a lot of abuse from the BF in prison. But we have been thinking of adoption for a while. Whilst social services were involved they actually mentioned adoption again about a year ago and we said we would like to but everytime I spoke to them afterwards they were always "getting the information" we needed, and now they say it's nothing to do with them because as far as they are concerned it's case closed.

I think I've worried about my sisters feelings for too long now and I have to do what I feel is best for this little girl in my heart.

Thanks again.

NavyAndWhite Sat 11-Jun-16 08:47:08

Hi LooLoo

Thanks for your explanation.

You could try ring Family Rights Group. They are excellent at advising people I situations like yourself who have a child with a SGO or are a kinship carer. I have spoken to them myself and their knowledge was invaluable.
FRG 0808 8010366

You could also try Corams child law advice centre. www.childlawadvice.org.uk

Perhaps if you speak with the above this will give you the information that you need. I know that you would need leave of court ( permission to ask to go to court ) for a judge to be able to re assess your situation but this is something that FRG or Corams would explain fully to you.

Best of luck, I hope it works out for you.
And I'm sorry if I came over dogmatic.
flowers

leaveamessageatthetone Sun 12-Jun-16 01:47:27

You were fine, Navy - I was actually going to say a similar thing. I'm under the impression that SGOs are favoured in circumstances where BPs are (or could feasibly be) in contact with the child's current guardians and/or are in close proximity either due to to geographical location or family ties, such as the situation you describe Looloo. That said, I do know of an adoption situation where AM and BM are known to one another and are part of the same community group, so it does happen. Sorry, probably not being much help but just conveying what I thought they were saying at prep groups when discussing SGOs and adoption etc. Navy's advice is good - I hope you find some answers. Wishing you all the best.

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 07:22:57

Thanks Leaveamessageatthetone smile

Kr1stina Sun 12-Jun-16 16:23:15

Hi leave a message at the tone and welcome to Mumsnet .

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 16:24:49

What is your problem?

MrsJen3 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:22:15

Navy, I totally agree with what you are saying as this too has been my experience both personally & professionally.
Currently I'm a kinship carer for my grandson (hoping to apply for SGO eventually) & each professional I have had contact with has told me SGO is the preferred method of permanence when a child is placed with a family member. There are exceptions to this of course but I have been led to understand it's preferred, as you said, to prevent confusion around relationships for the child.
Also, through my job I am involved with parents who have had their children removed & the children placed with family members are almost always done so under an SGO these days.

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 19:52:21

Hi MrsJen I hope you get the SGO for your grandson.

Kr1stina Sun 12-Jun-16 20:36:01

Hi mrs Jen, how are you and how is your GS?

I was thinking about you and wondering if you had any more news about his developmental issues and the possible diagnosis of FAS? Have the social woker and paediatrician given you more information / support ?

MrsJen3 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:38:39

I'm good thank you Kr1stina, though a little fraught and exhausted as our GS continues to run riot through our home and our lives! He is gorgeous but my goodness he's like a little whirlwind with a furious temper at times.
We're still trying to find help/support/advice on FAS (I've been doing lots of reading) and on managing his tantrums/self harming behaviour but the social worker is useless and we don't see the paediatrician until October.
I'm driving myself mad at the moment trying to remember if the paediatrician said he definitely has FAS or if he said he definitely has FAS features so I can't wait til October for some clarification.
The geneticist confirmed he has features of FAS and said his behaviour was of concern but said wait and see and come back next year - so very non committal.
We have had a referral to Portage so I am hoping for some useful strategies from them and an appoinment with speech therapist is coming up soon.

MrsDeVere Mon 13-Jun-16 21:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Tue 14-Jun-16 09:38:52

All over the world and for generations, children have been brought up within the extended family because their biological parents were unable to care for them, for a whole variety of reasons .

Most of these children seem to grow up just fine and are not any more confused than other kids.

And all ( amazingly ) without the benefit of social workers telling the family what to do and how to do it . Because, surprisingly enough, most families are quite sensible and capable and want to do the best for their own.

Neither are they stupid - very few grans in their 60s are going around pretending that they just gave birth . Everyone i know in these families is quite clear about what happened and why.

BTW I'm not saying that legal orders are not necessary to protect the child - of course they are in most cases. But the best order will depend on the individual circumstances and the best interests of the child, not on some blanket policy .

NavyAndWhite Tue 14-Jun-16 09:49:21

It's not about gran pretending they gave birth. The dynamics change when a child is adopted within its family. If the child will not be seeing his/her parents until they are old enough to decide themselves and the child has been brought up within the new family adoption could work.

But where you've got a child that knows who his/her parents/siblings are, who sees them regularly, who is going to grown up maintaining a relationship with them, the SGO is the preferred arrangement.

Tippy6312 Tue 14-Jun-16 11:03:53

Hi OP.
We adopted our son the initial plan was SGO (already in our family) but we opted for, and adoption was agreed. This was a pretty smooth process in terms of the plan changing, and all involved favoured adoption as the best route.
It will depend on family circumstance, as in, does little one still have contact with birth parents? Ours didn't and hadn't for many years, so that was a good deciding factor. He knows of the 'family linkages' , but we are Mum and Dad, so in that sense it is quite a 'traditional' sort of adoption.
From our families point of view, it has provided our son with more security and a permanent family base that we personally feel SGO just may not have.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now