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A Birth and adopted child?(20 Posts)
Hi. Have posted a few times in the past. Have BC a daughter aged 7 and been approved since last November. Would just love to hear any one in same position as me. Who's adopted after a birth child?..I want it to happen so much! How did your BC take to it and is the love really as strong as it is with your BC?! Do you honestly have no favourite? Would love to hear your stories (hopefully happy ones!!..
We did (and there are quite a few others on here who have done too, it's not nearly as uncommon as it used to be)
DS and DD adore each other with the same kind of fierce love that I remember having with my siblings
Things are generally great, though we have been having some wobbles recently which are impacting particularly hard on DS. One thing we know will be difficult in the future is the fact DD has half-siblings from both BM and BF (and nieces and nephews) whereas DS "only" has DS. We don't know how best to handle this one...
Overall, we are glad we adopted DD and know that DS is happier with a sibling than an only child
Ps - it's a different type of love, but genuinely equally strong with both of them
We are 4 months in and its been the hardest but most rewarding journey thus far. BC is 8 and AC was 18 months at placement. Our AC grieved really hard following the move and BC hated it, the screaming and stress really got to him. He missed our undivided attention terribly. A lot of how he felt would have been there with another BC though I sure. I struggled at the beginning, ended up on antidepressants. It all felt like we had ruined our little unit of three for a long time.
Fast forward to today him and his sister are great. He is so protective of her and they find each other hilarious. Me and DH we both fell in love v quickly with AC, for me its the same fierce gut wrenching love I have for BC.
Life is settling into a new normal and I can honestly say we are happy as a family of four. Who knows what the future holds but no regrets for now.
We are early days into our adoption. Our AC is nearly 3 and our BC is 10. So far it has been totally fantastic. They both adore each other. BC is so proud of his little brother after years of only child life. AC gets so excited when BC comes back from school he jumps around all over the place. It's just a case of ensuring both get special time. BC still likes his own space, he continues to have friends over after school most days and I make sure i do something special with AC during this time. Then at bedtime BC gets 'special IPad time' which is a real treat so I give AC my undivided attention for cuddles, bath and stories. And then it's BC turn. He loves being allowed to 'stay up' and I spend quality time with him then. Other times we all romp around together. We all watch CBeebies on Sat morning, all 4 of us squashed into one bed. Both kids can access the same games together - things like marble run and the paddling pool have been enjoyed by all ages. So a fantastic experience for us. Good luck to you x
We have 18m between birth and adopted child (that's probably so rare it's terribly outing!). Things have been incredibly difficult for the adults but our BC has been exceptional. Thankfully they have a wonderfully caring nature and have taken to a sibling. There are moments where they will say they want the youngest to go, but on reflection that probably happens in a lot of sibling relationships.
The love is very different, and I see it as a multi layered love for each aspect of their personality so it's different for all children, whether adopted or not. My favourite is the one not pissing me off at that moment so I can only ever have 1 at a time as they take it in turns to destroy me!
The love feels the same. Like you i worried it wouldn't - but it does. Or rather i know i love adopted 1 year old dc as much as i loved birth dc at that age.
The age gap (similar to yours) has worked really well. We instigated movie nights - the 3 of us on the sofa with a dvd birth child chooses and a duvet. Warm and snuggly.
There are times in the week when little one takes my attention but overall it's been ok.
Molly our adopted child is 11 and was 9 when ds, 3, came to live with us.
The first year was a real mixture of wonderful and awful! DD (11) was very jealous and DS (3) was very clingly. After the first year things evened out and have got a lot calmer.
My children love each other, a lot, they also fight and argue just like any siblings.
I cannot quantify the love I have for my kids, I love them both fiercely and deeply. I think the differences are that known my dd now for 11 years and my ds for only 2.
My dd has her own needs, she's not on the spectrum but has autistic tenancies, and this gives her vulnerabilities etc, which I've tuned into. Where as my son is very bright and 'normal' but emotional. He also has certain needs and I think my love for them both is very much tuned into who they are.
In reality I do not have favourites and try very much to be fair to them both, which I know is very important for kids.
Sorry, our birth child is 11 and was 9 when ds, 3, (adopted) came to live with us.
Thank you so much for your honest and mainly happy stories. After feeling a bit down lately with waiting and sometimes anxious that we might ruin our happy unit of 3 it was just what I needed to read.
I have a bc, who was 11 when we adopted dd who was 14 months at the time. There has never been any jealousy between them and they are great friends and love each other massively.
Re the love. Loving my dd was easy but took longer than the instant love I had for ds. I would kill a bear for her now, I love her fiercely and every bit as much as much as ds, no single shadow of a doubt. I never needed to fight fo ds because he never had any issues, or needed any services. I've had to be dd's protector, fight for services for her, argue that there were issues when people were trying to palm me off. All this really made me very protective of her and I'm sure has strengthened our bond.
Don't worry, the love will be there, it just may take a little bit of time.
Ah thank you mineallmine, so reassuring and good to read. Let's hope the wait isn't too long.
Our BC is 10mo. We would like to grow our family by adopting, I was wondering when we should start talking to agencies to see if we're right for it? We'd like a 2 or 3yr age gap so not for a while, obviously, but would it be worth making enquiries now or is it just too soon?
Don't know much at the moment, so need to do a lot of investigating.
Very interested to read, so bumping. Have a 1 year old and would love to adopt in a few years time, have an aunt and uncle who adopted four sibs at once - very inspiring. I'm a single (not lone) parent and was already saying to lovely exP 'if in x years I adopted a sibling for DD, would you take both of them on outings together?' to which he very happily said of course. What age difference would you consider OP?
We thought we wanted a two year age gap; we ended up with a five year age gap and in retrospect that has been much much better than a smaller gap
No one would talk to us until our birth child was five, as they wanted a minimum two year age gap and to be able to place children up to three yo - though things may have changed, and different agencies will likely have different rules
I've spoken to our LA and an agency who have advised if we get in touch when BC is 18mo we could discuss F2A, so reading up! They were v.helpful and didn't mind me asking a long way in advance but advised they have service level agreements and time frames so wouldn't want to talk to us before we were ready.
That is a very interesting thread.
We have a BC who is nearly 9. We are approached by our LA about a LO who is 4. LO was neglected, witnessed domestic violence and BP drank excessively. Lo has 2 older siblings who would have protected Lo.
LA think it is a good link for us as Lo doesn't have any additional needs (at least not yet). Many other people think though it is a high risk with a bc and wouldn't do it for the sake of our BC. We haven't been able to speak to LO SW yet due to SW holidays.
Our BC needs are our priority. Would it be better we would go for a younger AC?
My daughter is 19 and my son 10. my son is adopted but I can honestly say I love and feel for them both equal. I feel no difference between them with the love I have for them both. I do just worry if I'm going to get my heart broken when/if my son decides to find his birth family later on in life but guess will cross that bridue as and when. My son knows he is adopted and I think if I was adopted I'd have alot of unanswered questions for the birth family.
Adelheid - in my experience is that , in siblings groups like the one your describe, the youngest is the most damaged . That's the opposite of what most people think.
The risks of damage from alcohol in utero gets worse in Subsequent pregnancies .
The youngest probably never attachment as a small baby, which the first child may have had - thsi is protective .
Seeing older siblings abused is as damaging psychologically as being abused yourself
Youngest is more likely to have been sexually abused .
So yes I agree that it's a high risk placement . The child almost certainly has SN of some sort .
I'd also wonder why the children aren't being placed together and what tyep of ongoing contest will be out in place of they are seperated. If the older children have been carers for the younger one then it woudl be awful for them not to see each other.
It's not as simple as " go for younger child" . A younger child may also have SN. It depends what kind of risk you can accept and what level of needs you can cope with
adelheid I am very sceptical that a child with that family history has 'no additional needs'. In fact, if they are NOT showing worrying behaviour then that is (weirdly!) even more worrying - because the compliant, adult-pleasing child is often the one that is most damaged and least able to be 'reached' by the help and support they need.
'Just' neglect can be more damaging than active abuse - the Centre for the Developing Child at Harvard University has some excellent materials about the (long-term) neurological impact of neglect, and the Foundation for Alcohol Related Research on the difficulties of diagnosing foetal alcohol exposure despite the brain damage it causes.
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