I don't often post on here but the forum has been a great source of information over the last few years. Sorry if the post gets a bit long but it's hard to articulate what I mean.
My partner and I adopted 3 years ago. Our kids were very young approx 6 months and 18 months. We did a lot of reading on attachment etc and prepared out family pretty well. We funnelled fairly consistently and beat ourselves up when our boundaries slipped and granny's or granddad got too cuddly or random strangers were too engaging. Life was pretty mundane and low key for ages. We carried them a lot, lept into rescue mode when either of them had a tumble and tried to follow what we had learned at prep group etc.
I'm in no way saying we were perfect, I'm too shouty 😳 and there were loads of things that I feel we could have done better.
We parent in a much more natural and relaxed way now as I'm pretty confident on their attachment but we still do basic stuff- respond to needs, bang on about adoption to Nursary etc and parent them based on the fact that they were adopted IYKWIM.
The reason for my post is that I sometimes encounter adopters who don't do this. Like recently someone, not a friend- just the friend of an aquaintence- said they used controlled crying and I've met others over the years that have, for example, gone to weddings in the early weeks, been on holiday, not funneled, used babysitters, left kids at holiday clubs early on etc.
When I hear this part of me worries about their kids but another part starts to doubt if all the effort was worth it and worse, I start to doubt that any of it was the right thing to do and worry that I've done it all wrong - a common theme as I'm sure you can appreciate!
I suppose it also taps into the fact that when you adopt you never know how your kids would have turned out if they could have stayed with birth family and you don't know how you would have parented a birth child if you hadn't spent years reading about attachment!!
Also I guess it is in relation to the fact that I hear the phrase "but they were sooo young, surely they won't remember anything" etc etc about 10x a day!
Oh, and a very close relative was adopted in the 50's and they often comment that they have no idea how they turned out so well adjusted without all this attachment parenting nonsense!
So I guess what I am interested to know is did anyone just parent in a less 'adoption focused' way and feel like their kids turned out well- whatever that means! I guess I mean happy, bonded, attached etc.
I'm in no way being judgey, I'm just interested to know as I suppose theories and experts information changes over time and it's good to hear real life experiences.
Thanks for listening
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44 replies
Chicklette · 20/04/2016 23:35
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