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Waiting post approval- any advice?

(15 Posts)
Legallyblonde77 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:35:02

So we've been approved since last June and not had any potential links and I am beginning to feel like it will never happen. We are open to foster to adopt and siblings from 0 - 3, happy to have boy and girl or two girls but not two boys (we nearly got matche pre approval with 2 boys and me and DH both felt bereft that there was no girl). I'm not coping and am beginning to wonder if it will ever happen for us. SW seems to want to put their agenda on us of slightly older children and I feel a bit pressured and a bit guilty but also not persuaded that I could cope. I have said actually if I could say 3 years and a day I would, I don't want 3 years 11 months. I would say under 2 but chances of sibling group with 2 under 2 is slim.

Does anyone have any tips for getting through it and staying positive. We don't even look at Adoption link any more as there are so very few children who meet our criteria.

Feeling very discouraged and wonder if I am being unreasonable with my "criteria""

mybloodykitchen Thu 04-Feb-16 15:56:49

It's so hard out there at the moment. Your criteria are what you think you can cope with and that won't really be subject to change.

There are lots of people in your situation at the moment, I have no doubt that the prevailing climate will change in the future because it's going to cause huge strain on Ss when all the children who would have had POs come back into the system in a couple of years time. But who knows when?

In the meantime I have no real advice but have a hand to hold sad

Don't AUK and WAF have local prospective adopters groups? Worth a try for support?

Italiangreyhound Thu 04-Feb-16 17:35:01

legally your criteria sounds suitably open, please do feel encouraged you are not being unreasonable, IMHO.

You won't get two under two but what if you had one under two and one under four, as a sibling pair? Hope you will get a good match soon.

All the best.

Kewcumber Thu 04-Feb-16 20:20:14

Are you open to taking a single child as well as a sibling group. I know everyone seems to be waiting a while at the moment but two under 3 seems quite young to me but I'm prepared for people with more recent experience to say I'm wrong.

I can see that you're wedded to the idea of a girl but the excitement of your child arriving does tend to overwhelm what sex the real child is.

I only say this as someone who wsa determined to have a girl and now has a boy and I wouldn;t be without him- can;t imagine having a girl now!

I'm not trying to change your mind just questioning how desperate you are for a child - because thats the reason I switched in the end - because facing the possibility of a real child and an indeterminate wait I realised that what I wanted above all else was a child.

Mind you I spent a few months looking at boys clothes and studying my friends boys and thinking "how would I feel if they were mine?"

I suppose what I'm asking you to consider is are you set on a girl or nothing if that ends up being the choice?

Kewcumber Thu 04-Feb-16 20:22:31

Out of interest why do you think you would not cope with a 4 year old but would cope with a 3 year old? In my experience 4 year olds are way easier! the 2-3 year phase was bloody hard (though DS was pretty much non verbal which was tough for us both)

Legallyblonde77 Fri 05-Feb-16 10:47:01

Thanks for replies. I guess the reason for 3 is young enough to not miss out on all the young milestones, to have some time editor school. I might have to go away and have a think. My DH is very keen on a girl and I have always imagined a girl and when we were encouraged to go forward for 2 boys we both felt very sad that we wouldn't have a gi and bereft when looking at girls clothes etc. I'm not expecting it to be easy at all with whatever child/ children we get so I'm not including that as a factor in what I want I guess. We are not stuck on a sibling group so would have 1 then later a second child.

I'm a bit all over the place with my reasons I guess so rather stuck on what my gut says. Will have a think more.

Legallyblonde77 Fri 05-Feb-16 10:48:21

Oops. Time before school I meant

Kewcumber Fri 05-Feb-16 12:27:55

I chose DS in the end because I couldn't think of a credible reason why not to! My gut was noticeably absence... thankfully as it turned out.

Why not say that you'll consider any child who would have at least a year at homewith you prior to starting school - that could push your upper age to 4 depending on birthday of child and time of year.

I'm not sure that there are many significant (developmental) milestones between 3 and 4 and tbh you end up making your own milestones which baffle other people. - my favorite was been with me longer than he hadn't been with me.

DS wasn't speaking much by 3 and still quite a long way behind developmentally so you can have a huge impact on the development of a child at that age.

Kewcumber Fri 05-Feb-16 12:34:40

and without wanting to sound too shallow, DS was a beautiful child who was always beautifully dressed (IMVHO)

I'm not sure this is helpful but first picture is DS nearly 3 second is him nearly 4 - he's still such a baby.

arielmanto Fri 05-Feb-16 16:42:22

Kew he was (is!) gorgeous!

We have been approved since November, so not long at all really, and are waiting for a link. At the moment we feel quite calm about it, having been aware of the waiting times when we started out, last March. Having said that there are days when all you do is hit refresh in your emails. It's hard living in limbo, and not being able to get fully excited about things, in case it's another year away..
Feeling your pain, and wishing you the best of luck Legally and hope something happens for you soon. flowers

slkk Sun 07-Feb-16 10:15:32

Yes. Ds came at 3 1/2 , still in nappies, barely speaking. Still such a baby! It was great to have a year at home with him, slowly building up a bit of time at nursery, before school though. However, New rules say summer born children can defer starting reception for a year and not have to remain their original year group. So a child who is 4 after (I think) april or may won't have to start school until the September after they are 5!
Ultimately you have to go with your gut, but this might help you see that you could potentially widen your age bracket and still have the time and experiences that you want.
Lovely pics, Kew.

slkk Sun 07-Feb-16 10:16:38

I mean not have to return to their original year group (they stay in the same cohort all through school).

Kr1stina Sun 07-Feb-16 18:38:28

What they all said.

I think that you should defer school entry whenever you can, especially if you live in England where they start school so much younger than in other European countries . Adopted children really need as much time as possible at home with mum ( assuming she is the main carer )

Squigglypig Sun 14-Feb-16 16:15:03

We've been approved since November 2014 and not even a sniff of anything yet. Our parameters are a child under 2, although we could push it to 3 now as our daughter is 5. Our social worker tells us to be patient and that it will happen but I'm having trouble imagining it. As someone said you thought hard about your criteria and if they were right for you then then unlikely to change. Not very helpful but just so you know you are not alone.

bostonkremekrazy Sun 14-Feb-16 22:59:43

legallyblonde - we had a 3.5 old and a 1.5 yr old. both had no speech, in nappies, used bottles. both very much babies. older ds matured much quicker than the younger one of course but they needed us to equally baby them and be little for a while. it helped our bond and encouraged their attachment to us. we delayed the start of state nursery, and when it did start we did very short hours at first.

we also wanted a girl, and ended up with 2 boys - we saw their picture and fell in love. it was that simple.

7 years later we have just brought their birth sister home - as an under 1, and she - like them - is perfect for our family smile

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