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The Baby Years

(12 Posts)
mumofblueeyes Tue 02-Feb-16 20:11:57

Sorry if this topic has been done before but I am in a bit of a quandary and could do with some Mumsnet opinions.
We were recently approved and are now being considered for a little boy who is 2 years 8 months. He is likely to be nearly 3 if we were lucky enough to be selected.
We are of course excited to be considered but feel a bit sad that we could miss the baby years. I am guessing that a nearly 3 year old means no cots, nappies and snuggly bottles of milk....
Does anyone else have experience of adopting this age range and how did you feel about missing those early years?
Thank you in advance for any thoughts. X

mydutifullaunderette Tue 02-Feb-16 20:39:41

It depends on the individual child, of course, but I'm sure you've been advised that there's a strong chance the child will be emotionally and physically younger than their bio age. My LO was about that age when they came to me, and definitely still in nappies, sleeping in a cot, and having a bottle at bedtime (although otherwise eating and drinking in a more age-expected way). It's also encouraged to do quite a bit of "baby regression" wherever the child will tolerate it, as it really helps bonding - so lots of skin contact cuddles (I used a sling as LO was small physically), lots of rocking etc. And, um, the sleep was epicly awful grin so I kind of felt there was an element of baby-type experience, because there was a LOT of rocking and comforting back to sleep through the nights!

Only you can know how much those very early times are critical to you - there was a lovely thread on here fairly recently about all the "firsts" you still experience when adopting a child who is not a baby. Things like the first time they say mum, or the first time they put their arms up for a cuddle, or let you comfort them when they fall over...

Haffdonga Tue 02-Feb-16 21:17:14

One thread about the same issue here. smile

Thread

Italiangreyhound Tue 02-Feb-16 21:39:33

Our son was three almost 4 when he came. I was a bit sad as I had thought about a baby, even though I know there are very few babies (under 1 year) awaiting adoption. I have a birth dd (9 at the time) and had experienced the fun, and the pain, of those early months so it was not so hard to say yes to our adorable boy (now 5).

At the end of the day only you can decide.

In the end for us it was miss out on the first three of his life or miss out on all of his life, we felt (having read his full profile but not seen his picture) that we did not want to miss out on knowing him.

BUT there is no right or wrong answer, it really needs to be you deciding what is right for you.

Good luck.

tldr Tue 02-Feb-16 22:52:16

Tiny little thread about missing the milestones other people talk about;
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2552515-Missing-firsts

MintyLizzy9 Wed 03-Feb-16 12:44:09

Hi mumofblueeyes I'm the 'selfish cow' from the above link! Lots of excellent advice was given to me over those few days and I had a few sleepless night (many more since but that's a different story!). I so wanted to experience the baby years but after almost a year of waiting and a number of last minute fall throughs I really had to rethink it. My DS was 23 months when we finally became a family and I honestly haven't looked back! I have been very lucky so far, he has very mild global delay which he has mostly caught up on apart from speech, he still sleeps in a cot, nappies (oh the nappies :/) no bottles but LOTS and LOTS of cuddles smile There has been some regression such as crawling and sleep (or lack of it!) wanting me to feed him, so as others have said it does feel like I've had some of that 'baby' experience. It's still very early days for us, we are 8 weeks into being a little unit and if I could travel back in time and answer my own post it would be listen to your heart and go for it! I don't for one second regret missing the baby years, my precious boy wouldn't have been mine if I had gone for a baby as he wasn't ready to be adopted until he was almost 22 months. Yes, after what feels like a lifetime of waiting it was an absolute whirlwind from initial call about him to starting intros!

There are many more experienced adopters on here with much better words than me but from my heart I can't imagine my life without him. Seeing the joy on his little face when he learns something new or sees his 30th plane of the day fly over just melts my heart. To me he is the perfect age to be spending my year off work with, we are never at home, always out and about doing fun things, in fact typing this in the car whilst he has a nap before our next play date grin

Only you can really decide if you can give up the full baby experience, for me there was something from the first call about DS that tugged at me, I had rejected profiles previously so kind of knew that as desperate as I was I was still thinking rationally! Get all the info you can and take it from there. A massive perk is as this age there are far fewer uncertainties re health and development and I may me biased but a snotty, sloppy toddler kiss is the best thing ever!

Best of luck with whatever you decide flowers

tldr Wed 03-Feb-16 13:19:17

mintylizzy I have a little something in my eye. Congrats flowers

mumofblueeyes Wed 03-Feb-16 18:00:15

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. Minty Lizzie, inspiring post, so glad to hear your story x

MintyLizzy9 Wed 03-Feb-16 20:10:04

Honestly try not to over think it, I did and almost sent myself over the edge! Think back to the first time you heard about LO, what did your heart tell you? I know not everyone feels like this or decides this way but looking back I think by my SW second sentence I had a little chill. I had to count up the weeks for my first reply and had to do it twice as I thought sod off its longer than 8 weeks! He was always my family we just didn't know it until recently!

I suppose what I am rambling on about is follow your instincts/gut whatever you want to call it. It takes a long time and a lot of thought and soul searching to get this far, you know what you want/can handle so don't doubt yourself (veeeery easy to say this side of the decision I know!) if your decision is to go ahead or not, whatever you decide will be right for you.

I don't envy you the decision but I will tell you what my amazing best friend told me most days for a couple of years, whatever happens today you are one day closer to bringing your child home X

Mrscollydog Wed 03-Feb-16 21:41:21

Minty Lizzie, Italian greyhound et al lobed reading these posts . We start intros next weds for our bubba who is 18 months. Had so many wobbles as also would have loved a baby but my heart has always said yes since I read the first 'advert' about her so following that. Hoping there will be enough "baby" there to satisfy my yearning. So lovely to hear the way everyone talks with such love and passion about their children. I spent to much time trawling adoption UK and the bad news type forums. Thought so much about what could go wrong and what thought I wanted we almost backed out.
Good luck with everything mum of blueyes.

Mrscollydog Wed 03-Feb-16 21:41:57

Loved not lobed!!!!!

mydutifullaunderette Thu 04-Feb-16 10:02:34

Good luck for your intros Mrscollydog - pace yourself, they are the most exhausting time ever!

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