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nursery v childminder for adopted child

(30 Posts)
meandyouplustwo Wed 20-Jan-16 19:03:05

Hi
I'm looking for adopters views on childcare for young children who are adopted .... all views welcome.
We adopted a baby aged 11 months last year , I have taken a full year off work and had a great time attending mothers and toddlers , music groups, swimming etc and had fantastic fun with a little girl who has been a joy to look after but its soon time to return to work ( 3 days). I also have an 8 year old and we often have children round. My young daughter, now aged 2 appears bright , sociable and very loving with an independent streak and loves being with others.
My dilemma is this ..........
My eldest daughter went to a childminder, loved it, the relationship is still there all these years later and she has become a close friend, unfortunately she isn't childminding anymore. It was childminder all the way for me, home environment , small group , individual (almost) attention. But with my adopted daughter I'm not so sure.
Because she has been in foster care from 10 days until coming to us at 11 months I don't want to confuse her, will it feel like moving on again because its in a home and not a nursery which feels different.
She has done one morning at nursery ( 2 hours) and appeared to enjoy it , she was happy on the visits and the nursery is the best that i have seen ........ nothing to not like.
Has anyone else had these thoughts and what did they do ?

slkk Wed 20-Jan-16 19:42:58

Yes. I had to return to work for a few weeks after a year off (then had major surgery, so it really was just a few weeks) and so we arranged for ds (then aged 4) to go to play with a friend in the morning and be taken to nursery in the afternoon. Well, he went ballistic. Hitting, spitting, throwing things. Although he is older, he has SEN and very little understanding of why he moved before, so no real reason in his head not to move again. In the end dh took time off work, then he went to a new all day nursery for a few weeks and was fine. Even now if he spends too long with another female adult (even if I am there) he usually starts experimenting by calling her mummy while looking at me questioningly. He's 5 now and we can't leave him with anyone. After school club is ok. So, in my experience, institutions seem to be far better as there are rules (mummy drops me, mummy always comes back) and in his world, other people's homes are scary as one day I might not come back. He's been placed 18 months.

mybloodykitchen Wed 20-Jan-16 20:24:12

If I were having to make this choice for dc who is of a similar age and has been home a similar length of time I would go with a childminder or a nanny just because of the individual attention and the fact that I could have those important conversations about how and why she would need more nurturing attention than other children might with one person who I'd have picked on the basis that they'd provide that.

It's a slightly different situation from sikk because I don't think my dc remembers another home etc (I am not saying the trauma is not there just that it's not associated with a home environment changing in that way).

But you know your child and her unique situation and whether you will get another brilliant childminder...

dibly Wed 20-Jan-16 20:24:41

Agree with Sikk, our LO came to us at under 1, confused attachment to start with, so we went with nursery and it's been great. They've reinforced the 'mummy always comes back' mantra, and while she gets attached to her key workers there, we've been able to move her on to the next room and worker fairly easily, it's done wonders for her speech and confidence, and we've no regrets at all. I also think it's a good grounding for school, but that's a while off yet :-)

NigelLikesSalad Wed 20-Jan-16 20:41:49

We are going with a childminder. LO has come to us as a very young baby and I'm not back at work until a few months after his first birthday. Reasons for a childminder is that she will be able to give LO the individual attention we want him to have, at such a young age we worried he might get a bit lost in a big room with lots of children and adults around. I only want his care to be provided by a few key people, not a variety of nursery staff. If there's any changes in those nursery staff I have no say over it or they may be whereas I've chosen the childminder, I know her and we can build a relationship. She's aware LO is adopted is and happy to care for him in a way we feel is right. I just don't think a nursery could do that.

Every child is different though and what is right for one will be completely wrong for the other.

CheeseAtFourpence Wed 20-Jan-16 20:58:45

Our LO was a few months old and we went with a nursery albeit a small one. We felt (and it turned out to be right for us) that a childminder would pose attachment problems in terms of one figure to bond with. LO does show some attachment issues with female figures and nursery 'diluted' the opportunity for her to do this.

tldr Wed 20-Jan-16 22:46:31

We chose nursery so as to not to make confusion. The other part of me is sad it wasn't a childminder at 2 as I'd have preferred that, but we didn't think it was worth the risk, and at 3 I'm delighted with how nursery has worked out and pleased he didn't have to change setting to have that.

I'm sure a large part of its success was we'd spent a lot of time taking older sib into/out of nursery/school so he knew the drill already, including the 'mummy comes back' bit.

meandyouplustwo Thu 21-Jan-16 13:05:28

thankyou everyone , really appreciate the feedback .
i took some photos at the nursery and when i show my LO she gets very excited so she is obviously enjoying and looking forward to going again.
tidr , cheese , my reasons are the same as yours but realistically i know im not going to find such a great childminder who can also cover school holidays.
But ....... MY preference is childminder ! have to keep telling myself its not about me , but what is right for her. We see some of the attachment differences , she is everybody's friend will sit with other mummy's and not show concern of where we are at all times. anyone else see this ? and what do you do , if she is guided back to me she gets cross , at other times she is very loving and we definitley feel a bond with her , not sure she feels the same ........ yet ( always optimistic !)

Kr1stina Thu 21-Jan-16 13:27:16

We see some of the attachment differences , she is everybody's friend will sit with other mummy's and not show concern of where we are at all times. anyone else see this ? and what do you do , if she is guided back to me she gets cross , at other times she is very loving and we definitley feel a bond with her , not sure she feels the same ........ yet

I would ask all my friends and family not to pick her up , cuddle her or sit her on their knee .

When did you stop funelling? I think you need to go back to it . Her early months in placement sound very busy with lots of groups and activities. Her behaviour may be telling you that she can't cope with that yet.

meandyouplustwo Thu 21-Jan-16 13:45:14

hi kristina , thankyou for replying , we havent left her with anyone at all except me or her dada for the whole year , yes we have gone to groups but no more than two a week always with me . I have become friends with 1 other mum who has a daughter the same age , we see her every morning at school when im taking my older child and one morning an activity . I do one morning at home / alternate with next day activity and all weekend is our family time , yes people have been very respectful and do direct her back to me but she is starting to be selective and making choices of who she sits with. often its me , sometimes her dad , or her friends mum ( who sends her back to me)
She loves visitors to the house and gets very excited , also happy to say goodbye ( unless its me or her dad which is a reassuring attachment). She does seek us out to share excitement , i.e when she hears a favourite song or is enjoying an activity .
Yes i will be more aware of funnelling but this will be very difficult with going back to work.
its an emotional time and obviously I want to get it right

fasparent Thu 21-Jan-16 20:03:18

Think there would be more access too support and information at nursery.,
more so if it's based at Sure Start Centre or Children's Centre , who will be able too centre on more additional activity's, and support programmes
from other outreach services SEN,OT's, Therapist, Etc.

meandyouplustwo Fri 22-Jan-16 12:40:29

well yesterday i met a childminder who lives on my road , she also works the two days i may sometimes need in school holidays and i am going to meet her on monday.
we have used sure start , I dont have any concerns about her development , in fact she is advanced in all her milestones - just want to get her emotional needs met
thankyou

Kewcumber Fri 22-Jan-16 12:49:18

I went for a childminder but my child had been institutionalised and nursery felt quite like that so it wasn't right for him. I don't think you can generalise but can only decide on a child by child basis.

fasparent Fri 22-Jan-16 15:34:23

QUITE CORRECT Kew all depends on needs both can be appropriate , have experienced baby's with significant needs that require very early interventions in nursery , most have improved significantly and moved on too permanency , some put on pathway list and found a specialist nursery at age two , allowing more support and Education health care planning put in place. O!! for a Chrystal Ball, can be very sad some time's.

poppystellar Fri 22-Jan-16 15:50:05

Not much to add to the excellent advice given so far but for what it's worth I went with nursery to avoid the potential confusion a childminder might cause my LO. I'm a single parent and although attachment had been very positive / successful since she arrived at 2 1/2, she had had multiple primary caregivers prior to being adopted and did remember and talk about her last foster carers so it felt important not to introduce another individual in a home setting. Like you my personal preference would have been for a great childminder for all the reasons you state but my LO is very happy and settled at school now and I know this has been helped by being at nursery and knowing that in that context 'mummy always comes back'. By the way, this doesn't mean there weren't tears every morning when I left her at nursery but buying a special comfort toy (a baby rabbit) that she took to nursery and slept with every night helped to comfort her and in fact I would leave my LO at nursery crying, I'd go off feeling terribly distraught and worried and spend all day stressing about how she was coping and yet without fail every time I picked her up nursery would report she had stopped crying within minutes and had had a really positive day which was obvious from the smile on her face and the fact that she now, at the ripe old age of 5, talks about nursery very fondly.

meandyouplustwo Fri 22-Jan-16 16:44:32

thankyou poppystellar , thats my exact reason for not originally going with childminder , and fasparent yes i wish i had a crystal ball x

ChristineDePisan Sat 23-Jan-16 13:11:36

Agree it's highly child specific: for DD nursery was the right setting for her, and we were lucky that she had a fab key worker with prior experience of looked after children

treacledan71 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:36:24

I went childminder too. DC was 2 and a half. I had a year off work. Main reason was cause she was recommended and the best but always when DS started preschool and school she cld help out with drops etc. If at nursery I would have to look diff options. I do school hours now so don't need her as much but use in hols with mixture of holiday clubs at school ie. Cheaper and different crowd. He still loves her loads.

treacledan71 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:38:26

I was lucky too DH had flexible job so I did not have to stress re times

meandyouplustwo Mon 25-Jan-16 11:06:50

So today is 2nd introduction day at nursery, she was happy to go in and greeted everyone with a wave and a smile ............ but stayed glued to my side. I played with her and a nursery worker for 10 minutes and walked around , she would become interested in the train , but then look for me , giving me a big smile before carrying on playing, i said goodbye at some point and while she was playing I walked out. As I walked past the window i could see her looking around then a worker took her look at a story book ..... and i drove away.... i'm a complete mess and feel my heart is breaking , my poor baby ....... i want her to have experiences and become confident and know that when i am out of sight i will be back ( we never say goodbye , always see you later).
My eldest daughter was much younger when she started with a childminder , she took to it straight away , and while I'm seeing nothing terrible it all feels so wrong to be passing her over to others when she cant tell me how she feels.
Needing a virtual hug here.

NigelLikesSalad Mon 25-Jan-16 14:39:05

Oh you poor thing. I think every mum feels exactly the same but knowing what our little ones have been through makes it so much harder. Sounds like she was doing well when you left. The nursery will call if any problems. I'm sure she will have a lovely time and you can gauge how she gets on over time. If it's not the right setting for her you don't have to persevere with it.

tldr Mon 25-Jan-16 20:57:55

How did she do?

thefamilyvonstrop Mon 25-Jan-16 21:31:32

After I dropped my LO at nursery for the first time, I burst into tears and cried at the roadside kerb. A dinner lady rushed out and gave me a cuddle and told me it would be ok and my LO would settle. And she was right - touch wood, it's all going really well but the first few weeks took lots of reassurance (for both of us!).
I hope you feel ok and your LO had a settled day.

meandyouplustwo Mon 25-Jan-16 21:38:43

yes Nigellikessalad, it feels very different to my eldest, she had always been with us and trusted us. Youngest has already been through two seperations and although she appears unaffected ............... who knows ? couldnt bear for her to feel we had abandoned her.
the nursery rang after lunch to say she had a great morning playing outside , a few tears at lunchtime when she couldnt move her chair but soon recovered and allowed a cuddle. wasnt sleeping but not upset , i was just on way to fetch her when they said she had fallen asleep so back to later pick up.

when i arrived at 2 she was sat listening to a story and eating an apple , i watched her for a couple of minutes before she saw me , gave a big smile and said mama while holding out her apple to me , my heart flipped because she looked so happy .......... but i am going to miss her so much

Im going ahead to meet a child minder tomorrow , just to make sure , but its a good nursery and a good start

thankyou everyone for the thoughtful views and replies x

Barbadosgirl Mon 25-Jan-16 22:19:35

I can relate! Our Pixie just started nursery. Leaving him was heart breaking.

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