Best adoption book for friends/extended family

[KumquatMay]

We are now finally far along enough on our adoption journey that we have started telling people around us about our hopes/plans. But I'm well aware that Grandparents/uncles/aunties-to-be and other family members and friends have had so much less information than us on bonding and attachment and some of the ways in which parenting of adoptive children is different (or similar) to parenting of birth children.

Can anyone recommend any good articles or books that I can pass on to them to read? Thanks!

[tldr]

Try this:
www.amazon.co.uk/Related-adoption-handbook-grandparents-relatives/dp/1910039039/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1452537715&sr=8-10&keywords=Adoption&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Made not a blind bit of difference, but it's not the book's fault

[Jidgetbones]

I bought the book above. I think it's a great introduction.

[Kewcumber]

Lucky you - I don;t think nay of my lot would have been prepared to read a book about it. To be fair my mum adores DS but I don;t think most people acept that adoption is any different to giving birth - its just that your child isn't new born.

If you go in too heavily with the potential problems they think you're being all attention seeky and dramatic.

[Jidgetbones]

Oh, I had to just leave it lying around in a carefree sort of a fashion. Next to the toilet one visit, coffee table the next. I only know they flicked through because of a comment here and there.

[dibly]

Ha, my family are similar to Kews. This is really short and easy to flick through, www.amazon.co.uk/A-guide-to-Attachment/dp/0955938023?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It won't give any in depth knowledge but it's a good way of introducing the subject. Good luck.

[KumquatMay]

Thanks all. I don't know whether they'll read it or not, I'd just like something or other to suggest if they would. I'm aware that we get alot of information on attachment and adoptive parenting from all avenues, but if family were interested in finding out about it then they might not know the best place to look. Cheers!

[LateToTheParty]

I can recommend both those books. The second one can also be bought from Timpsons (the cobbler/ key cutters company).

This factsheet is good too, not long (4 pages) but helpful to stop well meaning people from ploughing in or inadvertently saying the wrong thing.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/adoption-and-fostering/Documents/Adoption%20UK%20Factsheet%2012%20-%20Supporting%20prospective%20adopters%20with%20a%20new%20placement%20June%202013.pdf

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Ha ha ha ha ha...yup, best of luck with that..."You'll find all children do that."

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

I may have been a bit flippant above , but seriously, I think the most important thing to work on with family especially is that they probably will think you're bonkers and looking to find problems that aren't there, but you need to not care. If they are willing to learn and take things on board then fantastic, but we had several members who diligently read what they were given, but it all went out the window when faced with an adorable little bundle.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

Yep to all the books above - all are weighty enough to throw the first time they say "oh, they don't remember" or "yes, all kids do that".

[Kewcumber]

Ha ha family I should find my post from several years ago when someone asked about a book to give thier parents when they were making such comment.

I heartily recommended "The adoption parents complete handbook" (or similar) as it was hefty enough to hurt when applied to the back on the head. (I might be paraphrasing)

[TheIceCreamCometh]

Yep: bought the books and took them in the family and friends training day. Made no difference and they thought our parenting was weird. What did make my ILs stop and think was about 18 months post adoption when our LO was going out with them in their car, and asked if he was going to go and live with them now. That was the point where they realised that actually the kids do remember what's happened (ours was 2 when placed) and the damage doesn't magically disappear just because they have a permanent loving family.

Agree about getting the heaviest one to apply to the back of their heads!

[MrEBear]

My child (5) is soon to get a little cousin (3.5) via adoption. What is the best way to explain it to my DC.
I have asked SIL for help however she seems to be hoping "a new cousin" is all that's required. But I fear the "where did they come from", " they aren't a baby" questions I'd rather have some answers ready before I say something wrong.
Should I explain before they meet?

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

I would. I'd explain that the family they were born into couldn't keep them safe/look after them, so they are coming to be a part of your family forever. Showing a picture beforehand should also help.

Presumably you don't know the back story anyway, so if they ask any more you can honestly say you don't know as it's a private thing just for their new cousin and their parents.

[Kewcumber]

I wouldn't. I would say nothing that the parents hadn't rubber stamped myself.

There won't be many five year olds that will ask much if they are told "you are getting a new cousin, her name is Emily and she's 3.5 and we'll be meeting her next month/year. Isn't that lovely for Auntie ALice and UNcle Jim"

More questions should be met with "Ooh I don't know, maybe I'll ask Auntie Alice one day"

When DS was 5 he had absolutely no concept of what adoption really meant so any attempt at explaining it (and it was repeated led to him being able to repeat the words I'd said but not really grasping it), he was also incapable of keeping it to himself and you won't want your SIL to hear (if its a small community) that your DC has been telling all and sundry about the adoption. DS did that (despite my trying to gently cajole into not telling everyone) and he regrets it now.

Most children don't really get the concept of adoption until they're about 7 or 8 so don't overthink it.

[Buster5187]

I agree with Kew. Other way around here as we were the ones adoption LO (4). But family and friends with little ones 3-6 didn't question it at all. Their mums just said we're going to see Buster and your new cousin DS. They just accepted that with no further thought.

[Buster5187]

adopting!*

[MrEBear]

Thankyou ladies I'll go with "you have a new cousin to meet". If I get away with it great if not then answer carefully along the lines of first family weren't able to care for them.

[Kewcumber]

I can't tell you how much I wouldn't say this "first family weren't able to care for them." - sorry but I feel very strongly that your SIL doesn't want to you say anything except "new cousin - tadaaaa!". You don;t even know that it's true - their birth family may have all died - though at a stretch I suppose that's covered by "can't care for them"

If you child asks more questions then you should say "I don't know - I will ask Auntie Blah one day, but not now" and ask your SIL again what she wants you to say if anything.

Your child's possible curiosity about their new cousin doesn't trump the parents rights to deal with it in their own time, if ever. They probably haven't even got their heads around what they're going to say to people who ask yet. It's a big deal for them and may take them a while to get their heads around, you shouldn't take that away from them.

So many adopted children feel under pressure to tell people that they're adopted or the details of their adoption and it's really not on. DS has been given "permission" to say "That's private and my mum says I don't have to talk about that if I don't want to".