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Positive Contact

(9 Posts)
quickchange123 Sat 17-Oct-15 11:09:55

Just received our contact a number of months late. This is not all down to BM, the LA have dragged their heels somewhat but we have it now.

The positive news is that one of the Grandma's has written a really lovely letter. Makes reference to things we talked about in our letter and talks about our LO's family (us) and sends best wishes to us all. I am so surprised by this that I feel like writing back to thank her (I can't yet obviously).
I just wish she had helped BM write her letter. No reference made to anything we had written and all about BM and how sad she is and big capital letters when signing off as MUMMY!!

Do BP's get support in writing these letters? the content was upsetting for LO and I found myself skipping parts. sad

anxious123 Sat 17-Oct-15 14:47:34

Speaking as a BM, I didn't get help - other than some lovely people on these very boards - to write letterbox and some very very brief do's and don't's. I was given details for After Adoption but they only come to my area every so often so it didn't seem.like a good route to go down.

I know my son's parents can send anything back that isn't appropriate and request a 're write? Is this something available to you.

I know how difficult I found writing letterbox so I'm by no means excusing BMs selfishness of her words but maybe take some positive that she did write?

I was hugely guided by what his mum had written and generally tried to reply to what she had said with some references to my likes/dislikes as a child. I too went through a stage when I desperately wanted to write how sad I was, how much I still love him, how much it had hurt but I knew that'd be disruptive to him and his family but it is very difficult to see past those emotions particularly in the very early days.

I'm absolutely not saying her letter was acceptable or ok in any way shape or form, I'm just trying to give you another point in the triangle so to.speak.

Glad one of the letters was positive - take from.that if you can.

Look after yourselves xx

Italiangreyhound Sat 17-Oct-15 17:04:42

quickchange123 Can I ask how old your little one is and how long she has been with you? Do you normally read out the letters? we do not read th eletters to our son (who is 5 and has been with us 18 months).

I drip feed in bits from the letters - e.g. I know your birth mum loves flowers, or liked fun fairs as a child, etc.
We did this for two reasons, one - we do not know of she will continue to write and two - we were not sure how much and what she would write.

If too long the letters might be met by boredom from ds, who is not that interested at the moment in his past. If the letters are too short he may be left wanting more! so drip feeding has worked for us.

I am not sure how I feel about a birth mum singing 'mummy'. Our son's birth mum signs her name. But to be honest for me, I am not sure it would worry me too much, he is my son, but his birth mum is his birth mum.

I feel her going on about how she feels is a sign she is not totally able to put his needs above hers. Which I understand. In your shoes I woudl try and teach my son to understand this, she is sad and misses you, because she loves you, but she could not look after you or keep you safe so there was no other way for things to be (I am talking about our situation, not yours).

You could ask social worker or contact person to ask her not to call herself mummy or not to speak about this or that. But she may not listen. I would be tempted to tell her positive stuff and try and guide her in what you would like to hear about, e.g. for me ds would like to know about his birth and when he lived in a house in the country etc (fake examples!!).

Good luck.

disneygirl10 Sat 17-Oct-15 19:57:40

My son is 5 I don't share letter boxes with him yet either. We do talk about bm and adoption generally though.
At the moment the letters are written between me and bm to each other, as ds gets older I will share more. To be honest though we only get a few paragraphs back, I write a lot! So not much to share. Bm has written back to say thanks for writing really.
I definitely don't think it aprioate for her to sign off as Mummy.
When my son is older enough I will involve him more, and ask him if he wants me to continue write.

Velvet1973 Mon 19-Oct-15 17:10:58

I know our lo's bm gets support as she goes to the offices at LA and they help her. I think she struggles with writing if indeed she can at all so they actually write. I therefore assume if she were to "dictate" something inappropriate they would offer guidance. We've only had 1 letter so far (was the only one due so far) and I was really pleased she has done it. The letter was a few months late but better late than never. Lo is only 16 months so too young to be upset by waiting for a letter that doesn't arrive.
LA rung to ask if we would accept the letter and said then that she receives a lot of help in doing them. We'll see if it's something she continues but I do hope so.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 19-Oct-15 21:25:52

Our BM gets help writing her letters, mainly as she can't write well, so she sort of says what she wants to say and the support worker writes it down for her.

She used to sign off Mummy XXX but after a couple of years we asked that it changed to just XXX as we felt it was confusing for our youngest.

(We refer to her as birth mum or XXX rather than Mummy)

quickchange123 Tue 20-Oct-15 09:40:38

Thanks all - just logging back on now as LO is poorly.

Anxious thanks so much for your response. I have been thinking about the letters since we received them and I think you have a good point. We almost did not expect anything this time around and at least she has written. I've also been thinking about how hard this must be for her post the adoption order and now I am wishing I had made some reference to it i.e. we know how much you miss xxx but we want you to know we will look after and will talk to LO about you.... something like that. Not sure if that would be helpful or not.

Italian our LO is 6. We have never read the letters previously but LO had been asking about birth family and we felt like it would be good for her to know they were thinking of her. I am not sure if we were right or not. It would be difficult for us to drip feed information as she really hasn't said anything in the letters other than how sad she is and how much she misses LO (which I am sure she does). I am thinking about next contact already and will definitely ask some questions for BM to answer.
I think her letter does show she is still not putting our DD first but I am hoping that changes as she gets older.

I have told DD that BM is still her mum - that will never change. I just felt the capital letters and LARGE print were a little off.

Thanks so much everyone.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 22-Oct-15 21:24:42

As a birth mum. No we don't get any support at all. In fact it's hard to even get the letters even when we know they are there. It's social services dragging their heels. Even with pushing its still difficult. I've had to get my solicitor to contact them in the past.

I sign of with my Christian name .No last name (i plan on changing my surname and would like to keep that private)

I always try to refer to their letters. News about holidays (summer holidays are over now. Hope you had a really nice xxxx was so good to hear miracle is good at y I was/ wasn't or nanny was wasn't etc so also giving them more info on me

quickchange123 Thu 22-Oct-15 22:26:47

Miracle I have seen a few of your posts and really appreciate your input. I think your LO is very lucky as it's clear you have always put LO first.
I am hoping DDs BM will grow to do the same. I am thinking more and more about what I can write to, hopefully, engage her in some sort of 'conversation'.

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