Son visiting former foster carers home - opinins, please

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all

My ds (5) adopted 18 months ago has seen his beloved former foster carer about 5 times. Each time we meet he is less and less interested in her and less interested in a hug with her, in a good way. Yet he is always happy to talk about her and says nice things about her.

We are planning our belated summer meet up and ds has suggested we go to her house. I had been told this was a no no but as it is coming from him we are not sure whether to go ahead. His old room is there, except of course now there is a new foster child in it.

Any thoughts, please?

[ladybug201]

He's yours.

Why do you want to?

[Kimi10]

Our ds(5) has visited his former foster home several times. We think it is nice for him to see his foster parents. He likes to hear about when he was a baby, I think he thinks it is funny. They usually have another baby and he likes to look at the baby.
His foster parents were wonderful about the adoption and very supportive of his transition, so we have been very comfortable with them. We have stayed in their home and they have recently been guests in ours.

[Italiangreyhound]

ladybug201 I am not sure I understand the question. Why do I want to what? It is ds who wants to visit his former foster carer in the home she lives in, which he once shared with their family. I don't mind where we meet.

Kimi thanks that is so helpful. Yes, we too have a good relationship with them and see them about two or three times a year. I know it will lesson off as time goes on but I think it is good for ds and maybe nice for them too. The came to us for a visit last Christmas, just briefly, and it all went well. Ds is very comfortable around his former foster carer.

[M0rven]

It's better if they meet in your home or a neutral location , like a park . I think visiting their home might be hard for him, especially seeing another child in his room

[ladybug201]

Perhaps things have changed and this is a 'thing' now but I am genuinely confused as to what the positives would be.

I understand he may wish to see her again, but i feel it might be difficult for him to see that things have moved on.

I realise things have changed but I don't think I'd be comfortable with this.

[dibly]

I'd keep it on neutral territory tbh, think it would be less confusing for him.

[IamnotaspoonIamafork]

In terms of "is this a thing now?" - generally, one visit in adopters' home or on neutral ground is encouraged, around 4-6 weeks after placement. The SW's theory is that it can help children not feel rejected, or not worry something bad happened to former FCs. I am not sure I buy that, but we went along with it. It was stressful for LO and we couldn't see a benefit in maintaining more visits, so stopped it at that one. Naturally we talk about FCs as part of life story book, and if questions come up, I'm happy to get back in touch if LO needs it.

I would not visit their home personally, but can't speak for what's right for your child. I'd wonder whether you could be sure he wasn't just testing you, actually seeking reassurance about staying put?

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

DD1 found it unsettling for them to visit us or vice versa. We now meet somewhere neutral.

[Italiangreyhound]

ConfusedInBath Re Can I ask how soon did DS see his FC after placement and how often please? Did SW advise this?

The social worker recommended we saw her after one month and we just went from there so we kind of went something like one month in, three months in, six months in, and now see her two or three times a year. It is working well for us. It is a choice, luckily the former foster carer is happy to do this and does not live far away. It may not be forever, but for now it works. I consider her a friend.

ConfusedInBath Re When GS came from his FC there was no intimation that we wiykd be seeing her, not from anyone. He was handed over and that was it. I honestly believe if he had seen her it ma have helped with some of the issues he has. They were very close and to lose that relationship as well as losing his BM I think it's been too much.

I am very sorry to hear this. We knew it would be beneficial for him and we were lucky former foster carer was co-operative. For some children it may not be needed but ds was a pre-schooler who had been there a while, we felt it was needed for him. He made it clear he wanted that contact too.

ConfusedInBath - How long has your little one been with you?

M0rven Thanks. Can you say why or your experience of this, please?

ladybug201 Re Perhaps things have changed and this is a 'thing' now but I am genuinely confused as to what the positives would be.

I am not sure either (of the positives of being in his former home). But the positives I can see are:

1. He wants to do it, so it is his choice.
   
2. He can see his former foster carer in her home - so familiar.
   
3. He sees the new foster children in his former home, and understands on a deeper level it is not his home any more. (which is frankly not necessary as he knows his home is with us)
   
   Or did you mean contact with her?
   
   ladybug201, contact is very helpful for him. I can say more if you like. But I think you know what I mean because you say... I understand he may wish to see her again, but i feel it might be difficult for him to see that things have moved on. He really does know things have moved on, his has met new foster children, he knows they exist.
   
   Re I realise things have changed but I don't think I'd be comfortable with this. - I am not uncomfortable with this. I am concerned if ds will be.
   
   dibly thanks. Can you say why or your experience of this, please?
   
   IamnotaspoonIamafork Re I'd wonder whether you could be sure he wasn't just testing you, actually seeking reassurance about staying put? I really feel we are beyond that now. He would be very, very upset at any idea he was not staying with us. We really are mum and dad and sister to him now. We ahve been very lucky and he has settled in well. And I do feel some contact with former foster carer has helped that a lot.
   
   UnderTheNameOfSanders Thanks.

[dibly]

Just that it came up in one of our support groups, and neutral territory was considered best/least unsettling for the kids. Plus it gives you and LO some control over where to meet, and a quick escape if needed.

We've only met our LOs FCC the once, have tried more but she always cancels at the eleventh hour, so limited experience here.

[Hels20]

Italian - you know what is best for your son but I am rather open mouthed that you are visiting the FC's house. Why risk it? I don't get it. Even if I thought DS would be OK - I wouldn't risk it. I would just keep it neutral.

A friend of mine took her son back to FC when he was 10 - after 7 years. That's the sort of time period I would be looking at.

I think my DS would be fine too - visiting FC at her house - but I wouldn't risk it because SWs always told us to keep it neutral and it made sense to me. Your son is 5 - still so little.

Just my opinion.

[ladybug201]

I fully appreciate that there is a school of thought that states that adopted children's pasts are all defining and I also see this is true to an extent.

However, I feel to revisit the past constantly (and five times in eighteen months is a lot, given the child is five) is damaging. I can't help but feel it is better and kinder to focus on the future as a family with you and keep foster carers as 'on the Christmas card list.'

[firefly78]

to the poster who asked why this would be a positive thing its so the child can see their foster carers still care about them and havent rejected them.

[ladybug201]

And how many times over the years does the child need to see them in order to get that message?

A five year old should be able to understand the basic difference between foster and adoptive parents and to establish the difference. If not, then seeing the foster parents is unsettling and strange.

As someone has said, Italian presumably knows her son, but I feel adding the foster family to the mixup of feelings with birth and adoptive parents is a washing machine of divided loyalties.

[firefly78]

i would recommend twice a year..anymore seems excessive

[Italiangreyhound]

dibly thanks, I know it is unusual. I think we will go for a soft play or elsewhere. But I do wonder about it for the future. It has come up before, he has asked about it before, so I wonder if the desire to re-visit his former home will go away or whether it wil not.

One area I wonder about is that foster carer may move so if we do not go back sometime soon we may not be able to. I know that is true for all children, that one may move and they will not be able to revist former home, but for kids who have lived in a lot of different homes it may be more of an issue, I wonder... DD (our birth child) has only lived in two houses in 10 over years, ds has lived in more at least twice that number in half that time.

dibly re We've only met our LOs FCC the once, have tried more but she always cancels at the eleventh hour, so limited experience here. I think your child is younger than mine, and I wonder if s/he spent less time in foster carer's home than mine did (mine over a year). If so I am not sure it is quite so beneficial, but I could be wrong. And of course you can only do what you can do, if the foster carer is unreliable it can be hard. Do you tell LO something is planned? In your shoes I would probably arrange to meet in neutral spot and ask her/him? to text when they arrive and then tell LO we are seeing XYZ today and we are going now. Warn them befor they see the foster carer (don't just 'bump into them' as this can create anxiety) and obviously thnking they will meet and then being let down can also create anxiety! But you are on here to give me advice so just ignore me!

ConfusedInBath re Italian he's been with us since mid June.. I'm flummoxed to why we weren't recommended to have on going contact with his FC. I'm really glad that it's helped your DS by seeing his FC, she sounds very supportive. Glad things are going well for you.

• Well, we were not recommended to have ongoing contact we were 'told' to meet foster carer after a month. Luckily we hit it off with foster carer immediately (she is a bloody saint, so lovely) and she also wanted to meet up and see the boy she had helped to raise so far and see he was OK. I sent her photos of him almost every week in the very early days because I could imagine she missed him (I am sure she did) and we let ds speak to her on the phone a few times. It was a gamble, it is not right for everyone. The social worker was really not sure about our level of contact. We were working on it being less often, as I say, one month in, three months in, six months in and then after that it seemed that maybe twice a year would be OK, as I say we are only 18 months in so it still new. I say a 'gamble' because it might have unsettled him etc!
  

I really had to do what I felt was right, and I am pleased it worked so well. For his first few months here he spoke about foster carer every night. I don't think that was because he saw her, he was saying it before he saw her, but now he doesn't feel the need to talk about her all the time.

So I really think all kids are different. I have no idea how old other people's little ones are, how long they lived with foster carers and whether they had other foster carers.

ConfusedInBath if you really want to know about this, I would start a new thread to find out other people's experiences and read up a bit, but it is only worth this if there is a chance the foster carer would want to and be able to see him/her and if they got on well (some kids do not get on with their foster carers and vice versa). Our foster carer was seriously invested in ds. I know she is busy and has a lot on but she manages to prioritise seeing ds but still things change and we sometimes have to re-schedule plans so I don't commit to telling ds that we will see her unless I know it will really happen on a certain day. I would say she is now, to him, like a slightly distant aunt.

Hels20 Re I am rather open mouthed that you are visiting the FC's house. I am not visiting foster carers house, I am trying to work out if it is a good idea to do this. Re Why risk it? I don't get it. Even if I thought DS would be OK - I wouldn't risk it. I would just keep it neutral.

• Well that is what I am trying to work out. If I felt ds would only be OK I would not risk it, I am thinking it may be beneficial for him. I am basing this on the fact he has asked to do it. But I do know kids don't always know what is best for them!
  

I asked him tonight in the bath and he is happy to go to soft play!

Re A friend of mine took her son back to FC when he was 10 - after 7 years. That's the sort of time period I would be looking at. Can I ask if it went well?

Re Just my opinion. Yes, that is all I am asking for, different perspectives/experiences. Thank you.

ladybug201 Re *I fully appreciate that there is a school of thought that states that adopted children's pasts are all defining and I also see this is true to an extent.

However, I feel to revisit the past constantly (and five times in eighteen months is a lot, given the child is five) is damaging. I can't help but feel it is better and kinder to focus on the future as a family with you and keep foster carers as 'on the Christmas card list.'*

I certainly do not think my ds's past is 'all defining'. It has given him some very significant influences, many of the influences of the birth family have been bad, and of the foster family have been good. Again, this will not be the case for everyone. Some kids may have some very good experiences with birth family or some bad ones with foster family. It is not to re-visit the past, it is us in the present as a family and the foster carer, with kids and foster kids, will pitch up and join in. DS's responses to her are just what I would want, less and less concerned about her and that feels right, but that doesn't mean to me that she has lost all significance for him. But I must totally emphasise this will be different for all, it may well not be right for some.

firefly78 re to the poster who asked why this would be a positive thing its so the child can see their foster carers still care about them and haven't rejected them.

-This is what I had heard too. My ds lost birth family, included extended birth family, in deed everyone and everything he had ever known up to age 3 could so easily have vanished from his life. This is quite normal in adoption, but if we can try to imagine how hard that must be! Contact with former foster carer means he knows he was a significant part of their lives. It is a gamble because seeing her may make him feel sad/confused etc and there was one time, about 6 months in, when we found out she had stayed where we were staying (the holiday location) and I did make the mistake of telling him. He was confused and he made some comments that made me realise I was unwise to share that info with him. So you live and learn. Hence my comments earlier about 'warning'. I think it is important not to just drop things in, I think this applies to some info as well as actual meetings, it needs to be controlled because you do not know how kids will cope. But that also goes for not seeing someone too, will they assume the person has just vanished from their life?

Thanks all.

[Italiangreyhound]

I also realised last year that ds talked about former foster carer more when he felt insecure. He wanted to speak to her (by phone etc) or talk about her, I think it was him feeling uncertain about his place in the world. Now he feels very settled and comfortable and he does not ask to speak to her at all. But if she were to ring when he were there he would want to speak to her. He would look at me for what to say, and I would say 'Tell her about XYZ." And he would, then he would say bye and hang up. I feel this is the appropriate level of interest, I feel very pleased she has been willing to continue to be part of his life in this way.

I do know not everyone has this and not everyone would want this. It is partly that we get along well but most of all it is because I think it is good for ds. If it stopped being good for ds, I would limit contact to a Christmas card.

[Kewcumber]

Italian when he has asked to go to her house, have you asked him why? In most situations I can't say I'd consider a home visit but I think it can in the right circumstances help children process what has happened, that the people who cared for them for so long haven't disappeared and neither has the place they lived. I wonder sometimes for an older child if they feel a little like part of their life has been airbrushed out if you skim over it.

We are planning a birth country visit next year because I think it will help DS make some sense of where he came from but I don't think for a second he will find it easy.

I think it is unusual but that doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong - but if I'm honest I don't think you'll ever know if its the best thing for him or not.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks Kew I think it is probably a non-issue for him, in that it is just a place to go and when I suggested soft play instead he seemed happy.

He is funny in that he gets very upset about small things and is pretty brave about big things!

Next time it comes up I will ask him.