LO talking to strangers

[raggydolls22]

hello all! i don't know if this is something to worry about or not, it just feels a bit weird to me. LO is 16 months, with us since 10 months and says hello to everyone. i didn't really think it was too much of a problem until the other day when she walked up to a stranger and seemed to put her arms up to be picked up, it might just be because she is only just learning to walk so often has her hands in the air but i grabbed her before i could actually see what she was trying to do. she was only an arms length away from me while i was paying for something in a shop. its really hard because people, especially old ladies just come up and touch her and talk to her and i feel i should be trying to make a clear distinction between who is a stranger that we don't talk to and people we know......any thoughts suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[ChocolateJam]

Raggy are you worried about this from an attachment point of view, or is it that you don't think kids should be interacting with strangers? If it's the latter than I cannot agree with you. A vanishingly tiny percentage of strangers will wish your child ill, the rest are potential friends, teachers, coaches, librarians, random people who might help her in an emergency. By all means when she is older teach her that she should never go with strangers, but talking to them is ok.

[JaneDonne]

I'm assuming you have a concern re attachment. We have had similar issues, I think this is a symptom rather than the problem iyswim? While it's concerning if you feel you're doing the right things re primary care and attachment you probably just need to keep an eye on it rather than rushing to change things?

How is lo with YOU? Does she explore her environment and does she check back in with you regularly and look to you for primary care needs?

[tldr]

I think I agree with jane - as long as you've got no concerns about her attachment to you I wouldn't particularly worry about her approaching strangers at this age. LO used to hold court with the world from the confines of his pushchair.

We didn't introduce stranger danger type stuff til LO was much older (4ish) and then those nice old ladies/gents really are a menace with their head-stroking and sweetie-giving... (not least because it's not 'strangers' that are the problem particularly...)

[Italiangreyhound]

raggydolls22 I don't know in terms of attachment and in your shoes I would keep an eye on it, maybe a record diary to see how often it is happening.

I think strangers, as in people we do not yet know, come in many forms. There is the mum you see everyday on the way to school but do not know or speak to, the person serving you in a shop, and the total stranger you have never seen before. Any and all could be a saviour or danger in the right or wrong circumstance.

The thing is appropriate behaviour from the adult and from your child.

Touching or hugging or lifting onto equipment in the park, from strangers, in my book, not OK. Talking, smiling, waving etc from strangers, fine.

So in my book decide what is right for you and your child and follow that through in what you teach them.

I too am an adopter and also a birth parent and I know for children who have been separated from birth parents/foster carers and though the care system there can be additional issues with strangers and concerns which do not apply for kids who have not been through these experiences.

It is is also vital for children to know they do not need to be in close contact or physical contact with adults they do not know. For adult strangers they do not want to talk to, they do not need to talk to them, unless (again) it is appropriate - e.g. talking to a new teacher who they will need to talk to, speaking to a swimming instructor or the life guard at the pool if they are asked a question relating to safety etc. Of course I am thinking well ahead here! For your little one it may be the new nursery teacher.

There is a mistaken belief that forcing kids to talk to people makes them less shy, I don't think it does, it needs to come from within. If your child is naturally outgoing that is great but just watch it in case this is a way for your child to get validation, because really they do not need to get validation from unknown adults.

That's all a bit deep and it may just be they were topping over a bit!

[raggydolls22]

thanks everyone for your suggestions and taking time to reply. it was definitely from an attachment point of view that i was worried about it, I'm not of the belief that everyone is out to cause my child harm, quite the opposite everyone is really friendly which is why it is difficult from an attachment point of view...if that makes sense!
i think, from other signs, that LO is forming good attachment to me and dh e.g. good eye contact and looking to us for reassurance in different situations but i suppose that being so comfortable talking to strangers just feels a bit strange. i do wonder if its just me because its so different to before you have kids, nobody really bothers with you when you're out and about then.
also, i think part of my problem is that i know attachment is a sliding scale, so even though i think she's got good attachment in some ways it doesn't stop me worrying about other things, such as the talking to strangers.
having said all that, we were out walking today and i did realise that we do say hello to lots of things e.g. dogs and horses...sometimes puddles (maybe I'm in need of some more adult interaction?!!!!) so maybe its not so strange that she says hello to other adults aswell?

[dibly]

Hi raggy, don't know if this will help but last year our AD was very indiscriminate with strangers, combined with being rejecting with me, so much so that I started this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/a2171861-Attachment-issues-too-soon-to-know, and got great advice.
From my experience I'd say trust your instincts, and while there's no way of stopping your baby saying hello etc, I found saying in a v loud voice, 'no darling we don't say hello to everyone' stopped some strangers encouraging it.
We also did the safe base course which gave great ideas about how to tailor theraplay for babies, and had a dramatic effect on our family and really improved the attachment.
As time has gone on, and the attachment has grown, then the indiscriminate behaviour has decreased. There's still glimmers of it fishes anxious etc, but nothing on the scale of what we had last year.
Finally, this made me really anxious last year, so take good are of yourself. The first six months are really intense, but I promise it does get easier.

[dibly]

Sorry for typos!

[JaneDonne]

The psych we saw was very clear that they would diagnose attachment from the pov of how lo was with US not how she was with strangers if that makes sense. That's what I mean about it being a symptom. So how us she with you? The crucial bit is the checking in I think.

And tbh she's probably developing attachment to you but she won't be there yet after six months. Dd isn't fully there and it's been over a year but it's coming really well and the flirting with strangers has definitely lessened as it's grown. I tend to move her and do quiet gentle talk around 'hugs are for people we love darling' or 'we don't take food from people we don't know sweetie - mummy get you a biscuit'. It's not her fault that she has had to learn to be so resourceful as to look to strangers for her needs at such a young age.

And you are right that it is a spectrum and she will probably always be a bit freer with strangers than she would otherwise have been. But apparently something like 60% of the general population has disordered attachment so hopefully I can get her into the 40%!

[Velvet1973]

Agree with Jane that at 6 months attachment will be forming but won't be anything like there yet. It's difficult because when you're at that stage and in it, it really feels like it's good and ok. It's only when you look back a few months on and you see the difference that you'll be able to see how much further you will have come. Our lo came to us 9 months ago and certainly 4-5 months ago I was really happy with the attachment and everyone sw's, friends, family etc were commenting on it. It's only now 9 months in, this last 6 weeks or so I have seen a huge difference in lo and the attachment is definitely really strong now. I will say that even 9 months seems quick but our lo came to us at 6 months old so it has been easier.
I also think the last couple of months I've been using a baby carrier with him a lot more and I think this has also made a huge difference. He was resistant at first and not comfortable the first few minutes in it being forced to be so close but now he loves it! We got a new carrier today that is bigger and we tried it on, he was only in for a few minutes whilst we tried it and I took it off and put him down and he started crying and gesturing to get back in.
My mum also used it last week for the first time and yesterday for the first time he sat with her and cuddled up to her for about 15 minutes, I'm sure once again it was because he'd had that "forced" contact with her last week it's helped him relax more with her.