Adoption initial placement

[Wilson735339]

My 5 year old is on her 4th day with us and I am struggling with panic attacks and anxiety sometime I have to leave the room she is in because I get so scared she needs me so much! She is everything I expected but I've not reacted the way I thought I would. I'm really struggling to bond. Someone tell me these feelings will go away?

[AngelSings]

Having a child is a huge responsibility because you are the most important person in that person's life. And it's not something you can really prepare for emotionally and can feel crushing when LO has finally arrived.

We have a birth child but also subsequently went through the adoption process. And the difference was like night and day. I also really struggled to bond with our AC at the beginning. She was lovely and friendly and made it very easy to be liked but I didn't feel a thing for her. All I could think was that there was a stranger in my house and I'm responsible for her, forever. The resulting stress and guilt were indescribable but I kept reminding myself that IT IS NORMAL. It really is.

Give yourself time to let LO (and yourself) get settled again. Your life has completely changed too and needs to be 'put into order' again for it to feel safe and comfortable. It will happen, I promise you. Do take time out if possible, be easy on yourself and remember that you're perfectly NORMAL.

[CheeseAtFourpence]

Absolutely normal to feel like this. Our LO was much younger but I felt overwhelming panic and anxiety about what we had done. I also left the room and wanted to run out of the house. It lasted a few weeks at that level then slowly but surely faded.

Reach out for support where you can - don't be afraid to. It will pass

[tldr]

Yes, here too. And I've seen many panicked parents-of-newborns, but the difference for them is they're not being judged by a needy, traumatised 5 year old.

It will get better. Just focus on getting through the days, it will all get easier. We're here for support when you need us.

Have you RL support and/or DP?

[Wilson735339]

Thanks so much guys, I've never used a support group before but I feel I can't tell anyone how I feel as this is what I've always wanted, so I should be ecstatic .,I just need to know it will fade otherwise I feel I need to stop it all now. The panic gets so bad at times I feel I might faint! I dread DH going to work. I know they tell you all this in the process but I always thought bonding wouldn't be difficult for me, just for the child. xx

[Wilson735339]

What is RL? Or DP.... We aren't allowed to let us meet friends or family for another few weeks. I think if my Mum could be here that would help!

[RandomMess]

Assuming this your first child I'm not surprised you are feeling that, it's an overwhelming responsibility!!!

My DC are all older now and I'd feel like that about looking after a friend's 5 year old for a few days let alone knowing they were now my child and they were my responsibility after a difficult start to life.

Even with birth children it can take many, many months to bond - the love and parenting skills grow slow x

[RandomMess]

Has your DH not got any adoption leave to take?

[Wilson735339]

We had a 3 week intro period and due to the distance he had to take his leave then.

[Kewcumber]

RL = real life

DH/DP dear husband dear partner

Bond shmond - if you were locked in a room with a clingy stranger for 4 days do you think your immediate reaction would be to bond with them?!

Children have less personal space on the whole so if your not used to that degree of closeness with a human being I can imagine it would be draining.

The trick is to get through each hour/each day etc

Go to the toilet regularly and although you are advised to keep away from everyone else in order to bond, trips out are essential in order to keep your sanity. Trips to park, trips to shopping centres whatever kind of things she likes and can cope with.

If it gets really bad then get your mum to come - how close is she - can she come for a shortish period every day.

I used to find the witching hour between tea and bed hard but I am single. Go and have a bath when your DH gets in after a quick chat.

Be kind to yourself and plan obsessively.

[Kewcumber]

"Go to the toilet regularly" - just to be clear thats to get a 5 min break!

[tldr]

I'm kind of laughing at kew reminding wilson to go to the toilet, but I swear some days in the early days I didn't get a chance. (And on the other days I'd be in there eating chocolate biscuits and MNing for help.)

Sanity savers for me were getting DH to do morning/evening routines to keep my day alone with DC as short as possible, going out everyday (I turned a wander round the supermarket into an artform), parks and soft plays for their physical exhaustion (and so for maybe ten minutes they weren't actually physically on me) and CBeebies.

I don't think it's possible to be actively promoting bonding 24/7 (or at least I certainly couldn't have) so for right now settle for muddling through. If you can find a couple of opportunities a day to devote absolutely to some kind of bonding activity (playing a board game opposite each other so there's eye contact is a gentle one) that will help you.

It's okay to not be feeling it, it really is. And really, really, really, that'll probably change. Hang in there.

[fasparent]

Have seen many children placed, your mum could prove too be an integral part of the process, Most mums I know, Mums mum sees child within a few day's, can meet in the park, play areas, visit too mum's and short visits too your home., as KEW suggests, Has done none of our placed children any harm.
Take it easy , wish you well and best of luck.

[Wilson735339]

You guys are brilliant I should have joined this site earlier! I asked mum to come round today (against social workers advice) but I had 30mins rest and mum had a 30 min workout on the trampoline!
I think the summary of the day is my husband is bathing her and I'm having a large vodka mixed with a fruit shoot because it's all I have in.
Thanks for making me feel normal xxx
Ps. Kew the toilet trip is a good idea!!!

[tldr]

We are kind of brilliant. Come and ask us for help whenever you need it. I wouldn't have got through the early days without the lot

I think the thing with visitors is that you need to be very careful that dd doesn't get confused, but as long as you give your mum ground rules (like making sure you do all the caring/cuddling/rule setting etc) and you can trust her to stick to them, occasional short visits should be okay.

[Kewcumber]

I don't recommend Pimms with tonic water btw it takes absolutely vile. Pimms with apple juice is however rather nice.

Single parents are the masters of "it's all I have in"!

[slkk]

No wonder you're exhausted. 3 weeks intros must have been draining. And I'm sure your lo is clinging to you at the moment, following you around etc as she so needs to know you won't leave her. Please just hang in there, she won't always be this needy and you will adapt and get used to that feeling of being always on call. I guess we all know it is going to be hard, they tell us this all the time pre placement, but none of us knows exactly how it will be hard and what we will find difficult to cope with. If it helps, the two months after placement were the darkest days for me in ways I wasn't expecting, but we did get through it and now really feel like a family. Do post if it gets too much or you want to share, talk to your social worker if she is supportive, and do keep talking and working with dh, giving each other a break and being especially kind to each other and yourselves.

[Wilson735339]

Hi Slkk, can I ask the question I hate to even mention. Did you ever consider giving up and asked foster carers to take over again? I can't work out if this match isn't right because I am not feeling it or it's just the stress and anxiety of it all? I can't see through the mist to how I will ever stop my heart constantly beating so fast!!

[IamnotaspoonIamafork]

I think it's normal to feel that LO was happier with FC's, and that puts massive pressure on you to somehow make this feel natural and happy as soon as possible. But that's just not possible, and the panicky, overwhelmed, sometimes sad or angry stage is something both you and LO need to go through very gently. It is exceptionally tough, and I did have my mum pop round for half an hour every morning. Enlist help, now. It has to be you supporting and caring for LO, but it doesn't have to be you doing everything else - get friends or family to sort meals/shopping, close your eyes to mess (unless cleaning helps - in which case get child brooms etc and do it together). Do not try to plan more than half an hour at a time. It gets less strange and scary, but it's hard work waiting to feel that ,

When cabin fever kicks in, go for a walk together or a drive with music. Sometimes the sense of moving along helps ease the racing heart!

[fasparent]

Relax take time , think of Your own childhood things you liked too do , go mad re live, do things, girly day's, dress up, bake a cake, mad hair day,
will give you time also too see what engages her the best.
She will be in the same situation as your self, feeling the same in many ways will all take lot's of love understanding and time

[slkk]

Yes, Wilson, we did. Our lo had such challenging behaviour and such (unexpected) needs that I even felt like this during introductions. In fact, dh and I spoke very little for about 6 months as neither of us could dare say how we really felt. My sister gave me a lovely book to use as a diary for those precious early days, but I couldn't even start to put what was really happening into words as that would make it real. But I did the fake it til you make it. My parents helped by just being there. I used the local children's centre a lot (burst into tears there once). And finally stuck cbeebies on and spent an hour or so really talking to dh. We had help from a clinical psychologist for ds and luckily got a quick referral to speech and language so we had a few adults around to support us. And now 14 months on we have a delightful (though still troublesome) darling son (adoption order last week yay!) who is perfect for us and we are perfect for him.
Do try and identify what is hard now and what you think you could do to resolve it. Does dd need help with her behaviour? Do you need help or time alone with dh? Is it just not feeling a bond? (You can't rush this - ds was a screaming , spitting stranger's child for quite a while). You will probably also feel better when you have some routine - local playground and play groups until she starts school (after half term?) We didn't stay under house arrest really at all. Both of us needed to get out every day. Really good luck. and do be kind to yourself.

[tldr]

We never thought about giving DC back but we resigned ourselves (maybe two weeks in) to the very obvious fact that we'd made a hideous error, had ruined all our lives and we'd just have to live with it and do the best we could.

And then somewhere down the line it got easier. And then it got fun. And at some point I realised I was absolutely in love.

But it took time.

Is your husband home this weekend? Will you be able to get an hour or two to yourself? (Even if it's also whilst you do the shopping...)

[Kewcumber]

I can remember thinking very piously that if I never loved DS that I would none the less make his life the very best I could. Returning him to foster care wasn't an option as he was an adoption from overseas.

I felt like the babysitter for the longest time. Considering he was an extraordinarily cute 1 year old and everyone told me how lucky I was, I felt dreadful about struggling in the early days.

I can't imagine how much harder it must be with a five year old.

Take things slowly, ask for help, be kind to yourself, be kind to her and don't expect anything of either of you.

And go to the toilet regularly

Oh and by the way DS is the most wonderful child and I am indeed very lucky - of course he always was - I just didn't realise he was my wonderful child at the time.

[combined02]

You could try planning the week ahead, with lots of activities planned for particular times (lots of ideas on mumsnet and the internet) and keep to it. It will get you through and make you feel wonderful at the end as it will have been so fun and you will feel you have been so good! And got to grips with her personality, likes and dislikes, capabilities. There is a lot of great stuff to do with 5 year olds. Teaching things or helping with educational stuff can be great, as there is so much one-on-one attention involved.

Re emotions, when you focus on how she might be seeing things it will take your attention away from yourself, meaning that, hopefully, your own stress and panic will diminish. However, if you are feeling really panicked your doctor would be able to give you a low dose beta blocker for a month or so which would help to keep you calm and slow down your heart rate and get back into the habit of being calm, and maybe try this before wanting to throw the towel in as it would be a great shame for the little girl if it could have worked out. Better than alcohol, to be honest, which I am sure you know (and I say that as someone who used to love her cocktails!)

[tldr]

I really disagree about planning lots of things, especially anything educational - that puts a lot of pressure on mum to pitch it at right level and daughter to do it when she's already having to cope with so much (Sorry combined)

Frankly one week in, if everyone is fed, clothed and mostly clean you're doing well. I'd keep all activities really low key (shops, park, drawing or jigsaws or whatever quiet things she likes).

[Kewcumber]

Frankly one week in, if everyone is fed, clothed and mostly clean you're doing well - Ha! that we were both still alive at the end of one week was a miracle to me.

I found it so hard to get every sorted to get out of the door that frankly park, shops, playground was about the most I could do.

To be really blunt I didn't find anything "so much fun" in the first few months. I mostly thought - "Dear Lord you've waited years for this and you're a dismal failure".

I do appreciate others might be different.