Regression

[Kazza299]

Adopted DS age 7 and now 5 in January. We did the usual stuff ie: carrying them, feeding them, dressing them, washing them, brushing teeth, wiping bottoms etc

8 months on and DS2 aged 5 is pretty much doing things himself now, we help him get dressed for school - it's quicker and we carry him to bed- he's sleepy and we brush his teeth sometimes.

But DS1 is still wanting us to do everything. He sees it as very personal when we don't - as rejection I think. A few things like carrying, I've had to say "I'm sorry sweetie you are just too heavy" but he wants feeding, dressing, teeth brushing, bottom wiping (I hang back on this a lot as I really think he needs to be able to do this for school etc - the rest I know he can do but doesn't want to)

I AM SHATTERED!! Doing everything is wearing me out. My adoption leave has just finished and going back to work I need him to be more independent.

He has a lot of jealousy issues with brother and a generally negative outlook. He is very manipulative and controlling, which I think comes I to play with all of this. I don't want to reject him but how do I stop?

[IamnotaspoonIamafork]

There is a really good book from Adoption UK which has tonnes of Theraplay games you can play with your kids - I mention it because lots of them provide simple opportunities for touch, nurture and eye contact, in gentle ways that are led by you. So they are another alternative way for your children to experience that tender caring attention from you, rather than through all the personal care. I wonder whether, because the "games" are a way of getting very positive attention, you could try using them as an reassuring reminder that he still has your time and care, so "When you've brushed your teeth, we're going to have some family play time" (obviously NOT using them as a bribe, and not with-holding them as a punishment!).

[Kazza299]

Hmmm yeah, we do theraplay games a lot - we try to every day but I could definitely phrase it to be after he has done whatever it is.
Do you think it's right to be weaning him off or do we just need to do it if he's asking?

[IamnotaspoonIamafork]

I think if he's asking, he needs reassurance of some kind - but if it feels right to you, you could try substituting it with other kinds of hands-on contact. If it helps you to feel less overwhelmed by demands, it could be worth a try?

With toothbrushing, I say I will always check them at the end and sit with them, but LO needs to "start". It's a subtle way of ensuring I keep the "control" but without directly challenging LO. "Let's do it together" is heard about eleventy million times a day in this house

I would add that encouraging my LO to do things independently can trigger panic/emotional distress particularly at the end of the day - so I often "help" and gently do things myself then, because it just isn't worth the upset before bedtime.

[Kewcumber]

I'm afraid he won't be pushed into being more independent because you need him to be! I think you probably know that.

Whether he is needing these things becuase he needs to be in control or because he needs the babying is really impossible to tell but you do know that very few NT 7 year olds will want this degree of babying so you know there is an issue whatever it is.

I like the idea of getting him to start things eg teeth brushing whilst you say run the bath then you finish off. I advise against too many changes at the same time so pick the easiest thing and start with that then very slowly introduce the idea of "starting off" with other areas.

I'm sure you've considered it but can you delay returning from AL or go part time?