Adoption of a teen

[adoptionhelp]

Name change for reasons that are obvious! I would really appreciate any help or advice on this. I will try to keep this a very short version of a very long story.

I have a DS of 16. When I was 4 months pregnant with him, my fiancee left me without a word. Subsequently, his solicitors sent me a contract offering me a small sum of money to keep both me and DS away from him. I took the money as I was desperate at the time.

I ended up getting back with an ex BF, who was there when DS was born. We married shortly after and now also have a DD of 14.

Recently, my DS has asked questions (although he has always known the vague details) and this has resulted in limited contact with his biological father via my email account (Bio father ended up getting in touch 13 years later saying it was all a 'misunderstanding'). He has realised all on his own that this man is not someone he really wants in his life. DH and I have always taken great pains to remain impartial, but DS is adamant that DH is his real father, and no further contact is necessary with his biological father. Bio father thinks he has a right to be involved in DS's life, even though he refused to be involved and would not allow his name to be put on the birth certificate.

He has asked for DH to adopt him - he is very much DH's son in all ways except legally. We're both happy for this to go ahead, and I realise that I will also have to adopt him (which feels a bit weird). We have one complicating factor, which is that DH currently is employed in the US and so technically is not resident in this country (he pays no tax, is not on the electoral roll etc.). I realise this is likely to complicate things.

My question really is how likely is a judge going to be in terms of taking into account the wishes of someone who is close to adulthood and knows their own mind? Will this be taken into account more than the box-ticking exercise most adopters seem to have to go through?

Also, should I speak to a family lawyer or Social Services before proceeding? I don't want to get SS involved unless I know they will take our case seriously.

Hopefully I have given all the info necessary for someone to be able to help me with some advice. If not, please ask - I have tried to keep the post as short as possible!

I would really appreciate any help with this one. :)

[fasparent]

Suggest you proceed soonest considering age of the child, with have too register intent of adoption 3 month prior too proceeding with your LA, this will in its self reduce you and your child's time. There may be pit falls but child will have the reassurance you both worked together too secure a better out come and their wishes if you run out of time.

[Italiangreyhound]

Adoptionhelp Re My question really is how likely is a judge going to be in terms of taking into account the wishes of someone who is close to adulthood and knows their own mind? Will this be taken into account more than the box-ticking exercise most adopters seem to have to go through? No idea you can only ask. To me it is logical they would take into account the wishes of a near adult.

Re Also, should I speak to a family lawyer or Social Services before proceeding? I don't want to get SS involved unless I know they will take our case seriously.

I have no idea but in your shoes...

I would speak to a private family solicitor and get all your ducks in a row. I would only consult social services if this were necessary.

Personally, I would look out any evidence you have that proves your comments "Subsequently, his solicitors sent me a contract offering me a small sum of money to keep both me and DS away from him. I took the money as I was desperate at the time." You may not have any evidence, which is fine, but if you have it I would just keep it safe to be able to use if necessary.

RE "Recently, my DS has asked questions (although he has always known the vague details) and this has resulted in limited contact with his biological father via my email account (Bio father ended up getting in touch 13 years later saying it was all a 'misunderstanding'). He has realised all on his own that this man is not someone he really wants in his life."

I think it is good your son knows his own mind, and knows what is best for him. This may change and one day he may wish some contact, perhaps when he himself becomes a father, who knows. If he does I hope you will also support him. You and your dh are right not to try and influence the decision unless his bio father is dangerous to be around, which it does not sound like he is!

So you are totally right when you say "DH and I have always taken great pains to remain impartial, but DS is adamant that DH is his real father, and no further contact is necessary with his biological father."

Re Bio father thinks he has a right to be involved in DS's life, even though he refused to be involved and would not allow his name to be put on the birth certificate. Well he doesn't as far as I know contact is for the benefit of the child not the adult. Although I must admit I have some sympathy for anyone in this situation. I know he was a shit! He dropped you when you needed him and who knows how it could all have turned out! Luckily, it turned out well for your son and you and you have a lovely family. Your son's bio dad has missed out! I feel a tiny but sorry for him, but only a bit!

Re "I realise that I will also have to adopt him (which feels a bit weird)." I have no idea why you think you will have to adopt your own son, i would be immensity surprised if this were the case, but then I am constantly surprised by the quirks of life!

Adoptionhelp I hope it all goes well and you experience no problems.

Best of luck.

[adoptionhelp]

Thank you fasparent and italiangreyhound for your helpful responses. Yes, I still have all the legal paperwork from way back that shows how it unfolded, so no problems there. Yes, he was a shit (still is from what I gather) and I do feel sorry for him in some ways, but you reap what you sow. I was very young at the time and I found it all very difficult to deal with, but I was lucky to have a good support network.

I will start the ball rolling on Tuesday and see how things go.

Thank you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Well done on keeping that stuff. Useful to be able to show it was not a misunderstanding!