Finding a Relative Given Up for Adoption - where do I begin?

[SoulSista85]

Hi all,

I am looking to begin the process of finding my little brother.

My Mum gave him up for adoption pretty much at birth with the exception of the first six weeks of his life whereby he was temporarily placed in the foster system.

I know what his name was at birth although his middle name is likely to have been changed by his adoptive parents. I know his date of birth. He would be 27 now.

I know where his adoption is likely to have been registered and the first names of his adoptive parents, but other than that I don't really have much information.

Where do I begin?

Any constructive comments and experience sharing massively welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks in advance, all.

[StaceyAndTracey]

You can give your details to the adoption contact register for the country in which you live, if you are in England, Scotland or Wales .

This means that if you biological brother wants to find you, he can be given your details .

You can also contact the adoption agency and ask for a letter to be left on his file.

Apart from that , it's really up to him , if he wants to trace his biological family . The initiative has to be with him, I'm afraid .

Do you want to say more about your own situation, and why you have decided now that you would to get in touch with him ?

[Tangerineandturquoise]

My advice is go through the proper channels rather than using the information you have to track him down.
You see him as your little brother, but his feelings about you may be very different. He may well see you as a stranger. I know about half a dozen adult adoptees, two yearned for the happy reunion and didn't get it, one has no interest in finding his birth family, and the others haven't ruled out tracing them but haven't done anything about it.
As he gets older, and maybe thinks about starting his own family he may want to trace your mum.

[slippersmum]

I think it's great you want to trace him. As Stacey mention I would start with the register, you never know he may already be on it. My bm and I registered within a week of each other! You have quite a lot of info already but it is harder to trace the other way round. I did electoral role, marriage reg etc but now the Internet is a fantastic tool. There a few people on here who traced using on line methods and hopefully some if them will post. You can then used an intermediary service to make contact if you so choose. Keep us posted on your search and lots of luck!! Just a thought when you said little brother how old is he?

[SoulSista85]

Thank you guys, this is really encouraging. It's always been in the back of my mind to try to find him.

In recent years, I have been on something I would say was a bit of a crusade to bring my family together as there have been a multitude of "missing" members for a plethora of reasons.

Including myself there are seven siblings: a mix of brothers and sisters and six of us are now in touch or at the very least know about each other.

It would be a real plus to have our missing link know about us if that were ever possible, and then, absolutely let him digest this and decide what, if anything he would like to do with that knowledge and in his own time

[SoulSista85]

Slippersmum, he would be 27 now x

[StaceyAndTracey]

Sista - id urge you to think very carefully before you try to make contact directly with him . You could potentially cause huge upset and distress in this man's life

At the moment you are thinking about YOU and YOUR family. I know he is a biological relative, but legally and in reality he's not part of your family at all. He has his own parents, probably brothers and sister , maybe even a partner and children of his own . He has a life and family which is unknown to you and he may not welcome your contacting him. He might be extremely offended to know that you consider him not a person in his own right, with his own family history , but a missing link in yours.

The point of the adoption register is that it leaves the choices with the adoptee , which is as it should be . If you track him down directly , you take that choice away from him . You mention " his own time " but in fact, it's all about your time and your need for him to know about you .

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and I'm sure you mean well . But you are potentially opening up a huge can in worms in someone else life with seemingly little thought for his welfare .

[SoulSista85]

Stacey, your input is massively appreciated and points noted especially the meaning well part: you are definitely right there.

Slippers - will definitely keep you updated and thank you for the support.

[Lamination]

My understanding is that you can approach an intermediary agency and that they can approach your bio brother on your behalf.
They will follow his wishes, this could mean no contact and they will not pass on his details but if he wants contact then it is arranged.
I was traced by a birth sibling and didn't feel it meant that she failed to recognise the bonds within my family - actually she is fab and her tracing without pressure was helpful. There are many adoptees who are open to tracing but who daren't for fear if offending parents/ being rejected again.
Good luck with it all. It should be the adoptee's choice if there is to be contact but it isn't (shouldn't be) news that we are adopted and it can take the pressure off to be approached.

[slippersmum]

My family sounds a bit like yours a bit split here and there. I felt very differently about tracing bp to birth sibs. I have found everyone apart from one sister. It would be like winning the lottery for me if I got a letter one day saying she was looking for me. I can't even get enough information for an adoption register. Sometimes the tensions that we have with birth parents are much less with siblings. (Sometimes not of course). My younger brother was fantastic when we met. He just took everything in his stride and told me how very proud he was that I was his sister and was so happy we had found each other. He died two years ago but I am so glad that we had the time that we did. We never regained our missed childhoods but had wonderful times as young adults. Maybe we should start a MN adoption register with the amount of people who are looking on here