Facebook?

[ann0102]

I use Facebook regularly to keep in touch with friends n family far afield. How much can I use it after adoption? Really not sure what is safe, would it be better to set up a new account under a false name?

[LadyLuck81]

I wouldn't use it to post pictures of my adopted child. Could you set up an email or whatsapp group to share stuff?

[Velvet1973]

I have a "secret" group set up that only my husband or I can add anyone to and then I can put photos there for friends and family that aren't nearby so they can see them. We do also have a bit at the top of that page just reminding people why it's done like this so please don't do anything with the photos. We are very strict in who is there anyway as don't want too many people so it's really only about 7 or 8 people.

[TeamAcorn]

I've PM'd you :)

[StaceyAndTracey]

I also have a secret group on FB

Not a private one ( for avoidance of doubt )

[summerandautumn]

Genuine question, do you not find it sad?

I love putting photos of my DC up.

[tvlover1234]

Why can't you put photos of an adopted child on fb? Genuine questions

[summerandautumn]

Security - in case birth family see them.

I understand but it just seems so sad.

[tvlover1234]

Can you not set your account to private so only your friends can see the photos? And don't accept strangers. Obviously. Lol.

[StaceyAndTracey]

Summer and TV - Of course it's sad. But I'm afraid that as an adoptive parent , you have to deal with a lot of sadness and grief in your life .

Facebook is the least of it

[EugenesAxe]

I have friends with adopted children and their pictures can't be anywhere on the Internet.

It might depend on the circumstances in which they were adopted; imposed or voluntary etc.

[tvlover1234]

I admire people who adopt. I don't think I'd be strong enough to do it x

[summerandautumn]

I daresay stacey although I'm not sure Facebook would be the 'least' of it, to me (I'm sure others will disagree!) it would stop me feeling like a 'normal' parent.

Can you just not share photos that aren't public?

[StaceyAndTracey]

When you have a child who is

brain injured through a non accidental head injury

or through pre natal use of alcohol or drugs,

or a child who has been traumatised forever through neglect and / or abuse

Or will struggle to make relathioships for the rest of his life

Or who will never go to mainstream school

Or who has serious mental health problems

Or when the whole family has had to move house because of credible death threats

.....then not being able to post photos on Facebook doesn't seem such a big thing . Or at least not to me. As you say, we are all different and adoption is not for everyone

[tvlover1234]

Sounds like you've really had it hard as of late. I hope things improve for you

[summerandautumn]

That's all very sad.

[Kewcumber]

I can reassure you summer that most of the world (and for most of history) manged to be a "normal" parent just fine without facebook.

Every adopter chooses what they're happy with re facebook. Some will use facebook without any issues, some will share on Facebook privately some will avoid the use of real names and not post photos.

Do you feel you need facebook to validate your parenting? I get that it's nice to have if you like social media but to go as far as to to say that parenting without facebook doesn't seem "normal" seems verging on the bizarre. Unless you are very young and perhaps can;t imagine a world without facebook?

[CloserThanYesterday]

We had the same dilemma Ann, we have lots of family not living nearby who we wanted to keep in touch with. In the end we used Lifecake - totally private, separate from Facebook and you can invite you like. It was especially good during intros as you can write a little story and post it each day, which we did to avoid lots of separate calls and texts.

As far as not being able to use FB seeming 'sad' goes ... I prefer to look on the bright side that it has stopped me becoming one of those parents who post loads of photos of their kids under the misapprehension that anyone but very close friends/family actually wants to see them having tea/in the paddling pool/at the farm. That has always seemed quite sad to me, so I find I'm glad I can't be tempted!

[summerandautumn]

Kew, I went through a lot to get my DC as I know you all did.

My friends put up gorgeous photos of their children all the time and yes, I dreamed about the day I would too. Had that been denied to me I would have been sad, yes - I am not young (sadly!) and I don't even tend to share too much but yes, it's part of a huge package of having and enjoying my children that I would be upset about if it was denied to me.

Of course if not everyone feels the same it isn't s problem. Congratulations on your children.

[Kewcumber]

Based on that more recent post I now understand what you meant a bit better summer - but saying in effect that compromises you have to make as an adoptive parent mean you're not a normal parent does raise the hackles a bit. Compared to some of the issues as Stacey has pointed out, facebook is a small overall thing in reality.

It isn't denied to us as such - we all choose to do what we think is best for our children. There's nothing to stop any of us putting all the photos we like on FB. I have posted loads of photos of DS over the years as I have no security concerns. I post less now because he's at an age where he has an opinion about what he wants to share himself.

[summerandautumn]

That absolutely wasn't the intention Kew and I am mortified, horrified, that it could be read as such!

It is because you are a 'normal parent' that you should be able to do 'normal things'

[Kewcumber]

Nice apology summer - I am sensitive to the implication that we aren't normal parents as adoption is "othered" so much (IYSWIM), people veer between denying that there are any additional issues at all...

"oh but ALL children do that"

to implying that we're somehow babysitting...

"what happened to his real parents"

Personally I like to think of it as Parenting Plus, and yes I am his real mother - he also has birth parents who are equally real!

[Kewcumber]

Bugger off Jamming you've forgotten the "I agree with Kew" rule