Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

A thank you from a long term lurker

(11 Posts)
Withgraceinmyheart Sat 25-Jul-15 20:37:43

Hi everyone smile

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.

Whilst I was pregnant with my now 7 month old dd, I made the decision to end contact with my seriously abusive family. It was/is very tough, and although I have lots of rl support, its not a situation many ppl can relate to.

Since I happened upon this forum whilst googling, Ive found so much helpful stuff to enable me to process why this had to happen. In particular it's helped me to understand that their pain at losing me/us is real, and that they love me and my little girl, even though they weren't able to look after me and aren't safe to be around her. But also that their pain can't override my daughters need to be safe, and to have a mother who isn't scared all the time.

So I wanted to say thank you, and let you know the impact you've had on my little family.

I really hope you won't mind me continuing to lurk and learn, and apply your knowledge to my (different but emotionally similar) situation.

midnightvelvetPart2 Sat 25-Jul-15 21:13:39

Hi op, did you mean to post this in Adoption? If you didn't then report your post and ask mnhq to move it.

I'm glad that you are both happy, it's nice to hear that posters opinions help sometimes and yes, your input will he invaluable if there's another woman going through similar circumstances smile smile

Maryz Sat 25-Jul-15 21:22:12

I'm presuming that grace did mean to put this in adoption.

There is a lot of discussion on this board about the difficult relationship between birth parents and their children, and there is real recognition of how much birth parents love their children, even in circumstances where they are unable to look after them.

Some people, sadly, aren't very good at being parents. Sometimes their children are taken from them as children, sometimes those children stay with them and make the difficult decision to break away as adults. Either way there is going to be a lot of hurt.

Apologies if I've got you wrong, grace smile - if you did mean to post it here of course you are welcome to lurk and learn (or join in), it's a generally supportive and usually pleasant place to be.

midnightvelvetPart2 Sat 25-Jul-15 21:36:53

Ah I see, thanks Maryz I don't come onto this board but saw the op was unanswered in Active and when I read it, I wondered whether it was in the wrong place smile

Apologies OP, hope I didn't upset you brew

Italiangreyhound Sat 25-Jul-15 22:02:38

Withgraceinmyheart thank you for your kind words. I hope you will continue to feel good about your decision to prioritise yourself and your new baby - you are so special and should always look out for yourself and your child.

My son's birth mum seems nice, I have heard from her, but she was not able to keep ds safe. And safety is so crucial. It is important to be safe, above all else. Health and happiness, happiness and health, they are great, but being safe, and feeling safe are priority.

Bless you.

Velvet1973 Sat 25-Jul-15 22:03:32

I'm really pleased it has helped you find your way of dealing with everything. I think there is a lot more understanding and empathy of birth parents on here than most people would believe, we have to learn to make peace with them too for our children's benefit.
Good luck and keep lurking or joining in if you would like to, as Maryz said it is generally a supportive and pleasant place to be.

Maryz Sat 25-Jul-15 22:16:45

It was a very reasonable assumption midnight, and very nicely put smile

I do think that many of us who have adopted are very sympathetic to our children's birth parents. We may be angry on their behalf that they have had to be adopted, and angry at their parents actions but we also realise that in almost every case the birth parents have also had a pretty shitty deal in life, and ultimately are the losers of the adoption triangle sad

Many birth families are (as the op's is) sad examples of how "love isn't enough" - children need so much more than just love.

Withgraceinmyheart Sat 25-Jul-15 23:03:15

Yes I did mean to post here! No worries midnight I can see how it would look out of place! Thanks for your kind response.

And thanks for all the other supportive replies. I find the way birth parents are talked about here very helpful.

Maryz Sat 25-Jul-15 23:11:58

I'm glad it's helpful, grace.

All the best to you and your dd smile

Kewcumber Sat 25-Jul-15 23:26:47

grace - it must have been a difficult year for you - coping with a pregnancy and a young baby with the added stress of going no contact with some of the people closest to you historically at least. I can;t imagine how I would have handled that.

Sometimes when I have read posts from very bitter birth parents who are convinced their child has been stolen unfairly from them, I find it very hard to reply constructively. I believe that the majority of children are removed for good reasons but can't deny that there must be cases which are either borderline or based on something which turns out to be wrong.

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that as a bystander it doesn't matter to me, that losing your child must be the most incredibly painful experience and all I can do is empathise with their pain. People can love you and still be totally incapable of meeting your needs - the relationship boards are full of them.

I'm glad you are well supported in real life and wish you and your dd well.

Withgraceinmyheart Sun 26-Jul-15 10:03:18

Thanks kew, it has been...eventful! All good now thoughsmile.

I've read some of those threads from birth parents, and I've seen you and others patiently try to be honest and supportive. Reminded me alot of the last few months of my relationship with my mum.

The last email I ever sent to her, Id come to a point of realising that there was literally nothing I could say to make her see what was really happening and was thinking 'what's the point in me even sending this?' but I sent it, just on the off chance that one day she might show it to someone reasonable and rational (maybe even a counsellor) who could help her understand it. For that person I wanted to show that id done absolutely everything I could, to give them the best chance of helping her.

I guess you probably do the same to a certain extent and write your responses not just for the op, but for the lurkers and random googlers as well, so that they can see how difficult it is for some birth parents to acknowledge what's going on. (Btw to any bp reading this, I know not even situation is like this, hope you don't think im tarring you all with the same brush).

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