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Family finding....how do I survive this?

(20 Posts)
MintyLizzy9 Sat 25-Jul-15 08:59:11

Hi, I have been family finding since I was approved in March and it's not going well. I reached a new personal best yesterday and was turned down for 4 different children, have also reached a new low.

I know all the stats and that there are way more adopters than babies but it doesn't make the wait any easier. One of my knock backs from adoption link yesterday said they they had received over 100 adopter profiles within 48 hours...WTAF?

My SW is off on holiday again but has asked me to think while she is away if I want to continue knowing about kids she has put me forward for or just wait to be told I have been linked. She has made it to one linking meeting for me but the panel decided on the other adoptor an that was just heart breaking.

I don't know what to do about the updates, will silence be worse than the sorrys you won't be taken forwards?

Head is well and truly mush today sad

sarahlux Sat 25-Jul-15 09:03:11

We were approved in January and had a potential match fall through right at the last minute. After that our SW only decided to tell us about children we had been short listed for and I have found that a lot better.

We received a profile two weeks ago and now have a date for matching panel so it has worked for us.

Keep hanging in there. It is really tough at the moment for adopters.

iwishkidslikedtomatoes Sat 25-Jul-15 09:44:52

IF IT WERE ME and I had an age range of say only up to 2 I'd probably wait, if it were a greater age range or looking for sibling groups I'd persist because maybe you've been unlucky so far. I think adoption link is really good but there seems to be so many adopters on there now (we were on there when it had just gone live) that I don't know how SWs even manage it.

It does depend on whether you know you have a proactive SW too.

We did a lot of our own searching etc. We had links we followed up on but in the end our match came from our SW and it is the most perfect match, they just knew and they were right.

Matching was the worst part of the adoption process for us and ours was only a matter of a few months. It will happen, it's just really hard sad thanks

And I definitely say 'if it were me' on this one because it really will come down to whether you will be happy (ish) to sit back.

oasiswaterpool Sat 25-Jul-15 09:53:59

It is really really tough we first passed panel in August 2013 had a intro breakdown in May 2014 and passed panel again in Feb 2015 and nothing since. If you look on The Independent online there was an article earlier this week saying all the anti adoption media info lately is not correct. Our Social Worker says it cannot go on as it is and will turn around we just have to be positive, though I know that is really difficult. x

Koalaquakers Sat 25-Jul-15 11:12:20

We have been approved 16 months, and it's a painful wait.
We were put on hold for the one with over 100 enquiries, tbh I would rather have had a decline as hold is a thing I just don't understand.

JaneDonne Sat 25-Jul-15 11:14:54

Oh poor you.

Matching is torture. Until it happens and then it all fades away. Plenty of people here are in the same boat and I guess we've almost all been there. So no words of wisdom but do feel free to come and vent smile

PheasantPlucker Sat 25-Jul-15 11:17:16

No words of wisdom, but just wanted to say good luck and stay strong - it is worth it

Kewcumber Sat 25-Jul-15 14:33:13

Everyone is right this phase is the absolute worst and as Jane says, once it happens everything that went before suddenly seems irrelevant. Good luck

MintyLizzy9 Sat 25-Jul-15 17:11:41

Thanks guys, I'm just so down at the minute it takes everything I have just to not burst into tears any minute. just seem to get through the last few days waiting to come home and have a good old cry. I know it will pass and it's the disappointment of last week coming out.

Also...slightly concerned I'm turning into a baby loon.....I see them everywhere, bloody everywhere envy

Slimming world can GF this weekend, this calls for wine smile

tea4two4three Sat 25-Jul-15 17:24:55

I survived it by coming off adoption link, turning down invites to adoption parties and letting my social worker/family finder get on with it. I even cut back contact with her to absolute minimum and got on with my life. It wasn't worth my sanity as my mental health was deteriorating fast. I can't tell you the number of time is sat in the stairwell/toilets at work breaki me heart after a rejection. Once I went cold turkey for a couple of weeks I found I was much better. We booked a holiday (we'd been putting it off in case a link happened) landscaped the garden, got drunk etc etc etc and made a conscious effort to carry on as normal. Then one day we got a phone call :-) I can literally feel your pain, it still makes my chest ache now thinking about how crap that time was. Have faith. It all happens for a reason and when your family are one with you, you will be grateful they came when they did it they wouldn't be yours xxxx

JaneDonne Sat 25-Jul-15 19:57:14

I used to feel sick every time someone told me they were pregnant. And it used to happen all the time - once my bd was 2 yo I would literally have at least one friend a week announce their pregnancy. And I'd watch people in the park to see how many children they had and if it was two or more I'd feel sick. I live in bloody nappy valley here so it was ALWAYS more than one.

And I don't do that anymore. And it doesn't hurt now. And one day you will be me, telling someone on t'internet how bloody awful it was but NOW IT'S ALL OK. You're nearly there already.

Promise ;)

JaneDonne Sat 25-Jul-15 19:59:07

They weren't all friends. I don't have that many friends. Women at playgroup, randomers from other people's nct groups, stranger in shop. They all felt the hot green glow of my envy...

Daisiemoo Sat 25-Jul-15 21:04:42

It's bloody crap the waiting but echo what everyone else has said. Get on with your life for a bit, it will happen. Massive hugs!! flowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 25-Jul-15 22:25:07

MintyLizzy9 hi, sorry it is so tough. I remember it well. Four months is not long.

If I were you in your shoes I would say to social worker not to tell me any matches in the next month, until there is a match where I am linked BUT that would be my advice as you are finding it hard, for me, I may still want to know!

I'd ask if there was any specific feedback from social workers and if so work on that area. are you a single adopter? have you got a good network of support? If so fab, if not work on building that up and update your social worker with that, but only if that were something that was an issue.

I would also get myself on the national database for England and Wales and go to the next exchange day and be proactive myself.

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Thursday 17th September - London

MintyLizzy9 Sun 26-Jul-15 07:05:57

Thanks all. I am going on various training courses to up my knowledge on child mental health hoping that this makes me stand out a little more. I have also managed to talk my way onto my LA's training list so waiting to hear what training they are running (I'm approved with a neighbouring LA).

I'm on the national register and have sent an intro leaflet to about 60 adoption teams throughout the UK (none has generated any interest so far...just takes one right?!)

Im single but have a great support network, I'm hoping that as panel didn't ask me one question about it that they thought so too!

I've also signed up for my penultimate open uni course for work....completely child/adoption unrelated.

Trying to be as pro active as I can be and to get my own sh*t together (uni, paying c card off/savings etc).

I think you are right, I need to step back a bit from knowing everything my SW is doing. Just need to get my head round that and the fear she will forget about me!

Arrgh how nice would it be to have a little switch in your head to turn off the baby loon over thinking part!

First job of today will be to bag up and hide all the bits n bobs I have been buying over the last few months, don't need to see it every day.

Thank you all for being so lovely flowers

poetboywonder Sun 26-Jul-15 08:44:31

It's most likely your age range , have you thought of upping it a little or attending an adoption party to see how you bond with slightly older children. I personally have no desire for a baby and we will be looking for 3 and up which I understand are less 'in demand'. think of it in a positive if you were to get pregnant it would take 9 months. I hope you get matched soon and when you do it will be perfect x

Italiangreyhound Sun 26-Jul-15 12:26:14

Good luck, Minty what is your age range?

We adopted a boy of 3 and he is adorable (now 4)

I have not heard of adoption parties in the UK but I could be wrong and I think this is the closest to an adoption party I know of is BAAF run adoption activity days. Or any country adoption team run activity day. There are where you get to meet the kids and often their social workers/foster carers in a fun child-centered activity place.

www.baaf.org.uk/ourwork/activitydays

Website says....

"Activity day dates
Are you an approved adopter or an adopter in Stage 2 approaching panel?

We have adoption activity days scheduled for the following 2015 dates:

26 September - Lancashire
3 October - South West
10 October - Devon"

As far as I am aware it doesn't really matter where you live as long as you can get to the activity day, but do check. These days will feature harder to place kids, so good to check what that means in reality.

MintyLizzy9 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:30:45

I'm approved for 0-3 years but hoping for under one. To be fair it's not as if the kids aren't there....there are just so many bloomin adopters! I've discussed changing my age range but my SW wants me to wait a while longer and to be honest I REALLY want to experience the baby stage. I might think differently if not matched by the end of the year but just can't think that far ahead at the minute. We've also discussed activity days but she doesn't think they are for me. Just need a time machine if anyone has a spare, just a quick borrow so I can see WHEN smile

sarahlux Sun 26-Jul-15 17:53:46

Don't give up. As I said previously our social worker only told us about potential children when we were short listed.

Our age range was 0-2 but same as you we wanted as young as possible. We did attend an activity day and did express interest with a few older ones however in the end we didn't feel they were right for us.

We are due to go to matching panel in 8 weeks hoping to be matched with a 5 month old girl. So there is younger children out there. Seems it is just a case of waiting.

I found shutting the door on the empty room and forgetting it existed really helped, didn't feel like a constant reminder, so maybe moving the bits you have bought may help you.

It does seem like you are been very pro active which is always good. Keep at it and when the time comes the wait will be worth it xx

MintyLizzy9 Sun 26-Jul-15 18:37:54

Good luck at matching meeting sarahlux always great to hear good news xxx flowers

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