Discussing adoption with others

[bellecurly]

Hi all I have just discovered your boards and wondered if I could get some advice please adopted Son aged 8 lived with us since a toddler. Always quite open that adopted with him . See a birth sibling direct who also adopted. Don't really think that he is interested with it all really in past really more interested in playing. Parents at school who I known since beginning know adopted but we are not mega open with it as no need ie new parents. Got a feeling one mom might have told a few!! But last week a lad he,sits by randomly come up to me to say son told him adopted. We talked about it with his mom etc. Son told me not told any other friends. Do you think I should encourage him to tell close friends or just leave it and go with flow. Also I was thinking perhaps time to get life story book out now over hols. Many thanks

[Kazza299]

We have only had our 7 year old for 6 months but this is coming up with us - may be the age.
To begin with I didn't really tell other parents but then felt like I was telling different people different stories so I started dropping it in rather than telling them "well as we've only had them 6 months we are working on that" ...
He has had a couple of friends over and, as he still calls us by our Christian names, we thought we'd give him a 'get out' in case he didn't want to say.
Anyway, turns out he'd fallen out with a friend and I was texting the mum and she said DS had told her himself!!

I think they know their own minds and if they want to they will. Guess it's good to have a conversation about it but we felt that by giving him a 'get out' we were somehow making it a bad thing. Where as we want him to celebrate it - if he wants to.

[StaceyAndTracey]

We don't tell other people that our kids were adopted, as its the childrens business , not ours.

We say to the children that they can tell people if they want, but to remember that

• other people might ask questions that are hard to answer
  
• Lots of people can't keep a secret
  
• once you have put the information out there , you can't ever get it back
  

Like lots of things in life, it's not secret but it's private .

You might want to prepare your children for the type of questions usually asked and how they might like to answer .

[bellecurly]

Thank you both for your responses. Yes kaz 7/8 is a very inquisitive age as well as challenging but lovely too. I think you are both right I will see how it goes and not be too open but be prepared. The moms that mainly know are ones I met at playschool and ds not in any of their classes. U r right Stacey once its out its out and,cant go back. That age group can be,a,cruel age too. Thanks again.

[Kewcumber]

Similar to what Stacey said really...

You need to talk to him about it and help him decide whether he wants the people at school with him to know or not - try to get through to him that once he has talked about it that he can't untell it. Also that it's private NOT secret thats its absolutely fine for him to share it with others but its private information and so is his choice. DS is unhappy that he told people when he was in reception and now all his class know and he has (rarely thankfully) been teased about it.

People (including adults) can be curious about it and thats OK - but them being curious doesn't put him under any obligation to talk about it.

Many children and certainly my DS needed "permission" to not tell people, we ingrain our children so much (particularly with adults) to be polite and do as they're told and so they find it very hard to not give answers when they're quizzed - they need to role play it with you a bit.

DS and I have practiced a stock answer which works for adults and children alike "My mum says I don;t have to talk about that if I don;t want to"

Of course he may want his friends to know - though I can;t help feeling that if he did he

[Hels20]

A few years off this I think - but have logged the role play. Good idea.

[bellecurly]

Thank you both for your responses. Its much appreciated and given me,some ideas. Going to have a,chat over holidays with him. X