Going through adoption

[meplusone]

we are 20 weeks into placement with our beautiful baby and she is doing really well and us with her.
unfortunately there is a huge family row going on, my sister believes I was wrong to remove her son from my daughters party after he injured her, he was warned twice and removed calmly to play in another room and the party was otherwise successful.
however she has never been warm to me since and this is now months later. another row has erupted where I have been accused of being aggressive which L have not , I asked her politely on text to not let her son leave nasty messages for my daughter who is 8 . any way now we are estranged my mum and her are close so my mum is staying out of it and i am struggling to cope with my hurt , especially for what should be a happy time welcoming our new child . any help , advice or comfort desperately needed.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

Firstly, for what its worth, it sounds like you've acted appropriately and calmly with the situations you've been given, I'm so sorry you have not been treated with the same respect.

We have had 2 different family fall-outs with members of both my side and my husbands, centered around different issues concerning our children's adoptions (one who had unrealistic expectations of their level of involvement early on, who then turned nasty when we put the children first and one who has just never really been on board from the start and quite possibly is just jealous). I have been flaming mad and so so pee'd off that they would tarnish what is supposed to be such a special time and also a difficult one, where we need support not extra issues. Of course everyone else 'stays out of it' but they never truly are, are they!

How have I got through it? Tears, yes, lots of tears. Cursing too...After the kids have gone to bed, obviously. But I have now just cut them out of my life. This is not the type of person I normally am but having children has changed me. I've focused on the ridiculous amount of support we've had from other family members and friends and if there's one thing adoption has taught us, it's that being a blood relative is not the be all and end all. You can love someone not genetically linked to you and they can be your family as much as any other relative, so conversely that doesn't mean just because someone is a blood relative you HAVE to have them in your lives.

Do I dread going to the supermarket and bumping into them? Yes. Do I dread any family gathering? Yes. Are all family gatherings now awkward to organise? Yes. Do I find it upsetting that I've been involved in their children's lives for years and now it's my turn to join them, they seem set on ruining it? Yes.

We're less than a year in and I have the most overwhelming need to protect our children and that makes it easier. Because the question is simple. Will person X, or the current behaviour of person X, impact negatively on my child's happiness? Yes. Right then, you can sod off!!!!!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...I understand; the feeling of sheer upset, frustration and anger is horrible, though I have no magic way of making it feel any better. But look at what you have now with regards your family at home and let them make you smile while she tries to take that smile away, because one will be far more powerful than the other.

Of course, in a minute they'll be someone who comes along with great advice on how to resolve the issue and get you all talking again...which will be far more useful than this post...but just to let you know, you are not alone!!!! And I hope you do work something out that changes this situation for you, if it can be done. And even if she is closer to your Mum than you and it's awkward, Mums really do have a habit of never picking a side. I'd try not to bring it up with your mum. Will she? Probably. But your absence of comment will make your Mum feel like you are trying to keep her out of it and she'll appreciate that.

and probably some needed too!

[JaneDonne]

Sounds toxic. Have you visited the relationships board?

I think this is more about her than you iyswim? And once you accept that there are no magic words that can make a toxic relationship ok you can focus on how you want to manage it...

[meplusone]

thankyou so much for making the time to reply tomato. I can relate so much to what you say . I feel bereaved, disappointed but not entirely surprised . it is a toxic relationship Jane , the same happened when I was pregnant with my bd. I just feel so sorry for both my children that we have this stress and not happy wider family celebrating them, family occasions are difficult and I'm very worried about the celebration ceremony. luckily I have been absolutely transparent with the sw and they are not worried because I love my little family while I try to wash away the effects of others selfishness.
Tomato how long is it since you decided to cut your family out ? I havent completely done this yet but the thought of having to see them fills me with dread

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

For fear of outing myself on here, I've PM'd you me plus one

[Italiangreyhound]

meplusone so sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are being totally reasonable.

I hesitate as I write this because I have no easy answers.

I hope you and your sister will iron out your differences, but if they are long standing, from the past, this may be really tricky.

How old is her son?

How is he leaving messages? By text, on paper?

Why is he behaving in an unpleasant way to your daughter? Do you understand what is going on behind the scenes at all (if at all)? Is there maybe tension in her marriage of family and her son resents your dd? None of this excuses things but may explain them a little.

You said "I just feel so sorry for both my children that we have this stress and not happy wider family celebrating them, family occasions are difficult and I'm very worried about the celebration ceremony."

You may decide for the kids if they feel this stress outweighs the benefits of meeting with wider family that you want to see less of them. If the benefits of wider family outweigh the stress then can you keep the wider family contact and minimise the stress?

Could you meet in an external place, like a park or soft play, so you can leave if things do not go well and you are not on anyone's home turf?

Do they need to come to celebration ceremony?

If you just want to remain friends in the family and move on from this incident can you just put it to one side?

If you wanted to do this, what do you think would work best, meeting face to face? Can you go out to lunch without kids and have a chat? Just listen to her concerns, get her to say how she feels in her own words, without interrupting etc. Then explain in the most simple terms your situation. Then try and agree to put the past behind you?

Or send her a letter, concentrate on the fact it is unfortunate you have fallen out and not what you wanted.

In my humble opinion you will probably not be able to agree about all this and she will not see it from your point of view. It may be that she is jealous of you, you have the new baby and all the attention at the moment.

It's just my opinion but if the children are a problem between you, in that her son behaves badly with your daughter, I would concentrate on just being friends with her and see if you can go on that way for a while. Chat on the phone, email or whatever and just go out to lunch sometimes and not doing the family stuff with kids?

Just an idea.

But remember, you are right, if her son's behaviour risks your dd or new baby in any way, you owe it to them to change the situation, and if he is leaving inappropriate messages, you owe it to your dd, as you are doing to stop it.

I am just curious that you say she is your mum's favourite. Is that definite? It almost sounds like she doesn't feel so secure of her place in the family, because if she is the favourite and knows it, why make your life a misery. unless she is just a not very nice person?

Can you talk to your mum about things in general?

Congratulations on your new dd.

I hope you find a way ahead.