changing name

[meplusone]

hiya , would like some opinions on changing first name
firstly to make it clear I like the name, not one i would have chosen but it suits and while unusual is certainly not unique so no problem there.

Problem is that we know her birth parents live within 5 miles of us so there is a chance we could be in the same area, also our child has a unique facial birth mark , not immediately obvious unless you really look but it is there.

parents are not agreeing to adoption , and we have also been told that birth mum is now training to do a job where she will be able to search medical records which even with our second name she can search first name and dob which could easily reveal our childs address/details.

I may be being over cautious as i posted a few weeks ago where our childs full name with shouted out and flashed up at the doctors, that has now been resolved , albeit should not have happened at all.

I have discussed with social workers who while not at all keen can see my concerns and say we can change name.

Has anyone on the forum done this at 14 months. ?

what are others thoughts

personally i wish we didnt have to think about this but neither do i want us to be identified

thankyou for your thoughts

[Velvet1973]

We will be changing name but our lo was only 6 months when placed and sw's agreed to change when he was 8 months so we've been using it since then. Lo's name is a shortened version of quite a nice name but in its shortened version is very rare amongst his generation. Our sw wanted us to just change it to the long version but we argued it would inevitably be abbreviated again so would be pointless. We too are only 5 miles from bf who will be contesting ao. Our argument was whilst little we could control where we went etc but when at school then schools mix all the time and very real possibility would come into contact with bf (cousins etc!), at least with name change its much less obvious. We are keeping the lengthened version as middle name.

[StaceyAndTracey]

If the birth mother can search all the medical records in the area , then she can easily find your child whether you change her / his name or not. She can simply search for all the children born on that date , eliminate all the children of the wrong sex, then go into the records and search for the relevant details eg where born, birth weight, weeks gestation, Gp at birth etc . Your childs former name will probably be on the record anyway as well .

You'd be better to get the former name removed completely from the records and change the DOb on the record , just by a few days . It won't make any difference to their care

I had to change the DOB for one of my children on their medical records because they made an error when inputting it and made him a few months older than he is . It wouldnt matter now but it messed up the innoculation system when he was a baby

[Italiangreyhound]

meplusone sorry to hear you have to go through this but think a name change will be a good idea.

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS I have heard you can do it gradually, so if the name was jane and you wanted to change to Emma you would start by saying Jane emma then emma jane then drop the jane. Is that right?

[Chocolatebreadcrumbs]

If the BM does search for records she has no care relationship to, she would be sacked. She may be willing to throw away her whole career, though.

[Lilka]

Depending on what exactly the job is/what she has access to as part of her job, could s-flagging the demographic records be a solution in this case? In which case talk to social services about it, because they can request it now pre-adoption if they think it's a good idea. Post adoption if the new record is unflagged, it's via the GP I think. It would impact on DC's healthcare in certain not insignificant ways, but if it would in your case prevent your childs location being revealed if the risk is unacceptable it might be worth it. I'd consider what you think is likely to happen if she does find out DC's address - are you or DC actually at risk? Or is she likely to sit on the information and do nothing? Is she actually determined to find the information (and get sacked if she gets caught)?

[curlywurly123]

We changed the name of both our children aged two on placement, long distance adoption but too high a chance of being found in later life. I was against it at first but had to acknowledge that the security of my children came first. Couldn't use a similar name as nothing suitable but have kept their old name as middle name as think it's important for the link to their past. As previously mentioned we used their original name double barrelled with their new name, then swapped them over still double barrelled to dropped the original name. We were surprised how quickly they took to it.

[mappemonde]

I now someone who changed her dd's name at a similar age. She had some safety concerns but it was also a very 'marmite' name that caused issues and SW recognised that (though they weren't keen). The new name is similar in length, initial sound etc but much less 'noticeable'. None of the dcs (sibling set, others kept original names) appeared to struggle with the change.

[Tangerineandturquoise]

You can have medical records secured at the NHS central spine
Your GP should also have the ability to use a postbox address for sensitive cases, and you could talk to them or the practice manager about that.
With our child it flashes something up on the screen at the GP practice
The Virgin healthcare system seems to be used a lot- my understanding is that anyone trying to access records they don't have the right to see are flagged up straight away and I believe denied access.
Obviously all of the above is much more effective if you give them a new name
I am surprised by the job training as well -because to access that you need to pass an enhanced check and that should show up any concerns from social services- which should preclude them from being able to access that information.

[meplusone]

thankyou everyone . sw has confirmed that mum is training in access to nursing, yes tangerine i am very surprised by this is being allowed after multiple children having been removed i didnt think a caring role with access to records would be appropriate. even if mum doesnt complete the course she may make friends who do who can access for her , i know its a sackable offence but not all systems highlight inappropriate access attempts.

as for risk we were told by our sw not to put anything on fb obv as a family in our area had been identified this way and adoption was probably going to be stopped and this could happen to us ?

we are waiting for more sw advice thankyou

[floatyjosmum]

Hopefully can reduce your worries - the access course is basically a way to get into uni without a level - she may never get on to the degree course!

With regards to the police check depending on why your dd was removed will depend if there is anything on the police check - if there was a s.47 because of an injury this MAY come up in the other info box however not necessarily - all depends on how relevant theat police authority deem it to be. I am aware that after a while as in a number of years they probably wouldn't put that on anyway.

[Haffdonga]

Any warnings or convictions that involve child neglect or abuse or any form of violence are never removed (filtered) off police DBS checks now. Even any relevant information held that didn't lead to a conviction will be disclosed on an enhanced check if relevant to the job being applied for ie nursing

Don't worry. She would not be cleared for a nursing role if she has anything related to abuse on her record. Access course is not going to give her any way of getting hold of info.

[Chev123]

I've just changed my boys name, he accepted the change very easily, think how easily you accept a nickname - I'd say 48 hours sometimes. For safety reasons I can't keep his name in any aspect but I'm going to tell him about it as if it's a middle name so he knows it was given by birth mum. (No risk from BM so feel guilty changing but end of day safety of LO priority). I found it hard not having a name with any similarity and was worried SW etc wouldn't like my name choice. His foster mum reminded me he'll be my child not SW. Thank god I got an amazing and experienced foster family. End of day, no right/wrong, do what you need to.

Also, as a nurse myself, it's a sackable offence to search birth records of anyone not your patient. Reality is, no systems talk to each other so prob only able to access records for patients who have attended hospital/gps that she works at anyway and they can be tracked to see who viewed!

Good luck Xtc

[Maiyakat]

It is possible to have an address marked as 'secure' on NHS computer systems - it's fairly standard for looked after children. This means anyone just pulling up a list of names will not be able to access it. Obviously this doesn't help with them looking for 'Sarah born on 13/06/12' and figuring out the likely new surname.

Agree that BM can do access to nursing but even if she completes it I cannot see any way she would get past the DBS check.

[Italiangreyhound]

Chev so glad you changed the name and did the right thing. It is so hard. We were pressurised to meet LO middle name and did but it was totally right choice for us, it must be what is right for little one, no one else. Well done for having courage of your convictions.

[Italiangreyhound]

Keep not meet!

to keep LO middle name and did but it was totally right choice for us ... and for him...

[Italiangreyhound]

I really feel for parents who adopt and are pressuruised to keep a name that could be dangerous for the child. The child comes first. Not birth family or social workers! Good luck meplusone.

[Slippersmum]

I had my name changed as a child and it has been much more difficult to cope with than it ever was as a child. However, having said that there were not the same social media issues when I was a child. It is a massive thing to do needs such careful consideration on the balance or risk. I would describe it as a tangible reminder I have been split in two. There was a tapestry made by adults who were adopted and they had created their birth names on the squares. It was entitled 'The people we could have been'. I use that as an example the impact it can have upon people. I know everyone is very careful in their consideration of the choices which they make or they wouldn't be posting on here.

[Velvet1973]

Slippersmum it's always interesting to hear about it from the point of view of someone who has experienced it. Can I ask in regards to your adoption was it something you always knew and your parents were open about as this seems to be a more recent way of thinking?

[Slippersmum]

Yes, I always knew. I kept my original name until I was 18 months old. My parents were not at all open with regards to the adoption.

I really feel for the position that you are in. When I was born all children had their names changed as a matter of course and as a way to almost reinvent the child into their new lives. But so much research has been to done to show the long term impact upon people and their identity. Each person's story is so different of course and you are clearly thinking every step through whereas my parents's just went along with what everyone did. They received no training and no follow up support.

[Velvet1973]

Thank you. I wondered if the fact we were going to be so open with our lo and he will always know (he was only 6 months when placed so didn't really know his name) would make a difference.

[Slippersmum]

As I said everyone is affected in different ways. You know what they say no such thing as reality, only perception. Everyone experiences situations in different ways due to lots of different factors. All I can speak from is my own experience. Having my name changed has contributed to me feeling like two different people really, its so hard to explain. I have always wondered should I put my birth name on my headstone as well as my adopted name. If I had had any choice in it I would have kept my birth first name. I traced my birth family when I was 18. But you are in a contested hearing situation, mine was nothing like that so there are other issues to factor into your situation. We think adoption is very complicated when children are little but I always think it gets more complicated as we get older and reflect back over our own lives and sometimes the choices people made for us.

I am not sure it is about being familiar with your name, as in you turn when called but knowing your name goes deeper than that. Its having that piece of paper with a different name on which signifies a totally different direction in which your life could have gone.

I do hope none of that reads as offensive at all as this is meant in a supportive way.

[Velvet1973]

Yes it does it's very helpful to have that insight. We are obviously very open about his adoption and when he's at a young but responsible age we will talk with him about his birth name and why we had to change it. We are keeping a form of his birth name as a middle name so it will still be a part of it which I think is important. I'm hoping that with us explaining it at a young age and hopefully with the contact letters from bf he will be able to understand and accept it.
I want him to feel supported by us and trust us so that he feels he can come to us if and when he wants to find out more or even meet his bf. I don't want him to feel he had to choose but it's so so difficult, nobody can predict the future let alone people's feelings about it so all we can do is try and make the right choices.

[StaceyAndTracey]

To add a different perspective, my name was changed when I was a year old and it doesn't bother me at all .

My brother changed his daughters name when she was a smilar age , just because they had changed their minds. it was nothing to do with trying to split her in two or reinvent the past .

I know many people who changed their names as adults and most of them seem happy with their choice . Again I don't think it was anything to do with reinventing the past , mostly to do with wanting to share a name with someone else , to signify a family Relationship .

Of course I appreciate that others feel differently, although I suspect that it's moreabout adoption as a whole and less about the name change per se .

[Velvet1973]

That's kind of what I was trying to ask slippersmum, as in has it had a bigger impact because of it not being openly discussed throughout childhood. Would she maybe have felt differently if it was talked about and explained as she was growing up.