Adopted sister wants more contact

[brownpaperbag2]

My friend has an adopted daughter aged 8 who she adopted at 18 months, let's call her Amy. Amy has 2 older siblings, a brother aged 16 and sister aged 14. Both are in separate care homes, not in foster families.

The adoption sets out that Amy doesn't see her brother but sees her sister twice a year at on neutral territory, ie not in the care home.

Amy is a happy girl and doing well at school, is settled and has friends. However, seeing her sister really affects her negatively. She becomes teary and clingy in the days leading up to the visit and for a week or so after. Amy's sister says how lucky she is to be in a wealthy family and have holidays. Nice clothes and shoes, have pets etc. there is obvious jelousy.

My friend try's to keep cheery and says that it is nice to see her sister etc. but it makes no affect on Amy who is very unsettled after.

Social services have called my friend to say that Amy's sister is struggling in care and has asked to see Amy more often, quarterly and possibly more often. My friend has told social services that this is not good for Amy and they are putting her sisters needs above Amy's.

Can my friend say no?

[odyssey2001]

Your friend can say no. There is an outside chance SS could go to court to request a Contact Order but I imagine that to be a rather rare occurrence.

From a child centric point of view, I think the emotional reaction is healthy. I think looking at her reaction as being a negative one may not be entirely helpful. It might be a very cathartic process for her. Has your friends accessed any post adoption support / therapy for this as that might be helpful before a final decision is made?

[Alljamissweet]

You friend can say no. The agreement is just that an agreement and you do not would do anything that isn't right for your child.
Our contact is very different and positive but if it wasn't, I'd review it.
If it were me, I would have a discussion with Amy and see how she feels about contact and go from there.
It's not black and white, it's so hard good luck.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

I don't know. She can say no of course but I am not sure I would straight away. Amy may not thank your adopted mother later on if she is denied access to her biological sister so it's not something I would do straight away.

I also feel sorry for the sister, you call it jealously. This is a girl who has been taken from the parents and then remains in the care system and has been for what 6-7 years? Her younger sister got adopted while a toddler and maybe she just wants to feel close to her younger sister.

Maybe your friend could talk to the ss about her concerns and talk about making the currant visits less upsetting for both parties and then talk about the possibility of more visits?

[SponsoredByTheBadFairy]

I think I would be asking post-adoption services for more support for the adopted daughter, to help process the complex but natural feelings around the contact meetings (guilt about being happy? Fear that her adoptive family might be taken away? Worry about how her sister is doing?).

The adoptive mum might want to keep the frequency of contact the same while that happens, but unless the meetings are causing severe distress, I wouldn't reduce them yet.

[brownpaperbag2]

My friend has spoken with ss and they said they recognise what is good for 1 sister isn't good for another. School can can tell when Amy has seen her sister, she wets herself and cries a lot at school, she also goes into herself and wants to stay alone rather than play with friends. My friend took this information in writing from the school to ss.

SS said that a massive issue for the older sister is that she lives with few possessions and doesn't go away etc. Amy lives in a large 5 bed house with 6 acres and chickens, dogs, cats etc. she goes abroad and to Devon every year. The last time she saw her sister she had just come back from Egypt. Her sister feels she is missing out.

My friend feels for the older sister, in fact she wanted to adopt all 3 children originally, but was turned down as she had 2 children of her own very similar ages (girl age 14 and boy age 17). She was told that the older siblings were too damaged to be I 'In competition' with her own children and her own birth children would suffer as a result.

Sadly, history has shown that they were too old and damaged to get adopted or even fostered. They have moved around a lot, especially the brother.

[brownpaperbag2]

My friend is keen to keep contact, but only remaining at twice a year.

[brownpaperbag2]

I agree with you that Amy is very worried that she will lose her adopted family and her older sister says things to her along the lines of how lucky she is that she has what she has.

Before they go, my friend and Amy go to the shops and spend time buying presents for her sister, shoes, clothes, toys etc.

[SponsoredByTheBadFairy]

I am not certain that buying "stuff" for the sister is necessarily the way to go, but I totally understand the impulse. I doubt it's the material lifestyle the sister really craves, but the loving committed family that comes with it.

I really feel that more professionally supported "life story" work (for want of a better word) is needed for Amy, to help her understand that all children need loving families and that she is not "lucky" to have her adoptive family, she deserves to have a safe, loving permanent family, as all children should have. It is very sad her older sister doesn't have this, but it's not Amy's fault and it sounds like she feels responsible. She may well need a lot of support to gradually change that feeling.

If the contact continues to be so severely distressing, Amy might choose to suspend it/replace it with letters for a little while, until she feels more able to cope with it. She is much younger than her sister, and might be too young to have the emotional resilience to handle this?

[Haffdonga]

Your friend's priority must be her own dd's needs and not the older siblings. It sounds possible that the older sister has a wishful-thinking type fantasy that she will somehow be incorporated into Amy's family in a fairy-tale ending. For SS it's an easy fix - older sibling is struggling in care and craves a family so increase family contact. But they don't have to take into account Amy's needs because that's your friend's role.

If friend feels that twice a year is the right amount of contact for Amy then she must stick to her guns on Amy's behalf. At 14, the sister is old enough for it to be explained gently that the contact, though welcomed, is also disturbing for Amy and increasing it would be wrong. It's very sad for the older sister but it's not your friend's responsibility to make her happy. for all.

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

She can say no - but would letterbox contact in between visits be a compromise that might be easier for Amy to process?

[Muddymits]

You know op that anyone who knows the op will be able to identify them from the info you have provided. It might be prudent to have your posts pulled or pruned.

Your friend can say no, it is almost certainly not going to be challenged but as others say I would access post adoption support as no may yet not be the right answer.

[brownpaperbag2]

I don't think you can tell who this is from the posts I've just re read. I know my friend is concerned that the brother may turn up on her door step within the next 2 years or so. Followed by the sister. Whilst she wanted to take all 3, she isn't prepared to now due to increased difficulties in behaviour over the intervening years.

I've no first hand experience in this and it seems pretty worrying for my friend.

[StaceyAndTracey]

Your friend should NOT even think of taking on the 14 year old . There is a reason she is in a residential unit and not in foster care, probably because of her behavioural problems . Of course she has had a hard life, but your friend is not responsible for the older girl,only for Amy and her older kids .

OTOH, Ss are only looking for a solution to their own problem , which is the behaviour of the older girl, they don't care about Amy .she and her family are just a " resource " to them . Extra contact is an easy solution for them , it s cheaper that getting the teenager the psychological help she needs .

Contact needs to be about Amy's needs, not about her bio sister's. Amy is a rather distressed 8 yo child- she can't be expected to provide therapy to her troubled teenaged bio sibling . Counsellers , therapists and social workers can decline to work with a particular client - why doesn't Amy have the same right ?

I agree that Your friend shoudl ask for counseling or therapy for Amy , crying at school and wetting herself are signs that she's very distressed . I also wonder what effect all this is having on the adopted childs older siblings? Given that she's not coping with the current level of contact , I struggle to see why anyone is thinking of increasing it .

It's only human to care about what happens to your childs biological siblings, but your freind doesn't have the time, resources or skills to get involved . They are the repsonsibility of their own parenst and social services .