Reunion with adult adoptee - half sibling's perspective?

[LatieKatie]

Hi

Any adult half siblings out there who can share experience/advice on a family reunion? And/or any adult adoptee's willing to share experience/expectations from meeting siblings?

My mum had a daughter 18 years before I was born. This was the 50s, she was unmarried, the child was taken away at birth. The adopted child reconnected with my mum a few years ago and has met her maybe 3/4 times over the past 7/8 years (not at all in the past 5). I haven't had the opportunity to meet her yet.

We are all (my mum, her adopted away daughter, her two children and two grandchildren, my husband, my son and me) meeting over the next few days.

I am beginning to get a bit nervous. Not really at meeting them, but because:

• I am worried about my mum's expectations of me. She keeps pushing for things, like she seems very keen on them all coming to my house (which I am not at all keen on, for various reasons).
  
• a friend of mine who thinks that firstly it is a massive mistake me going to this meeting (he thinks it will cause me grief at a time that I have some big stresses going on) and, if I must go, that I shouldn't take husband and son. I wouldn't go without husband and son: firstly I want some support and secondly I feel that having them around will help to keep things "lighter".
  

I am feeling somewhat confused. To be honest I am going to this meeting with an open mind and because I feel it is "the right thing to do". I don't have any expectations or needs. If things go great and lead, naturally, to further things then great. But I am not looking for anything or interested in forcing anything. I am somewhat beginning to worry that others' (especially my mum's) expectations might be somewhat different.

Thanks.

[excitedmtb]

I have no experience of this at all but one thing struck me when I read your post. You shouldn't do anything which makes you feel uncomfortable and that includes bringing people who are actually still strangers into your home. Push for a neutral location which means you have the option of leaving as and when you want to.
Having said that, I hope things go well for you all.

best of luck

[KatieLatie]

Thanks excitedmtb

Yes, I did refuse that - we are meeting at a nice pub for lunch.

It really didn't feel right, plus my mum has told me before that her other daughter is/was resentful for being adopted away and felt that she has been very disadvantaged because of it. I don't know if she voiced this or whether it is my mum's interpretation. I don't want to be judged on my house or increase any resentment.

Thanks. :)

Sort of wish that we were meeting without my mum - my mum has a frustrating habit of treating me like a child (I am 41). I need to build my own relationships in my own way, rather than being told what to do, what to say and what to feel.

[sj73]

Hi there

I really think you should try and meet her without your mum being there if you can. It's a whole separate relationship, a different set of feelings which need dealing with and this is likely to be very confusing and awkward with your mum there. Lots of luck to you.

[sj73]

Hi there

I really think you should try and meet her without your mum being there if you can. It's a whole separate relationship, a different set of feelings which need dealing with and this is likely to be very confusing and awkward with your mum there. Lots of luck to you.

[mintysmum]

Katie

What a massive event this is. I can understand you feeling very nervous and unsure about the whole thing. That doesn't mean you need to change any of your plans just that nervousness is very normal and to be expected in this situation.

The pub idea is great, not within your home so early on to give you privacy. The DH and DS going also very good as you will have more of a chance to sit back and observe - you won't be on the spot as much with them there. And also you actually going is hugely positive and supportive towards your mother rather than you not going and meeting adopted daughter without your mother there.
These are her two daughters and I think it's right that she gets the chance to introduce you to each other and be present when you first meet. That still leaves you free to decide what to do from there on in, but hugely significant to your mother to be there, almost hosting the event.

[mintysmum]

That went too soon!

You may want to leave it a while before a second meeting, you may want to ask your mother for time before there is another group reunion arranged or may want to ask her for space for you to meet adopted daughter yourself without her there, and I think you should feel fine with any of those or another of your choosing. But I suggest getting your suggestion in first before your mother actually plans the next reunion so you have some control and are northern having to refuse her plan. Being proactive after this meet up about your desires for the next meet up might prevent unmet expectations.
I have meet my BM and two half siblings and I am finding it very complex. As are they, our mother has died so we are trying to find our way through as 3 half siblings, none of us raised together and with varying amounts of knowledge of each other. Every childhood is different and I certainly feel conscious of our 3 different situations. We might never get past that and might never develop close relationships, or we might but I imagine lots of time is needed to allow things to evolve.
Take care

[StaceyAndTracey]

I agree with SJ, I think the big meeting is a bad idea . Clearly your mother and her bio daughter are not close, if they have not met up at all in the last 5 years . So for everyone to be meeting lots of family members at once will be very over whelming .

The fact that it's being sold as a " reunion " says a lot - it's not a reunion , as only your mother and you bio sister have ever met befroe. It's just a first meeting for everyone else .

I think your mums agenda is to try and be one big happy family , to assuage her guilt about what happened 60 years ago . That's not going to happen. Your half sister has a life and family of her own obviously. Nothing can wipe out the past .

I have met many adoptees who were relinqued as a baby in 40s, 50s and 60s and I don't know any who were angry at their birth mothers simply for relinquishing them . Most understand that it was difficult or impossible to be a single mum then . Of course some are angry about other things that happened then or since .

It's good that your half sister has been open about her adoption with her own family - that's wasn't always the case in those days so it says a lot for her .

I agree that you shoudl be keeping some distance and taking things slowly at this stage . If it were me, I would ask to meet your half sister alone first , on another day ( I'm assuming that you live near each other ) . I mean you shoudl ask you sister direct - you don't need to go through your mother, you are both adults !!!

And then have the big meet up with husbands and kids later ? Then you will be better able to judge if you want to be part of the bigger event .

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

Not my personal experience, but a close friend. She found that the half brother hadn't really thought about a relationship with the wider family when he started searching for his birth parents, so although they met up it was a bit weird and the relationship has more or less fizzled out to an exchanging Xmas cards type. I hope your mum is prepared for this possibility, if she is only thinking now about one big happy family type scenarios

[StaceyAndTracey]

I understand that you want to support you mum. But remember that your mum has a choice in all this - you and your half sister did not . Your mum has also been in control of the meet ups and I'm guessimg that you've had no say in that either

So it's ok to look aftre your own needs . And if you feel that it's not the right time in your life to meet your bio sister, that's ok too . Though I would want to contact her direct and explain that , so she doesn't feel too rejected. And it leaves the door open for the future

[Radiatorvalves]

I can relate to your situation OP. my mother had 2 DCs when she was younger, in Ireland. She then met and married my Dad in the UK. They had me and DB. After she died, one of the adopted children got in touch. I met him (3 years older than me) at a RHS place half way between where we lived at the time. DB met him separately. We had a coffee and talked for maybe an hour. It wasn't a party style reunion, although maybe 2 years later after sporadic contact he did come to DS1s christening.

He has met the wider Irsh family and sees them quite regularly. I am in FB contact but haven seen him for a few years.

There aRe big differences between us. Both DB and I did well academically and have good jobs. Adopted brother is a tube driver. I do t mean to sound judgmental, nothing wrong with that, but we just don't have a lot in common. He likes Butlins and Benidorm... I don't. He will talk about foreign language being a waste of time. I disagree. And so it goes on.

Take it slowly and do what feels right to you.

[Lovemylittlebear]

My mum was adopted and knows her birth mum and half sisters. I really hope the experience is a positive one for you, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with but I hope it works out well for you and your half sister. All the best x

[Justusemyname]

Good luck with the meeting. I agree with pp, meet without your mum if that is what you, and your sister, would prefer. Your mother needs to stop forcing things. I feel she has no right too.

[PickledOnionSoup]

Nearly 2 years ago, I found out that my dad had had a daughter who is 14 years older than me and 16 years older than my sister. Our half sister was adopted at birth and dad never met her as her mum was sent to one of those mother and baby homes for shamed single mothers

Anyhow, we started off emailing, then talking on the phone. We then became FB friends. We started talking regularly on the phone and after about a year, the three of us met up for the day. We have now met up twice and will be meeting up again in the summer. Unfortunately we don't live close enough to one another for casual We chat as though we have always known each other and it's great.

Just take things at your own pace and I hope things go well for you

[spidermanswoman]

My mum had a baby boy (adopted out) at 16 and then got married two years later and fell pregnant with a girl. She was having an affair with my dad and her husband threw her out and my dad told her he couldn't bring up her husband's baby so the girl was adopted too.

I was born 18 months later and my sister 5 years after me. When I was 6 both of them died and we were both adopted separately within the wider family.

I'm 46 now and 4 years ago I got a message on Facebook from a woman saying she was trying to trace relatives of a friend. I spoke to my half sister that day on the phone and I had to tell her that our mum was dead. She did eventually find her dad as nd more siblings there. We got on well at first but although she was happy to meet both me and my sister, ultimately she found it really hard to deal with being adopted where as we were kept. My sister and I are close and the bond with our half sister isn't there.

We are no longer in contact Really, it's sad but it's been an emotional ride for us all but I just feel nothing for her. It's put me off looking for my brother completely.

[KatieLatie]

Hello, I wanted to update this thread (I am the OP).

We did meet (my Mum, my half sister, her daughters and grand daughters, my husband, son and I).

I must say that I think that it went very well. My mother wasn't pushy (despite my fears). My half sister relaxed and laid back (maybe because her and my mum had met before and gone through the more emotional stuff). We met on neutral ground (a nice local restaurant). I did insist that my mum took a separate car (so that her and us were not tied to leaving at the same time): she was initially rather put out by this, but it was fine.

The kids played well together and, to be perfectly honest, I spent more time chatting with my half sister's daughters than my half sister: the daughters are closer to my age and demographic (ie one has young children too) and interests. This left my mum to talk to my half sister more. Everything light and easy. Nothing deep.

Don't know where it will go from here. I am not going to push anything, but am receptive to more contact. Will see over time and see what they want. I am not looking for more close family (and wont be pushed by my mum), but am always open to friends.

Thank you very much for your support: the friend (who I mentioned in my original post) really did put the fear into me . You don't really need friends doing that... (although it was out of concern for me).

Thanks again :)

[Justusemyname]

So pleased it went well.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Glad it went well!

I was adopted as a baby. At 21 I traced my natural mother and found out she'd had 3 boys shortly after giving me away. I ended up meeting my eldest half-brother a couple of years later and we get on great!

He has stayed at our house 3 times and we've met up near where he lives too. I met my birth mother for the first time last year which was more stressful, but went as well as you'd expect!

I wouldn't try and force any kind of relationship, my half-brother and I chat every few months, text in between and it's never a problem if one of us doesn't reply promptly. We're mates basically, but with a bit of history.

[mintysmum]

Katie latie that's fantastic that it went well and you sound really positive about it. Often the things we're most worried about turn out to go much better than our worst fears. Well done for going through with it despite your reservations.
It's odd working out what biological family mean, especially for those of us not brought up with any biological connections around us, not you I mean, but for your half-sister, she will be figuring this out and might find herself confused as to where you fit for her and her for you.
I have met my two half sisters once one of whom was brought up by our biological mother and the other adopted out like me. We are all delighted to be in contact with each other but I think it's fair to say we are all confused! Just not sure what we mean to each other - I've noticed I call them 'sisters' not half sisters as I don't like the feeling of diminishing their meaning, as though it deeply matters to me that I have biological sisters. It maybe matters less to the 'kept' sister and that would be fine with me, but I'm not close enough to discuss that yet. From her point of view, she may be spending lots of thinking time wondering how her childhood would have been different if she had been kept and brought up alongside you - that scenario imagining intruded into my thoughts a lot at the beginning though I never expressed it to my birth mother. It was too weird to admit to as some of my thoughts were positive some negative.
You'll need time to figure out what your sister, nieces and great nieces/nephews mean to you. At least you've got the first meeting done so the wondering/imagining bit is more secure. Lots to build on in whatever way you choose.