Adoption questions

[tessandjude]

Hello, I'm a newbie here so just after some advice (please be patient as I don't know anything about this!).
Me and my DH have been ttc for over a year and have recently had tests back suggesting we will never be able to conceive naturally. Although this is upsetting I have always known I wanted to adopt and always planned to do so at some point and am therefore reluctant to go down the ivf route, etc. My best friend at school was adopted and my cousin adopted two sisters so I know a little about it but obviously not loads.
I was feeling ok about everything and was going to start researching but spoke to my friend about this who works in social services. She said that it is now increasingly difficult to adopt and that there are more potential adopters than children and that criteria is very strict. This has really upset me as all I have ever wanted was to have a family, I don't mind in what way, I just have always had that dream. I have a good job but have never been hugely ambitious in this way, I have geared my life towards forming a family.
Is it really so difficult as my friend says? Do I need to get used to the idea that I won't be able to adopt in the future?
Thanks and sorry for being so clueless!

[tea4two4three]

Hi!
Snap to most of your story, although I didn't have a SW friend putting me off. If it's what you want go for it! Yes it's emotionally draining and I'm not sure if I'd go through it all again, but it was worth it. We heard and we're still hearing all the stories about how increasingly difficult it is, how there are more adopters than children, all the children have major issues so be prepared to change your life in ways you never imagined etc etc etc and yes to some extent we have seen evidence of this. But, there are also a lot of adopters who come through the process relatively unscathed and fairly quickly. From initial enquiry to placement, for us, took 13 months and we were matched perfectly. We had an amazing SW who we trusted and were very honest with and she did the same in return which was crucial as I know people who had SWs who only wanted to clear their cases and have let people down massively.
There are times you feel your heart will break and times where you believe it won't happen, but you truly have to believe that everything happens for a reason and your family is just waiting for you.
Don't be influenced by what others say now or during the process. Keep calm, get on with your life in the meantime and don't obsess over it as it will take over your head if you let it and that's when it all starts to go wrong.
You will never know if you don't go for it. Good luck!

[slkk]

It really depends on the age, race and needs of the child or children you are looking to adopt. In our area there is still a great need for families for sibling groups, older children, children with unknown or greater needs and children from different ethnic groups. A year after prep groups, all our group have children, but all are from at least one of these categories. And all the new parents are delighted that the child or children they have is perfect and just made for them! Good luc with your journey.

[tessandjude]

Thank you both so much for replying. Tea4two it's great to hear from someone for was in such a similar predicament. Can you share anything important before I start? What did you do first? Did you ever consider international adoption? I don't really know anything about it but imagine it's even harder.

We would definitely consider most of those criteria and would love to adopt siblings if that's how it worked out. We just don't want to be naive about what could happen.

[SponsoredByTheBadFairy]

I'd say it also sometimes depends where you are (in terms of numbers of children likely to need placements). I get the sense that it sort of goes in cycles/things change, with regard to the average age of children needing new families. All my prep group were placed with one or two children aged under 3, within 6 months of being approved to adopt. This was about a year ago and at the moment my LA are still recruiting new adopters, but are mainly looking for families for children aged 3-6. Approved adopters looking outside this age range and/or unwilling to consider additional needs are now having a longer wait to be matched in my area. So you sort of never know how it might change again, and I wouldn't let it put you off looking into whether adoption is right for you. Good luck!

[Italiangreyhound]

We adopted a three year old boy last year. The process was quite straight forward etc. Our son is lovely. We also have a birth child.

You will almost certainly be asked to wait six months from your fertility attempts and will probably be asked to use contraception, unless it is really impossible to conceive. We were never asked to use anything.

Please just make sure you really are happy to leave trying for a baby now. There are all kinds of things that can affect fertility, such as the eggs, the sperm and the womb, and it is possible to have treatment etc with donor eggs or sperm. These are not always options that people want to pursue but I do feel it is best to discuss them with your husband if you think there is any chance you would like to try them. I would also (personally) recommend a session of counselling to help you come to terms with not having biological children. This would all help the social worker to know that you have worked through these issues. If you are connected to a fertility clinic they should provide this service, possibly for free, or at least know where you can get this service.

Our attempts with donor eggs all failed and we had lots of counselling so when i got to adoption I was totally ready for it and over the issues connected with it.

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry... and over the issues connected with not being able to have another biological child.

It really will be more of an issue for some people than others. Adoption is brilliant. You just need to know it is right for you.

[excitedmtb]

We have heard similar...more prospective adopters than children etc..but please do not let that put you off. If you are really ready to start the process then go for it. Like Italian said, you will have to wait 6 months post any fertility treatment but wouldn't hurt to go along to an information evening.

We were 9 months between starting the process, being matched and having our dd placed with us. Getting the adoption order was not as straightforward but we are there now .

So you may have to wait a little longer....but it will all be worth it when you and your child are matched

best of luck

[Devora]

I think the bottom line is that if you really want to adopt, and there are no significant factors that would rule you out, and you are open to considering a wide range of children, then you will probably be successful. (Obviously I say that without knowing you at all, just talking statistical probability.) You may face some obstacles, it may take longer than you would like, but I don't think the over-supply of adopters (right now) is actually stopping people adopting, just maybe slowing it up.

The fact that you will consider siblings will be attractive to social services.

[Velvet1973]

I think the first thing you really learn about adoption is there's no one answer. All agencies will do things broadly the same but with little differences, some agencies will refuse potential adopters on some grounds others will take them, some agencies will have a lot of children under school age and others will be over school age etc.
For us we came to adoption after 3 unsuccessful Ivf attempts. We had it really really easy, some people will do whilst others are waiting a long time to be matched. We applied March 2014 were approved sept 2014 and our beautiful baby boy was placed with us in December aged just 6 months! He is completely perfect with no health concerns at all and is more than we could ever have dreamed of.
So I guess I'm saying, there may well be more adopters than children (currently, although these things are variables) but ultimately a lot of those adopters will adopt and no one knows which ones at the beginning because it's all down to the right match and that in a lot of cases is luck and timing.