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planning a wedding and trying to adopt

(26 Posts)
Chocogoingcuckoo Mon 27-Apr-15 17:15:12

So we are planning our wedding for August next year and picked up some holiday brochures today to salivate over the thought of honeymooning on white sands, then it occurred to me we are just starting the adoption process. If we are lucky enough to have kids placed with us how can we go on a honeymoon? Are we allowed to leave the country as a family early into placement? Will the kids (hopefully siblings) be okay with a family wedding? Will a pending wedding delay the whole process? Any advice ladies? wineconfused

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Mon 27-Apr-15 17:24:22

Lots of questions!!

In no particular order...

- you would need permission from the LA to take them abroad (and LO might not have passports, which would be one reason the LA might refuse permission)

- it will almost certainly be too soon for such a big trip - and probably won't be a relaxing on white sands holiday either, with LO in tow...

- a big family wedding could be very overwhelming, but it just depends exactly what the plan is, how long into placement, the individual LO...

- do you have the emotional bandwidth to cope with a wedding and placement at the same time?

In short, can you move the wedding forwards so that it is done before placement? If not, I'd suggest pushing back assessment, sorry

PicaK Mon 27-Apr-15 17:48:45

None of the couples I know who have honeymooned with (birth) kids have enjoyed it.
I would pull the wedding forward and do one thing at a time.
Your child could be clingy and not want to let go of you or even go to bed without you. Worse case scenario I know but a possibility. And staying up late/disturbing routine may affect them badly.
Your wedding deserves to be lovely and your honeymoon a joy. Not an endurance test.

AngelsWithSilverWings Mon 27-Apr-15 17:49:15

Thinking back to all the stress of my wedding and adding to that the stress of the adoption process ,introductions and placement I think you would be bonkers! Sorry.

We were even told not to have a 1st birthday party for DS because it was within the first two months of placement!

DD wasn't allowed to attend DH's Grandmothers 100th birthday gathering because it was too early in placement.

We were told that children are never placed too close to Christmas because it's too much excitement.

So I think a wedding and a honeymoon would be a massive no no.

Chocogoingcuckoo Mon 27-Apr-15 18:14:29

Hmm yes review of wedding date is a definite! blush

Buster510 Mon 27-Apr-15 21:16:44

Hi choc. We did both, wedding & placement of our DS. He was 10 months into placement when we got married. We took him on our honeymoon.

Chocogoingcuckoo Tue 28-Apr-15 21:36:36

Congratulations. I think we're going to bring it forward to Feb/March. We had medicals today and if SW are happy with these we will be invited to attend adopting groups. If the sw there think we are ready we then get an application form! So by this process I'm guessing we could be approved by March at the earliest???

iwishkidslikedtomatoes Tue 28-Apr-15 22:44:48

Could be earlier, we were approved within the newly recommended 6 month time frame, unless your LA is advising you of any specific delays e.g when prep groups are smile

LastingLight Wed 29-Apr-15 08:39:53

We had a wedding while going through the drama of a contested adoption. If we had a choice we would certainly not have done it that way! The stress over the adoption meant we didn't enjoy the wedding and everything leading up to it as much as we should have.

Devora Wed 29-Apr-15 12:16:34

Another one here who thinks it's more bonkers than conkers to try to do both at the same time. You really need to clear the decks for placement, and you deserve to enjoy your wedding, so try to get the wedding out of the way first.

We were offered a potential match just when we were moving house. The social workers seemed happy for us to move house straight after placement, but I think they were wrong to accept that. It would have been awful for the child. It's one of the reasons we turned down that match.

Kewcumber Wed 29-Apr-15 13:04:28

I was barely capable of earning a living at times whilst going through the adoption process and matching/placement, moving the wedding seems very sensible.

Kewcumber Wed 29-Apr-15 13:05:08

PLanning a wedding now though would be quite good timing though Devora... wink

Devora Wed 29-Apr-15 20:03:19

Oh I know, I know, it's on my to-do list, Kew grin [somehow not getting the spirit of romance emoticon]

Chocogoingcuckoo Wed 29-Apr-15 20:21:48

I think I'm just not getting how stressful the adopting process is going to be?!? No idea of dates for prep groups but sw have said we have to attend these first before being allowed to apply.

Italiangreyhound Wed 29-Apr-15 21:42:59

Chocogoingcuckoo I echo others. Get married as soon as you can and move on into the adoption process. Our big family wedding took 6 months to plan because of the vicar not being free - we could have dOne iT in three months.

Personally, I'd aim for this year and say 2016 is your children year.

Enjoy!

iwishkidslikedtomatoes Wed 29-Apr-15 22:23:18

Sorry, Choco I didn't mean to confuse but with us (and we were told all country now do it this way, hence any presumption I was making) You get accepted onto stage 1 and do a prep group as part of that, get approved to stage 2 and do another prep group as part of that, then when you complete stage 2 you go to panel. Guidelines are that you should get to panel 6 months from starting stage 1. It could be that your SW is talking about prep courses they offer before these?!?!

Adoption process is definitely very draining, matching is tough going even with its joy at end and placement leaves not a lot of time and energy for anything else. Def get the wedding done while it can all be about you both. We are 7 months in and not had a date night together yet (outside of the house) so the idea of a wedding?!?!? Other than meeting our children for the first time our wedding day is the most memorable day of my life...Make it special, you deserve it and as Italian says, make next year about children smile (....IF IT WERE ME!)

It obviously can be done, as others have, I don't believe there are any hard and fast rules in adoption as every child is different, but it would depend on the child you end up adopting whether they could handle a wedding/honeymoon smile

namechangedforcomment Wed 29-Apr-15 22:31:08

We were planning our wedding abroad when we started the adoption process and were advised to postpone. I am really glad we did as we would only have had to cancel it - DD turned up a few months before we had been due to get married and would not have been the right time.

we then replanned the wedding for a time in the future when we assumed adoption order would have been granted etc. However....this did not happen....and like LastingLight we also had the pressure of a contested adoption while planning and also while saying 'I Do'.

So yes.....do it now....or wait until you have your DD or DS and the adoption has been granted and then you can all celebrate together.
(honeymoons are a little different with children in tow but still great!)

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-May-15 12:43:45

Chocogoingcuckoo you've not been back to tell us how you are feeling. I do hope you are not shocked that quite a few of us think trying to get married and go on honeymoon with kids would be difficult.

I should say that one thing that strikes me is that a wedding is largely something you can totally control, you can pick the date, control when invites go out and when replies need to be back by, you can book the honeymoon and have quite a free reign where and when you go etc etc. With adoption almost nothing is under your control. You have the control to say yes or no, of course, but aside from that you are waiting for social workers to arrange the home study, to have meetings, for an approval panel date, then you are reading information on children who are waiting, you are asking questions and awaiting replies and when a match is identified you are still waiting for a panel date and for intros etc!

You do not mention if you already have kids or if your wedding will be a small or large affair. If you are already accommodating children in your holidays plans then accommodating new children is not so much of an issue (except if they do not like what your existing kids like, and remember if they have come through the care system they are unlikely to have been abroad or on an aeroplane or perhaps even to a hotel ever before!). Also if the wedding is a big affair with speeches, toasts etc how will you feel if you miss a special speech or toast because you had to take a small child to the look and no one else could because your new son or daughter only trusted you to go to the loo with them?

Anyway, just thinking aloud because my wedding day was very special to me, very much about me and my dh, about our parents and other guests and having to worry about additional children can be hard I would imagine. For people who marry after their birth kids come along, as my sister did, it was relatively easy. My mum looked after the boys at the hotel and we all (me and dh and my mum) took the kids home and looked after them while my dear sis had her lovely honeymoon. That would not be possible with adopted children, or at least not for many years I would imagine.

Hope these views do not disappoint you, they are only my views as a mum to a birth dd and an adopted ds. My dd has been away and stayed at my sisters on occasion but my son would probably not feel comfortable doing so for quite some time.

Will pm you.

Chocogoingcuckoo Sun 03-May-15 10:38:17

Hi, sorry not been on here much. I really appreciate all your advice and sharing your experiences. We have brought the wedding forward to March '16 (earliest we can afford to do it, it's going to be an intimate affair of 40! I think our sw is doing it arse over elbow due to dh having bipolar so getting medicals and prep groups/workshop first as to avoid us going further into the process then to be declined.

Chocogoingcuckoo Sun 03-May-15 10:39:13

We've also got a venue that does everything for us to limit the stress xx

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-May-15 22:32:14

Chocogoingcuckoo I really hope the wedding will be brilliant. Enjoy it.

Chocogoingcuckoo Thu 18-Jun-15 15:13:20

You ladies are right...what the fk were we thinking??!! Paid deposits and now we're really panicking at how can we afford for me to take a year off work and justify spending thousands on one day! We're still waiting on medicals to be passed by LA doctor, majorly dragging their heels, not even been to prep groups yet. Defo bitten off more than I can chew. In need of a few wine x

StaceyAndTracey Thu 18-Jun-15 16:54:38

wine

Are you financially committee to the wedding plans ? Perhaps you could make things more simple / less expensive ?

Chocogoingcuckoo Thu 18-Jun-15 18:27:23

Yep. Deposits are all paid. We're considering loosing deposits and post-poning but kinda reluctant to do that as well incase our medicals don't get us through. Stuck between a rock and a hard place not knowing if we're getting invited to stage 1.

StaceyAndTracey Sat 20-Jun-15 16:22:02

Why don't you scale down the wedding plans a bit ? Make it simpler and less stressful . Most guests don't even notice the things that brides get stressed about . They just notice - a meaningful , personal service , plenty to eat and drink and good entertainment

Go over to the wedding threads and read them - it's an eye opener

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