Help Please

[aktht]

We aren't coping too well at the moment. We adopted a lovely little girl 3 months ago and she has settled in very well. But my husband and I aren't doing so well and I don't know what to do about it. Her behaviour is also very challenging at times. She is 20 months and sometimes she just loses it completely, often when she is tired. The only upside is that she can be calmed down quite easily with a cuddle and some quiet time. We try to prevent these but sometimes don't succeed. At times she can appear manic and just run around in circles shouting, she doesn't look upset during these times. Is this a sign of being over stimulated? Is it a sensory issue? She grew up in an orphanage.

Also, would this be ok. She sleeps like a log, never wakes up etc. If we put her to bed and left her with a babysitter that she is familiar with for a couple of hours. We would be five minutes walk away and would come home immediately if she woke up. We wouldn't leave until she was asleep and we wouldn't be back any later than 9.00. Could we do that?

Thanks in advance for all your help.

[Woodenheart]

Does she nap in the daytime?

[clairecasta]

I think that there are a couple of key points here:

she has settled in very well
So she'll probably be fine with a babysitter, even if she did wake up. I'm sure she would manage if you were 15 minutes away rather than 5.

my husband and I aren't doing so well
This part is the biggie. You need to figure out what you need to keep going. You probably just need some time out relaxing together, and going out on a evening together for a coffee, movie, meal or whatever you like, is likely to be a positive thing that will help you both to relax a little and feel better.

At times she can appear manic and just run around in circles shouting
That just sounds like a toddler! I know plenty of toddlers that do mad stuff like that, don't stress about it if it doesn't bother her.

[aktht]

Thank you.

Yes she does nap during the day for about 2 hours.

I had a chat with DH today and I think we are going to be ok. I need to make a bit more of an effort and keep talking to him. I knew it was going to be hard and in some ways I was prepared for much worse but I wasn't expecting the toll it was going to take on my relationship.

I worry about her so much, she has so much to overcome and deal with. I can't imagine how stressful this all is for her and throughout it all she keeps smiling most of the time.

[QOD]

It must be so hard all round. How amazing for you yet to be thrown straight into a17 month old ... You deserve a break op!
I had my DD(straight surrogacy) from birth so no different to "normal" but you just hit the ground runnin eh?

Take the break, take advice and take care, you need to be happy to leave her too, but if you're so close by, it should be fine. Congrats btw

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

DD came home at a similar age. I know what you mean about the manic behaviour that somehow doesn't sit right. We found keeping things quiet, reducing new people she was exposed to, plus plenty of fresh air helped. We spent a lot of time in the back garden.

I also found having her sit on my lap, facing away from me with my arms round her, telling her it was time to calm down, often worked. If people were visiting, I would take her upstairs for a five minute calm down, or literally show them the door.

What you're doing is really hard and the grind of it will have kicked in. It's exhausting. Try not to expect perfection from yourselves or each other.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Oh and yes, in the scenario you describe, I would go out.

[yogeek]

Hello, congratulations on becoming a parent :-) I was in your shoes ten years ago. We adopted our second little girl when she was nearly 2. She never relaxed, often very frustrated, sometimes screaming and shouting not able to settle down but also full of fun and cheeky. If we let her sleep in the day she wouldn't go to sleep until midnight!!!
She is now a gorgeous nearly 12 year old. Still a live wire, a very deep thinker, wants to help and loves school. She loves animals and being outdoors. Animals are not as complicated as people and they need to be looked after which is exactly what she likes doing. We would go and see the ponies and sheep most days.
You have had some really good advice on here and I would agree, yes go out it will recharge your own batteries which is good for everybody. I was on my own quite a lot with my kids and still am and one thing I wish I had been able to do was to give them more time on their own with their Daddy. Let your DH have time on his own with her if it's possible and let him get on with it. I think I dominated the situ. a bit too much being a bit worried myself and reading all the books wheras my DH has more relaxed way and that's really good for the children. I realize that now! Enjoy your family and look after yourself. PM me if I can answer any questions for you.

[slkk]

Hello and I'm sorry you and dh aren't doing so well. When our lo arrived we also struggled. I think it was partly because his needs were greater than expected and everyone expects you to be so ecstatic and happy that you finally have your child. But the reality is exhaustion and worry that everything will be ok. Also, my husband and I are very different and so deal with things differently. In our case we were both worried about lo and his development and extreme behaviours but our worry was so great that we weren't sure we could continue for a while and this is such a big thing that neither of us could talk to each other. My dh also really struggled to bond with him. My dh stopped sleeping (woke up at 2 every day) and it was tough. This changed one day when we stuck cbeebies on for far longer than usual came upstairs and really talked. So I urge you to take that time with your dh, get out and have fun, rediscover each other and communicate. Btw now my dh and ds have a wonderful relationship and the bond did come, it just took a little longer.
Lo also can be very manic and I agree with pp that this might be normal toddler exuberance. However if it doesn't feel right, look at calming activities to ease her out of it. Ds is Also manic, but there is a particular laugh that we now all recognise as being his out of control too high laugh and we help him calm down if he goes too far.
Good luck, look after yourselves and your relationship. This really is the hard bit (until teens...)

[fasparent]

Sounds like Institutional acquired behavioural problem's .
Have had experience of such problems

Children who have been in similar situation's, will mimic and copy other children around them have never had experience of a close family relationship, every thing has been done by the book and regimented.
Will take time for child too adjust will have too be patient, will need lots of praise , sense on wellbeing and promote lots of self esteem.
Could have picked up lot's of habits and strange behavioural issues , which are not the child's fault , most will or should disappear in time.

[aktht]

Thank you for all your support. I am feeling much better now. I had a bit of revelation yesterday evening that things could and should change. bio DD has nits so we had to bribe her to have the shampoo done in front of Frozen, she chose to eat in front of the TV and me, DH and DD2 ate at the table, it was much more peaceful and settled. After DD2 had gone to bed we had some alone time with DD1 which she enjoyed. Now, I am not going to start letting DD1 eat in front of the TV every night but it made me realise that when we are all at home we don't always have to be together, we can have space within the house and there are options.

DH and I also had a long talk about pulling together and what we needed from our relationship at the moment. The babysitter is booked for Friday night and I can't wait to get out of the house!

[princesspeppa]

I have a 20 month old, and she is starting to assert her opinions and authority. Its normal behaviour. Also, I don't let her have a nap in the daytime if I can help it, and if she does, its no more than 30 minutes. We follow the same bedtime routines every night, bubble bath, cuddle, cbeebies, maybe read a book, and she has some hot milk. She sleeps like an angel 6pm - 7 am. Good luck

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Hope you enjoyed your well earned night out.