Trans-Racial Adoption

[Penthesilea1498]

Hello! So, just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Our Lovely SW has asked us to -have a very serious think about this. DH and I are about as white as they come,but due to having a very diverse group of friends and living in that London for many years we apparently are more qualified than most in our LA. We have said would embrace a child of any colour or creed as long as it is the best choice for the child. Does anyone any experience of this? What does the hive mind reckon?We are not at all worried about our adopted children not looking like us, but we don't want to cause them additional issues of identity and belonging further down the line. Sorry for the lengthy post and thank you!

[mcdog]

I know a white couple who have very successfully adopted 2 boys that are both black. As far as I'm aware there have been no issues or prejudices from anyone. The mum says the hardest bit was learning the different ways to look after their hair.
When we adopted, trans racial adoptions weren't "the thing" sadly :(

[Penthesilea1498]

Thank you mcdog! Good to hear, we were surprised tbh as we assumed that it was still not the done thing. Nice that things seem to have moved on if it is good for the kids.

[islurpmyspaghetti]

Have a look at a BAAF book called In Search Of Belonging edited by Perlita Harris if you want an interesting perspective. Like you, we were not worried about a presumed genetic connection to our child. I am mindful of the need for DS to understand his cultural identity but he is growing up very very loved by our very diverse support network!

[ScottishDiblet]

My DH and his (non-biological) brother are both mixed race adopted by white parents. My DH is half Chinese and his brother is part Jamaican. They grew up in a very small quite white village and I think they were quite bullied at school. But that was the only problem they had and the adoption was incredibly successful and happy. Best of luck if you do go ahead with it. X

[Kewcumber]

My DS is a different race to me.

You need to think it through quite carefully before deciding.

A few things to think about:

1 - children who are transracially adopted with two white parents do tend to get stared at quite a lot - they don;t get much privacy out as a family unless they are only with one of you. I'm a single parent and so everyone just assumed that I have an asian partner.

2 - racial mix of school in my experience makes a BIG difference. DS's school is very very mixed, all sorts of ethnicities and mixes of ethnicities. It has helped DS not feel too different.

3 - be prepared to deal with racism large and small - from gormless adults calling your child "chinkie" (in our case) to children calling him "japanese boy" but everyone else by their names.

4 - be prepared for the fact that you don;t adopt a child of a different race, you become a multiracial family. This might sound a bit obvious but it was a bit of a revelation to me. Having children of a different race to you is not like bolting on an optional extra - your perceptions and family change from the inside out.

5 - it adds a dimension to an already complicated mix - in additional to the ususal adoption issues (whatever they may be in your case) you have the added issues of a child who doesn't like their skin colour or their eye shape and you have to incorporate ways of valuing difference if possible way before that becomes an issue.

Not sure if that helps.

And for the avoidance of doubt, DS is the best thing I've ever done but ethnicity/race/colour etc does matter. It's just not insurmountable.

[dreamcometrue]

Our lo is mixed race and we are a white couple. I think an important thing to remember is that mixed race can be very subtle. Msg me if you want to, more than happy to answer any questions.

[MooseyMouse]

Think about how much you know about racism and who would give you a honest perspective on it.

My partner is Asian (I'm white) and I've learnt so much from seeing her experiences. A lot of it is subtle and I think it would be important for you to be tuned in to the kids' likely experiences.

It's not just about being called names (which hasn't happened to DP in recent years). It's things like people in shops fairly regularly assume she's the shop assistant. It's being asked if she's the nanny. It's being stopped at airport security very often. It's people saying "I don't think of you as black". And on and on.

My kids are mixed race and we've worked hard on giving them role models and positive imagery. I think it's doable with supportive friends who have direct experience. But I don't think it's doable from a "colour-blind" perspective.

Best of luck in matching.

[MooseyMouse]

One more thing... I'm regularly asked to explain why my children are "so dark". "They're so dark! Does their dad have black hair?"

If your children look different to you, people will ask you why. And they'll do it in front of the kids. It means you need an answer and it means that at any bus journey, or checkout, or lift, or theme park, or soft play you can be asked to explain your family and be reminded of the adoption.

It takes away a bit of your (and your child's) privacy and control over personal information.

Obviously you can duck the question but it's a minor distraction and a regular feature of life.

[Kewcumber]

"as good as it gets" - well thats all of us really isn't it?

There are no perfect parents.

There is a serious balancing act for children who might be slightly harder to place of finding the best possible fit and finding a quick fit... somewhere in the middle is the "good enough" answer.

[Kewcumber]

And everything Moosey said...

[Adoptionname]

White couple with DD adopted from China. Our experience has not been as described by Kew. DD is 11 now and we are not stared at when we are out as a family. Honestly, there are much stranger/more interesting things to look at than our family.

DD's school is predominantly white British and she is accepted there as just another kid. I think if there is a mix of ethnicities it can be more divisive because the kids can pal up according to colour/race rather than be friends with whomever they just happen to like. We have had a couple of incidents and the school have dealt with them swiftly and tactfully.

People rarely now ask about our family set up but I am good at deflecting unwelcome questioning (takes some practice).

Dd is happy in her own skin and settled in this country which she thinks of as her own. I'm not saying that other transracial families don't face challenges - just giving our perspective.

[Issy]

We have two girls, now 12 and 14, adopted from Asia and live in Surrey. Our family does get stared at, but I've found that has diminished as the girls have grown older and less obviously 'cute' and as trans-racial adoption has become more familiar.

We've got much better about answering questions from strangers or acquaintances. I now say fairly readily "DD1 is adopted from X and DD2 is adopted from Y." but respond to follow up questions with "I'm so sorry, the girls prefer we don't talk about their personal lives." The girls seem comfortable with us communicating that basic piece of information, but everything else is up to them to talk about if they wish to.

The girls go to a school with a reasonably level of racial diversity and our Surrey town is more diverse than I would have expected. Attitudes are also quite metropolitan; I think that's because so many people now work or have worked or lived in central London.

Each child's personality and birth story is a big factor in this. DD1 is simply not interested. She says she feels 99% Surrey. For a while, her best friend was Singaporean Chinese, but her current best friends our white. DD2 is much much more interested in her ethnicity. That may be because of the circumstances of her adoption or her personality. Or both.

Neither the girls nor our family have experienced any racism - so far as I know. However, and this is controversial, I think our experience is to some extent affected by our circumstances. We live in a town with some diversity and a high-proportion of well-educated people who are or have been exposed to the diversity of London. Additionally, the girls are small, lightish-skinned and female. If our child was a large, African teenage boy and we were living in a more isolated and socially disadvantaged area, the experience might be different.