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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Sleeping

20 replies

CloserThanYesterday · 17/01/2015 23:10

We are just coming to the end of intros with our beautiful little one.
So far, it's been great and she is much more comfortable with us than we dared hope at this stage.
I'm quite confident that we can make her feel safe and secure during the days as we've spent so much time together - but when we have tried to settle her for bed at FCs house she won't snuggle down for us, and cried until FC went up for their usual good night kiss. She was fine after that.
The nature of our intros means that, although we have put a lot of effort into playing in her room so that she knows it's a safe place, and playing at putting her teddies to sleep in her bed, the first time she'll actually sleep here will be moving day.
I'm so worried that we won't be able to soothe her and get her to sleep. FC has it down to a fine art of being able to literally put her down, say night night and off she goes, but obviously that won't be the case with us!
We will follow the pre bedtime routine obviously, and keep everything familiar, but does anyone have any tips for me to help a scared almost 2 year old who will almost certainly be wailing for her FC? :-(
Thank you all.

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GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 18/01/2015 07:09

This is going to sound harsh, but yes, she probably will cry, and you'll all feel lousy, but try to keep in mind that it would be more worrying if she didn't seem bothered. She's grieving. She needs to let it out.

On a practical level, the first week home our DD wanted to be attached to at least one, and to see both of us at all times, so we went with that. She took her nap on us etc.

At night, we keeg going back in to settle her and if she needs it, give her a cuddle on the floor of her room in the dark, otherwise just a shush pat til she gets there. But trust your own instincts and you'll know best.

Best of luck and congrats.

CloserThanYesterday · 18/01/2015 08:34

No, that doesn't sound harsh at all, we're fully expecting bed time to be hard as that's when she'll feel most vulnerable. Her attachment to FC is so secure, and we do need to remind ourselves that this is a good thing in the long run when she is grieving. It's so hard to see her big tears and know that we can only try to reassure her for now.

She sounds similar to yours, when we're out without FC and one of us disappears from her eyeline even for a second, she asks for us constantly until we reappear.

I think we'll try similar tactics to you at bedtime, and comfort her but try to resist taking her out of her room. I've just got visions of her just wailing all night :-(

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slkk · 18/01/2015 09:03

Our lo only fell asleep in fc' s arms in her bed so first night was tough. We both were there and I got in his bed. He cried but did fall asleep.quite quickly. After that withdraw slowly- Sat by bed stroking him, Sat on chair.in room, Sat outdid door etc. He's great at sleeping now. Good luck!

Kazza299 · 18/01/2015 09:46

Good luck tomorrow closer. It's mad isn't it! I will think of you at bedtime safe in the knowledge there's someone out their s**ing themselves like me x x x x x

DancingCrown · 18/01/2015 10:46

I'm not an adopter but my tip is make sure you are comfortable if you are spending a lot of time in there. A really comfy chair or a futon.

Alljamissweet · 18/01/2015 10:48

It's so stressful. If it's anything like us, you will worry about something in your case the sleeping and it'll be something you totally haven't thought of like she doesn't like the way you butter her toast!!!
Try to enjoy it and not fret you will get through it.

Hels20 · 18/01/2015 14:11

We were dreading nights as DS always took a long time to settle at FC's...and it seemed she was the only person to get him to sleep. (DS was very attached to her.)

On first night, he fell asleep in my arms...and slept for 14 hours!! Then, night times were fine. We put him in a routine and we have never had many problems getting him to sleep.

So...it might not be as difficult as you imagine. On the second night - DS put one arm round me and the other around DH and brought us together and made this nuzzling sound with a big smile on his face. I like to think he knew he was with his "forever mummy and daddy" and there wouldn't be any more moves.

Good luck. Children can surprise you.

Maiyakat · 18/01/2015 14:35

I did similar to slkk (although I couldn't get into bed with DD as she was in a cot) Bedtime was definitely when all her anxieties came out and it was tough. Foster carers said to leave her to cry (I lasted about 90 seconds, crying as much as she was!). DD's SW said 'Well I can't get my own kids to sleep so don't ask me!' Best advice was my SW, who told me I was her mummy now, go with my instincts, and I wasn't going to irrevocably harm her. It was exhausting (if there's 2 of you I'd say one of you stay in the room whilst the other tidies up, makes tea etc, I so wished I had someone else around at that point!) and felt like it took forever to get her to the point she'd settle herself, but it was probably only a few weeks. Since then she's been a great sleeper, so the next few nights aren't an indication of how it will be going forward.

Best of luck - it's the most exciting and terrifying time ever!

flightywoman · 18/01/2015 14:55

Our daughter's reports told us that sleep was absolutely fine and not one of the difficulties we might face. And of all the hard stuff, it was sleep that was the biggest!

She was nearly 5 when she came to live with us, and is now 7.

At the very beginning it was fine for a while, and then it descended in a very very long and fraught time of rage, fury and screaming. At one point it was almost as though she couldn't sleep without the storm first. That died down and then she just wouldn't go to sleep for an hour or more. And all the time one of us would have to sit with her. So that was hard.

Even now, 2 and a half years on, it's still unusual for her to go to sleep on her own, without one of us sitting with her, the difference now is that she goes off within a few minutes.

We've tried gradual retreat with absolutely no success!

And I have since learnt that a lot of her friends also have a parent with them while they go to sleep so it isn't out of the norm and it isn't age-inappropriate either.

I'd say if that's what your child needs then just go with it - there's absolutely no virtue in listening to a child getting more and more upset. And there's no law that says she has to go to sleep on her own. If she needs that reassurance then do it.

BUT, make sure you have a smart-phone or a kindle or something because it is as boring as hell! Once I realised I could read on the kindle app on my phone it was fine and I didn't mind sitting with her, but at one point I got more and more resentful and upset, and that was a very ugly feeling to have.

slkk · 18/01/2015 16:58

Yes kindle was a godsend. Actually that was when I really discovered mumsnet too!

dimples76 · 18/01/2015 18:31

Good luck Closer. All you can do is try to keep it as similar to her FC routine as possible, hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. My first night was five weeks ago and I was feeling reasonably confident having successfully put him to bed at FCs the previous 6 nights and he hadgone down v well for naps at ours. First night home all was going to plan and he gave me a beautiful smile when I wished him good night. I came downstairs feeling pretty pleased with myself - pride certainly came before a fall. For the next hours he was chatting (babbling - he's 19 months) away and giggling. Really wasn't sure what to do as when I went in to check on him he just giggled and wanted to get up and play. He didn't go to sleep til 11. After the first couple of nights though he settles himself v quickly - staying asleep beyond 5am is our current project...he used to sleep til 8 at FCs

CloserThanYesterday · 18/01/2015 19:08

Thank you all so so much. I've got a couple of books waiting to be read on my nook so I'll make sure I've got it with me!
I am completely terrified - but it couldn't be worse than some of the scenarios in my head, so that's one thing I suppose?!
Just one other question - she's fine normally but as soon as something really upsets her she tends to call FCs name while she cries. This is something she'll almost certainly do at bedtime. Any advice on how to deal with it? Should I talk about FC? 'Yes I know x normally puts you to bed doesn't she? But mummy is here tonight' Or would that just make it worse? Daytime incidents have shown that if we ignore that she's calling for FC and just hold her and say 'mummy's here' or whatever, she calms quickly. But if we acknowledge FCs name it goes on for ages.
I guess we'll have to try out different tactics and see what works!

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CloserThanYesterday · 19/01/2015 21:51

Phew! After all that worry, she went down with hardly any problem. Just a few tears, and just as I was getting ready to go back in to her, she started to settle. I'm sure that won't be the end of it, but so far so good!

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minidisco · 19/01/2015 21:59

Brilliant! I hope her first night is nice and calm for you all!

CloserThanYesterday · 20/01/2015 00:29

I spoke too soon! She woke up at 11.30 crying for FC :-(
I've tried having a cuddle but it just seems to start the crying all over again when I put her down. We're now taking it in turns to go and sit by the cot and stroke her head/rub her back which seems to be working better. Bless her, it's heartbreaking.

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GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 20/01/2015 13:03

Oh poor wee thing and for you both. It will get easier, promise. She needs to go through this and will come out the other side.

You're doing great. Be kind to yourselves and each other

Kewcumber · 20/01/2015 13:52

DS wouldn't cuddle me initially. He used to fight me off but would let me lie down with him and pat his head/back.

dibly · 20/01/2015 14:03

That sounds tough, but it will get easier. Maybe try and choose a comforter together that she likes? We also leave teddies in her cot which we shower with kisses before bedtimes.

dimples76 · 20/01/2015 14:52

Oh Closer. It's so tough but it will get easier as she gets more used to you and her new home. My little one also doesn't respond well to cuddles. Stroking his hair or face seems to work better for us. He also really likes/ seems to be hypnotised by the mobile which projects an image onto the ceiling.

CloserThanYesterday · 21/01/2015 22:34

Thanks everyone. It is getting easier, she is crying for me more now when she wakes up, and is quicker to settle even over the last couple of nights. Someone came to the door earlier and she clung on and wouldn't be put down until they went. It must be so scary.

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