awaiting a decision to pass stage 1 - please advise

[lotsoflovetogive]

ive had a awful rollercoaster through this!
i live with my cousin - we bought a house together in may this year shes like my sister, best friend.
I have a rare illness (fully undercontrol with medication) and from this i had a heart failure (3 years ago). since then my cousin and i have been glued together and supported each other, we bought a house as a family investment for the family... its huge with potential to extend- so why not. we pay 50/50 on ALL bills. i get dla and wtc as well as my wage. so both have plenty of money.

my SW is painful - doesnt approve of my living situation and keeps saying "WHAT IF SHE MOVED OUT" "WHAT IF SHE DIDNT PAY BILLS"... ALL WHAT IFS. at the end of the day its in both our interest to look after this beautiful home we have put thousands into doing it the way we both wanted.

and then based on my asoption pay (not including wtc or dla) i have like 15 left.... but she wont take into consideration my dla, wtc or the fact i would be entitled to child benefit/family tax/ etc etc... is this right??? where your SW so harsh on you and negative and looking at the most IMPOSSIBLE situations that WONT happen. this child would be my families everything!!! so why would my cousin/best friend ... sht on me and leave me in the sht.... shes agreed to sign contracts to prove shes not like that.

sorry for the long post but my SW has told me i dont have a cat in hells chance and that other agencies probably wouldnt touch me.

I am 24. and my cousin is 27. the SW is around 27/28 and VERY unempathetic... i thought she was meant to help me, support me and tell me what i can do to improve my chances?

all advise / experience is really appriciated... I AM AWAITING A DECISION ANY DAY NOW AND I DONT THINK IT LOOKS GOOD FOR ME AT ALL....

thank you for taking the time to read this! xx

[PicaK]

Gosh it's hard being interrogated during the process (says she who has just finished PAR and feels emotionally wrung out). So hugs.

But, in the nicest possible way, I think she has a responsibility to ask these questions. And really all she's asking is "what if"? She's not saying your cousin is a bad person. I think if you want to bring up a child then you need to be able to dispassionately look at the situation and figure out what the answer to the 'what if' question would be. You owe it to your child tbh. It doesn't mean it will happen but just that you're doing everything to protect and provide for them. After everything these kids have been through - asking you to figure out some details isn't too big an ask surely.
Good luck. Detach. She's not criticising. (Come back and help me in as few months when i'll be equally enraged by something I have no doubt.)

[Lilka]

Hi and welcome

Your living situation is very unusual, so I do understand why social workers are going to have questions. The SW has no idea of your cousins feelings, or intentions and no idea that she wouldn't just decide to move out without a very good reason. So they do really need to probe and get as much information as possible.

If you are turned down by this agency, there is nothing to stop you approaching other ones, and I would do that if you are committed to trying to adopt. I have no idea how other agencies might react but I think your best chance of being accepted is by acknowledging that your situation will be concerning, saying that you understand why this is but have thought long and hard about how it would work, and countering their concerns.

Having an actual plan in place for if xyz happens, is likely to be more reassuring to a social worker. Do you have a plan in place for what would happen if for some reason, seen or unforeseen, you will be living alone there? That really isn't impossible, even if it's unlikely, because things happen. Plans for finances etc? If you can show that you have the incomings to match your outgoings and provide for a child now, AND you have a basic outline of a future financial plan for if you are living in the house alone/being able to afford to live in another 2 bed property alone, then I would hope that would be reassuring enough. My assesments were based of the income that I currently had and would continue to have, not off income that I would have if I adopted.

I think they are also likely to have questions about how the relationship betwen your cousin and adopted child might work. Are you still doing most of the caring? Importantly, what happens if your child has difficulties which your cousin finds really difficult to live with, or can't live with anymore? What's the plan if either of you meet someone special and want to live together? Etc etc.

Health wise, if the prognosis for your future is good with a mostly normal life expectancy, then that should be okay. If your future is uncertain they will be worried. They are likely to have concerns though because heart failure is serious. A report from a cardiologist might well be needed. As well as a thorough assessment of how your condition affects your life and how you deal with it, and how a child will impact on it and how you would cope with the demands of child raising. People with disabilities do get approved to adopt, all the time, but expect and prepare for a more in depth assessment.

My assessment (I was 28 and single when I applied to adopt my first) had a lot of what ifs. And the assessment does need to have those questions, for the childs sake. They really needed to know how I was thinking and how I was planning, what my expectations of the future were and whether they were realistic, how flexible I was and so on. So I was asked how I would cope if I had to give up work because of my childs needs (which ended up really happening), what would happen if i met someone 'special' and so on...what happens if my child doesn't like/want me being gay was my personal favourite 'what if' question(!).

Realistically, SS don't tend to like non-conventional situations. It's always harder trying to adopt in unusual situations. I always do suggest trying more than one agency anyway. I can't say whether or not another agency will be comfortable with your situation, but going in armed with good responses to concerns is IMHO the best chance with a second agency. You may find some VA's are more accepting than most LA's

Best of luck to you

[Penfold007]

So five months ago you bought a house with your amazing cousin and now you want to adopt as a single parent. Your current income depends on DLA etc plus your earned income and you have major health issues.

If you were to suddenly be allocated a baby or child and their needs meant you needed to be a sahm could you financially and physically manage? Sadly I think your social worker may be right. Ever consider fostering?

[Kewcumber]

I too understand why a social worker would tread very carefully because they are assessing your ability to parent for the whole of the child childhood and ideally some way beyond and I think your only chance is to take each of her concerns and not say "well that wouldn't happen" but present a plan of what you would do if that happened.

Regardless of anything else, 24 is unusually young to adopt and that alone would probably throw most SW's in paroxysms of doubt!

However reliable and lovely your cousin is, what if in 5 years time she got married and wanted (understandably) to live with their new partner and that wasn't with you? what if she has children herself? What if you by then have a 3 year old and can't afford the house on your own but your cousin can't afford a house with her own family without selling. What are your backup plans.

People lives and wishes and aims an situations change and social workers will only take for granted (even though they are aware it isn't always the case) that long term partners will be in it for the long term and possibly committed grandparents.

They are assessing you on your own. Your ability to cope with a child for the next say 15-20 years and how sensibly you've thought it through. Expecting a 27 year old cousin to stick around that long effectively saying they will give up any chance of their own family under a separate roof really isn't something most social workers are going to swallow as a feasible long term plan.

I feel the financial thing is a red herring - if they felt your plans to raise this child were more robust then they wouldn't be picking so many holes in your financial position.

I suspect you would probably need to do several things:

1 - Have a firm plan of what you would do if say your cousin got pregnant and moved out to live with her partner - how would you manage financially/emotionally
2 - save some money - if you can afford to support a child on your current earnings/benefits then presumably you can afford to save something now. So show that by saving.
3 - consider what you would do if your child had issues which meant you found it hard to work (like Lilka this happened to me partly caused by my own health problems and their effects on my child and partly due to their own attachment issues)
4 - ask SW what it would take to convince them. Come up with a plan with them and consider saying that you will resubmit in a year when you've addressed all the issues they have raised.

[Haffdonga]

You are perfectly old enough to adopt and be a great mum but from the SW eyes I can see why she may be worried that your living arrangements, your health situation and your job security are all fairly newly established with a lot of potential for future change, (exactly what a child who has already experienced enormous changes through their short lives needs to avoid) .

If you're not successful this time would you consider delaying your application by a few years? A few more years of good stable health, a few more years of establishing your career (and getting up the pay scale) and a few more years of the arrangement with your cousing going smoothly (with no 'significant others' popping up to destabilise the staus quo) would probably go a long way in your favour.

And you'd still be under thirty, before most people even start thinking about becoming a parent.

[lotsoflovetogive]

Hi all. Thank you for your comments.
I own the house with my cousin, we have lived together for nearly 5 years and it's something we not had a big discussion. due to my health early on was bad but I work full time and have an active lifestyle and my medication keeps my illnesses at bay that my specialists are very happy with my progression as I've not had a flare up for 3 years. I've had all the in depth medical assessments.
The house we bought together was a decision we spoke long as hard about. If either was to find 'the one' then we both agreed to always keep this house going no matter what. If one moves out in with someone else where still going to pay our own halves. This is not just a house / a home but is an investment.
My income can afford my bills. But the SW was more concerned about my adoption pay & bills. But didn't include wtc or dla so therefore was saying I couldn't afford adoption pay.
If anything she thinks there's more of an issue with my finances and living situation than my illnesses which I was surprised at.
My cousin will be an auntie to the child. She's very excited at the thought of having a little one running round - either of us will often babysit for friends children. We're both great with them.
It annoys me because it's different if it's actual siblings living together. Or a daughter adopting and living with her mum. But really it should be treated exactly the same.
Even if I were to ever have a flare up again I would still be able to manage a child. I know how to handle myself and I've said to SW I wouldn't put myself through the heartache if I didn't think I was 100% stable and secure to do so. Especially if I didn't have the support of my cousin and mum.
I couldn't foster because I feel I would get to attached and would be too hard for me I think to let a child go.
The Sw just never seemed to want to understand my situation. She didn't try. We both have had sooo many checks done. Interviews and everything and she told me her opinion is that she doesn't like it ... One opinion is in control of changing mine and a child's life forever x :-(

[Velvet1973]

Sorry you're having a hard time of it in stage 1. I guess all you can do is wait and see what they say.
As an outsider looking in on the brief info we have it would definitely be your living situation that would be of highest concern. You and your cousin are both still very young and in all likelihood will move on to have a serious relationship at some stage. It's all very well agreeing to things in the future based in the current situation but surely if she were to meet a partner and want a family if her own she couldn't afford to continue to pay 50% of everything with another home to contribute when she may not be earning if she's having a family? I would think that would be highly unusual and so I would imagine this is the greatest concern as they're looking for long term stability.
Also I wouldn't get too hung up on the opinion being so important as it feels like that when you're going through the assessment but the assessment is based on facts. She is fact finding and will compile them I to a report for others to make the decision.
Good luck

[Kewcumber]

No, I don't think it would be different if it were a sibling - I think they would have the same questions about being able to assume that your siblings life has to be put on hold because of a decision they made 5+ years ago. Both agreeing you would do that and actually being faced with the decision that you can't afford to move out and live with the love of your life and have a child with them is another and I must say I think you're being naive if you can't see why a social worker would worry about that.

Saying you wouldn't do it if you didn't think you were stable enough isn't enough. We all had to prove it. Like it or not, adopting isn't like giving birth - adopted children have been through enough trauma having lost both birth family and foster family at least once each and possibly more. Social workers have a responsibility to be as sure as they possibly can be that they aren't introducing a child into a situation that may be potentially unsustainable.

For what its worth my sister lives around the corner to me, has had children herself, was 100% supportive, was one of my referees but when push came to shove has not been any practical help at all - certainly not in the early days when I needed it most.

You need a plan for how you would manage without your cousins financial input into the house - I don't think just continuing to insist your cousin would never stop paying in is going to cut it. And that doesn't even take into account Lilka's point about what if you have to stay off work longer than you'd planned or have to give up entirely?

It won;t be only her decision, you can appeal. But you also have to consider whether other social workers would have the same view - you not only have to get approved, you then have to start competing with other potential parent for a match. You can't just ignore her concerns - you really need to have a coherent plan which addresses them

[lotsoflovetogive]

Hiya. We agreed 50% of the mortgage. It's only about 200 pm each so it's fine. That's what we only ever agreed to pay if one leaves. Whoever stays in the house pays the s. It's in both interes to keep the house. But we get along great and so if things change we would both call it a day or try buy the other out or manage the house on our own. We can do this. When we had our mortgage financial advisor check this he had to do all of this for the exact same reason to make sure that we could afford it all on our own. Neither has any debt or finance. So the advisor said this in March April this year. And I think that should count for something alone. We have both been through a lot over this past 5 years so I know we will always be close family xx

[lotsoflovetogive]

I did do a post before but it musnt of gone on. After the Sw expressed concerns I immediately did a plan to prove that I could afford the house and all its bills on my own without benefits. I also did a plan on my own on adoption pay. I could cover them just about without taking benefits into consideration.
All aside I know I can afford a child even on my own, if I don't have my cousin around I know my mum is a very hands on person for support also.
As per lilkas point before yes I could manage if I because full time parent ur that would have to include my dla. I've done 3 what if plan and a current plan :) they did fit. As you make changes to ur bills when changes happen in ur life - shop different places. Cycle to work instead of drive. Get rid of Virgin. Reduce mobile contracts. These are things that can be changed x

[Haffdonga]

So you have planned financially for the possibility of one of you wanting to move out. Have you thought through the effect emotionally this would have on a child that has previously suffered enormous loss?

It sounds as if your cousin would want to take an active part in the care of your dc and would hopefully build a strong bond with them. If she 5,10,15 years later wants to move out and start her own family this could be a cause of great trauma to an adopted dc. The SW will want to make as sure as anyone can be, that the relationship with your cousin will remain consistent through the dc's childhood (hence the adoption process delving into all aspects of adopting couple's relationships and single's potential relationships).

[Italiangreyhound]

lotsoflovetogive I don't want to get into all the financial side as others have asked about this etc. I am just curious about the decision to adopt at such a young age. In our preparation course almost everyone was in their late 30s or forties. It's not at all a bad thing to adopt young, but I am just curious if you have ruled out having a birth child. This is a kind of key time when you might meet someone or might be more likely to have a birth child so I just wanted to ask if you had considered all this and thought that adopting now may affect your opportunities to meet someone and to have a birth child. I am sure you have. You do not need to say anything here but I do wonder if these things are in the mind of your social worker too.

Quite aside from the financial side you are kind of 'co-parenting' with a person who will not be able to guarantee they will be around all the time. it is true none of us can guarantee who will be around all the time. Couples divorce and partners die, so no one can guarantee a person will be around. However, usually couples go into adoption with a fairly sure idea they will stay together, and singles go into adoption as a single person. By living with a close relative who will be a special person to the child you are kind of in an unusual situation. I agree with Kew it is no different to two sisters living together. The fact you are not sisters is not (IMHO) the issue, it is the fact you are living together as a family effectively.

I really wish you all the best and agree with others that a plan for how you will deal with all issues that may arise may help. I would also say that you may find you are advised to wait until you are a bit older or possibly you might be told you will not be considered while you and your cousin are living together.

Can I ask (ignore me if you wish) have you considered having a birth child through fertility treatment with donor sperm or donor embryos etc. In that situation where you may have a child outside of adoption all these questions would not be asked and you would not be required to justify yourself in terms of your home or living arrangements or finances.

Many people (I have met) have tried to have birth children before going into the adoption process, of course it is not essential and not all have tried to do this but it is something that does happen a lot. I have a birth and adopted child and we tried to have a second birth child but failed after many attempts. We are very happy to adopt but the drive to have a biological birth child can be very strong.

I am sorry it sounds so tough, and I am sure you have a lot of love to give and I really hope your plans will work out in the best possible way.

[lotsoflovetogive]

Thank you for your replies and concerns. I'm a lot older headed than people on here obviously realise.
I can't hAve my own children due to my rare illness and even if I could I wouldn't becUse I don't want them to injerit this.
It is something I have felt strongly about since I was about 14/15 adopting. I never applied at 21 like I legally could of done (adoption process can be started at 21 so 24 isn't to young and If I get ruled out because of my age then that's clearly unfar because you can do this from even younger than what I am.
In my opinion there are too many children out there waiting for someone to raise them and love and provide for them so why shouldn't I help one child be happy. I've got the time. The space. Security. I get that people think my living situation is unusual. But I wouldn't of applied to adopt if my cousin had any doubt about a child running round the house. I've said I won't do it if she didn't want me too as it is half her house. She told me she will support my decision and thinks it's a fantastic idea.
I can afford this place on my own. if my cousin or myself ever moved out as I had a child I would always stay in this area as all my family are here so there's no need to loose contact. My mum is round the corner and has always told me my old bedroom is still there and she has another bedroom for if I got accepted.
My mum would never see me and a child without.
I know where your all coming from but I don't feel you lot know where I'm coming from with the positives - more people for support. The child will have 2 role models living with them. IF cousin moved out years to come then their relationship would still be strong and the child could have sleep overs at their aunties. They wouldn't go without anything. We're a small family - mum grandma great auntie. 2 cousins. 1 uncle and cousins dad and brother and 2 sisters. But we are all very family orientated. And stick with each other. Help each other out.
On my own or not I feel they shouldn't rule me out because I live with family. If it was a friend. Lodger. Or expartner. Yeah I totally get it.

I have realised more though that It doesn't look to good for me - age and living situation. And the fact I can't appeal at stage 1 is heartbreaking.
I've had dogs assessed. Sent over 6 references. My manager at work knows my cousin and has commented on us both. Had Dbs checks. The adoption course. Interviews. Finances. Health and safety checks. Medical. Been retrofitted to specialists for upto date comments. They have said jump and I've said how high x

[silverlinings79]

Sounds to me like you've done everything you've been asked and you've covered every corner you can to prep for them to assess you, you can do no more. It won't solely ride on one sw's shoulders to make the decision so don't panic just yet, just have your answers ready. If you move forward you'll be glad you've done all the work now cause after stage 2 the panel will quiz you on same questions and you'll have already done the prep to answer them. Also, I don't know if you are looking for an older child or child with extra needs, but if not in most areas there are actually more adopters than children and so in the matching process you are going to be directly compared to other adopters, maybe many adopters, so again you need to have all your selling points ready and your answers for everything else solid. Matching is actually one of the hardest parts of this process I think. What I am trying to say is that the sw pushing you now and others on here questioning things will all help you in end, you'll actually thank them for it....if obviously you do move forward. I wish you all the luck to realise your dream

[lotsoflovetogive]

Hi and thank you fr your reply silver linings79. I understand why they interrogate you but my worry is not getting to stage 2 because they rule me out with my living situation and there's thousands of children and adopters out there and I believe there someone for everyone. I know it's not solely her decision big she to me her opinion matters and will be passed to her manager. Not just her facts. I thought she were meant to help me? And advise me.

I've said I will have a child up to 5 but I will be open to 6/7 years really. If I can he a child a forever img home then I will.
I know it's "competitive" with the amount of adopters and living situations out there. Il do what ever I can if they give me the chance to prove myself. ... But that's the thing. - I dot think they will give me the chance to prove myself. They don't know me from Adam in stage 1... So it's a lot of prejudgment.
Thank you - I know my dream and that's to change a small child's life for the better and give them a forever family. I never applied at 21 to adopt because as I wanted to be in my own secure home and have a good stable job. And I do.
I've thought about it for a long long time. X

[silverlinings79]

While she may have done it with a lack of empathy if she is right in that 'there is a cat in hell's chance' in you being approved then her honesty is helping you as hard as that may seem, because a path of false hope in this process, while it may not feel that way, would be more upsetting. If you do get turned down, they have to give you reasons, this will then be the time when you can say, ok, so what do you need me to do? And then do it You can then always approach other local authorities or voluntary agencies like Barnardos too, to see what they say once you've changed those things if you'd rather not deal with them again. Atleast at 24 you've got plenty of time to sort that kind of stuff out.
Yes when you have so much to give it seems unfair but social services won't take any risks where children are concerned and yes you're answer may be but there is no risk but that has to be their decision, because let's face it the public grill sw's for when it goes wrong, even when there isn't even a single doubt.
I would try not to worry about it until it happens and then if it does get the reasons so you can make changes.
Sorry you're having such a hard time :(

[Nonnimouse]

I understand where you are coming from, and I agree that your living situation is not as much a problem as they are making it out to be. I sympathise, my adoption journey was also almost cut short because we "didn't fit the mold" and it made social workers, panel etc nervous. We were turned down at stage 1, we fought coming back with even more evidence, we were then allowed to move on, we were almost turned down at panel but got through in the end (we are not matched yet.) Social services often baulk at situations they are unaccustomed to seeing, that's a pity -they have to be very cautious, but not everyone is the same and although the guidelines are there for a reason, here will always be exceptional people that are able to be excellent parents despite the challenges.

That said: you are an uncommonly young potential adopter, with an unusual living arrangement. Their default position will be caution, and it sounds as if you have been doing everything they asked to prove yourself, wch is good. I would suggest you prepare a file, put everything down in writting, all the evidence, write down every question/concern they have plus your answer. This will make it easier to "prove" your ability to them, or to another agency/LA if they are adamant they won't accept you.
Also though, what other posters have said, that for a very young child you will be in competition with many more "mainstream" adopters. And even though you are open to an older child, at your age they may be unlikely to place an older child with you. I think you should fight your corner, absolutely, but I also think its a good thing you have gone through all this process now... Because worst case scenario, if you have to take a break and go back to them in a couple of years (when to their eyes you will still be "very young and in an unstable living arrangement") you will be able to demonstrate that you haven't changed your mind, you haven't given up, and that shows maturity and "stickability" which will be a big plus. Good luck, I do hope you succeed xx

[KristinaM]

I don't think your living situation is that unusual. Lots of people share accommodation in their 20s, with friends, siblings or partners. In places where accommodation is expensive, it's often the only way to get on the housing ladder .

For most people that ends up being a good short to medium term arrangement , but it's not long term. I don't know many people who are still living with the person they moved in with at 19,regardless of the nature of that relationship .

So I've afraid that that any agency assessing you will consider that the odds are very high that your living situation will change in the next 5-10 years. They are unlikely to gamble on your assumption that you will be the 1% ( or whatever ) that will be stable .

And stability is a big thing for an adopted child. Yes Of course, there is no guaranteed that a single person won't meet someone , or a married /long term co habiting couple won't split up . But the odds are much higher in your situation I'm afraid .

That combined with your young age means that you are a very high risk prospective adopter.

I suspect that you will get turned down . But I'd encourage you not to see it as the end of the world , you have many years in which to reapply .

I suggest that you put it on hold for a few years, apply yourself to your career and hobbies. Become more stable health wise and financially. Get more experience with children , the kind you are likely to be adopting, not your friends toddlers.

Learn more about the special needs of adopted children , get experience so you can show what you can offer to an older adopted child who has suffered loss , abuse and neglect .

I wish you well

[lotsoflovetogive]

Thank you.
I do apprciate all the feedback. I do understand when you are all coming from I just wish I could believe otherwise.
I am a qualified teaching assistant. I've also taught children from 2-18 in dance. So I do have a lot of experience with children. I am in a infant school volunteering for the last 18months.
Why do you all think I am too young when the legal age is 21??? I'm sure there will be adopters out there that are 21/22/23/24.
I'm not right at the bottom age limit of only just qualifying to apply.
It's hard to get on the property ladder on your own as it is.
Do you think I would have more of a chance of fostering than adopting?? As you can foster and then apply to adopt if you have a long term placement can't you?
Do you have to quit your job to foster though? Thanks x

[Velvet1973]

I think we're all saying about the age because we're probably a lot older. I'm 41 and like you late teens early twenties was very mature and very settled. However the person I am now is a million miles from who I was then. I can see now looking back I hadn't had the life experience to give me the emotional maturity. I know it's not what you want to hear but people say it because it is true. A person in their 40's is very rarely anything like they were in the 20's regardless of how mature they were then.
We were in 2 different prep groups during stage 2 and that would be with at least 15 other couples or adopters and I would say the youngest was probably early 30's. There absolutely was no one in their 20's let alone early 20's.
I think as others have said your sw may in fact be doing you a favour in giving you the truth. If she believes it's unlikely you'll be approved she has to tell you. Even then if you do get approved you'll almost certainly find it extremely difficult if not impossible to be matched with a child. I'm on other forums and adoption support groups where there are straight forward couples with no issues and relatively open matching criteria and yet they're still waiting for a match nearly 2 years after being approved. It's something you need to be aware of because approval is the easy bit.

[Bbmonster1]

Hi lotsoflovetogive.
You have done everything you possibly can. Just sit tight. And try to calm down. We are all in this together xx

[Kewcumber]

I'm sure there will be adopters out there that are 21/22/23/24. I sure there must be somewhere, but in the many adopters I know not one was under 30 (in fact none under 35!) when applying, expect Lilka as I now discover.

No-one is saying you are too young. But you are as Velvet says unusually young for adoption - I am an old lady of 49! Though to be fair I was a spring chicken of 41 when I adopted DS.

Most children who are waiting to be adopted require a degree of additional parenting and whilst for example there are many very very competent parents at 24 of children with complex special needs so of course it's possible, none the less in the majority of cases an adult of 34 will have more life experience and be more settled from a job and financial perspective.

If you have explained to the social worker very calmly and clearly what you have explained to us, then I think you have done all you can for now.

[Nonnimouse]

I was 28 when I applied to adopt, and had 2 birth children (was 30 when DS moved in with us, the whole thing took 2 years.) :)

[Italiangreyhound]

lotsoflovetogive I am sorry if my questions about fertility treatment were insensitive, I did not mean them to be.

I am really sorry this is very painful and difficult at this time. I really would love to see you succeed for your drive and determination.

As adopters, on here, we can't at all predict what will happen but I think it is unlikely that you will get through the process at this stage. I hope in some ways you will prove us all wrong! Please do tell us how you get on. Please do stay in touch through these threads if it is appropriate. I have found this place a very good source of wise information.

You said, I'm sure there will be adopters out there that are 21/22/23/24. There may be but I have never met or heard of anyone adopting before the age of about 28. I would imagine if there are adopters in their early 20s this might be because they are asked to consider adopting a relative's child, this is an utter guess but I just can't imagine anyone adopting so young unless they are related to the person.

Re Do you think I would have more of a chance of fostering than adopting?? I think you might do but only your local authority can advise.

If you are honest with them that you would consider fostering, and also do still want to adopt, you might end up finding this becomes an option. Some people refer to fostering and then adopting the child they foster as 'adoption by the back door'. Some councils disapprove of it. But I personally think that sometimes it can work and makes a lot of sense for children in terms of continuity of care. But remember not all children who are fostered will be able to be adopted.

In terms of fostering one does just have to be very firm that fostering is very different to the adoption of a child and keeping care of them permanently. I think fostering is a bit of gift, some people have it, they can do it. I am sure there is help and training out there. Part of how I felt about our son was that we went into it knowing he would be our son, if I were caring for him knowing we were fostering him I hope I would have been able to make the adjustment in thinking. But I do think they are very different.

In terms of work, the fostered child needs to be looked after by you but if the child were at school (4 plus) and you worked school hours you may be eligible to foster. Please note I have no experience of fostering so you may wish to post on the fostering threads here or talk to social services if this ends up being a plan for you.

Having said this in my very humble opinion fostering would (if you feel you can do it, and if you were approved) do a number of things...

In no particular order... it....

1. may enable you to gain more experience of children (I know you have experience of kids in a variety of settings but fostering would give you an all round, all hours of the day and night 'parenting' experience)
   
2. may enable you to share the love you have for children in a very specific way
   
3. may enable you to prove your abilities to social services
   
4. may enable you to test yourself
   
5. may enable you to build up some further savings (as fostering, unlike adoption, is paid - all bit it only a small amount! But as a single fosterer or adopter I think every penny will be helpful) so that in the future you may be able to run your home yourself without your cousin, if that were appropriate for you. I know you want to live with your cousin but one day things may change and having built up more savings might help.
   
   All best wishes, I really hope all the best for you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Please if anyone else is reading and thinks my ideas are crap, please tell me and warn the OP of my failings! they are all just my own humble thoughts!