Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
DD has peed in the cat litter tray(57 Posts)
She is nearly 6, home 10 months, toilet trained day and night. She didn't even tell me she'd done it - I went into the downstairs toilet to empty the bin and found the floor wet. I asked her if she'd had an accident, she said yes. Then I realised it was only wet around the litter tray, and the litter tray had waaaay more pee than the cat could do in it. She admits she peed in the litter tray, but says she 'doesn't know why'. She must have done it while I was in the shower earlier. I'm really getting scared she is very disturbed. I've sent DCs out in the garden to play, so I can calm down. Help!
Are there other behaviours that worry you? She's just on the cusp of that sort of random behaviour- I'd class it with cutting hair, drawing on walls etc., where the curiosity to 'just do it' outweighs the 'what will be the consequence if...?'
Perhaps I am showing my ignorance for which I apologize but why are you finding this so worrying? A lot of children who are around animals mimic their behaviours from drinking out of the dog's water bowl to peeing in the cat's litter tray. I would put it down to figuring out how the world works.
She's got more and more oppositional and aggressive lately, I'm seeing it as part of that aggression I guess - deliberately doing something which will get me angry and which I'll have to clear up. Thanks for replies, I've got to give them lunch, back later.
I see it more as 'if it's good for the cat....'. Perhaps she was curious about how it soaks up the wee.
How are you and dd getting on otherwise? Is there a reason why you think she'd do this on purpose?
You say you needed the dc to go out in the garden so you can calm down... I would have thought you'd have a calm chat about it not being appropriate for her to pee there again and get on with the day. I doubt that your dd is doing it on purpose.
I agree if no other problems this in itself is not significant...ds did it at the same age and it was just curiousity!
I would just let her know cats have small pees. We have to use the toilet because our wees are bigger. Then start writing down things that disturb you. As a stand alone incident, it should just be a funny story. Seems though that you are possibly getting into a relationship where she can push your buttons. Step back. Deep breath. Use humour. 10 months in means she may be beginning to want to test you. What other incidents bother you?
I wouldn't worry overly about just this -
I can see how curiosity got the better of her ...doubt she did it thinking that you would have to tidy it up etc - she probably didn't even think you'd realise ...
Kind of thing my DD1 would do ...
best eg I can think of is I was moving a pipe in the bathroom - disconnected the shower drain...told DP not to use it but also left a big note on the shower door- DO NOT USE - DRAIN NOT CONNECTED - just so he (and in fact I) didn't forget! A few hours later I noticed inside of the shower was wet - and there was a few drops of water coming out of the end of the pipe ...curiosity had got the better of DD1 - she obviously hadn't turned it on full blast just enough to see what happened ...
It may have just been a case of "I wonder what happens if I wee in there like the cat". The type of silly trying things out that kids do. With the other issues you mention in your last post it may be that she is feeling comfortable enough to test the waters a bit....."how far can I push?.....what will happen ?" or as we are seeing "will they still love me & keep me if I'm naughty ?"....."Is there anything I could do that might make them send me away ?"....."how secure am I here?". It can be hard to tell sometimes how much is just average kid stuff & what may be something more. We are working on making it clear it is the behaviour we don't like & talk about making good choices as she tends to focus on her being naughty we are trying to separate her as a person from the choice she has made to do the wrong thing.
When you say "home 10 months" what do you mean?
Did she not live with you before?
Sorry just reread your OP.
Was she living somewhere where there were lots of rules, or in a place where there were no rules.
Could she be pushing your buttons to try to find some boundaries for herself, and push you away, (as maybe she's used to being isolated), and the challenging behaviour may be an indicator that she's losing her shell because she's relaxing, and she's outside her comfort zone.
Have a read of this book,9ways of bringing the best out of you and your child by maggie reigh. I found it brilliant.
Does it make ypu feel any better to hear that my dd deliberately peed on a visitor's foot yesterday?
Nah, thought not. I agree with the others that this incident is not in itself significant, but I absolutely get how it felt in a context of oppositional behaviour. It id a daily struggle for. me to keep my cool in the face of my dds extreme button-pushing behaviour.
So forget about the cat litter. Tell us about what's going on.
I'm guessing a lot here - but by 'home 10 months' I assume you mean that's how long she's been living with you? And you have other DCs? She's recently been getting more oppositional and aggressive? Well, I'm no expert (other than being adopted myself) but I would say that she might be testing boundaries, and 'daring' to misbehave because she's feeling more secure and therefore able to do so. Just spotted mrssprout's reply above, and it seems we're thinking the same way.
I wouldn't read too much into the peeing in the litter tray thing, it sounds like curiosity to me.
Gosh, I've got 4 kids and you wouldn't believe the places I've found piss. I think its just one of those kid things. She's only 6.
I think if you see it as a pattern of behaviour then you should consider discussing it with the post adoption support people - is she still a LAC or has the final order gone through as you'll probably get a bit more support if she is still an LAC.
I don;t think its necessarily an issue on its own but the wider picture may be whats really worrying you.
And to be fair I don't think you can dismiss behaviours which worry you in a newly adopted child as "just one of those kid things"
It may be or it may be signs of something more which you are better off tackling earlier.
I really wish that I had "listened" to DS earlier and not to all those people who assured me his behaviour was totally normal and "all children do that".
Sourcing extra support won't hurt.
Christ grip time woman! She's six. Cat pees in the tray and you don't flip do you? She just thought "wonder what that's like...?" And tried it.
Could've pooed in it. Got away lightly IMO. Would u like my 3yr old? She occasionally pees on carpet. Is that better or worse....?
Picklepest I appreciate where you're coming from but that's not hugely helpful. This is a traumatised child and an adoptive mother who is clearly stressed. A grip is not what's needed here.
Sorry quick reply as DCs need attention. Am trying to weed out why responses are from adopters (no offence non adopters but I think this is an adoption thing). Yes it's about a pattern of behaviour - hitting kicking always contradicting deliberately trying to wind me up stuff. DD is still LAC, LA have been worse than useless in a context of them making redundancies left right and centre to save money. Got to go and get DS's ball which DD has 'accidentally' thrown over the fence, back later
she's testing you and possibly regressing
which means she feels comfortable and safe with you and secure
yes its a pain, and very hard to deal with at the time, but its good news - she trusts you
I think as well, stop running around trying to mend everything she 'breaks'.
If she throws the ball over, take her with you to get it and get her to explain that she threw it 'accidentally'.
Explain that it is the cat's litter tray, and that if we pee in it and get it on the floor, we have to clear it up so she helps you to do it.
Don't get angry, keep calm and explain, and show her consequences of what happens when...
I'm an adoptive mum to DCs of 8 and 6. Specific incident I would put down to 6 year old daftness coupled with emotional immaturity and poor impulse control/ consideration of consequences - my 8 year old is a master of 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' which is partly because early trauma or attachment difficulties can really mess with the cognitive skills you need to control your impulses, think about the consequences of what you fancy doing, and then preferably (DC1) NOT do it! It does mature with time but often at a slower rate than peers. My DC1 is more like 6 than 8 in those areas so if you set your expectations of impulse control around 4, that may help. Even if she is very bright in other ways - DC1 is.
If you are having trouble with a pattern of difficult and aggressive behaviour that's another thing altogether. Not at all unexpected but I would be seeking support. There's good advice on this board. If LA are useless you could ask GP or school to refer you directly to CAMHS. Are you and DD in same LA? If not I might explore what both authorities are prepared to offer in terms of support - eg some do an enhanced parenting course for adopters they've approved even though technically they aren't responsible for post adoption support.
Anyone given you reading? Dan Hughes is the attachment guru but Kim Golding or Amber Elliott are more practical translations for me. Best ever is Ross Greenes The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the a Balance, which is not adoption specific but is for us a brilliant model for tackling confrontational, aggressive and 'explosive' behaviour.
All the best.
Also a PS - my 8 year old is always a pain at the start of the holidays as doesn't cope well with change of routine and all the unusual stuff immediately towards end of term.
Lots of structure, visual timetables, not too many demands, separate time for the kids if you can possibly arrange some, all help.
Speaking as a non-adoptive parent, from a 4yo it wouldn't even phase me. Okay, annoy me, but still "normal" range of behaviour. Kids do all sorts of weird stuff.
From a 6yo it's a bit odd, but probably not in her mind.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.